I want to stop resenting my husband for how much he works. But I can’t! What should I do?

[Pinkduckyellowduck]

I have three kids. My husband works from 7am in the morning until 8pm every night. I work two days a week. But I manage everything there is to do with the house and our kids during the week. He takes over on the weekend (playing with the kids, anyway - he doesn’t touch the cleaning or washing etc, and resents it when I ask him to). But I am sick and tired of feeling alone! I never signed up to be a housewife, but I am one.

He’s a great dad when he’s around. Lately, though, I actually hate him. He comes home and I can hardly look at him.

We’ve talked about how much I dislike our balance so many times. He always promises to do what he can to change things, but nothing ever, ever changes. I bother to talking to him about anything now. I KNOW he can’t help his working hours. That’s his job. It’s well-paid but we’re constantly on the edge of being broke and can’t afford for him to work less.

I’m just not sure where the joy is in our relationship. Two weeks ago, we got a babysitter and just bickered all evening. I don’t like him anymore and I don’t know why. I think it’s because he’s made me into a housewife - and I never wanted to be one. I buy everyone’s clothes, I cook all the food, I do all the cleaning and all the washing, I do the school runs, I do every single piece of life admin there is.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I have no one in real life to tell, I suppose. And maybe venting?! But hoping that someone has been through the same and come out the other side?!

I fantasise about leaving him, because if we split the custody of the kids 50/50, then he’d actually have to participate more than just playing with them during the weekend.

rwalker
It's just a bit tiresome for all concerned when you can't even string a coherent post together. What about if the female in this family didn't want, ask for or expect all the fucking domestic drudgery to fall on her shoulders? Op also works 2 days per week! She is not exclusively a sahp by choice.

How did you end up working 2 days? Is your earning capacity much less than his? Right before you first started part time were you paid substantially less than him?

I am the person who runs our house and does almost everything but we have a nanny and a cleaner. I work 4 days he works full time. He stays for the Nanny to arrive in morning, I get home in evening. 50/50 as to whether he is home by the time the kids go to bed in the evening. I don’t really mind he’s career driven and works hard to provide a good life going forwards for the kids. And has got himself in a position where his full time salary is double mine, so in all honesty I see that as his main contribution where mine is dealing with housey stuff.
My salary is good but in reality after I pay my pension and sharesave the rest only just covers the Nanny and cleaner.

She's not a sahp by choice but if, as she says, they're broke, unless she can work lucratively or earn as much as her DP, OP going back to work will sink them. I get that's not a choice but it's not her DP's fault either (unless there is missing information here).

In order to bargain for something better, you need to know what you want, not just what you don't want.

How many days do you want to work? What do you want to be your career and focus in life. You say you don't want to be a housewife - who do you want to be?

Just do it. Get a full time job, and hand him a schedule allocating the pick ups if that's what you want. Tell the school he'll be there. Give his mobile phone number and work number to things he should be handling and take yours off the list. Stop cleaning the house and see what happens. I sound extreme, but me and my husband divvy stuff up (despite his badass, long hours job) and sometimes, these are precisely the things I do, which he and I see as fair, because we allocate reasonably.

Don't be the person that fills the vacuum of all the 'bitty' family needs if you don't want to.

a MASSIVE thank you for point out the fact i'm mildly dyslectic and struggle with written skills. She said they can't afford for him to work less so they are stuck .My point if when my wife comes home after 8 to 8 12 hour shift and I asked here to clean ,iron and doing jobs she would tell me to fuck off .and when we are both off we share job and we shop online .

He chose to work those hours.

Thanks all! His official working hours are 9-5, but he manages a team and likes to be there before the first arrives or the last leaves. His commute is only 40 mins, but we’re London so it’s never easy to get under that.

I manage a team. I'm in before them because I work 8-4 and they are 9-5. I'm at school pick up 2 days a week, and work from home those days. A lot of men actually choose to put work ahead of family. I don't go and chase all the promotions by working all hours. Neither did DH. But we both want to be present for the family.

She's not a sahp by choice

Yes, I'm not sure about that. I suspect she is. She just doesn't like rhe reality of that choice. Unless deep religious reasons and accidental pregnancies, it's highly likely it was a choice she made,

Sorry my reply has taken so long!

We both earn pretty well, we just live in an expensive place - which is why, every month, we just make it financially. We could definitely move to a cheaper neighbourhood (i love my support networks here, though) - but I don’t earn enough to shift the work balance, even if we moved to a cheaper neighbourhood.

I could work more and get a cleaner! I am actually planning on taking a third day in September when one of my DC also starts school. (The youngest will be two in September and will take another day of childcare to support my extra workday.)

I love those suggestions of a hobby. In fact, this thread has spurred me on to organise to see my friends one evening next week! Something I never do!

I agree with those who said my DH chooses to stay at work longer than he needs to. He isn’t working that whole time, he sends me endless links during the day to articles on whatever. Being at work is all for show, to make him look better to his boss or something. Maybe I’m being unfair, but that’s what it feels like.

