I'm so ANGRY, I could smash his face in!

[DilemmaaboutMoney]

I have no idea what to do about this!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the CMS that he earned substantially less than he did. Got them to believe he earned £32,000 when his salary was in fact £132,000. They only have evidence that he underpaid for 1 year (it was actually 3-4 years) and they arrested his wages to collect the arrears for that 1 year (£4k).

Kids are both half way through Uni. They get Student Loan, plus a top up from him and me. For context here, we both support them the same monthly sum, even though my take-home is about £1500/2000 and his take-home is about £7500.

CMS arrested his wages a few months ago, I got my £4k, and in all likelihood, will never see a penny of the additional Circa £12k that he owes me for the years they cannot get proof for.

Found out recently, from a tearful DD, that ExH stopped sending his monthly support payment a few months ago, and she is down to her last £20. I phoned my son, who confirmed that he no longer gets support from Dad.

I told both kids to ask Dad why he had stopped paying, and his response was "Ask your Mum" and "Get your Mum to call me".

There is no way I want to call him. He went NC with me when the youngest went to Uni. Would not reply to any calls or texts (all related to the kids of course). So we haven't had any contact since 2016.

I suspect that he reckons, that if he withdraws his financial support, that I will have no choice, other than to send them extra, and he will therefore claw back what they recently arrested his wages for.

For context, the amount we both send each child, is £200pm. So, from my £2000 salary (which can be as low as £1000 some months, as I'm self employed), I outlay £400 total each month, and he outlays the exact same, despite earning at least £7500 monthly. So it's a large outlay for me, but a drop in the ocean for him. Both kids do also work the summer.

What the fuck do I do? Both kids are down to their last pennies.

I sent a text this afternoon saying "Why aren't you sending the kids their monthly money, they are both short" Sent that hours ago, and typically no reply.

I wish he would just burst in to fucking flames!

Ive got 2 at uni and im a single mum on a low wage...it is a nightmare...my ex gives them both 250 a month each and my eldest works in one of the uni bars...they both get the maximum student loans but still only just scraping by...I will be so less stressed when they have both finished.

zaphod that used to be the case, but I thought they had changed that now.

dermymc, £600 including bills is pretty good going for inner London. Outer London and fringe maybe, but then you'd have commuting costs to the university.

Either way, the DC have found themselves unexpectedly £200 per month worse off. That's would be difficult for most people.

He is a bastard for doing that but alot of kids go to uni and have to suppprt themselves hun.

I do feel like a broken record but still - the vast majority who don't receive help from parents while at uni are going so on the maximum student loan. The minimum student loan is over £4k less than that. So because of Dickhead Dad the two children are already at a significant disadvantage compared to their peers. That is really crap, and pretending everyone is in the same boat us ridiculous. £8k loan plus part time earnings is an awful lot less than £4k loan plus part time earnings.

Perhaps it is the system at fault - either parents should be required to pay or students should all be eligible for the maximum loan. It is (IME) the kids of deadbeat dads who suffer from the current system.

I feel for you OP. I’ve had similar in that my ex refused point blank to support ours at university, thankfully they qualified for the maximum loan and my eldest received a bursary too. I bung them small amounts when I can afford to, I only work part-time and I don’t know if our youngest will ever be independent. Ex earns twelve times the amount I do, lives the life of Riley with no responsibilities while I struggle to keep the family (that he, oh so, desperately wanted and has now fucked off and left) afloat. It is hard but I’ve had to tell the kids that I can’t afford to support them and occasionally they will ask him for money but it always comes with a price, they have to drive him places or pick him up drunk or do his cleaning so they only ask when they are really short. But they see him for what he is and sadly for him want to to spend less and less time with him, he will have a lonely old age.

I'm cutting you some slack here OP.
You've said your children work in holiday stand that's great.
Yes I know lots of students work term time. But believe me, most don't.
And most parents who are reasonable and in a position to top up, do so. Your ex clearly is. And he is being unreasonable.
My kids work bloody hard at uni and we can help top up, not to a champagne and high life level, but to allow them not to worry about the basics. This is reasonable.
Fair enough some parents can't afford to do so. But that's not the case here. The ex is just being a git. And I hope the student children respond accordingly

I feel for you op and am surprised at the responses basically saying that your dc need to step up and work more.

The fact is, he was paying them £200pm, they budgeted around that, calculated how much they needed to work to make ends meet, booked a little holiday..and then without warning he stopped paying them.

