I'm so ANGRY, I could smash his face in!

[DilemmaaboutMoney]

I have no idea what to do about this!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the CMS that he earned substantially less than he did. Got them to believe he earned £32,000 when his salary was in fact £132,000. They only have evidence that he underpaid for 1 year (it was actually 3-4 years) and they arrested his wages to collect the arrears for that 1 year (£4k).

Kids are both half way through Uni. They get Student Loan, plus a top up from him and me. For context here, we both support them the same monthly sum, even though my take-home is about £1500/2000 and his take-home is about £7500.

CMS arrested his wages a few months ago, I got my £4k, and in all likelihood, will never see a penny of the additional Circa £12k that he owes me for the years they cannot get proof for.

Found out recently, from a tearful DD, that ExH stopped sending his monthly support payment a few months ago, and she is down to her last £20. I phoned my son, who confirmed that he no longer gets support from Dad.

I told both kids to ask Dad why he had stopped paying, and his response was "Ask your Mum" and "Get your Mum to call me".

There is no way I want to call him. He went NC with me when the youngest went to Uni. Would not reply to any calls or texts (all related to the kids of course). So we haven't had any contact since 2016.

I suspect that he reckons, that if he withdraws his financial support, that I will have no choice, other than to send them extra, and he will therefore claw back what they recently arrested his wages for.

For context, the amount we both send each child, is £200pm. So, from my £2000 salary (which can be as low as £1000 some months, as I'm self employed), I outlay £400 total each month, and he outlays the exact same, despite earning at least £7500 monthly. So it's a large outlay for me, but a drop in the ocean for him. Both kids do also work the summer.

What the fuck do I do? Both kids are down to their last pennies.

I sent a text this afternoon saying "Why aren't you sending the kids their monthly money, they are both short" Sent that hours ago, and typically no reply.

I wish he would just burst in to fucking flames!

I understand how you are feeling, but what he done in the past doesn't really matter anymore!
I still don't think you daughter should be going on holiday when she clearly depends on your money (and your ex's). If you are fine with her going that's ok, but you cannot expect your ex to carry on paying for her because let's face it, he doesn't have to and only a decent man would carry on paying for their kids (he clearly isn't one).

He's an arse. He will get his comeuppance though, when his children realise what an arse he is. He'll reap what he's sowing.

God I hate these ridiculous posts.

Man doesn't meet his commitments. Ignore it and respond kids should get a job.
Man doesn't meet his commitments, ignore it and focus on the thread title instead and attack the op.

Op he's a piece of shit. But the kids need to address it with him. His response of ask mum isn't good enough for them to accept. The kids should say they won't see him again until he meets his commitments to them. It's his decision on when that will be.

my Ex is taking home at least £7500 a month net and has minimal outgoings, so I don't think it's a stretch for him to give them some support through Uni

Exactly. He's punishing his children. Why shouldn't he support them? They are his children - he brought them into the world.

But he's also showing them who he is. They are old enough for you to be quite matter-of-fact about his actions.

Your ex is a shit human being. He was shit to you, shit to his children and still is a shit. Why do you expect anything else?

You're quite right OP but now that you are divorced and your kids are adults, it's none of your business how much he earns.

He's a prize cock, yes, but he's no longer your problem.

His relationship with his kids is between him and them alone now.

Explain to your kids that you are paying as much as you possibly can and that they need to speak with their Dad re any additional top ups.

Tell them why you don't want to speak with him about it and let them draw their own conclusions. Based on what you have said they will undoubtedly come to the same conclusion as you and most people on here.

Unfortunately you cannot force him to give money to his adult children.

OP, Are you England or Scotland. I'm Scotland, but have represented many students in ailment actions against their parent, usually father. The obligation to pay ailment runs to 25 when the child is still reasonably undergoing instruction at an educational establishment. This obligation is quite separate to child support which generally ends when 18.

It is due to the child and thus the child is the pursuer and the client, not the other parent. With student loans and assessments many here have had no choice but to go down this route.

What I don't know is whether that applies in England. However, someone in legal may be able to help, or it may be worth an appointment with a solicitor to discuss if there is anything that can be done.

He sounds despicable. He must show a different side to them to have a close relationship. However it's time they knew the truth about the finances and they must speak to him. Can understand your frustration

He is a prick. But you are right. He is a controlling abuser, and doing this to yank your chain. Only way you can move on is to ignore it.

It is shit that it impacts on your DC, but all down to him. They are adults and they can deal with him directly by going back to him and saying it is not your problem to solve. If they feel they cannot, well that suggests they are also in a controlling and abusive relationship with him. Far better if that is the case for them to walk away from it as you have done.

