I want to stop resenting my husband for how much he works. But I can’t! What should I do?

[Pinkduckyellowduck]

I have three kids. My husband works from 7am in the morning until 8pm every night. I work two days a week. But I manage everything there is to do with the house and our kids during the week. He takes over on the weekend (playing with the kids, anyway - he doesn’t touch the cleaning or washing etc, and resents it when I ask him to). But I am sick and tired of feeling alone! I never signed up to be a housewife, but I am one.

He’s a great dad when he’s around. Lately, though, I actually hate him. He comes home and I can hardly look at him.

We’ve talked about how much I dislike our balance so many times. He always promises to do what he can to change things, but nothing ever, ever changes. I bother to talking to him about anything now. I KNOW he can’t help his working hours. That’s his job. It’s well-paid but we’re constantly on the edge of being broke and can’t afford for him to work less.

I’m just not sure where the joy is in our relationship. Two weeks ago, we got a babysitter and just bickered all evening. I don’t like him anymore and I don’t know why. I think it’s because he’s made me into a housewife - and I never wanted to be one. I buy everyone’s clothes, I cook all the food, I do all the cleaning and all the washing, I do the school runs, I do every single piece of life admin there is.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I have no one in real life to tell, I suppose. And maybe venting?! But hoping that someone has been through the same and come out the other side?!

I fantasise about leaving him, because if we split the custody of the kids 50/50, then he’d actually have to participate more than just playing with them during the weekend.

As a mother of now bigger kids now 18 and 20 I was also in your position when my kids were young. My Dh worked every hour that God gave him.He was never home and even at the weekend wasn't great father in my eyes..I know how hard it is.I had no support as we were living overseas at the time.I often felt just like you.
In order to stay sane I always left them with him at least one morning or afternoon at the weekend as I was a full time SAHM. I got a babysitter in the evenings so that I could go out to my book club etc.
You are angry with him but I am sure you don't hate the man you have four kids with.Being a single mum will be just as difficult.
Our kids are older now and we are reaping the benefits of the hard work and the sacrifices that we both made when our DC's were young.We have a lovely home and can afford fabulous holidays to gether as a couple again.He is a a very loving husband and father Somehow during those years he was just driven to be successful for himself and for us. Our relationship survived some very difficult times .I am glad that I stuck it out.

Equally schnubbins there are thousands of women whose husbands walk away and they are left with fuck all. It's a terrible gamble.

Could you work more days so that he could cut back some hours?

We had a similar setup and it felt a bit uneven so we recently made some small changes. DH has taken on all the house admin (arranging car/house/life insurance, remortgaging, paying bills, car maintenance etc) because he can do that at lunchtime at work. He also does most of the gardening. We get one weeknight 'off' each, so he gets home early and does all the bath and bedtime stuff so I can go out, and he plays sport on his night. At weekends I have a lie-in on Saturday and he has one on Sunday, then we spend the rest of the day as family time. I'm so much happier now it feels like I can be 'me' for a few hours a week

Oh also, flexible working!

I'm not saying it's easy. I can't get my DH to do it (excuses about 'it's not that kind of culture' etc). But that is bullshit really and if I was at the end of my tether as you are I would insist. It isn't easy to do at a lot of companies but they are required to consider it.

I manage a team but I still work from home one day a week. It is transformative for me. I do school drop off and finish my day earlier because of no 40 min commute. But the main thing is that my lunch break/coffee break is used to chuck in some laundry, get some food going for the freezer. It's quite difficult to fit it all in and I do work in the evenings sometimes but it's very much worth it.

Why do you think you are paying for childcare? and are then skint...you are a family - you are both paying for childcare - they are both of your children .....

Value yourself and your children a bit more - he is choosing to stay in the office rather than be at home - get angry not moanie- moanie will get you nowhere, am sure it will just wash over his head - he will do the equivalent of la la la in his head...

As they say here work out your plan and tell him to pull his fucking finger out...
he changes firm/job again to get a better work life balance or he stays in his current one dick waving (getting in before his team and leaving after) but will probably get found out for being incompetant (sending you links playing solitare etc as the poster above says he is choosing to be there)
but he gets home and contributes....even if it he leaves earlier 2/3nights a week and does all the DC stuff or ALL the laundry - he has to pick up some responsibiity...

work out what you want to him to pick up... give him a deadline- get your ducks in a row for September (finance information etc)

I would go back to work more (4 days or full time) and say this is the way ts going to be or he's out.... otherwise you will end up really resentful and miserable....

Maybe counselling may help if he has poor role models in his life - but what role model are you giving your children? You are choosing this be honest with yourself as well - is the trade off worth it?

I am seeing it a lot with friends in our area too who have slid into this position and there is a limit to how much hobbies/friends can pull you through when the basics of your life are out of balance....

the worst being the family where the dh got made redundant and is struggling to get another job - but is still useless so now my friend has an extra weight and is working more and even more resentful..... as her dh is not contributing anything...

