I want to stop resenting my husband for how much he works. But I can’t! What should I do?

[Pinkduckyellowduck]

I have three kids. My husband works from 7am in the morning until 8pm every night. I work two days a week. But I manage everything there is to do with the house and our kids during the week. He takes over on the weekend (playing with the kids, anyway - he doesn’t touch the cleaning or washing etc, and resents it when I ask him to). But I am sick and tired of feeling alone! I never signed up to be a housewife, but I am one.

He’s a great dad when he’s around. Lately, though, I actually hate him. He comes home and I can hardly look at him.

We’ve talked about how much I dislike our balance so many times. He always promises to do what he can to change things, but nothing ever, ever changes. I bother to talking to him about anything now. I KNOW he can’t help his working hours. That’s his job. It’s well-paid but we’re constantly on the edge of being broke and can’t afford for him to work less.

I’m just not sure where the joy is in our relationship. Two weeks ago, we got a babysitter and just bickered all evening. I don’t like him anymore and I don’t know why. I think it’s because he’s made me into a housewife - and I never wanted to be one. I buy everyone’s clothes, I cook all the food, I do all the cleaning and all the washing, I do the school runs, I do every single piece of life admin there is.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I have no one in real life to tell, I suppose. And maybe venting?! But hoping that someone has been through the same and come out the other side?!

I fantasise about leaving him, because if we split the custody of the kids 50/50, then he’d actually have to participate more than just playing with them during the weekend.

He's a great dad? Really? Would a woman who did literally nothing for her children besides working be called a great mum?

He's not interested in being your partner or being a father to your children. You're right that your life will be better after divorce (his won't)

Is it those hours in the job, it is that including his commute? Could you move somewhere nearer if it is commute?
How old are DCs? I would be hacked off at him not doing household things at the weekend too!

I feel you. My DH works 11am until midnight. I feel like a single mum far too often.

I'm sorry but working is no excuse for not contributing to household chores.
He's an adult, he needs to start cleaning up after himself (eg clean the bathroom, put a washload on, hoover).

That’s rough.

We had a very skewed balance for a while. We spoke about it and he realised he worked so hard because he felt so responsible for our financial security he knew he had to make his job secure to make us secure.

But he did always pull his weight in certain ways and did change after we spoke about it- it just took a while to get the balance right in practice. He was nearly always willing.

A few that bugs that helped him understand:

1. I went away for a few days and he understood how much I did for him
2. He has a lot of colleagues (both female and male) with partners who work and they told him he was so lucky
3. I just started doing my own thing (courses, making stuff) and stopped doing other stuff around the house I’d been doing and he saw how much happier I was and how much happier he felt that I was headed back to the job market and he wasn’t always going to be the sole breadwinner
4. We started saying thank you to one another everyday (and alternated who went first). I said something like “Thank you for working so hard to keep us secure” and he’d say something like “Thank you for Building me a home life that makes us happy”. It got better quickly after that.

We also cut our outgoings and saved up some money to make us both feel more secure/feel like had some more options. Wasn’t a huge amount but it made a huge difference.

Things not that bugs!

He is not a great dad, he's not even a part time dad, he's a weekend disney dad; I seriously do not blame you, why have kids if you are actually not going to participate in raising them; it's always the woman that gets dumped on, so not fair! I also think working 7 to 8 does not give him a get out of doing FA at home card; I know plenty dads, including my own who at least helped when they could, he sounds like he's got the life of Reilly.

I don't have any real advice other than to say 'same here' I literally run the house single handed. school runs , nursery pick ups, all house admin, buy all the shopping, clothes etc , look after all pets, he works long hours and absolutely fuck all else. On the day he doesn't work he
Is irritable with the kids and expects them to 'sit and chill' at all times ! They are 2,4,8 and 12 .
So you have my sympathies

Thanks all! His official working hours are 9-5, but he manages a team and likes to be there before the first arrives or the last leaves. His commute is only 40 mins, but we’re London so it’s never easy to get under that.

I know long working hours is the culture of his company (I think it’s a bit toxic, to be honest). He worked somewhere else until two years ago and was home much more (home by 6, which was amazing in comparison!). Even then, though, he thought he was king for any little thing he did for the kids. I think it’s because his dad was never around and his mother makes him feel like a hero for even playing with his kids. Drives me crazy.

Our kids are under six. Young! And I’m knackered! I (mostly) love it, I just don’t want to do it alone so much. (Do not love the housework. But who does? )

lapsed, I like your way of thanking each other and making that change. I know my DH js stressed about money and works hard to make sure he stays in a job etc. but I don’t think he appreciates what I do at all. In fact, he doesn’t. Any problem with the kids is my fault, but any good thing goes unnoticed.

adora, yep - he is a weekend Disney Dad! Never thought of that before. The kids think he’s flipping marvellous.

flower - it’s tough doing so much on your own.

spaghetti - I fantasise about leaving but know I won’t. I don’t want to start again with three kids

Thank you, Hecticlifeanddrowning8, the same for you!

