How judgmental would you be of this relationship set up?

[FuckTheSphere]

So DP and I have this really good friend. There was a period of time where DP and I were separated (for a year or so, over 10 years ago), I dated this friend. Set up by DP. We had a brief, extremely intense and passionate relationship.

Once DP and I got back together, he remained a friend to both of us. The three of us hung out together a lot. I mean we spent so much time hanging out and laughing just the three of us.

We kind of drifted apart but have all met up again recently, and the three of us had a great laugh.

DP and this friend were extremely close. They have bonded so much. They have frequently shared a bed, at first they top and tailed, then eventually they would just snuggle up in bed together. If they had to share the same bed for whatever reason they'd always end up spooning. I don't think there was anything sexual there (though I wouldn't mind if there was), they just deeply loved one another as friends and were very comfortable holding one another. They understand each other on a level that I never will, they have been so close, so supportive of one another.

So my DP is amazing. But he's emotionally imited. He is really not good with the emotional stuff, not with me anyway. We have fantastic sex but unfortunately not that often, he's on important, life-saving medication that wrecks his libido

Friend is good with the emotional stuff. He and I have been through similar awful emotional pain. So we're good at talking about it together. He's also great at sex, when we've done that together it's been amazing.

Friend is looking for a new place to live at the moment, hating the flat share he's in. We have a spare room. Would it be totally ludicrous for him to move into our spare room?

He and DP would look out for one another, and the three of us could have a great time. DP would love having a close friend around. I'd have someone to talk to, and DP would be relieved that he wouldn't have to listen to me. Okay, the unusual bit is that I could have sex with either of them. But if they're both okay with that, then why not? Friend has made it clear that he'd be interested in he and I having sex. DP, I think, will be okay with that too.

I know people will be extremely judgmental. So I guess I'm using this thread as a trial to see how much people would judge us... How much would you?

I think all three of you need to be honest. The friend is having sex with both of you, so that means the friend and your h are bi-sexual. As long as your DP is fine with your having sex with the friend and you're okay with your DP having sex with the friend and the friend's okay with shagging you both, well, it's a free country.

As for your intrusive family, unless they have a key, you have time after they chap the door to stop having sex, hop back into respective beds or hey, just tell them the truth: we live in a menage a trois, deal with it.

I know people in the same sort of set up. They were all friends at uni and stayed friends as A and B got married, had kids, kids left home, etc. Then B (male) had an accident and became disabled, this losing his job and they needed extra money. Friend C (also male) moved in as a "lodger", but A and C share a room while B has his own room.

They all enjoyed it at first (I believe there is some swapping about), but I know that A isn't happy with the arrangement any more. They've all been living together for about 15-20 years and while there's no emotional issues like jealously or anything, A feels she's got left with all the shitwork, but now it's for 3 people instead of 2.

Okay. Thanks for the comments. Honestly.

You have given me a lot to think about. Am I sure either of them aren't Bi? No, I can't be sure. They have had a very close friendship, which I think filled a need that they both needed. I think it's possible however, for men to be affectionate with one another without it being sexual. I cuddle up with female friends when we share beds all the time, why is it somehow sexual when men do it?

Anyway, I appreciate the replies. I'm not trolling. And if this is going to be a thread full of trolling accusations because I've suggested something other than a traditional relationship, I'm not going to engage with the troll hunting.

There's no DC involved, to answer that.

I'm really sorry if people think I'm trolling. I'm not. The past few years of my life have been a fucking nightmare. I've been to hell and back. I'm just trying to struggle on as best I can.

Why do I have envy?

Folk here on MN are probably all strangers and probably won't be judgemental. The judgy people will be relatives. THEY always have a criticism IMHO and think they have the right to it as well

Your husband,your friend,your house,your life. Do as you wish.

I think it's possible however, for men to be affectionate with one another without it being sexual

And there you would be wrong.

I don't think OP mentioned a threesome.
Sleeping with both men - yes - but she never mentioned at the same time!
I think as long as you practice safe sex then it's nobody else's business.
I would find it odd.
I like a monogamous relationship.
But that doesn't make me right or wrong either.
Each to their own.

How would anyone know?

HollyGibney, no, I'm not. I have no interest in me or anyone going into details about threesomes, at all. I haven't even mentioned them in fact. So please don't suggest that I am. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward at a particularly shitty time in my life. That's all.

I'm finding it hard to understand how a straight emotionally stunted man would be happy spooning and cuddling a male friend ..... he can't be that emotionally stunted!!

Sounds great to me. I’m jealous.

As long as you're all happy with the arrangement then who cares?

What does moving someone else in and fucking him have to do with you moving forward or that you've been struggling?

Straight adult men do not spoon each other in bed. Women might share beds with friends and cuddle up but straight men do not.
Your H and friend are bi sexual.
You need to understand that and as long as you are happy for merry go round bedroom activities then that is fine. At my kids school there is a family, one man, one girlfriend and one wife all living in same house and sharing a bed. So you are not the first.

I don't understand why anyone has to know that you are sleeping with both of them? Do what you want if it makes you happy but surely you don't have to tell people about it.

I've never heard of two straight men spooning in bed together unless wasted tbh. But I don't cuddle my female friends in bed either which you claim to do.

I would make sure your partner is 110% ok with it and that you are ok with the idea that they might decide to share a bed and leave you in the spare room.

As someone who has had a poly relationship and open relationships in the past, I'd say no.
The reason is simple, you want this man to fill a need (emotional affection and closeness) that your DP lacks.
You're effectively trying to use him as a sticking plaster, you both need to be 100% safe and secure in your relationship with each other before you can add another into the mix.
I'm sorry but I don't think this will work.

That's it exactly, mogratpineapple, my family are extremely judgmental and fully believe that they should have information about absolutely every area of my life.

DilemmaaboutMoney, really? You really don't think it's possible for two men to have great affection for one another without it being sexual? I really don't understand that point of view.

hellsbellsmelons, thank you. I didn't at any point suggest a threesome. That would not happen. I have no interest in that. I understand what you're saying re monogamy. I grew up with two parents who both had affairs. So that has probably warped my definition of what is normal in a relationship. I certainly didn't grow up around monogamy.

Go for it.

Also, you place your friend in a bad position by mixing his living situation and a relationship with you together.
If he wants to stop the relationship he may not feel able to in case it results in him being kicked out of his home

I would bet a lot of money that this is fake.

Even the most secure of men, would not stay close friends with a man who had been shagging his wife then share a bed with him!

If by any chance I'm wrong and this is true....im speechless. Weirdos

Sounds like an ideal arrangement if your DH is completely happy with it. It’s no one else’s business what you do behind closed doors.

Sounds all right if everybody is on the same page. If nobody else knows then there won't be any judgement but it's no-one else business anyway.

It's up to you.

Personally, I'd want a really clear, 'you've got time to think about this and say no, and that's absolutely fine' chat with my DH because if he's only 'sort of' fine it could go quite wrong. But it's your business.

If you think a triad sort of set up would work for you, then go for it.

I think the people insisting that straight men never cuddle are wrong, btw. I think there's a huge taboo in this culture about admitting that male platonic affection can be a thing, but it exists in other cultures, and has done here historically. But even if they are also shagging, if you guys are OK with it, I do know of triads which work pretty well.

Just make sure it doesn't turn into a slow transition for either your or your P to move onto this friend. That would the risk as I'd see it.