I want to stop resenting my husband for how much he works. But I can’t! What should I do?

[Pinkduckyellowduck]

I have three kids. My husband works from 7am in the morning until 8pm every night. I work two days a week. But I manage everything there is to do with the house and our kids during the week. He takes over on the weekend (playing with the kids, anyway - he doesn’t touch the cleaning or washing etc, and resents it when I ask him to). But I am sick and tired of feeling alone! I never signed up to be a housewife, but I am one.

He’s a great dad when he’s around. Lately, though, I actually hate him. He comes home and I can hardly look at him.

We’ve talked about how much I dislike our balance so many times. He always promises to do what he can to change things, but nothing ever, ever changes. I bother to talking to him about anything now. I KNOW he can’t help his working hours. That’s his job. It’s well-paid but we’re constantly on the edge of being broke and can’t afford for him to work less.

I’m just not sure where the joy is in our relationship. Two weeks ago, we got a babysitter and just bickered all evening. I don’t like him anymore and I don’t know why. I think it’s because he’s made me into a housewife - and I never wanted to be one. I buy everyone’s clothes, I cook all the food, I do all the cleaning and all the washing, I do the school runs, I do every single piece of life admin there is.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I have no one in real life to tell, I suppose. And maybe venting?! But hoping that someone has been through the same and come out the other side?!

I fantasise about leaving him, because if we split the custody of the kids 50/50, then he’d actually have to participate more than just playing with them during the weekend.

And even more amazing MoreProsecco the amount of women who want to believe that those men are unavoidably detained at work rather than swerving the tedium of bath and bedtime

Hmm I don’t know. My dh works those sort of hours and more, sometimes up to 11 days in a row and I work school hours term time.

I work a lot fewer hours so I do all the chores. He does the outside stuff like cars and lawns when he has time.

He misses out on loads of family stuff while I get to see the kids all the time and be here for them.

I make my own plans and enjoy life with them and he joins us when he can.

It’s not a choice for him though, he works hard and is often kept late due to the type of work he does. He provides very well for us and I am grateful for that. Hence I don’t make a fuss about housework because I would much rather be at home doing that than be away from my children for 7 days at a time and hardly see them.

We try to make the most of holidays and chill out together. Maybe once every couple of months we try and do cinema or lunch out together.

We used to row about it but since realising how much he does for us and that it’s not his choice to be away so much, it’s got a lot better.

In 18mo time I go back to work full time so that should be interesting. He will work less then as he won’t have to do so much overtime and the balance will come back I hope.

I work those hours as a single parent and do all the washing, cooking, cleaning (the dcs do help a bit)

you need to be straight with him. I would start with easy wins - arrange with him that every Monday he will cook for example (or every Sunday if a weekend day is easier). Tell him his job before he goes to work is unloading the dishwasher in the morning (only takes 5 mins). Just spell it out.

and tell him that the children will respect him more let alone you - never good for dcs to see only the mother slaving at home I think

It's amazing the amount of men who work long hours as a way of avoiding the grind of family life & cherry-picking the "nice" bits at the weekend.

Equally it’s amazing how on these threads it is assumed that the man working long hours is just dossing around in the office having a laugh while deliberately avoiding any home responsibilities as opposed to him busting a gut to keep the roof over the head and the lights on with the added pressure of being the main breadwinner!

Outsourcing the shit work will change your life. You don't want to do it, he doesn't want to do it, it has to get done so pay someone to do it!! It really is as simple as that.

Seriously if he's working that hard he better be earning good money. I think you should just get a really good, experienced nanny to help you and go back to work. A good nanny will run a household too. Get a fortnightly cleaner. Get a food delivery. It's actually quite simple; no one said you had to do these jobs. So get someone else to do them.

Dont row about housework. Just make housework not your problem. He does, why shouldn't you.

Hire a cleaner to come in even once a week. It will make a huge difference as others have said. Stop doing some chores at home and leave them up to him. I'm sure he can do his own laundry/ironing for instance. Try and get out and meet some other mums sometime. And try and appreciate that he is sacrificing too, working these long hours. But your kids will only be so young for a short time, once they are school age things get easier apparently.

Does he have to be there before and after the team? Do they managers do it and will it effect him negatively if he doesn’t?

If it will then he and you need to ride it out until he can change things without Abu negative effect

So whilst you’re doing that then yes look to your own decisions - work more definitely look for a cleaner

Can you really say he made you a housewife. Would he say you made him work long hours? Does he resent that, it doesn’t sound like it which is lucky

He could also do some things to lighten the load - empty the dishwasher in the morning, do some housework on the weekend

But right now a cleaner would take strain off you

Grass is always greener isn't it
Oh I so agree with this! I've worked FT all my life in very demanding jobs that required extra hours regularly. I've also been a single mum for most of that time. It is very hard when you are in this situation to not wonder how you could possibly be moaning about yours. It sounds like the ultimate perfect life, a balance of work and being with your children. I would love to have time to do housework and do it without the need to rush it and within the limits of Saturday morning because that's the only real time to do it.

Personally, I would suggest you reflect on whether your life is really that miserable and if it's all your DH's doing. You say you are lonely, why is that? You have two days together with your OH, why aren't you making the best of it? You have the perfect balance between working some hours and being with your kids, why can't you appreciate it?

