I'm so ANGRY, I could smash his face in!

[DilemmaaboutMoney]

I have no idea what to do about this!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the CMS that he earned substantially less than he did. Got them to believe he earned £32,000 when his salary was in fact £132,000. They only have evidence that he underpaid for 1 year (it was actually 3-4 years) and they arrested his wages to collect the arrears for that 1 year (£4k).

Kids are both half way through Uni. They get Student Loan, plus a top up from him and me. For context here, we both support them the same monthly sum, even though my take-home is about £1500/2000 and his take-home is about £7500.

CMS arrested his wages a few months ago, I got my £4k, and in all likelihood, will never see a penny of the additional Circa £12k that he owes me for the years they cannot get proof for.

Found out recently, from a tearful DD, that ExH stopped sending his monthly support payment a few months ago, and she is down to her last £20. I phoned my son, who confirmed that he no longer gets support from Dad.

I told both kids to ask Dad why he had stopped paying, and his response was "Ask your Mum" and "Get your Mum to call me".

There is no way I want to call him. He went NC with me when the youngest went to Uni. Would not reply to any calls or texts (all related to the kids of course). So we haven't had any contact since 2016.

I suspect that he reckons, that if he withdraws his financial support, that I will have no choice, other than to send them extra, and he will therefore claw back what they recently arrested his wages for.

For context, the amount we both send each child, is £200pm. So, from my £2000 salary (which can be as low as £1000 some months, as I'm self employed), I outlay £400 total each month, and he outlays the exact same, despite earning at least £7500 monthly. So it's a large outlay for me, but a drop in the ocean for him. Both kids do also work the summer.

What the fuck do I do? Both kids are down to their last pennies.

I sent a text this afternoon saying "Why aren't you sending the kids their monthly money, they are both short" Sent that hours ago, and typically no reply.

I wish he would just burst in to fucking flames!

I didn't get beyond your title. Imagine if you saw on a dads forum, I'm so angry, I could smash her face in.

My first husband managed to wriggle out of ANY payments throughout my sons childhood and vanished abroad. He came back wanting a relationship with him once he was 18 and naturally my son would have nothing to do with him.
My ex has missed out on a relationship with a wonderful caring son - his tough shit. Your ex will share the same fate.

Why is your daughter going on holiday if she is struggling with money? Surely she should be saving up so she doesn't have to rely on you so much?
You say they have a close relationship? It doesn't sound like it..

Can I just ask, did you give the £4k you received from cms to your kids?

The kids need a reality check. They need jobs all year round, not just in the summer. Holidays are a luxury, even cheap ones.

And threats of violence are not on, even if they're said in the heat of the moment.

how did he convince them he earned 100k less?? wow

I didn't think you would still get any CMS payments once they were at Uni, have I got tat wrong? I would have thought the money he pays them directly would replace maintenance?

CMS can't help with payments after A-levels I thought?

If your children see their dad regularly, then get them to ask him for money. They may be students but they are adults.
The title of your thread (not very advisable under any circumstances) shows that your ex knows exactly how to push your buttons.
Continue nc with ex. (Otherwise he will get his narc fix from reeling you in.)

You will have to go tough love with your kids. Tell them how much their dad earns and say you can do no more. If they have to postpone uni for a year; that's on them & their Dad.

Well indeed @catintheworld

Fine to be angry but if that's how she feels about her ex, understandable that he doesn't fancy chatting to her.

TeachesOfPeaches ChiaraRimini I am also a bit confused about that. Also don't know how op can get these payments now?? Did cms take years to realise that the ex was underpaying??

Why should the kids work when their father is very rich indeed and could easily give them the money? That would allow them to put the extra time into studying that might make the difference between a first class degree and a lower grade.

I had zero help from parents when I went to uni or even college. At college I worked 12hr shifts Sat and Sun and at university I did bar work. And passed my degree well. It was tough but it taught me independence and that I really did want to be on those courses.

catintheworld If you didn't get beyond the title, what are you posting for?

DD booked the holiday months ago. It was only £360, and careful budgeting allowed for this, albeit, she is now £400 down (and it's only going to get worse). She will work for 3 months when she gets home.