I think what I mostly want from him - well, I do want him to be around and do more - is to stop expecting me to get all the jobs done when he can take part, even when he’s not working. For example, if we go and stay with my family or something, I’ll pack for me and the kids. He just packs for himself.

And I want him to appreciate what I do for us all. I could probably appreciate him more, I know I don’t right now.

I think I’m finding our relationship a pretty lonely place to be. I want us to be happy to see each other and share stuff and have fun, but we don’t at all, ever. We did once, i feel so sad that it’s gone. And I know it’s because I’ve come to hate him.

I agree.. becoming a sahp doesn’t just happen to you. You make a choice.
The OP clearly hates being a domestic drudge. But she could work more and pay for a lot of extra help with housework.
That’s what many people do! Then the time both parents are there is time for the kids.. and there’s far less resentment

Sorry, just seen your update OP.
Have you suggested to him that you go for counselling? If you’re hating him it’s time for action?

You’re right oly5 - I really dislike the drudgery! Right now, we can’t afford a cleaner. But when I take an extra work day in September, I think we can. (I’ll be paying for one less child’s childcare as one of my DC starts school. I currently work two days a week and pay for two kids’ childcare with that - which is expensive! It’s like my job is a hobby! Childcare wipes out what I earn!)

I’m not sure how well he’d respond to counselling. But maybe a third party being involved may make him hear how bad things are between us? Maybe he feels the same? I literally have no idea how he feels. He may be miserable too, for all I know!

If you're not happy then go back to work full time too. I doubt he forced you to go down to two days and of course you should pick up the household stuff whilst he's at work. He should help at the weekend as you are both not working then.

Do you actually hate him OP? That’s quite a thing to say about someone you have married and have 3 young DC with. I don’t see how you could possibly continue to live with him if that’s the case?

It’s presenteeism. He chooses to be at work for longer than his working hours, whether because he feels pressured to or (more likely) he’s got into the habit, knows he can procrastinate a bit during the day, and probably would rather spend an extra hour in the office faffing on the computer than come home and do the grunt work of putting DC to bed.

If he had the responsibility of having to be somewhere to pick up DC (like many working mothers) he’d have to be more productive in his working hours and leave on time. It’s working cultures like this that give working parents who actually have to take responsibility for their children (ie single parents or parents who both work and share childcare responsibility) a bad name.

My ex was like this. Now we are divorced and I work full time but I leave every day at 5 to pick up the DC. He gets to work all the hours he likes but now every other weekend he is sole parent. Strangely he manages it!

Your DH needs to step up and be responsible for his DC and household chores, and you need to stop enabling him. So what if he works long hours- does he think that single people who work long hours don’t cook dinner/ do their own laundry etc? Why should you do everything for him?

You've got 3 kids under 6 - he's staying late at work ( playing solitaire or listening to.music) as it's easier than the evening nightmare with young DC - not ok

I honestly can't see how the working week is unfair. MN advice is always that you should have the same number of hours of downtime. Even accounting for working two days, three days of 7am-8pm must surely cover all household jobs?

When I had a similar set up I got everything done during the week so neither of us had to do anything except play with the kids on the weekend.

But if you just hate it, just hate the drudgery and the fact that you're unappreciated, well I can identify with that too but think there are only three options - leave him, convince him to change or make it more palatable by hiring help, carving out time for hobbies and working more hours outside the home.

Honestly this argument between the working parent and the sahp is nothing new. I can remember my parents having it, I can remember my grandparents having it. He thinks you've got a pretty sweet deal at home, imagines you lounging around and watching daytime telly while you're jealous that he's having grown up conversations and boozy lunches. You're probably both wrong. If you love each other it should be possible to see each other's pov surely.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn - I’m unhappy that he doesn’t share it more (and I mean both the really great things and the really mundane things). I don’t want to see the kids drastically less and work full time myself. (Definitely want to do less housework, though, it’s the pits.) I suppose I wanted DH and I to raise them together, not have a 1970s “Dad works, mum does the house” relationship.

cakecrumbs - you’re right, it’s an awful thing to say about someone I’m married to and have children with. I sometimes really do hate him. Sometimes not, i guess. We’re not in a good place, anyway!

But thank you, all, for your advice! I have a lot to think about! I don’t want to be so moanie!

I totally get it OP, I feel exactly the same way about my husband right now while
I’m on mat leave. I don’t know whether there’s anything you can do to change your DH, I know I’ve not succeeded with mine. My DH is exceptionally career minded and just frustratingly ignorant to how shit it is being the one stuck at home with responsibility for all the housework and childcare. No amount of hinting, explaining or shouting my head off has changed his position on this. The only thing that works for me is frankly to be utterly selfish, do what I want and force him to pick up the slack. In my case this was me going back to work full time, as I enjoy my job. We also pay out for a lot of help with childcare, cleaning, ironing, gardening etc. This is not easy for us financially but I just refuse to pick it all up myself, and I know he won’t.

