How judgmental would you be of this relationship set up?

[FuckTheSphere]

So DP and I have this really good friend. There was a period of time where DP and I were separated (for a year or so, over 10 years ago), I dated this friend. Set up by DP. We had a brief, extremely intense and passionate relationship.

Once DP and I got back together, he remained a friend to both of us. The three of us hung out together a lot. I mean we spent so much time hanging out and laughing just the three of us.

We kind of drifted apart but have all met up again recently, and the three of us had a great laugh.

DP and this friend were extremely close. They have bonded so much. They have frequently shared a bed, at first they top and tailed, then eventually they would just snuggle up in bed together. If they had to share the same bed for whatever reason they'd always end up spooning. I don't think there was anything sexual there (though I wouldn't mind if there was), they just deeply loved one another as friends and were very comfortable holding one another. They understand each other on a level that I never will, they have been so close, so supportive of one another.

So my DP is amazing. But he's emotionally imited. He is really not good with the emotional stuff, not with me anyway. We have fantastic sex but unfortunately not that often, he's on important, life-saving medication that wrecks his libido

Friend is good with the emotional stuff. He and I have been through similar awful emotional pain. So we're good at talking about it together. He's also great at sex, when we've done that together it's been amazing.

Friend is looking for a new place to live at the moment, hating the flat share he's in. We have a spare room. Would it be totally ludicrous for him to move into our spare room?

He and DP would look out for one another, and the three of us could have a great time. DP would love having a close friend around. I'd have someone to talk to, and DP would be relieved that he wouldn't have to listen to me. Okay, the unusual bit is that I could have sex with either of them. But if they're both okay with that, then why not? Friend has made it clear that he'd be interested in he and I having sex. DP, I think, will be okay with that too.

I know people will be extremely judgmental. So I guess I'm using this thread as a trial to see how much people would judge us... How much would you?

Okay, having googled, I'm going to be cynical and assume it's a piss take. Have a laugh by all means. But when someone literally says that they're broken and a wreck, it's a little bit cruel to take the piss out of them. Still, if it gave you a laugh, good for you.

Okay, I'm so sorry, I interpreted that completely incorrectly. I'm so, so sorry. Feeling a bit under attack at the moment. And probably a bit on the defensive. Again, apologies.

I don't mean to patronise but If you're broken and a "wreck" I'd urge you to reconsider a relationship like this. I really think both you and dp would have to be at your strongest for this to have a chance at working.
Take care

I’m really not taking the piss. I am a camera is the play and Goodbye to Berlin is the book (my mistake). The book is autobiographical from the point of view of one of the men (the emotionally limited one). Some of the experiences and emotions conveyed from a different position in the triangle might help you get some perspective. A friend recommended that I read “The End of the Affair” and some Haruki Murakami books after I had a bad break-up the first time I had a relationship with a woman. And it did help.

That's okay, Chicken, I don't think your post was patronising. I'm making bad decisions at the moment. That I know. I'm just in a place where the bad decisions feel good, if you know what I mean?

Well, that person now identifies as a trans man, although they identified as a lesbian when we were together.

Having just RTFT, I thought the majority of posts were supportive. You seem to be interpreting it more negatively. I wonder if your headspace is really in a good place for more emotional complexity? Be kind to yourself, eh? Best of luck.

LapsedHumanist, I love Haruki Murakami. I've read almost everything by him (IQ84 has been sitting on my bookcase unread for ages as I haven't had the attention span for it recently). The Wind Up Bird Chronicle is my favourite novel ever. And Dance, Dance, Dance is just... Magical.

I’m sure I’ve said that wrong. A man who is attracted to gay men, straight women and femme lesbians.

Have you read “South if the Border, West of the Sun”? Some of the relationship dynamics in that might be helpful in exploring your feelings.

If you’re in a place where some of the bad decisions feel good, it might be helpful to explore some of the bad decisions via literature, so you don’t have to deal with the messiness that comes with pursuing those decisions in real life. At least until you work out what feels good in them, and whether you are trying to tell yourself something important about your future.

