Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

I read the whole thread and I too am a Catholic and get the whole Catholic guilt (and come from a large family etc.)

I never said that. What a disgraceful, disrespectful post. What I said was that I get her Catholic guilt. Nowhere did I use it as an excuse! I also never said stay - I said seek counselling and get a bit of space, like a separation.

My father is your husband, I know you have said you won't have children but please don't no child should grow up in constant fear, even if he isn't violent that kind of aggression is prettifying for a child. At 11 I had a plan for how I would protect and escape with my siblings when my father either took us away or killed my mother...when I think of that and look at my own DD who is the same age it breaks my heart for the little frightened girl I was.

My mother is very emotionally unavailable, I think you are following her pattern after all it's been imprinted into you from birth. Your parents probably didn't help you learn to regulate your emotions blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2016/03/7-consequences-of-having-an-emotionally-detached-parent/
Part of being emotionally unavailable is they are often very emotionally immature which you will have copied and I sense in you. I was like you 5-10 years ago I can honestly say exploring and understanding the effect my childhood had on me has made me into the person I always wanted to be.
I'm lucky my DH is from a similar family to mine but he vowed from early childhood to never be like his father so whilst we carry issues over from this we work well together so I can't give advice on what it's like to leave.

One thing I can advise is you say your sisters have problems with your mum, that is probably because they have realised how she damaged you all in childhood, I would start talking to them about your husband's behaviour and if it's linked to your parents and childhood I bet you they will think it is and be supportive of you.

and it's not a minor thing, it appears throughout her posts. I get it, which obviously you don't.

He yells at Slundle for moving in bed, takes her plate away, tells her she makes him angry, guilted her when she tried to leave, and these are just the things which have stuck in my mind. It clearly IS the relationship here Daffo.

Where a person has come from an abusive background and lacks self-esteem, a decent partner cares, nourishes and protects, builds up your self-esteem, and does not continue where your parent(s) left off!!

Once again, I recommend Cloud and Townsend’s book on boundaries, which is written from a Christian perspective. Basically, saying ‘no’ to others when they hurt us, is protecting God’s investment in us. Those who ignore us saying no, do not love us, they only love us when we say yes and are compliant. The book also says when you are in the stages of recovery from abuse, you should set boundaries to stay away from your abuser. It also deals with the myth that you should feel guilty for setting boundaries.

and a lot of Catholics stay in abusive marriages because of Catholic guilt....

I don't know if you ever watched the Sopranos but there is a great moment when Tony's wife finally goes to therapy on her own and the therapist basically leads her to the obvious conclusion that she's in an abusive marriage and the only way she can be truly happy is to leave. Yet her priest is telling her that marriage is sacred and she must fight to keep it...

all I am saying is when you do have that guilt and are surrounded by a large Catholic family and a priest that knows you, it helps to go and get an outside view of your relationship, rather than being stuck in the rut of what you know and what you think you should be doing

Slundle, if I could wave a magic wand for you, I'd free you of this fear of being lonely. Honestly, if/when you leave, there will be some uncomfortable moments, but it won't kill you. Don't let this fear of loneliness warp your life.

"I don't think he fits the description of an abuser perfectly."

Youre still clinging onto these scraps of "but he doesnt do this one thing so hes not abusive." What about all the ways he DOES fit? I feel youre looking for the ultimate permission to be allowed to leave and that every time you find something that says "they scream and shout and rage", youre saying "well he doesnt scream as such, I mean not that loudly, so this isnt the perfect proof I need that I'm allowed to leave."

Abuser profiles arent a recipe where if you leave out one single thing then the dish doesnt work. When you make a lasagne but have to substitute turkey mince for beef mince because youve run out, does that mean no-one would agree it was still lasagne? He doesnt physically hit you because he doesnt NEED to, you fall into line by just the threat of it through the rage and nastiness. Dont think that if you ever decided to stand up to him long enough, he wouldnt hit you. He would. Thats what the story of "I really wanted to hit her" was for, its a lion showing you its teeth.

I honestly would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with this man. He doesn't even let you eat to your heart's content, shift around in bed (the most intimate place), takes no responsibility for his feelings & expects a clean house and dinner on the table when he wants it. I'm not joking when I say that being single with your own schedule, home, job and only yourself to please is 20000000 x better than this

Thanks to all of you for all of your input. I really appreciate it and it's a great consolation to read when I have all these thoughts swirling around my head. I'm still meeting people who are congratulating me on the wedding for the first time, so it feels crazy to be writing posts like this.

I can appreciate where many of you are coming from with the strong advice to leave. Even if I could get over the fear of being alone/depressed etc, I suppose I'm pretty angry at myself and guilty that I didn't come to this before we got married...

