How judgmental would you be of this relationship set up?

[FuckTheSphere]

So DP and I have this really good friend. There was a period of time where DP and I were separated (for a year or so, over 10 years ago), I dated this friend. Set up by DP. We had a brief, extremely intense and passionate relationship.

Once DP and I got back together, he remained a friend to both of us. The three of us hung out together a lot. I mean we spent so much time hanging out and laughing just the three of us.

We kind of drifted apart but have all met up again recently, and the three of us had a great laugh.

DP and this friend were extremely close. They have bonded so much. They have frequently shared a bed, at first they top and tailed, then eventually they would just snuggle up in bed together. If they had to share the same bed for whatever reason they'd always end up spooning. I don't think there was anything sexual there (though I wouldn't mind if there was), they just deeply loved one another as friends and were very comfortable holding one another. They understand each other on a level that I never will, they have been so close, so supportive of one another.

So my DP is amazing. But he's emotionally imited. He is really not good with the emotional stuff, not with me anyway. We have fantastic sex but unfortunately not that often, he's on important, life-saving medication that wrecks his libido

Friend is good with the emotional stuff. He and I have been through similar awful emotional pain. So we're good at talking about it together. He's also great at sex, when we've done that together it's been amazing.

Friend is looking for a new place to live at the moment, hating the flat share he's in. We have a spare room. Would it be totally ludicrous for him to move into our spare room?

He and DP would look out for one another, and the three of us could have a great time. DP would love having a close friend around. I'd have someone to talk to, and DP would be relieved that he wouldn't have to listen to me. Okay, the unusual bit is that I could have sex with either of them. But if they're both okay with that, then why not? Friend has made it clear that he'd be interested in he and I having sex. DP, I think, will be okay with that too.

I know people will be extremely judgmental. So I guess I'm using this thread as a trial to see how much people would judge us... How much would you?

Personally, I know of no straight men who sleep together, cuddle up and spoon.

For me, this is the key comment *”Friend has made it clear that he'd be interested in he and I having sex. DP, I think, will be okay with that too.”

That suggests this is a plan that’s been hatched between you and the friend. Regardless of how your dp reacts to it, the fact is this shift in dynamics was discussed and planned without his input.

Shitty, disloyal behaviour from the pair of you. Are you both setting him up as some sort of cuckold?

If you are having a really shitty time in your life then adding more complexity and potential for emotional difficulties is probably not a great idea....the timimg just doesnt suit... try and find a way of dealing with whatever shit is going on first... You dont have to offer this room to this friend....just because they dont like their houseshare...
Look after yourself.....If you are not happy with your relationship woth your DP then change it....don't add things or try and sticky plaster it...
You sound sad and burdened - adding more worries to your load won't help that....

Sounds good to me. HOWEVER there would need to be almost extreme honesty between the three of you. This may be v hard to do for your DP who isn't emotionally sophisticated (or at least his emotional expression isn't). Also and understanding that any one of you can stop the situation at any moment. The friend needs to have the freedom to leave in that case. I'd want that to be a formal thing, so something like a fund set up with enough money for him to move out in a heartbeat if he needs to. Into a separate bank account. Maybe you all contribute or maybe there's an agreement that any rent/household contribution he pays you would go into that for the first X months.

Does it matter to you if they're bi? I didn't get the impression it did.
Basically you need:

1. Extremely good three-way open communication
2. Friend to be entirely free to leave
3. You no problem with them being bi
4. All financial arrangements clear (just thought if that).

With those in place I think you could be very happy - and satisfied!

Your choice, if it suits all of you go for it

Trust me, both the men are bisexual. I have close male friends. We don't spoon.

Well no-one would, Sandy. Except that my family are very intrusve and tend to like popping round all the bloody time.
So buy secure locks assume make sure the house is locked if you're having sex, actually of you're in the house at all.

also agree no way are they both straight. Maybe they've need taken it further bit I don't know any straight men - ascend I know lots with very few boundaries, very open sexual ideas etc ergo would spoon with another man (naked??) for anything other than a momentary laugh

In circles where gender roles aren't taken too seriously, it's not uncommon for men to be ok with cuddling each other. Folk who say it's impossible etc are typically fairly sheltered, but will protest that everyone is just as sheltered as them and if they aren't they're omgsoweird.

In any event, if they do have a sexual relationship, who cares, honestly. It only matters if someone gives a fuck. I certainly wouldn't.

Op, do whatever you want. Just be honest with each other, and equally don't delude yourself that honesty alone will make an unconventional relationship free of fuckery. I wouldn't judge you but I'd wish you luck because non monogamy is minefield.