My DH leaves at 7am and returns at 8pm most days. He briefly sees DC before bed and reads a story. Then he has a meal and it's after 9pm and too late to do anything but watch tv or surf the net. He never cooks or washes up. He hasn't washed, ironed or put away a single item of his own clothing in several years. At weekends he has some rest time and does house stuff like mowing the lawn and looks after DC for a few hours. I am incredibly resentful and would happily swap except I couldn't match his salary. Imo it's much easier to be in an adult environment all day and only be responsible for yourself, even if you do have to work hard. At least it's interesting and you get career recognition and reward. Being at home doing drudge work and looking after DC is mind numbing and unrewarding in the sense that the world at large doesn't know, care or value your contribution. DH has received awards for his work and is an authority in his field, while I'm basically invisible.

I didn't want to be a housewife. But DH earns more and his job requires those hours. The option for him to work less is simply not available - either he works all the hours or he quits and has no job. So the only option is for me to pick up the slack at home. I hate it but like OP I can't see any way out?

murane It doesn't have to be that way. DH has a high income and works crazy hours. DD1 will be 7 in July. In these years I worked extremely hard and went after promotions. I am now making a good income, plenty enough to support my family on my own if I needed to. During these last 7 years I barely contributed anything to the bottom line after childcare was paid for. We also don't have a cleaner and our sitter doesn't do any cleaning as her hours are PT.

lulu I know exactly what you mean. DH has been put in his place more than once. Even now he will stomp in and I send him back out and tell him to stomp the block with the dog and come back when he is human.

I just don't tolerate excuses or bullshit. Working FT and being out of the home for 70 hours a week still gives you plenty of time to get up to 20 hours of chores done over the week. If you take mass transit to get to work that time can efficiently utilized doing family related work.

pink You hate your DH because you made the wrong choice and he is happy to let you wallow because the alternative means he has to do housework. He is lazy and you need to give him a kick up the arse.

Right now the sink is full of dirty dishes and the dishwasher is full of clean stuff. I've done my share of housework and DH has been told he needs to empty out the dishwasher and do the dirty dishes tonight. If it's not done the kids can't have breakfast in the morning and I will take them for breakfast. I'm not doing the dishes.

Yes my DH has a very high earning, prestigious and demanding job. Great. If he can keep a job that is so demanding he can also do a simple task like doing the dishes.

My DH is out of the house from around 8am often until 10pm at night. I see his hard work as an investment in our financial future. He doesn't do anything much around the house during the week because he is out of the house for pretty much all of every day. He'll pop the dishwasher on or put the bins out but that's it. I just don't see that it's fair to ask him to do more than that! At the moment, I'm home all week on maternity leave but usually I work 4 days a week 8am to 6:30pm so I have more time than dh to get stuff done at home.
Weekends everything is split 50:50.

If things were to change drastically, we would need to totally change our lives and that would need to be a big joint decision about rebalancing everything. Sounds like OP might need to have that conversation with her dp if the current set up is making her hate him!

The truth is, with DC the age of the OP's, if you want to both work full-time in demanding careers then you need to have ironclad childcare options with lots of back-up and a partner who does his fair share of drop-offs, pick-ups, sick days etc. Daycare only covers 8-6pm (where I live at least) and good nannies are hard to find and cost a lot of money that might not be in the OP's budget (since she says they are strapped for cash).

It's certainly do-able and plenty of couples manage it but you need a partner who is on board with it and who does his fair share. It doesn't sound like the OP's husband is prepared to take on his fair share of the household work at all so there is no point saying simplistically to her 'just go back to work full-time'. It's extremely hard to do that with a lazy DH who doesn't pull his weight at home. That's exactly her problem! If her DH were prepared to take on his fair share, she wouldn't be in this predicament and probably wouldn't need to keep her working hours reduced to 2 days per week in the first place.

OP I think the financial situation needs looking at. Are you really on the brink all the time? If so why is that? What's your version of being broke? I ask this because I know lots of people for whom broke means not being able to afford holidays rather than not being able to afford to pay their mortgage.

For a time we both worked full time, had insanely high outgoings for childcare and were almost at a loss every month. It was worth it for my career though as I was building and I now make a lot more and I'd describe us as quite comfortable (although madly ambitious DH might say otherwise!)

So my main points are:

would it be worth it/possible for you to work more for career building and be quite broke for a bit? Both for a better feeling of equality and better future finances?

Is there an option of him working less if you readdressed your situation? A lot of parents I know now both are working three or four day weeks. They could work more and be richer but they choose not to, live in quite small flats, don't go on holiday etc. I realise this is a luxury that might not be possible (we couldn't afford it unless we made some absolutely huge changes). But your situation sounds extreme and like you need to take action in some way. Sell up and move to the seaside? Have a small mortgage, both have lower key jobs with less hours? That's my DH's answer to everything (you couldn't drag me away from London )