Can you Speak to him about this and see if he can have at least 2 days a week where he leaves work on time? He might realise that it's fine to do that and no one is that bothered. He could explain to his boss etc that he needs to pick kids up or he needs to just help at home for his kids. Work places are meant to be more understanding of dad's needing to be flexible and help with families more.
It is annoying it is the woman who ends up doing most of the housework, shopping and childcare. I get fed up of it. My husband isn't too bad as doesn't work long hours but I still do most so end up having a moan about it every so often.

I think the problem here is that OP has had numerous discussions with him, where he makes promises & doesn't follow through. Her DH works in a long working hours culture.

And money is tight so a cleaner, nanny etc maybe isn't realistic.

It's pretty shit all round when one partner works these types of hours. I suspect he's not having a barrel of laughs at work (unless it's one of these client dinners-golf-type social events role) and OP certainly isn't enjoying feeling overwhelmed at home.

It's very telling, that in subsequent posts, OP talks about her DH's family's views on work/life balance - he's grown up with a 1950's set up & perhaps subconsciously wants this too. So he can't see their setup as a problem. It suits him. He can carry on, knowing that everything at home is covered. And if it's not, then it's not his problem.

He's not taking any responsibility for family life. He not acknowledging her needs & that's why she's seething with resentment. And as we know, resentment is a killer in relationships.

Why don’t you get a job and then pay a cleaner/childcare etc?

OP does work.

Jeez I don't think he's that terrible husband and father. Works horrendous hours all week to help provide for his family, weekends he spends with his kids. I totally get you don't like being a house wife (I wouldn't either) but it's only whilst the kids are so young. Once they are all at school you'll be able to work more, perhaps get a cleaner etc.

Sounds like you both need to work harder on appreciating what the other does, understand how the other is feeling and both help each other out. Perhaps you need to alternate who gets a night off each week (and does hobby , goes for a drink etc to unwind) And make an effort to have more date nights and enjoy it! Definitely think this situation can be saved!

It's the fact that he chooses to start early and finish late that would really annoy me. A good leader doesn't need to be visibly present for their team.

He is ducking out of family life.
You need to tell him how this is making you feel.

Do you do his washing, ironing and put his dinner on the table? Maybe it's time to stop.

Go away for a few weekends. Leave him to it. When you get back and the place is trashed, point out that he needs to step up.

He needs to realise that you will leave if he doesn't pull his finger out

@moreprosecco
I don’t know about OP but you have perfectly described my situation with DH. He keeps telling me on the weekends to “text him if I need a hand” - and goes into the garden, has an nap etc which is pointless because when the baby has had a poo explosion while the toddler is having a tantrum and you need help, taking out your phone to text isnt an option. Discussions don’t help, we have had too many and he never follows through. He has grown up in boarding school and his family life was mum at home, dad away for work all the time and I think subconsciously he expects the same. I just asked him to help with the kids this afternoon (he slept till 10am, as he does every weekend) and he said in a very snarky way “I’ll do what I’m told then”. I just said thanks.

@swingofthings
In a way you sound like my mother in law who tells me how her husband was away for work and she did everything and got on with it. Nobody on this thread is I think disputing it is harder for a single mother. But the point is OP isn’t a single mother.
As for working full time, after dd1 I too was working full time in a super competitive male dominated industry, and earning more than DH. If I had been up all night because DD was teething or sick nobody but nobody cut me any slack. DH didn’t do anything. I did all the housework and like you I’d be doing laundry in the middle of the night and running conference calls during bathtime etc. It is shit doing it all alone.
But OP isn’t alone and nor am I. The reason for the resentment is that in today’s day and age both parents get involved, and it’s not just the woman’s role to do it all. It’s really wrong.

Of course I agree about both parties needing to be involved but that would mean OP considering FT whilst her OH looked for another FT job but one that would be 9-5 working hours. Would OP be happy to work FT and do less housework and looking after the kids?

I work in an environment where most top managers work extra hours. I don't because I just can't do it any longer as constantly battling exhaustion. I know that others speak behind my back and ultimately I would be the first one out if it came to it.

Housework and looking after kids must less stressful than coping with a demanding job. I've done both and I know which one I'd do any day if I had a choice.

Of course OP might be different and love one of those jobs. If that's the case then maybe she should aim for it and her OH could consider a more relaxed one and he could do more at home.

@UtterlyConfused111 "after dd1 I too was working full time in a super competitive male dominated..."

None of my business clearly but just out of curiosity have you given up this job now? (Just sounds like you have from way you describe it..) If so, can I ask why? Just being nosy cos I also work in a super competitive environment.

Can't you work more days yourself, in order to contribute financially more, and be able to afford a cleaner?

I doubt he's leading the life of Riley either. Working 13 hours a day and then being nagged at the weekend to do domestic stuff.

You work two days a week and expect DH who works five days a week to help with housework at weekends?.........
Why are you not better organised so that you can all enjoy your weekend?
It’s a partnership, you have different roles. If he is the main bread winner, try appreciating that.
If you split up nobody wins.

Some of the responses on this thread are utterly depressing.

God forbid that a woman should expect her husband to contribute to family life in some way (beyond his pay packet).

Would any of us be ok with our DH's playing with the kids for a couple of hours at the weekend & doing fuck all else?

When did voluntarily working longer hours preclude someone from emptying a dishwasher or doing a bit of homework with DC?

I'm not sure he'd agree that he's working such long hours 'voluntarily'. It's sounds to me like he has no choice in the matter.

And the OP has said that he spends his time with the children on weekends.

Of course he should do the odd bit of housework whatever, but not to the same extent as someone who works 2 days a week!