Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

"Who would forgive someone for ending a marriage after a 12 year relationship after a few months?

Loads of people. Everyone knows it is a thing.

When I got married after many years of living in sin I know several people assumed it must be an attempt to save the relationship, when they knew I wasn't pregnant, even though we seemed happy.

Same as people breaking up within a couple of years of having a baby.

It's a well known thing.

You are not " like" a victim of domestic abuse. You are a victim of domestic abuse. Google" Living with the Dominator". Both the book and online videos. But cover your tracks please if you do so.

I'm sort of curious how long myself and H can go with the way things are at the moment

But is that really the best you can hope for? Even the ‘good’ periods of your marriage are just a waiting game where you tiptoe around wondering how long it will last this time?

A few months ago I wrote myself a long, rambling story about how my relationship had gradually been consumed by domestic abuse. I likened it to that game where you throw a ball back and forth with someone and see how many times you can catch it in a row before it drops. Every time we had a fight it was like I thought ‘okay, back to zero, but I’m sure we can do better next time’. Does that sound at all familiar? It’s a horrible way to live.

This was the article that really stopped me in my tracks and made me realise exactly what I had been through: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/stories-41915425

I mentioned in a previous post that I fell in love with some recently. It was brief (circumstances rather than problems) but what stood out to me compared to men I've known before is how it is totally possible, achievable, doable, to have a relationship that is the opposite of what you describe.

Where you're dating someone who is considerate, who will do tiny gestures like making you a cup of tea to big ones like supporting you in a crisis.

I'm not special, I don't 'deserve' love any more than anyone else, I'm not clever or prettier than most, but I know now that a relationship that actually builds you up rather than drains you is something that EVERYONE should wait for.

I'd rather have a vibrator and peace of mind than be with someone who treats me badly, not to mention what your H has been up to.

The only difference now is courage. Having the courage to leave, and demand more for yourself from yourself and your partners and your loved ones going forward. Please

'I'd rather have a vibrator and peace of mind than be with someone who treats me badly.' That's a great line! That should be on the outside of a sex shop somewhere!

Joking aside, I know what you mean...you've all made good points and thanks.

To answer a question upthread, yes it feels exactly like that re the fighting. It feels like a waiting game now.

Since I calmly confronted H and showed him the cycle of abuse, things have been different. I don't know if he's taken any of it in though. Last night he mentioned children and I mentioned how it mightn't be fair. He said 'fair point. If we're arguing all the time' then went on to say how he'd still love to have them. I don't think he really took in the Cycle of Abuse. I think he just thinks it's 'arguments.' I'd like to point out to him that only one of us shouts and hurls abuse when we fight. I mean, in one fight we had, he screamed over and over 'you're not normal.' I've said things I regret too but I don't think I stooped that low.

So, he wants children but really isn't willing to do the 'work' to 'fix' the relationship. He's been much calmer of late but the question is (a) for how long and (b) even if miraculously he stayed like this (which I know most would be dubious about), am I supposed to just move on and just forget everything that's been said and done until now? He really has been horrible to me and has treated me quite badly since we got back together.

He does do good things though. In the past, he did drive a long distance to do me a major favour once and he gives me lifts and does help me out. Admittedly, he was much more helpful in the past. NOw, it feels like his family takes priority over me, something that's getting tiresome and starting to suck! I spend a lot of time alone while he's doing them favours. He's not a total a*hole. He really isn't. There's just no reflection on his part whatsoever and even though he knows I'm seeing a counsellor, I've suggested counselling to him and I've shown the cycle of abuse, he's still carrying on like nothing happened and making idle chat about work and gossip! That's not a normal reaction...

Someone said they wished they could free me of this torment and I know. It kind of is torment. I feel a crazy mixture of emotions and sadness, guilt, anger and regret are the main players...

I really appreciate all of your contributions. At this stage, I've read so many posts say how H reminded of them of their ex's or abusive fathers. No-one has said that H reminds them of their rehabilitated husband! I feel sorry for him to be honest even though, looking back, I know we wouldn't be here if it weren't for him manipulating me to come back in the past and for my low self-esteem...