He may pay up . He probably wont. But if they don't challenge know that sets the pattern for them, and for future relationships. You don't want that for them, and you don't want to spend your life being wound up by him either.

He is a shit Dad. Let him own that.

He's an arse and they need to know why he's no longer supporting them.

As an aside, if you only take home £1-2k a month ask the SLC for an urgent review - they should be able to access the full amount of maintenance loan given your income. Doesn't help in the very short term, but will for 18/19.Might even make their father feel guilt at their increased debt

Don't rise to his bait.

He is trying to control you, for one last time, in the only way he is able. Don't let him win!

Stop contacting him for any reason and leave it to the kids. They will be fine, by the way. It will be hard, but getting through hard patches is part of life and they will manage and end up stronger for it. Also, it will force them to deal directly with their father (rather than communicating via you as well) and will help them see him for what he truly is.

Thank you for the kind comments. I think maybe some of the harsher posters, may have kids who aren't of Uni age yet. It seems easy to think, that as soon as you wave them off at 18, that you wipe your hands of them, but it's really not that easy.

Last year DD applied for about 50 jobs, and only got 1 interview! It's impossible not to top them up, or they'd be evicted!

fourpaws I am in Scotland. So that's quite interesting!

titchy I am remarried, so they look at household income. Our joint income is still one quarter of ExH income, though!

Thank you bluntness

Still no response to my text.

Believe me, your adult children will start making their own judgements. I know I did about my father's behaviour.

It's his loss.

Oh, and to a PP who asked whether I gave that £4k to my kids...nope, I had amassed Credit Card bills to pay for stuff for the kids (when they were still in school), as he was underpaying for so long, and I used the money to clear that off.

I was struggling to get by, whilst he knowingly under paid me, and at the same time had new cars, brand new kitchen, new carpets throughout his 4 bed detached, new made to measure curtains, foreign holidays etc!

He is a cock and totally understand your anger. Do your kids' unis have hardship grants or loans available? I benefitted from these when I was at uni when I got screwed over by a landlord for something I'd not budgeted for. These funds were charity/alumni rather than government funded.

I have two adult DC, one severely disabled. I do understand how you feel about how he is letting your DC down. I have been there. But, sadly you can't protect them from that.

He is a complete scumbag - who doesn’t want to help their child at all? My parents were not at all well off but still contributed a little to my rent when I was at uni. I did work also.

To make up that £200 each month, they’d only really need to work in Tesco every Saturday or get a bar job for a couple of nights a week. It’s not that they’d have to work every day to get through.

As horrible as he’s being, no one can make him pay anything if he’s set on being obstructive and controlling. You can’t pay money that you don’t have and hard as it is, your children will have to do something themselves to make up the shortfall.

Where do they live with £820 rent. Must be a pretty nice place even in London! I have relatives in London in reasonable accommodation for £600 per month. The kids need to evaluate their life choices.

dermymc, the DD presumably signed up for the rent when her dad was making up the shortfall in student loan and had no idea he was going to stop. She's presumably 19/20 and didn't know her dad was a twat.

Unfortunately, OP, I don't think you can shield your DC from their father's true nature any more. If there is any way you can help them just to pay rent for this year I would do that - then they may have to look for somewhere cheaper or get part-time jobs if at all possible.

820 rent? Jesus christ. Where are they lodging? Plus the dc is going on hol. “Down to their last pennies?” 😂😂😂😂😂
First world problems OP.

"I have relatives in London in reasonable accommodation for £600 per month."

For real? I live here and that's by no means typical. I presume you mean in a shared house and not including bills.

Student accommodation usually includes all bills and just covers nine months of the year, making it relatively economical overall as you can then move back in with your parents between July and September. I wouldn't be surprised by £800 a month for a room in student halls, and I don't think it's a terrible deal given that it includes bills and is for a nine-month let rather than 12.

Yes shared house but it does include bills.

Back in my day, most students were in shared housing too. Halls were for first years only. £820 is astronomical, I'm surprised people pay it tbh. No wonder people stay at home now.

Anyway huge thread de rail. Your ex sounds like a nobber.

Did they not get assessed for loans and grants on the income of the resident parent (ie, you?) Mine all went through Uni on maximum loans and bursaries because my earnings are so low, and neither I nor my XH had to top them up with anything. Which is just as well because, as stated elsewhere on this site, he still owes me £30,000 in unpaid CSA...

Tell them the whole truth about him saying he earned 32k when it was 132k. Don't cover up for him.