I want to stop resenting my husband for how much he works. But I can’t! What should I do?

[Pinkduckyellowduck]

I have three kids. My husband works from 7am in the morning until 8pm every night. I work two days a week. But I manage everything there is to do with the house and our kids during the week. He takes over on the weekend (playing with the kids, anyway - he doesn’t touch the cleaning or washing etc, and resents it when I ask him to). But I am sick and tired of feeling alone! I never signed up to be a housewife, but I am one.

He’s a great dad when he’s around. Lately, though, I actually hate him. He comes home and I can hardly look at him.

We’ve talked about how much I dislike our balance so many times. He always promises to do what he can to change things, but nothing ever, ever changes. I bother to talking to him about anything now. I KNOW he can’t help his working hours. That’s his job. It’s well-paid but we’re constantly on the edge of being broke and can’t afford for him to work less.

I’m just not sure where the joy is in our relationship. Two weeks ago, we got a babysitter and just bickered all evening. I don’t like him anymore and I don’t know why. I think it’s because he’s made me into a housewife - and I never wanted to be one. I buy everyone’s clothes, I cook all the food, I do all the cleaning and all the washing, I do the school runs, I do every single piece of life admin there is.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I have no one in real life to tell, I suppose. And maybe venting?! But hoping that someone has been through the same and come out the other side?!

I fantasise about leaving him, because if we split the custody of the kids 50/50, then he’d actually have to participate more than just playing with them during the weekend.

I dunno, sometimes with these threads I think that they'd read quite differently, if written from the other person's POV.

OP said upthread that he chooses to be the 1st in to work & last to leave, as he is managing a team.

I think of the replies are based on the OP, not the subsequent responses where OP outlines things in more detail.

Still find it depressing that a man should be excused from all domestic/family life because he chooses to work long hours.

How many of us work a long day & still manage to god forbid empty a dishwasher, cook a meal or engage with our children? I'm sure many of us even put a wash on at weekend without being asked, or snarky responses like OP's husband gives.

If it was a man posting, asking AIBU to do fuck all round the house, the responses would be a resounding no.

If it was a man working 2 days and the woman working 5, would MNetters seriously expect her to do chores at the weekends?????

Exactly

I certainly would! Because I pull my weight at home. And I expect my partner to as well. Because we're supposed to be a team, who support each other & share the load.

Unlike OP's husband, who lies in bed at weekends whilst she gets up with 3 young kids & rolls his eyes when asked to do a task around the house.

This isn't related specifically to the OP, but I do sometimes wonder why we do the whole marriage and kids thing. Unless you're very careful, it can fuck up your life. They don't teach you that at school or in the Disney stories!

Absolutely!! And I think your concept of marriage changes, particularly when DC come along. I can't remember what I thought in my 20's it was that bloody long ago but it's very different from what I'd look for in a partner now.

"Of course he should do the odd bit of housework whatever, but not to the same extent as someone who works 2 days a week!"

Yes he definitely should do some housework. But I get the impression some here think the man must always do half the housework regardless of how many more hours he works, and if necessary he should cut back his hours to enable this.

It's about equal amounts of free time Scott. On the whole, from what I read on here, men that work full time with wives who work part time or do full time childcare seem to do bugger all housework. As if looking after children isn't an actual job.

Which is partly why I'm a big fan of equal amounts of paid work so that the shit work logically has to be divided equally. And also so that blokes like pan can't indulge in their hyperbole about how terribly hard it is to wear a suit and go to the loo in peace 5 days a week. Anyone would think he was on the front line.

I have 3 DC at similar ages to the OP. The amount of work to keep the family home in shape is insane. Breakfast is 4-5 bowls plus cups (depending on if DH is home), I have two lunchboxes and my lunch to pack and dinner is another 4-5 plates and cups. That's just the dishes. Most weekends we run the dishwasher twice. One person doing everything over the weekend is very unfair. They should at least do 50%.