He is an absolute shit for making his own dc suffer because he is angry with you. And angry for what? Because you managed to claw back some cm that he underpaid for one single year?

I would send him one more message actually : I can't afford to pay the children any more money each month, the lump sum from you cleared a credit card debt.

Beyond that there's not much you can do and yes pp are right your dc may have to work more or cancel holidays. Make sure they understand why he's doing this so that they can take it up with him.

And I don't blame you for using a bit of hyperbole in your thread title and can't actually believe that seems to be the main focus for some. Most people have to financially support their dc through university, and do so happily because they want the very best for them, banging on about how you had to work down the mines in clogs while you were at uni is irrelevant to OP's complaint : that he unfairly stopped paying without warning.

I agree with others that there isn’t much you can do about this.
Under no circumstances should you help them out to the tune of £200 p/m each. That’s what he wants you to do.
Explain that you simply cannot afford it, tell them the % that you’re already giving them out of your leftover earnings,
They need to see their father for who he is. And I will tell you this now. He will destroy his relationship with them,

I would be vaguely tempted to send one message that says “you do realise you’re going to destroy your relationship with your children for the sake of getting back at me...is that loss worth that much to you?”

The leave it and walk away.

He knows exactly what you’ll do. And you HAVE to do the opposite. No matter how much it kills you.
Really, you’re DD missing out on a holiday with her mates at that age is going to seriously impact on how she feels about him.
DO NOT facilitate a happy relationship with your kids and him at your own expense any more. Make this the end of him abusing you.

If you don’t, this will carry on forever. And when it comes to paying for weddings/helping with big things in life. He will do exactly the same to you. And then sit at the top table and be the “loving” dad they think the world of. That will be shit.

I have nothing useful to add other than he's clearly a twat and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this shit. Good luck x

Did your kids know he is a manipulative twat before this happened? I feel very guilty for giving my kids a similarly twattish and selfish dad and it’s a horrible thing to see your kids go through. He is being a complete shit to them.

I totally understand how you feel. And the helplessness of it all. As you know he is using this as a control. Using his kids as pawns to get at you.

They are adults. Tell them the truth about the CMS lump sum and what you used it on. Can you help more temporarily now whilst you support them to discuss with their father? I know it's not 'right' just thinking of them and trying to minimise the guilt you will be feeling.

He is a bastard. No doubt about it. I've had this. I know how you feel. I sucked it up and provided the most I could.

I agree with the majority of posters who say it is time to be honest about your finances and the amount of financial abuse you have been under. Lay the figures out on the table, tell them about the CMS and what happened. Tell them about your income, give real figures, explain the debts incurred during the times he refused to pay and misled the CMS. Tell them you suspect it is because he has finally been made to pay what he owed for 1 year that his 'ask your mum' refers to, and his refusal to pay them directly

They are adults. It wont take much to see what you have been going through. And as others have said, if HE doesnt provide and your daughter misses her holiday will cement the truth quite firmly in her mind.

And yes, Id point them to the advice help that was posted upthread to, as children, apply for the money from him through the university. It might be a different matter when his childen, independant from you, are taking this on.

Could be worse, your kids could have parents like mine: as I was looking to go to uni, with no family money available, my mother went completely batshit crazy and my dad has always been disabled and not able to help with any kind of admin, advice or money. So I never went to uni, was too messed up with the craziness at the time. She went NC with me, I was relieved, but still unable to do things like answer the phone for months. Too late for me now, stuck in a dead end job chatting on here through sheer boredom. Whatever happens, your kids are in a relatively good place, but good luck to all of you.

I think some pp are being a bit harsh on the daughter for planning a holiday. She budgeted for it based on her income, fair enough.

Yes your ex is a total shit but you need to get him out of your head. Let your DC deal with him from now on. Forget he exists.
And yes tell them the truth about all the finances. You are helping as much as you can. Leave it at that.

It's a harsh lessom for them but might do them good in the long run and teach them to be self-sufficient.

They should contact student loans about their change in circumstance. Also unis do emergency loans as well

They are adults. Tell them the truth.

I agree with everyone, they are adults and you should tell them the truth. It may be harsh for them when they realise they’ve been missing out as their df hasn’t paid the correct amount, but they need to know so they can have a proper conversation with him. You can’t find the extra cash to cover the loss, and why should you

Your kids are adults, they need to know about the lost money.
You can't force him to pay, and lots of kids go through uni without help from their parents because they can't afford it.
They will simply have to take larger loans like many others, but they must know why.

glue - my youngest two have only just left. Their loans were assessed on my income alone and their father's earnings had no input at all. They also both got some bursaries - but that might not have been linked to my earnings but to their achievements.