I will also gently suggest that if your partner is emotionally closed off AND sexually inactive, your relationship may not last much longer anyway. It's also ok to walk away x

If the friend is so emotionally and sexually brilliant why aren't you with him? And I think it's weird that your DP set you up with his best friend. I've always been happy when my exes have moved on but it would never occur to me to set them up with a close friend. If it happened I'd accept it but I wouldn't choose it .

I am affectionate and cuddly with my friends and have shared beds with them but never spooned! And I can't see any straight man doing that. Sharing a bed maybe or even spooning whilst asleep but not deliberately.

In my honest opinion your DP is gay and his friend is bi. This is a way for your DP to have him in his life.

If your boyfriend is emotionally stunted, find a different one.

^ this

Go for it OP, we’ve all done it

More people are starting to explore poly relationships these days, it's a great relationship model as long as everyone is honest and open and on the same page (easier said than done though).

If the 3 of you are genuinely ok with it then crack on.

Honestly? I'd think you all a bit odd, and no, straight men do not cuddle and spoon in bed. I don't believe for one moment you think that is any way the norm.

On saying that though, you need to live your life as you see fit.

In my honest opinion your DP is gay and his friend is bi. This is a way for your DP to have him in his life

That's my assumption.

You would need to be very open and honest between the three of you to ensure no-one gets hurt. You'd also need everyone to be clear of groundrules.
Honestly, if everyone is completely clear as to the set up I really don't see how it's anyone else's business.

We have plenty of male posters on MN.

Could any of the straight ones tell us if cuddling and spooning your mates in bed is something you might do.

Mine, too, Bluntness, hence why he can share so much emotion with his friend, but not his OH.

If you're okay with that, OP, then fair enough. But there needs to be some real honesty before going there, among all of you.

I'm curious about how you know about them cuddling and spooning. Why are they sharing a bed, and where are you when this happens. How do you know? Do you witness the spooning and cuddling or has your partner told you that's what they do?

It sounds like your friend ticks all your relationships boxes, which means he isn’t supplementing your current relationship, he’s replacing it. Despite your shared history, what your suggesting is a massive change in dynamics. Would you feel comfortable if your current partner and potential partner #2 became physical?

If you are seriously concerned about people making judgements (and they most certainly will) about your potential new set up, then it really doesn’t sound like it’s for you. In addition, why are you even contemplating involving yourself in a complex relationship dynamic if emotionally you’re recovering from being to hell and back? I think if you are serious about having a relationship with both men, then you should trial it while potential partner #2 lives elsewhere.

So thank you for all the posts. I appreciate them all, even the harsh ones, and the disbelieving ones. They have all given me food for thought.

I'd just like to clarify - I'm honestly not a troll. Of course, trolls always say that so I'm sure that some people won't believe me. That's okay. My life has been complicated lately. Stuff happens and life isn't always straightforward for all of us and that's okay too. And I understand if people find what I have posted weird, or distasteful, or whatever.

I would ask people to bear in mind that there is (usually) a real person trying to deal with a real situation behind these posts. Harsh words are fine, appreciated even, they help give a dose of reality. Being mocked however is really upsetting, and I've found out that I'm being mocked on Reddit, which was really upsetting.

I've been through such a tough time and I'm trying to cope as best as I can. That's all.

I'd asked MNHQ to delete this thread as I was worried about it being shared elsewhere online. They asked that I explain that on here as to just delete it might lead to additional threads asking about the deletion, so fuck it, I'll leave it.

But I do just want to remind people that there are real people behind these threads that some of you find so hilarious. I have literally never been accused of trolling before so that was a bit of a kick in the teeth. And sometimes the real people behind them are lost, or a bit broken, or damaged. And a bit of kindness can't hurt. Again, thanks all for your comments.

AgentJohnson, thank you so much. Everything you have said makes perfect sense. I'm really going to ruminate on it. I definitely don't want to replace my current relationship. He really is wonderful.

And yes, maybe after everything I have been through, a complex relationship wouldn't be the best idea. I've been so lost, so lovely. I suppose the idea of two people who might love and cherish and desire me was extremely appealing.

I'm still open to it. Very much so. But I think you're correct in that I have a lot more thinking to do. I probably need to consider the potential emotional damage that could occur.

Trialling while the second guy lives elsewhere is probably a good idea.

So lonely, not lovely. I'm clearly not lovely.

Life is a cabaret old chum, come to the cabaret...

I'm not sure what that means I'm afraid, LapsedHumanist

It’s from the film Cabaret- similar set up. Man and woman in a relationship end up both sleeping with mutual friend. It’s based on a book called “ I am a Camera”. You might find watching one or reading the other therapeutic in the circumstances.