Murakami does explore the same dynamic of list live in a friendship triad a lot in his books, from the perspective of an introverted man.

Thanks Betty. You're probably correct. There definitely have been supportive posts. I might be focusing on the negative ones. I've been very negative lately. I've been recently diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. Which I have always had, I think. Just the diagnosis is new. And DP has said that he's concerned that I'm becoming paranoid. Maybe I need more help than I'm currently getting.

Thank you. I'll try to be kind to myself. I'm not so good at that but I do need to try.

Julian Barnes also did some things you might find illuminating. Talking it over, and Love Etc concern a love triangle (two men and a woman, the men are childhood friends rather than lovers). A History of Love in 10 1/2 Chapters might be some light relief for you.

That was my second ever Murakami, LapsedHumanist. My first was Sputnik Sweetheart.

Thank you so much. What you say makes a lot of sense.

Life would be so much easier if I wasn't so badly fucking broken.

Ah! My first was “South..” and my second was Sputnik.

Have you read After the Quake? I love the story with the Frog.

There is something about reading Magical Realism when one is feeling broken and fragmented.

Perhaps it is that there are other ways of conceptualising life, and that what seems broken and fragmented is just the reordering I’d experience into a narrative that creates greater harmony and poetry from an emotional and spiritual perspective than the usual confines of temporally and corporally grounded existence generally admit.

I must re-read One Hundred Years of Solitude and Tge Famished Road.

That’s a long way of saying, you’re not broken. You’re just trying to fit the different parts of yourself together in a new way.

The details of your situation wouldn't interest me, I would just wonder why you told me and I would probably only judge you for sharing this info with me. I would see that as attention seeking and dramatic.

If all I knew was that you have a lodger who is a good friend then I wouldn't give it any further thought.

Following on from Murakami, maybe considering the practice of “Kintsukuroi” might help?

(Apologies if you know this already), it’s the Japanese habit of mending broken things with gold...

[http://www.becomingwhoyouare.net/japanese-pottery-can-teach-us-feeling-flawed/ Article about what Japanese pottery can teach us about feeling flawed]

To give you a flavour, the opening quote is

“Ring the bells that can still ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That is how the light gets in.”

Leonard Cohen

I'm just about to pick up Dance, Dance, Dance again. It really soothes me. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Yes, Sputnik Sweetheart had a huge effect on me. It also changed me, and awakened me as to my true sexuality. I'd denied that I was Bi for years and it helped me get through that.

Yes, you're right. I have just realised that I always turn to Murakami when I'm feeling broken and beat down. In fact, during one of those periods, that was when I first started reading him.

I'm not as equipped to discuss his novels as you (clearly, you're far more well read, thoughtful, and eloquent than me ) but I will say that I think you're on to something re "what seems broken and fragmented is just the reordering I’d experience into a narrative that creates greater harmony and poetry from an emotional and spiritual perspective". In fact that's almost the whole premise of Dance, Dance, Dance, and the whole reason for the Dolphin Hotel.

This is fantastic, by the way. I literally know no-one else who has read Murakami.

Have you read Underground?

Oops, link fail

Article about what Japanese Pottery can teach us about feeling flawed

LapsedHumanist, if you haven't already read any, may I also suggest Ryu Murakami? Piercing is particularly excellent.

Wow. Thank you. And Leonard Cohen has got me through some particularly dark times. I'm on the verge of asking you to move in with us

Thanks, MayLeave. No I would keep the information private in so far as possible. I see what you mean re attention seeking. That is definitely no me though.

I have! It’s such a brilliant investigation into such. Murakami sees so well into the darkness, without becoming dark himself. It shows the clarity and light in his mind.

It reminded me a lot of “ATrain of Powder” by Rebecca West (deals with the Nuremberg Trials, amongst other things).

She has that same rational clarity that sheds calm, patient human insight into terrible events. Some of her short stories in the nature of live and human relationships are also very powerful. Same penetrating intellect at work.

I’m not well read, but thank you for saying ☺️. I was once, but I’m not now.

I haven’t read any Ryu Murakami, but I’ve been looking for an entry point into reading proper books again, so I might explore that. Thank you.