Very interesting thread. Dh is at work for too many hours, drives me crazy, but he works like a dog and it's quite expected and toxic and we've talked about that.
I work 3 days and do all the drudgery, with no cleaner - the pp of a list of booking classes, parties, etc reminded me how much I do.

Saying that, Dh is very driven at home and good with dc aswell, so I can't complain as much as OP.

Still find it depressing that a man should be excused from all domestic/family life because he chooses to work long hours
He is, he spends time with his kids at the week-end.

What is depressing is that so many women can't seem to appreciate how good they have it. Working two weeks and then finding it hard to cope with 2 children and housework. Really? Housework if done taken on full-on doesn't need to be more than 1 hour a day if organised. Of course, that involves doing what really needs to be done, not leaving the house like a showroom every evenings.

This sort of thread reminds me every time of that programme that was on about 10 years ago when couple going through difficult times swapped their roles for a week. Inevitably, it resulted in the men realising that looking after kids was harder than they had imagined, but also women concluding at the end that they wouldn't swap their role for the rush of commute, stress of the demand of a job that brings good money in, and the exhaustion of the evening knowing that they have to do this for 5 days in a row.

Both roles are tiring and relentless, but at least at home, you do have more control. You can stay in your pyjamas if you don't want to face the word, you can tell your kids to leave you alone if you have a headache, you can go and have a nap when they are asleep if you had a sleepless night, you can manage the day in fog mode at home and nobody is going to critisise you, all things you can't do when you work in a managerial role.

@lulu12345
I’m currently on maternity leave with DD2 and due back shortly. I don’t think I will be going back though. Aside from the fact that we can afford it a lot of factors lead to that decision 1) DH works in the same industry and works super long hours and I don’t think it’s fair that the DC don’t see either is their parents between Monday and Friday 2) part time or flexible not an option in this job because it is project based largely 3) haven’t been able to find a nanny who is willing to work 7 to 7 5 days a week whom I like - we had mum here for DD1 when I went back and 4) I miss them too much to do it!
I guess I’ll go back to work in a few years. I don’t resent DH for working the hours and I know it’s essential but it’s so much bloody easier for the men! If I had a stay at home husband looking after the dc it would be a different thing entirely

The thing that stands out for me is that you chose to have three children , and you had a husband who worked 13 hour days.
Did you ever discuss how this was going to work ?
Who did you think was going to look after them and cope with all the drudgery that having 3 very young children brings ?

@swingofthings
On balance I would agree with you but there is an awful lot of generalisations in your post. I have a baby who doesn’t sleep through the night, and no I can’t just sleep when the baby sleeps during the day because I have another child. I can’t lounge in pjs when I want because I drop DD1 to preschool or take her to class as she needs an outing to release energy.
I work(ed) also at a very challenging career and I’d just say there are pros and cons to both, and one can’t just assume that staying at home is easier. It depends on the age and number of kids, the house, the job your husband is doing etc.

But finally at the end of the day, if you are staying at home 5 days a week looking after the kids YOURE STILL DOING A JOB! It may not be a high flying or glamorous one but if it wasn’t a job I wouldn’t be paying £12/hour + tax + pension + NI to someone else to do it. That’s £50k a year I pay to a full time 7 to 7 nanny, and that’s what the job is worth.

So having said that, I think it’s only fair that both parents contribute to housework and childcare on the weekends. My gripe by the way is that unlike OP my DH doesn’t do any childcare on the weekends and sleeps till 10/11am every weekend leaving me to grapple with them on my own.

My was the same, he worked lots of unpaid hours and lived to work. I resented it loads or hell, he thought he was being appreciative acted at work and would get ahead.

Then his dad died and he realised how little he’d seen him. We talked and I explained AGAIN that he was missing our daughter growing up.

He cut back on the hours and nobody even noticed it cared. He’s been promoted twice since then.

It was a massive waste of time and he’s missed out on so much but is happier now his life has balance.