I don’t think he will ever truly accept that he is abusive. He will nod and give lip service about changing but realistically, if he will not accept responsibility for his actions (and why would he? It’s far easier to blame you for everything and keep you in your place) he won’t change. This is how he is. He’s progressively getting worse and it’s only going to go one way from now on. Once you’ve accepted that, you can find it within yourself to move on.

"Last night he mentioned children and I mentioned how it mightn't be fair. He said 'fair point. If we're arguing all the time' then went on to say how he'd still love to have them."

Notice how its gone from him being angry/abusive to "we" are arguing. What he means is YOU are still disagreeing with him, and if you'd just be silent and compliant then you can have the prize of children, and they will well and truly seal your fate in ever leaving this situation.

It also doesn't surprise me at all that he suddenly manages to control his language and temper when there are other people there to see. They always can. Isn't that odd how self-control coincides with not wanting people to see how badly he treats you?

I've read the whole thread and I really feel for you. He is abusive. I know you say repeatedly that you know he'd never hit you. I hate to sound flippant, but so what? Is raising a hand to you worse that crushing your spirit, taking your food away like you're that much in his control. The fact he hasn't/wouldn't hit you is neither a selling point nor a guarantee.

You talk about not wanting to repeat past mistakes by splitting again. My darling, your past mistakes were not the splitting but the getting back together. I'm sensing that in your life, culture, family you've been lead to believe that to be "on the shelf" is worse than single. It's not. Being desperately unhappy for the rest of your life is worse. You don't know you'll be single. I found the strength to leave a bad relationship - we lived together - with the underlying worry of "will I ever meet anyone? Who would want me? Am i even worth loving?" Etc etc. I wasn't looking for love in any way, I was wanting to focus on myself. I met someone and fell head over heels within months. It blew me away because he showed me what it was meant to be like. What it is meant to be like, because 13 years later, we are still together and married with two children.

You say repeatedly he's not that bad. Ok. But he's really really not good either.

You've been amazing through out this thread and taken a lot of constructive criticism, but I can tell you just don't see it fully yet. You will though, so I'd start preparing for when those scales fall. Make sure you have money set aside and a plan. Just do it, even if right now you feel it won't ever happen. Your future self will thank you.
I wish you lots of luck and strength. You can do this.

Please keep posting here Slundle and don’t ever worry about what anyone here thinks about you. We all have nothing but sympathy and many of us have been in your shoes before, so we get it. We know it isn’t as simple as realising he’s abusive one day and just leaving the next. It’s a whole process, but you are doing so well.

You keep emphasising that he’s not a total arsehole, so can I ask you, what would a total arsehole look like? Do you think other abusive partners are horrible 24/7? As you’ve already seen, abuse is a whole cycle and that includes good days as well as bad days.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think my ex was a total arsehole either, but I do think he was very abusive. Absolutely so. In his case (and, I’m guessing, probably in a lot of other cases) I think my ex was just totally self-centred and unable to step outside what he wanted and needed. He simply didn’t consider my feelings and needs to be on a equal level with his. So sure, he’d do lots of nice things for me... when it suited him. But if he was busy, or tired, or in a bad mood, then I was completely irrelevant to him. He had his interests and passions and they came first. If my needs happened to align with that, then fantastic, we’d have a great day. If not, then... tough.

A trivial but classic example would be housework. He would tell me ‘I work hard and don’t expect to have to do cleaning when I get home’. Ok, but I work longer hours than you. Are you saying I should do it when I get home but you shouldn’t? ‘No, I’m not saying you should do it, I’m just not going to do it’. Ok but then what? Are we going to get a cleaner? ‘No, I don’t want someone else cleaning our stuff’ Ok so... who’s doing the cleaning? ‘I don’t care, I’m just telling you that I’m too busy and I’m not going to spend my free time cleaning’. He genuinely just could not see (or care) that his decisions and actions impacted on me, because to him it was just all about ‘this is what I need’.

A while ago I decided to write about all my experiences with my ex in an anonymous post for Medium, but I never published it. After reading this thread I decided to go ahead and post it yesterday and I have to say, it was immensely cathartic. I hope that you’ll get there one day too

He is a master manipulator, isn’t he?!?

StormTread is right - he has replaced your designation of him as abusive with the fact that you plural are arguing (which gives you equal responsibility for his behaviour); and, knowing your age, he is playing the trump card of him being your last option for children... of course, the only way you plural will stop arguing is if you singular toe the line and never call out his controlling behaviour. It is just another version of you ‘making’ him angry.