OrchidInTheSun I know only too well that many men walk away. I am seeing it here where we live everyday. Its frightening ! If I were to do it all again I would never ever be a SAHM again but with hindsight one is always wiser.
20 years ago things were a little different , we also were abroad for 5 yrs where I couldn't work and then due to my husbands work hours and travel(gone 50% of the time) I couldn't work as nurse as I had nobody to take over from me on shift work.One of my sons has learning difficulties so needed a lot of support after school. the schools here in DE provided no support . Sometimes those busy days are just a blur but surely there could be someway the OP can work it out with her DH.That is all I want to say.

@schnubbins
And OP
I have been following this thread with interest and even though I never usually comment wanted to say thank you to @schnubbins for her post, your words heartened me as I can’t really leave my husband.
I am in a similar position to OP, and currently on maternity leave for DD2, but was working full time (though two days at home) before the mat leave. I was in pretty much the same situation as OP and still get fed up of the drudgery. It’s so endless, the cycle of wash, hang, feed, wash, cook etc
But also my DH doesn’t do much at all with the kids. He works very long hours during the week (7am to 9pm) which is not by choice and is absolutely exhausted on the weekend. Everything falls on me, he sleeps in every weekend, I do bath time every single night - I haven’t had a day off from bath time and bedtime for over a year now, i feed all meals, bottles etc. It’s ok, during the week because he is not here, but on the weekend I find myself getting more resentful as he sleeps/rests while I carry on. He cooks on the weekend and will take dd1 and dog for a one hour walk and that’s all the respite I get. I try to change the situation but at the end of the day he just says he is tired and I I take over, because I can’t be arsed to negotiate and nag and nag. I just want him to take some ownership of the kids instead of saying “let me know if I can help” just dig in and pick up screaming baby/toddler/food boiling over etc
But I know the situation won’t change and I have resigned myself mostly so I just hope that as the kids get older and starts school I will then get some respite. And it will get easier. I’m just bloody tired of bathtime every single day.

That was therapeutic! Good to vent

I find it sad that while we question why women aren't getting ahead in the workplace we don't push more housework to the men at home.

My DH was home for 3 days in May. I work FT and have 3DC who are 6, 5 and 2. Youngest is in daycare and elder two are in school. Eldest has aftercare and younger two are with my PT sitter until I get home.

Until we as women address the inequality in our homes we can't fix the inequality in the workplace. Calling housework drudgery indicates you don't want to be at home. That's fine. Then fight to make things more equal at home so you can have a choice to work. When you do start working be mindful that you aren't the only one doing everything. DH has much more flexibility than I do because of his seniority. The school don't mess with him either the way they mess me around because they are completely sexist too.

I think one of the main problems is that it’s all take (usually from the man) and give by the women and therefore an inequality at home and subsequently the workplace.

I know that I’m incredibly lucky as DH does more than 50% at home- and he’s also much better at cooking and food shopping than me. Before DT’s were born we were both at start of demanding careers which we both wanted to continue with. We struggled until DT’s were about three when everything was collapsing and we were fire fighting through each day. We decided we would both step back on the career path - I was on Partner track with my employer but withdrew from the scheme and am now very happy being Director grade (with an agreement that I would always finish work by 5pm). DH was training as a hospital consultant and decided instead to train as a GP. He is now the senior partner not far from where we live in central London. We have both recently reduced to a 4 day week.

We don’t have any family to help in the uk so both had to make decisions which worked for our careers but much more importantly our family. The key point is we both made decisions to help our family and not just one of us.

You know all these terribly exhausted men could do more. I'm a single parent, I work full time in a demanding job, some days I do 10-12 hours. I have no one to take over the weekend shifts so I just get on with it.

These men are walking all over you and it makes me so angry. It's also another reason why men get promoted faster - because they outsource all that wifework to their women at home so that they don't have to think about it. Women (even if they're not single) generally still do all the remembering about parties and non-uniform days and all that other crap that occupies our brains rather than carrying on the partner track.

And schnubbins - you are right. I'm just sad that these patterns are being repeated time and time again and nothing changes. I watch mediocre men being promoted because the exceptional women have been relegated to being SAHMs because it 'doesn't make financial sense' for their career to continue to progress.

I'm very glad things have worked out for you :)

Orchid, it's very different as a single parent than a couple. If you were working like you are but had a partner who didn't or did a token few hours would you honestly not expect him to pick up the household stuff? I doubt it.

Woman aren't relegated to SAHMs, they have a choice. It's mainly as they want to or don't want to pay childcare.

A man doesn't need a wife at home, if they can't function without another adult then who would want to marry them in the first place or so helpless.

I find it sad that while we question why women aren't getting ahead in the workplace we don't push more housework to the men at home.

This ^

In my experience, asking (or worse expecting) a husband to pick up the slack doesn't always work - you have to force them. So - go back to work and tell him he needs to be home to do nursery pick up X days a week - if he's late he can deal with the consequences of annoyed nursery staff and fees. Give him household chores and just grit your teeth and accept he won't do as good a job as you would. Leave organising his family's birthday presents to him and if they don't get anything tell them why! He will eventually adapt.

