I'm so ANGRY, I could smash his face in!

[DilemmaaboutMoney]

I have no idea what to do about this!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the CMS that he earned substantially less than he did. Got them to believe he earned £32,000 when his salary was in fact £132,000. They only have evidence that he underpaid for 1 year (it was actually 3-4 years) and they arrested his wages to collect the arrears for that 1 year (£4k).

Kids are both half way through Uni. They get Student Loan, plus a top up from him and me. For context here, we both support them the same monthly sum, even though my take-home is about £1500/2000 and his take-home is about £7500.

CMS arrested his wages a few months ago, I got my £4k, and in all likelihood, will never see a penny of the additional Circa £12k that he owes me for the years they cannot get proof for.

Found out recently, from a tearful DD, that ExH stopped sending his monthly support payment a few months ago, and she is down to her last £20. I phoned my son, who confirmed that he no longer gets support from Dad.

I told both kids to ask Dad why he had stopped paying, and his response was "Ask your Mum" and "Get your Mum to call me".

There is no way I want to call him. He went NC with me when the youngest went to Uni. Would not reply to any calls or texts (all related to the kids of course). So we haven't had any contact since 2016.

I suspect that he reckons, that if he withdraws his financial support, that I will have no choice, other than to send them extra, and he will therefore claw back what they recently arrested his wages for.

For context, the amount we both send each child, is £200pm. So, from my £2000 salary (which can be as low as £1000 some months, as I'm self employed), I outlay £400 total each month, and he outlays the exact same, despite earning at least £7500 monthly. So it's a large outlay for me, but a drop in the ocean for him. Both kids do also work the summer.

What the fuck do I do? Both kids are down to their last pennies.

I sent a text this afternoon saying "Why aren't you sending the kids their monthly money, they are both short" Sent that hours ago, and typically no reply.

I wish he would just burst in to fucking flames!

There’s nothing else you can do. If he won’t pay, you calling him isn’t going to change that. If your kids have any sense they’ll cut all ties with him.

Do your kids work? I think you've no choice but to explain to them that you can't increase your own payments, stop sheltering them from what a shit he is.

Are they not old enough to support themselves? That's a hell a lot of money you're both throwing their way.

As they are university age, I honestly don't think there's much you can do, as bad as it is that once they reach a certain age the absent parent feels no responsibility

Both your kids NEED to get a job !!! Plenty of kids work through uni.

Yes your ex is an arse but you can’t afford it

Get the children to contact him not you. He should provide them with his reasoning not you. Can't he see he's damaging his relationship with children? Get them to call him to ask why he feels he can not longer afford 400 from his 7000 wages.

They do both work all summer. The rent in the cities they study in are astronomical, so even with their work, plus student loan, they would not survive without the top up from me and their Dad.

casel I've done that. His reply to both of them was "Get your Mum to call me"

He is not an absent Dad at all. They see him as much as me. Close relationship etc.

Your kids are at uni and you send them £400 per month? I just finished uni, and supported myself without any previous savings by using my student loan and getting a job! Why can't they work now as well as working in summer? Not right he is expecting you to foot everything but if I were you I would send them far less.

Tell your kids the truth - that you've tried to get him to pay their monthly payments but he's not responding.

Can you give them some money to help them till the end of term and then leave it to your kids to arrange things with him. They are adults now.

Tbh, you can't force him to do anything here at the ages they are.

P.s. I went to uni in London. No place more expensive! Just had to work my ass off.

DD is going on holiday (very cheap) with her pals soon. Has no money for spends now (she's £400 down, on where she should be). I hate that man so much!

Do your kids know about the CMS stuff? I'd just be honest with them. Sorry kids, your dad is a cunt.

Student loan gives them £400pm credit
We give them £400pm credit
Rent is £820pm
Their work pays for clothes, food, going out, Utilities.

Many of their peers are totally supported by parents.

I am happy to send them £200 each. IMO he could pay so much more, given his earnings.

I know some people struggle through Uni, I don't want that for them, if we have the means to help, which we do. But now he's just playing silly buggers.

If she’s over 19 though I don’t think he has any legal obligation to continue supporting her though does he? Yes it sounds like he’s stopped paying to punish you rather than because he thinks they should be standing on their own two feet, but ultimately they’ve asked him to pay and you’ve asked him to pay and he’s said no. That’s that. If you can’t afford to give more, they’ll have to get a part time job.

He sounds like an arsehole, but there isn't much you can do about it sadly. Doesn't sound like rising to it will help. Also doesn't sound like your daughter can afford to go on holiday.

Your kids need to get angry with their father and be more assertive with him.

It will be a useful life lesson for them

Working pt while studying isn't necessarily going to mean they "struggle". While it's nice you want them to be supported by their parents, what their father gives them is between them and him and wanting to smash his face in won't help you or them. Carry on supporting them however you can afford and wish to, but you can't spend his money for him and even if the CMS says he owes you maintenance now, it'll stop soon anyway and what, if anything, he choose to give them after that is up to him.

He is an arse and he should be doing more but I think all you can do is be honest with your children they are old enough to know what's what.

You can't afford more they will have take it up with their father!! If he wants to keep a. relationships with them then he will stop putting them in the middle of his power trips!! It's hard for you to see but it's not your fault his a lying tight wanker!!

Missed DD going on holiday. If she can't afford it she can either get a job or not go. Someone who's struggling desperately to make ends meet doesn't plan holidays. I thought she worked when she was off uni?

Can they get weekend jobs?

I worked throughout my time at uni, it's totally doable and they will just have to be more sensible with their spending

Do they know the situation?

If not, tell them - warts and all.

Close relationship, aye.

Do THEM a favour and tell them their dad's 'relationship' with them is one fucking big lie.

To all those suggesting the OP is giving an awful lot if money to her DC, the difference between the minimum and maximum student loan is around £4400 so the government do really expect that parents on incomes over around £65k should be making up the difference for their kids.

OP, it's really crap that your ex won't support them. But I don't think there's much you can do. You can't afford to pay any more and what the ex is doing is between him and the DC now. Maybe suggest the DC go to their university student welfare place as they may have hardship loans/grants available to cover them until they can get part time work - holiday working isn't going to cut it if ex won't pay.

Hard though it is they need to sort this out with their father. He has unexpectedly stopped their money leading to real hardship. It is not up to you to bail them out much as it must be tempting.

Next time he wants to see them they obviously won’t be able to afford to get there/ be busy working/ can’t see him at the moment as too sad that he’s stooped so low.

What a bastard.

What a shitbag, so sorry.