How judgmental would you be of this relationship set up?

[FuckTheSphere]

So DP and I have this really good friend. There was a period of time where DP and I were separated (for a year or so, over 10 years ago), I dated this friend. Set up by DP. We had a brief, extremely intense and passionate relationship.

Once DP and I got back together, he remained a friend to both of us. The three of us hung out together a lot. I mean we spent so much time hanging out and laughing just the three of us.

We kind of drifted apart but have all met up again recently, and the three of us had a great laugh.

DP and this friend were extremely close. They have bonded so much. They have frequently shared a bed, at first they top and tailed, then eventually they would just snuggle up in bed together. If they had to share the same bed for whatever reason they'd always end up spooning. I don't think there was anything sexual there (though I wouldn't mind if there was), they just deeply loved one another as friends and were very comfortable holding one another. They understand each other on a level that I never will, they have been so close, so supportive of one another.

So my DP is amazing. But he's emotionally imited. He is really not good with the emotional stuff, not with me anyway. We have fantastic sex but unfortunately not that often, he's on important, life-saving medication that wrecks his libido

Friend is good with the emotional stuff. He and I have been through similar awful emotional pain. So we're good at talking about it together. He's also great at sex, when we've done that together it's been amazing.

Friend is looking for a new place to live at the moment, hating the flat share he's in. We have a spare room. Would it be totally ludicrous for him to move into our spare room?

He and DP would look out for one another, and the three of us could have a great time. DP would love having a close friend around. I'd have someone to talk to, and DP would be relieved that he wouldn't have to listen to me. Okay, the unusual bit is that I could have sex with either of them. But if they're both okay with that, then why not? Friend has made it clear that he'd be interested in he and I having sex. DP, I think, will be okay with that too.

I know people will be extremely judgmental. So I guess I'm using this thread as a trial to see how much people would judge us... How much would you?

Yes, I would judge you

Just here to agree with @AgentProvocateur and @RaininSummer - if everyone agrees and is on the same page, it's nobody else's business. We all have our personal boats floated in different ways and I can't judge as I had some very odd relationships when I was younger.

'Even the most secure of men, would not stay close friends with a man who had been shagging his wife then share a bed with him!'

Unless he's shagging him, too. Could be the sex isn't happening often between the OP and her partner (or the emotional bit) because the man is gay.

Sounds win win to me!

Really positive, supportive and fun.

As long as all 3 of you agree, then why not? It's certainly unusual, but really no-one else's business but yours.

Some people will judge you both because they're concerned and because they're not comfortable with the unusual. Why not do it on a trial basis to see how it goes?

ParellelReality, because I've been to hell and back and I'm trying to make decisions as I already explained. I probably shouldn't have asked this on here but I'm certainly not going to try and justify myself.

Newsofas, maybe they are Bi. They haven't seen each other in over 6 months though, so I'm pretty sure they haven't been having a relationship. I'm still gobsmacked that people think that affection between two men must equal a sexual relationship. I have another friend who says 'i love you' in his own language, every time he speaks to my DP. Does that also mean that they are lovers? Of course not!!!!

PeanutButterSquash, thank you so much for your advice.

MrsElijahMikaelson, you can bet away. This is not fake. I apologise if my life isn't up to your standards, or If you find it unbelivable. It's true though. But I'm not going to keep defending myself. Everything I have said is true. You can decide whether to believe it or not. If you don't, fine, you don't have to weigh in.

Sounds good to me!

Ii wouldn't judge, but I think you may have to accept that over time you become the 'third wheel' in their relationship.

I think that when people think they're having their cake and eating it, they're usually only having half a cake.

If your boyfriend is emotionally stunted, find a different one.

i think you should go for it. your parents can't talk given they both had affairs. if they ask questions, don't answer.

i wouldn't judge you, if you can all handle it and are happy, i don't see the problem. in fact i know someone who lives with his gf and her ex. they all get along very well and no-one knows if they're bonking and no-one cares.

