How judgmental would you be of this relationship set up?

[FuckTheSphere]

So DP and I have this really good friend. There was a period of time where DP and I were separated (for a year or so, over 10 years ago), I dated this friend. Set up by DP. We had a brief, extremely intense and passionate relationship.

Once DP and I got back together, he remained a friend to both of us. The three of us hung out together a lot. I mean we spent so much time hanging out and laughing just the three of us.

We kind of drifted apart but have all met up again recently, and the three of us had a great laugh.

DP and this friend were extremely close. They have bonded so much. They have frequently shared a bed, at first they top and tailed, then eventually they would just snuggle up in bed together. If they had to share the same bed for whatever reason they'd always end up spooning. I don't think there was anything sexual there (though I wouldn't mind if there was), they just deeply loved one another as friends and were very comfortable holding one another. They understand each other on a level that I never will, they have been so close, so supportive of one another.

So my DP is amazing. But he's emotionally imited. He is really not good with the emotional stuff, not with me anyway. We have fantastic sex but unfortunately not that often, he's on important, life-saving medication that wrecks his libido

Friend is good with the emotional stuff. He and I have been through similar awful emotional pain. So we're good at talking about it together. He's also great at sex, when we've done that together it's been amazing.

Friend is looking for a new place to live at the moment, hating the flat share he's in. We have a spare room. Would it be totally ludicrous for him to move into our spare room?

He and DP would look out for one another, and the three of us could have a great time. DP would love having a close friend around. I'd have someone to talk to, and DP would be relieved that he wouldn't have to listen to me. Okay, the unusual bit is that I could have sex with either of them. But if they're both okay with that, then why not? Friend has made it clear that he'd be interested in he and I having sex. DP, I think, will be okay with that too.

I know people will be extremely judgmental. So I guess I'm using this thread as a trial to see how much people would judge us... How much would you?

But then, as far as anyone is concerned, he'll just be a housemate. No reason for anyone to know any more than that!

No one else's business. Why would anyone need to know you were sleeping with both men?

Lots of potential for things to go horribly wrong though! Jealousy, possessiveness etc

I think Mumsnet should start a special threesome forum. This is the third, (or fourth) thread I've seen this half term.

Sorry no input in your situation, whatever suits you.

I wouldn’t ‘judge’ you exactly, I’d think it a bit odd and it wouldn’t suit me but as it doesn’t affect me I’d just say ‘crack on’.

Assuming no children involved of course - it could be confusing for them if there were.

I think it’s weird that after you had a realtionship shagging this person In the year away from your dp, and you’ve all stayed friends tbh

Your dp sharing a bed with this friend is also weird I mean come on spooning wtf?

Let him move in then all 3 of you can shag in some weird little set up?

Sounds to me like you want your dp but also want the emotional side with this “friend”

It doesn’t really matter what I or anyone else thinks, if it floats your boat

I honestly have no interest in how other people conduct their relationships. I do think you sound a bit heightened and over excited about it yourself though...

Why would anyone have to know?

You do realise, that the friend would be fucking you both?

No straight man spoons, snuggles and gets held in bed by a male friend.

HTH.

No judgment here.

It’s like the story line from hollyoaks with Nancy, Ravi and Kris

Don't see why anyone would need to know? He's just a lodger to the outside word, unless you feel the compulsion to tell everyone you all live in a menage a trois.

They're sex people Lynn.

Are you sure your dp isn't bi sexual? In fact are you sure the friend isn't bisexual also?

I wouldn't judge, like others have said, whatever works for all of you but you would need to make sure you all have firm boundaries or it could get messy.

Personally, it would be the last thing I'd ever consider but everyone is different.

Honestly, I think it's a bit weird, but each to their own. Asking as you're happy and it's not affecting anybody else/there's no DC involved then on you go!

3sums and you might even get to watch OP

'No straight man spoons, snuggles and gets held in bed by a male friend. '

I have to agree. I've slept in bed with female friends, but, being hetero, nope, no spooning or snuggling.

**as long as

Well no-one would, Sandy. Except that my family are very intrusve and tend to like popping round all the bloody time.

Lemony, I've been on here for like a decade. Your 'half term' mention obviously suggests that you think I'm a teenager trolling. I'm not. But I'm not going to spend ages trying to convince you of that. You either take threads on here at face value or not. And just to be clear, I have absolutely no interest in discussing threesomes with random people online. None at all.

Where does OP say they're a woman?

But that's what you're talking about and it'll be more action between the 2 of them, that's why you've posted. Nice cosy set up with the men with you getting thrown the scraps while convincing yourself it'll be a nice set up for you

Straight men spooning in bed...

Okaaaayy then

. And just to be clear, I have absolutely no interest in discussing threesomes with random people online. None at all.

And yet you're on MN you're doing exactly that.

I think it warrants a serious and honest conversation with your DP. If he us 110% okay. Then I'd say yes. But I think the conversation needs to be had and no pressure on him. If he feels pushed into it (lack of libido) it could be very damaging to your relationship.

I'd also ask DP to be honest, if it ever came to a point that he was no longer happy with the arrangement. To tell you. Would you at this point be happy to stop? And go back to just DP. And less sex??

I wouldn't judge you at all, or particularly care; but my own relationships are pretty unconventional. I think many other people would judge you as being anything from unusual to disgusting. But how is anyone going to know? Surely to anybody but your close friends (whose reactions you'll be able to anticipate I assume) he's just a good friend who is also your lodger. Nothing to question about that.

Your priority is to talk honestly to your DP about how he really feels about you and your friend potentially having sex. Do it now, rather than vaguely hoping that he will be ok with it. You have to be completely honest.