Ultimately it was his choice. He chose to be absent. It caused a rift because everyone else paid the price for him being selfish and making the wrong choice but at least he’s seen the light now. It was never something he had to do and it got him nowhere as nobody else worked to that extent.

My response was more to OP than you. If your OH does nothing at all during the week-end when you have two children at home FT, then yes, I agree that he isn't pulling his weight, but that's different to OP's situation.

As you say, it depends on all the factors you've highlighted. What I find sad though is that OP does seem to think that she is the one hard done by and resent her OH because she feels she does more than he does.

The other point is that I think SAHM can sometimes forget what their OH do that is not cleaning, washing up, dusting. I do most of the housework in the house, but any DIY, gardening, maintenance, my OH does. These still need to be done regularly but because most takes place outside, it can be easy to forget about them.

Having been on both sides of the coin, I would much rather have the commute and the long hours in a stressful job than being at home with kids. It's relentless, it's unappreciated, it's boring and it can be bloody lonely. There are huge psychological rewards with being a conquering hero at work which are non existent as a sahp.

And the OPs husband does none of the shit work and resents it if he's asked.

You are responsible for your own happiness. It is your life.

I would get a cleaner. I know you say you can’t afford it but I would cut back on something else.

It is difficult in some work places. People are expected to work very long hours. I wouldn’t want to do housework having been out of the house over 12 hours. Can you go back to work part time so that he could career change?

I regularly remind my two teenage boys that I Did not come onto this planet to iron, clean, etc etc whilst they lounge around on the PS4s. That is not why women are here. Yet when you read these threads that is how it is. Go and get a full time job, get a childminder and a cleaner. Get the shopping delivered and use Amazon for everything else. Your choice.

I usually rtft before posting but I disagree that going part time or being SAHM is necessarily a choice. I think what often happens is that the domestic responsibilities ratchet up until one partner feels they can't cope with it and a full time job so drop their hours. Then, they are not seen as the breadwinner and even more of the domestic drudge falls to them. The remaining breadwinner casts themselves in that role, considers that they are earning the money and don't believe that they should have to pick their pants off the floor any longer. This is consolidated in a divergence of roles and becomes especially toxic in the scenario the OP describes where her DH is happily dodging his family responsibilities (and I have also seen many,many men over the years admit to staying late for this reason). The millisecond I dropped my hours to spend more time with DD (with no drop in earnings) my exh started protesting that I was part time and should therefore do more of the shitwork)

Bingo iamreally

*@UtterlyConfused111 ahh ok your 4th point is the killer (ie you want to spend the time at home). I had an awful feeling that you were feeling pushed into it and we'd see you here in a years' time starting a similar post!!

I'm also in same extremely competitive industry as DH and about to go back to work. Nanny plus Nursery and school fees will be a struggle but I enjoy the job and want to be able to stay in it.

Completely agree with your point about being a SAHP is a job that would cost £50k to outsource. So when it comes to evenings and weekends the two parents should be equally entitled to free time.

My DH worked similar hours and I worked similar hours to the OP. My DH certainly wasn't working for fun and his own ego. He was working for money and to build up his career. I happily did all the household work and encouraged him to do fun stuff with the kids at the weekend - I got to have time with the kids all through the week and I thought it was important for him and them to hang out together at the weekend.

The OP has said she doesn't want to increase her hours as she would miss the kids too much but it is an option if she wants.

I suspect the issues aren't to do with 'the drudgery' or the housework but more to do with the OP and her husband becoming incompatible.

OP, out of interest how was your DH after your first kid? Has his behaviour changed a lot?

If the husband was out drinking or doing sport or something then I'd agree that should stop but the poor sod is working, presumably, for his family

Which is partly why I'm a big fan of equal amounts of paid work so that the shit work logically has to be divided equally.
BINGO

But seriously this is all in your control OP, no one is forcing you to do all this stuff to facilitate his life. Up your hours, use the money to outsource, discuss the remainder of tasks that need doing and how you'll share them.