Start what again? This is the one and only life you have.

Even then, though, he thought he was king for any little thing he did for the kids.

I don't think it's so much his job and more it's just him and he priorities himself over all of you which includes his job; ridiculous that he thinks he's the dogs bollocks for playing with his own children but no offence, I'd not have had kids with this kind of man in the first place; I'm sure he's always be the same OP.

Least if you separated and had your own place, he'd have to step up and actually behave like a decent father and you'd maybe get a break!

He does it because he likes it. He gets credit and kudos for doing long hours at work and he avoids all the shit work at home. Basically he gets to be the conquering hero 24/7.

I have worked (as a childless woman) with men like this. They start far earlier than they need to and stay later than they have to. They are kiling time and dumping their families.

I would fuck off. Honestly. Maybe not for long but you need to make him realise that this is not okay and he is putting his marriage in crisis. Because right now, he's not listening.

And flowerpicture: " I feel like a single mum far too often." No, you don't. Being a single mum is nothing like being in a relationship with a disengaged partner.

Spaghettijumper, I know you’re right. I get so down about that, sometimes. But I don’t think I enjoyed being single before DH. Don’t know if I could do it again while this exhausted. Awful to admit, really. But I feel lonely enough as it is with a part time DH, let alone no DH

The vast majority of people who've been there will agree that while it is very hard to be a single parent, it is much more soul destroying to be in a pointless relationship with someone who has no respect for you.

doesnt sound like there is any joy left, and thats not your fault

Many spouses of certain professions ( law and banking spring to mind) will understand. My friend’s dh works many more hours than you describe and she felt much as you do, albeit in a more financially stable environment. She looked around at her peers and saw that broadly speaking there were three alternatives:

1. Divorce.
2. Remain resentful but stay married.
3. Make her own life and welcome him along when he was able.

She took option 3 and has made it work. He’s missed loads, his health is very precarious and he will die young almost certainly due to the extreme pressure, travel and insane pace. She knew he wouldn’t change so she did. She says she wishes she’d married someone with a regular job and far less money.

You need to have a frank talk with him about how you feel. He doesn't appreciate what you do because he doesn't think he needs to. Have you told him that you've thought about leaving him?

I'm in a similar position in that I am an accidental housewife. I write when I can and am hoping to go back to work as a teacher in the next year but mostly I run the household, do the admin, do all the school run stuff, homework supervision, parenting, laundry, cooking for the kids and bedtime / bathtime stuff, taking them to their swim / dance classes or whatever they do. Our DC are 3 and 6. It's exhausting. And the lack of recognition is hard.

We went through a bad phase after we had DD three years ago and DH got very burnt out with his job. He was stressed and taking his stress home with him, snapping at me and the kids, walking off to hide upstairs or leave the house whenever the kids got too much for him to deal with. I felt very angry that I could never walk away. Someone had to get them to sleep, dress them, feed them, deal with the tantrums and that someone was ALWAYS me. He traveled a lot for work too. It was miserable.

Now things are better after we had some frank discussions about a year ago. I went away for a few days to a writers conference and when I came back his attitude changed a lot. He felt we had grown apart and told me as much and that he needed to put in more of an effort. I told him, for my part, that I had considered divorcing him a number of times because then at least I would get weekends free and he would be forced to take care of both children whether he liked it or not. That really shocked him and since then we have both worked on making more of an effort with our marriage and are happier.

He still works long hours, still misses out on most school things but at least his attitude has changed and he makes much more of an effort with both DC now too. It's a long story and complicated background but I would say you both need to be upfront about what you want out of the marriage and try to find a way to be happier. Some friends of mine also swear by couples counseling but we would never have had time for that with his work schedule so we just did what we could to communicate more.

I'm a single mum. I'd give my right arm to be in your position. My dream is to be a housewife and be there for my kids but unfortunately I'm the one working all hours in order to provide.

Grass is always greener isn't it.

Does he leave at 7 and get back at 8? If so those are not unusually long hours.

I feel for you OP. I haven't been in your situation but I know I would feel the same.

Start to take some time out for yourself at weekends. Go out for the day, go away for the weekend. Leave him to deal with the kids and the house. Just to give yourself some space.

Can you not step up on the work front to give you some independence?

Well personally I loved being a single mum, but, i had a lot of support from my family and friends, I actually preferred that instead of being stuck with a useless partner and father.

So sorry op. Living with a workaholic who leaves 100% of domestic life to you is no kind of fun.

I should think at the very least you should have a cleaner to pick up some of the slack.

But from your last paragraph it sounds as though you are at the very end of your tether. You have tried talking to him about it and nothing changes. You can only give someone so many chances!

Could you start an evening hobby a couple of night’s a week so that a) he has to be home at a reasonable hour and deal with the house and the children and b) you get some much needed time to yourself? Doesn’t even need to be a real hobby, meet a friend for a drink, go the gym, anything really...