Tell them the whole truth about him saying he earned 32k when it was 132k. Don't cover up for him

Well, my DD is staying with me just now, and this morning I told her about this. She didn't seem surprised!

MotherisourSlave I'm sorry, that sounds incredibly hard work.

banging on about how you had to work down the mines in clogs while you were at uni is irrelevant to OP's complaint : that he unfairly stopped paying without warning

Thank you so much RainySeptember that made me laugh out loud this morning, which I really needed! And yes, that's the crux of it. He agreed at start of term to pay £200 allowance, and has now stopped without warning. £200 is a lot to a student.

Anyway, got no reply to my text of yesterday. As DD had had a conversation with her Dad yesterday, saying how she really needed her allowance for April and May, I asked her to check her on-line banking today - nothing received. So, I told her the whole truth about the CMS under payment, and that could be what this is all about.

Then I called his mobile. Uugh, not great, as we haven't spoken since 2016. He was at work, and shuffled off to a quiet room. I asked him why he'd stopped the kids money, and he said he couldn't afford it, because earlier in the year, he'd had to pay me for 2014's child support. He said he hadn't opened any of the mail from CMS (yeah, right) and that he thought £1500 was coming out of his account every month. This is just all bollocks. He's a Director in a Bank, FGS, of course he knows what is in his own Bank Account, and what's going out, he will be on it like a hawk!

So, I called him on it. Told him that was rubbish, and that anything going on between him and I, in relation to arrears from 2014, had nothing to do with his support for the kids now.

He denied earning £132,000 in 2014, and said that HMRC had it wrong (yeah, right). So, I asked him for a recent payslip to back up his story that he was on less than that, to which he said "No".

This man honestly must think I am zipped up the back. He's just back from a foreign holiday and has another one coming up! Lives in a £500k house and drives a lovely car etc.

So, just more smoke and mirrors basically.

Then he banged on about how DD should get a job. Well, she does have one lined up, which would only pay £400 for the whole summer, so big wow. Given that he's earning £7500pm, why not just take that stress away?

I also told him that he'd turn the kids against him, if he kept dicking them about. To which he replied "that's never going to happen"

DD was meant to be going to his tonight, and now says she doesn't want to and can't face another conversation where she has to ask him for money, as every conversation goes like this:

" Dad, you didn't send my allowance for April and May, and I'm down to £20"

"You know I'll never see you go short DD"

"But I am short Dad, I'm down to my last £20"

Dad changes topic.

AARGH

That sucks for you kids whatever people think about how you should get through uni these students made choices based on having £200 extra a month. It has been stopped not because the parent can't pay but because they won't!

Let him see your children are old enough they can make a point as well!

He sounds an absolute arsehole OP

However I’m with the other posters who are saying your children are old enough to support themselves.

I know you don’t mind giving them money each month, and he is an absolute c*nt for stopping his share, and I also know they work when they’re home, but they are adults. There is nothing stopping them from getting a job near to uni

Whether you continue to give money or not, I highly recommend you encourage them to find another job each.
At the moment whenever they’re low on money they ring mum or dad. They need to learn that’s not how it works.

Your pig exh needs to find out his it works as well and see how much his children want to spend time with him when he's deliberately choosing to make them struggle. That's the only thing that would change his mind.

He seems very smug that his financial shafting of his two offspring won't result in them washing their hands off him and having nothing to do with him.

Well, on his head be it so.

It's time you stopped covering for him. You'll all muddle through this but they'll have had a big lesson in what a cock of a father they have.

banging on about how you had to work down the mines in clogs while you were at uni is irrelevant to OP's complaint : that he unfairly stopped paying without warning.

Great post @rainyseptember.

I had no financial help from my parents at uni and worked full-time while also studying full-time.

The difference is that my parents were clear from the start that they wouldn’t support me, so I was able to make my plans accordingly. They didn’t make promises and then suddenly pull the rug out from under me. They didn’t use my sibling and me as weapons against each other. They communicated with each other and with us directly and didn’t play games.

I dare say their relationship with each other has been difficult at times, but they always presented a united front and left us out of it.

The OP’s situation is very different and it’s ridiculous to compare her children’s position to mine. I could never afford to go on holiday, it’s true, but my parents didn’t allow me to think that I might be able to afford it and then suddenly give me a financial sucker punch just to hurt each other.