Shortly after we started seeing each other, my landlord decided to sell, I had to move out, I literally couldn't find anywhere to live at short notice and so I moved back in with my ex. It was truly awful from the beginning. It was like he wanted to be with me in theory but was so angry at me for leaving that he couldn't treat me well. Once I got back with him and people found out, I succumbed to the nonsense friends had said to me. Friends had said, if you get back with him, that'll have to be it forever etc. So, I went to counselling with him. Why did I listen to those friends? Why wasn't I strong enough to say 'woah, no way, this can't be my life!' Instead I had a big, massive wedding where we exchanged vows, which should at least be earnest, if not sacred (admittedly I'm not a practising Catholic despite my upbringing and very religious parents). I mean, I can actually see why people would say nasty things about me if I left now.

I was in H's family of origin home last night and I imagined if he was there without me telling them I had left (aaaagain!). Can you imagine how bloody awful that makes me look? I've considered confiding in his sister but I'm not sure if that would help. I think they know he can be difficult as they never once held it against me for leaving and were all genuinely delighted when we got back together.

I know there's no sense in looking back. We are where we are and not every day is bad. Yesterday was absolutely fine. We didn't see much of each other granted but when we did, it was like two friends who get on fine. It's a 12 year relationship that should've been a 6 month relationship and yes, it's poor self-esteem that got me here. I've always had poor self-esteem for as long as I remember.

Years ago, before eventually getting to Breakup #1, he screamed and roared when I was in bed one night. I remember sitting on the couch in the middle of the night and just bawling. I remember regularly standing in the shower and bawling crying so he couldn't hear me.

Then, when I told him one day I wanted to leave after he lost it over something tiny, he curled up in the foetal position, cried and said he couldn't go on without me. I ended up soothing him and staying. I mean, no-one knows how hard all of this is/was. I really have gotten in too deep. I genuinely didn't believe I could do any better. On some level, now I know I could but I really do feel too far gone.

Who would forgive someone for ending a marriage after a 12 year relationship after a few months?

"Who would forgive someone for ending a marriage after a 12 year relationship after a few months?"

I would.

Everyone would forgive you. And those who won't are not good people & clearly have not stepped in your shoes. And yes, it could be close friends or family who turn against you but once you're free you will see that you can't keep yourself in a chokehold for people who want you to stay in a clearly bad situation.

He really sounds like the most abysmal person. It hurts my heart to read that you're still with him despite everything. I hope you can do the Freedom Programme & find support to get out - Im not in the U.K. right now but if I was I would try my hardest to help

The main person who needs to forgive is you, forgive yourself

Maybe another way to look at it is that it took twelve years to get in this far, it is going to take some time to get out. What are the steps you need to take to set your boundaries and be happy with yourself? These are the steps to take first.

Make sure you are building up a savings account too.

"Who would forgive someone for ending a marriage after a 12 year relationship after a few months?"

I would too.

I would too

have you got anyone in real life you can confide in and help you? someone close to you who isn't a friend of his?

I have a family member - we are religious too, remember - who got divorced. After a long term relationship that was on-off, the marriage barely lasted three months. There were still wedding leftovers. This family member had to get out because while it wasn't physically abusive, as you say, the relationship broke down and it was incredibly toxic. They couldn't bear to look at each other by that point. I was a witness to dramatic screaming matches. Family got involved to try and defuse it but made it worse

Said family member cried and worried about the disgrace of it and how she would live. She was afraid of the gossip and other family and friends who would no doubt judge her.

This was 6 years ago. Now she is remarried (I have my reservations about the new partner but that's just me, I'm picky), has a new baby and house. The ex is god knows where. They didn't have kids so the division of everything was simple

Nobody thinks about the ex. We don't talk about him. Nobody cares about him. This family member who was MARRIED to him couldn't give two shits about the guy. If people gossiped, they gossiped. If people disapproved, it makes no difference now. It is all history now

they know he can be difficult as they never once held it against me for leaving and were all genuinely delighted when we got back together

Do you know why? Because you are his punch bag and not them. You being there makes their life easier.

Thanks so much for your responses...I'm in a rush so I hope this message doesn't seem incoherent.

I think myself and H seem absolutely fine when we're in company, which is why my cousin was so surprised by the bits I told her. We never quarrel in front of others. There have been no arguments the past few days. I said last night how we need 'to talk' and he made some joke about how he has it much worse than I do...that got my back up but I chose not to react at the time. When I went to the counsellor last week, H joked beforehand, 'go easy on me.'

H gets on quite well with his family (for the most part). He's not the black sheep in the family, by any stretch...they rely heavily on him and he's extremely good to them.

I think I'm still getting my head around the fact he could have been/is verbally or emotionally abusing me, even though you've all said it and more than one counsellor said it. I went to a counsellor years ago for two sessions who likened me to domestic abuse victims she had treated. Maybe it's because when he's nice, he really is lovely and almost innocent. I've been told I see the good in people!

What keeps playing over in my mind though is how I know for a fact none of my friends/sisters in long-term relationships would stand for this...I know that based on lots of different things they've told me. As someone said upthread said, this is a mess all right...thanks again for all of your input. I have more clarity now than before but there's a way to go yet, I think...we'll see...I'm sort of curious how long myself and H can go with the way things are at the moment...I'm monitoring it closely.