I wouldn't want to, but the reality is that I'd judge you so hard I'd probably sprain something. Although a lot would depend on how I found out and how "out there" it all was. I'd probably feel different if I didn't have children and my friends didn't spend quite a lot of time with my kids.

Absolutely nothing wrong with polyamorous relationships as long as everyone is happy with the set up and you communicate constantly.

I would actually be open about it with your friends and family though. The person who isn't mentioned to family will feel like an outsider who doesn't fit in. If it is a fair and equal relationship between all three of you - each person deserves equal weighting among friends and family. Each is as important as the other.

As long as you are all honest with each other and on the same page, then why not?

I'm a bit confused. Your partner is emotionally not good (at least not with you) and the sex is rare because his essential medicine limits his libido. So you're not getting enough sex or emotional connection with your partner at at point in your life you say is hellish.

Into this you want to introduce a man who is fantastic in bed and a great emotional support. For you. I'm sorry, but I think this is a recipe for very bad juju for your partner, who would have to be a miracle of self-confidence not to feel a bit eclipsed, a bit undermined by HIS OWN WIFE AND BESTIE. Are you sure that the hell you've been through and are attempting to move on with is not some fault line in your primary relationship? Are you not trying, in best BoJo manner, to have your cake and eat it?

Look, I'm sure history is littered with examples of very successful arrangements, but I"m also certain that the people who enjoyed them had absolutely no neurosis or self-doubt. And that, dear OP, is not you, as evidenced by you consulting a bunch of internet strangers about whether this would be OK, and what would people think, and ooh, my family need to know everything, and ooh, that would make it tricky. Nah, this has got disaster written all over it. It's not for you, though it might work very well for others.

This is an actual thing... a 3 way relationship, normally when something is lacking in a partnership they will bring in a 3rd that fills the gap for both of the other people.

Its interesting how it would actually work but i think if it works for you then go ahead

mmm

Each to their own.

I wouldn't judge. Has potential potential to blow up like a tinderbox though.

High chance at least one of the other men are shagging someone else too and the idea of double dipping is too unsavoury for me.

I have just one question. Who will be doing all the shitwork ?

TheGirlWithAPrince, that's what we're kind of hopping for.

AF, all of us. Housework would be very much shared!

Having dabbled in polyamory myself in the past I wouldn’t judge but it’s an utter minefield of emotional control (of yourself). Well it was for me, I’m in a monogamous relationship now.

Have a look at this site if you’re new to the concept.

I once read on here (MN) that polyamory was usually an excuse for a guy to fuck as many people as he liked and no one was allowed to complain. It’s far more complicated than that but essentially it’s true, but works both ways. You’re the winner in your scenario 😉

I think it's pretty odd that you don't think they're bi and that you think another male friend saying I love you to your dp is part of your evidence why he's not bi . But whatever.

Given you're all adults and all know what the score is, knock yourselves out. I wouldn't be open about it outside of the 3 of you, however, and if your family burst in unannouced, you need a chain on your door.

My view is that you currently think that all the fun is going to be had by you, as you are going to get great sex and have your current partner as well.

I think it's at least as likely that these two men, who have a history of a very close relationship including cuddling up in bed, might also form an intense, possibly sexual relationship- I mean why not? If they are happy cuddling and spooning in one bed, it seems quite natural.

Even if they are both as straight as a die, then you would have to be fine with coming in from work and finding them spooning in bed together having an emotionally (if not sexually) intimate time.

If you don't think you fancy that nearly as much as the first scenario in which they are basically mates, disinterested in each other, but both shagging you, I don't think this is going to work.

You aren't going to be able to control this once he moves in.

'You’re the winner in your scenario 😉'

From the sounds of it, they will all be having sex with one another. I don't for a minute think her DP and the mate are just canoodling in bed together.

And keep in mind the possibility that the two men will decide that they prefer having a gay relationship with each other exclusively.

DP, I think, will be okay with that too

There’s the rub.

His DP fucking his BFF because medication for a potentially life threatening condition affects his sex drive?

He’d have to be superhuman not to be affected by that.

He may think hypothetically he would be fine with it, but will he be when it comes to it?