Yes, this is about doing something for yourself, but much more importantly, it's about setting an example for our daughters and other young women, that says we are just as important as men and if we want a career we will damn well have one.

lulu- I agree with your comments - just leave them to it. I’ve never bought birthday or Christmas presents for DH’s family - I have enough trouble buying for mine! With presents for friends of our DC’s, everything came from Tesco’s as a part of the online shop. Cards, presents and wrapping paper are kept in a cupboard and whether it was DH or I taking them to the party, you got out a present from our stock, wrapped it and made DC write in the card.

I was lucky as DH left home at 18 to come to the uk to study so had to sort out his own laundry, shopping, cleaning and cooking - he was organized by the time we got together- probably better than me!

A couple of things stand out in your posts, you say you don't want to work full time, but want him to help more, ....realistically he only has the weekends.

You can only just manage financially but want him to prioritise family time over work and still not work full time yourself...how can that work?

You also are not willing to move to a cheaper area to ease the pressure.

You hate the drudgery but still had 3 kids! of course there is a lot of drudgery if you have 3 kids.

Its simple either work full time and pay for domestic help to avoid the drudgery, and share any admin on the weekends, or stop complaining and make it work.

My DH has never ever helped at all evenings or weekends with anything, no housework, DIY, mowing the lawn, paying bills, xmas, birthday, nothing...nor got up with sick Dcs.. ever.

But he leaves at 6.30am and returns at 7pm or later in an immensley stressful job.He has travelled most of the past 3 weeks.

I have worked PT (partly from home) since Dcs, and done everything else from decorating to taking Dcs everywhere, to me it is a fair division of labour.

Of course l hate the drudgery, but he hates travelling to various time zones and being in hotels.

I hate unblocking the sink, he hates getting up at 5.45am daily.

I get to have the odd lunch with a friend in the day or go shopping occasionally , he gets to have work lunches and functions, and drinks after work.

If I was really fed up l could work more and pay for more help, that is my choice as it is yours.

As long as you both have the same amount of leisure time that is all that matters.

Stop hating your Dh he works hard to support your family, take control of your time to suit you more, and if there is truly still an imbalance talk to him about dividing time spent on things at the weekend.

I'm assuming that your DH did his fair share of household stuff before you had the children? If so, when and why do you think it changed? If he didn't, then I don't understand why you would have three children knowing that it would be down to you to do it all. Also, if he didn't, do you really see any way of him changing and doing his share now?

Does anyone seriously think if OP goes back full-time, her DH is going to start pulling his weight at home? More likely that she'll be working f-t & doing it all (instead of p-t) & doing it all. And if they split up, she'll be doing it all, probably in financial hardship. Not great choices.

It's really tough when one partner works long hours, especially isn't enough money to pay for extra help & there's no family support. I had a similar situation when DC were young & the resentment this caused has done serious damage to our relationship.

I think OP needs to spell out the damage it is doing. He's probably not taking it seriously because in his mind "she's nagging about housework". If it's reframed for what it is: "I am seriously thinking of ending the marriage" he might re-think.

But be clear about what you want OP. Is it a break (eg 1/2 day a week in playground -cheaper than nursery) or for him to do 15 mins housework daily etc?

I fantasise about leaving him, because if we split the custody of the kids 50/50, then he’d actually have to participate more than just playing with them during the weekend

Pinkduck be careful what you wish for, as they say. Just because you leave him does not mean he will be prepared to split custody 50/50! That's a dangerous assumption.

What he could do is use his long-hours work pattern as his excuse, why he can only have the DC alternate Saturday nights and dump them back on you Sunday all ready for the school week ahead. He will still be the Disney dad, doing fun sleep overs, picnics and weekend stuff, while you get the same old same old. How convenient!

Exactly daisy - OP will still be doing all the grunt work, whilst working full time as a single parent & paying a fortune in childcare. He'll be the alternate weekend dad, doing all the nice things with them.

Not much fun, eh?

Shit choices for OP, though.

@dragongirl10

i agree, while i can symapthise with the OP, her Dh is not 'forcing ' her to be a housewife, she is doing the work, but she could go to work f/t the same hours he does if she wanted and they could outsource all the 'drudgery'..have a nanny, cleaner etc

When i worked those kind of hours and more, i did not want to be doing bloody housework at weekends either, i wanted to play with my children and relax and rest.

the OP does have the three other days of the week that she doesnt work, and children maybe in some form of childcare/school etc, if she is entitled to use these as her own time then surely her DH is entitled to the same at the weekends ?

I think th epopular Mn view is that working outside of the home is a fun alternative and people who do this should then 'step up' at weekends and do the chores as well.

With 3 kids under 6, it is going to be really tough.

A friend on mine said "it's amazing any marriage survives young children".

My youngest is now 5 & about to start school. It's a piece of cake now.

When I had a 5 year old & 1 year old with DP working long hours, it was hell on earth.

MoreProsecco that's the thing, truly Hobson's Choice for the OP, isn't it. It must be like talking to a brick wall, he just won't 'get' it. I bet he takes the view "I go to work for a rest"

It's amazing the amount of men who work long hours as a way of avoiding the grind of family life & cherry-picking the "nice" bits at the weekend.