And of course he is not a complete arse; you are not a complete mug - there must have been something worthwhile about him that you found attractive. I mean, he wasn’t yelling at you and removing your food on your first date, was he? That crept in, bit by bit, when he knew the emotional buttons to press to persuade you to stay. Bingo.

No woman ever goes into an abusive relationship thinking her potential partner is an arse. Nope, he will be charming, attentive and the small red flags easier to overlook because he is really, actually charming - and then once she is in further, and the red flags get bigger, it is harder to leave because he has learnt how to manipulate her and societal expectations of a girlfriend/wife/marriage help him. Abused women are not stupid, they don’t go out with arseholes, or people with Abuser stamped on their head, abuse develops because it is not apparent at the outset.

I feel ur pain after being in a relationship 7 years and now married for 10 months we are having marriage problems! My husband does not want to touch me in anyway for the past 2 months and he doesn’t know why, he feels like we are just friends at the min! He doesn’t talk about his feelings a lot and don’t attend counselling so I am going myself! He says he loves me but isn’t sure if he wants to be together or apart! I feel we have something worth fighting for as we have always had a happy relationship!

U really just feel so lonely!

Hope you can find the strength to leave @Slundle but everyone knows it's a process. Just like how your relationship going sour didn't happen immediately. To me it's like going on a diet, most people fall off the wagon unless there is an inner will that is compelling to keep going and that it actually works.

I hope the counselling is giving you a helpful outlet. And you can always post here for support. People are concerned for you but in a lot of cases we have been through it, whether in relationships with abusive tendencies or other similar experiences.

It's more common than you would think! Like all humans we want love and companionship and sometimes it goes awfully wrong. In this case it is squarely his fault and you going along with it is testament to your ability to trust and believe and have faith. That will always hold you in good stead - unlike H you can fully care for others x

Sorry wrong thread.

@lisasimpsonssaxophone that story about the cleaning is rotten. You're well rid. I'd love that read your article if you could provide a link? I tried to find it on Medium but couldn't. I understand if you'd prefer not to.

I have a similar scenario playing out with H (similar to your cleaning one) , only it's about big stuff. I can't really get in to it here but it's A+B=C and C will affect me for the rest of my life but he hugely beneficial to him but he just cannot or will not get it ...

@KataraJean Thabks. That's true. There were so many warning signs re his temper though ... I really wish I had run a mile and heeded the warnings. I guess I wasn't strong enough & was in a state after my previous relationship.

@AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen

Thabks. Hope is a great thing! You're right. He's talking about buying a house etc etc and I've already made joint purchases with him. But I think I'll hold off on that until I know where we are going ...

@AsleepAllDay

Thanks. I'm hoping the counselling will help ... I have to sort my head out for once & for all ... I appreciate your kind words. I feel so deflated tbh!

@StormTreader

Yeah the sudden control is troublesome ... he's let slip ever so slightly in front of others in the past but never anywhere near what I see in private. I'd kind of love if the guard did slip sometime but it won't ... having said that, anytime or has come close, I just felt embarrassed & humiliated; so I probably wouldn't love it truth be told!

@FaithEverPresent Thanks. I think you're right! When we were seeing the counsellor, I told my cousin about it & she said she thinks he'd need long-term psychotherapy to get to the root of his problems. He's not going to suddenly say, 'yeah I'm abusive.'

Thanks to you all for reading & giving input ... I'd love to be occupying my head with other thoughts. Work is a great distraction.

All has been relatively calm lately but this morning, I walked in to his room to say goodbye (been in separate rooms this week) & I could feel the tension. I asked him if he was angry & he said yeah...this is where he'd normally kick off (or well before that without being asked) but he just gave out with a loud voice without shouting and turned around to look away from me. I had an important meeting in work this morning so I had a shower & washed my hair to look nice (normally it's scraped back in a bun). He was angry at the noise the hair dryer made in the next room! Trivial of course but I thought so unnecessary! He knows & I know if the tables were turned, I'd be bigging him up for his meeting.

As we've been in separate rooms, I must admit it does feel a little better but I miss him too.

When you're in an abusive relationship, hope can be your worst enemy. Hope is what keeps you stuck.

Sorry for all the typos.