The payment I received related to 2014, when both children were still at school. It took CMS 4 years to get the money that was owed. I do not get any maintenance now, as they are both at Uni. He also underpaid for 2013, 2015 and 2016. I will never see this money.

Fine to be angry but if that's how she feels about her ex, understandable that he doesn't fancy chatting to her

I do wish people would ask, instead of assuming things like this. FYI, my Ex slept with 10 other women when we were married, fucked my best friend, tried to fuck my sister, beat me up twice, has been arrested for drink driving and has fucked me over financially. I have never laid a finger on him, but yes, metaphorically speaking, I could well imagine throwing a punch his way, because even now, many years on, he still manages to fuck me over from afar.

Your husband being a knob head aside, your kids are adults now.

Just as plenty of their mates have everything paid for by parents, plenty pay for everything themselves by working and getting a loan.

Not ideal, but the norm for many.

Keep out of it. Everyone in this situation is an adult, "sorry kids, I am paying you as much allowance as I possibly can, if your Dad has stopped contributing then you need to speak to him, there's nothing I can do about it".

Well ideally they wouldn't Rainydaydog but it's up to him what if anything he pays and if there's a shortfall they'll need to do what an awful lot of us have done and work for the extra.

He's being crap pushing it back on the OP but the DC are adults and it's up to them to ask him for what they want. OP gives them what she wants to and can afford, she can't make her ex pay up and it's best for everyone if she stays out of her DC relationship with their father, who she clearly hates and wants to hurt.

Neither she nor the DC can rely on him so there's no point raging, they'll have to accept the situation as it is and find a way to get on without his help. Like they would if he was out of the picture or not a high earner.

Time will tell if the DC choose not to have a relationship with their dad if he refuses to support them financially but either way, they should communicate with him as adults and OP should stay out of it.

And whilst I have nothing but admiration, for people who put themselves through Uni, with no financial support from parents, my Ex is taking home at least £7500 a month net and has minimal outgoings, so I don't think it's a stretch for him to give them some support through Uni. He knows they are now down to their last pennies, and he knows how upset that will make me.

My dad used to pay support to my mum for us. It stopped when we were 18. I doubt the rules have changed. Your kids need to get jobs and work part time if you can't afford to fund them.

Also, the title of your post is awful

well it sounds like to me that you've done a great job of letting the kids have a relationship with him, despite his many failings and I know how hard that is

however, like everyone has said, now is the time you have to stop shielding them and let them know the truth (about the finances). Where you need to be careful is that I would bet my last dollar he says to the kids, I just gave your mum £4k, ask her for that. So be prepared.

He also knows I take home £1500-£2000 pm, and that I will now be panicking about how the kids are going to cope. That's no doubt why he's done this. To get back at me, for getting my underpayment for 2014. Because he's a grade A cunt. Yes I'm angry. 20 years of this shit.

OP, he sounds awful and the more you post about him the worse he sounds. Which is even more reason to leave the DC to it in their dealings with him. If the DC have any inkling how bad things were, they shouldn't have any expectations that you'll fight their battles with him!

He's a grade A shit but he can't hurt you anymore if you refuse to engage with him on anything and let you adult children take responsibility for their relationships with each of you.

No one on here's a mindreader, people are posting based on what you've said. Your OP didn't mention how bad your past history is, if it had, you'd probably have been told even quicker not to have any contact with him at all and to protect yourself.

It’s between your children and your ex.

But op there’s NOTHING you can do about this. You just have to tell your kids that if their dad won’t step up then they’ll have to.

Omg it was 16, not 18.

Also, the title of your post is awful

As Steve Hughes says, "Be offended, nothing happens"

He knows they are now down to their last pennies, and he knows how upset that will make me.

I unfortunately this is the crux of it he is doing what he can to exert his last bit of control over you and his screwing his kids over to do it!! I don't blame you for being angry I would be too.

I know it might be tempting to give in and help out for the kids but I really don't think you can! Be honest with them they are old enough and the need to start seeing the truth behind what kind of man their father is!