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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

354 replies

silverturtle · 03/06/2018 21:04

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 04/06/2018 10:14

Also contact the passport office about your children's passports.

I would also text/whats app him telling you and the children will not be vacating the family home and he can find somewhere else to stay when he gets back.

fuzzywuzzy · 04/06/2018 10:22

You can order birth and marriage certificates online here it shouldn’t take too long to arrive, I’d have it sent to your work place or something tho.

saltedliquorice · 04/06/2018 10:23

I am so sorry silver turtle please try to pick yourself and get legal advic ASAP this will make you feel better. He doesn’t deserve you and never did. My guess is he’s realised he couldn’t play you for a fool for much longer so he’s on his toes to another woman. I would say he has been planning this move for awhile and maybe your mil and his family have been counselling him on this. Take care you deserve better and when you start to believe this you will feel so much better.

eggncress · 04/06/2018 10:26

You need to get bank statements of everything you’ve paid for.
You should get a bigger share of the house because you paid the mortgage and he didn’t .
Account should also be taken of all bills/ contributions to the household expenses and this should all come off his share ( I hope ... not a lawyer!)
Does he have a pension? Savings?Shares?
You can get a lawyer who can investigate hidden assets.
Don’t move out of the house!
Once he’s back... if he changes the locks on you, call the police.Dont just accept it.

Rocinante1 · 04/06/2018 10:26

How did you let it get to this?

Either tell him what his 50% share of ALL the bills is, and get as much backdated as he can afford to give you. Then get the 5% every month.

Or divorce him. I can’t believe you got pregnant again with this situation going the way it is. Honestly...

Userplusnumbers · 04/06/2018 10:26

At least when you leave him you know you can afford everything - he's going to be fucked trying to figure out his budget.

Kick him to the kerb OP, he's a massive cocklodger.

Starlight2345 · 04/06/2018 10:27

I am saying this bluntly not to be unkind but you need to hear this.

He is going to screw every penny out of you he can .

He has planned this. The things in the divorce petition are vile .

You need to phone solicitors today . You are unlikely to get appointment today so get appointment . Do ask if they have experience of financial abuse . I think there is likely to be emotional abuse too as he manipulates you into paying everything.

Do the ordering of birth certificates , marriage certificate today . If you can’t find passports cancel and reapply.
You have a week to get everything sorted. While you are in shock now is time to fight to protect yourself and your children.

Tambien · 04/06/2018 10:31

I agree with starlight
Who in earth tells their dw they want a divorce by sending them a petition for divorce from their lawyer???

He Obvioulsy has been researching this and knows what he can and can’t say.

Your need a lawyer. ASAP.
And to stay in the house, not the least because half yours anyway.

Cricrichan · 04/06/2018 10:33

What a cold hearted bastard. Has he ever loved you to have treated you with such contempt?

Think of how tight he was when he was supposedly with you, imagine now that he wants out. He's going to try and leech you dry. He's a very calculating evil man. Please wipe every emotion you have for him and think only if yourself and your children. Be completely open and honest with your friends and family so you have proper support and are not talked round by him. Who does the practical side of parenting ? Is that you too? Drop offs, pick ups, cooking, bedtime etc? I'm guessing that it's also you so if he starts threatening you about custody, don't worry too much because he's unlikely to actually want it.

But see a solicitor today. All the best op, as hard as this is, I think it's good that it's happening. Once it's all over, you'll be much happier and wealthier!

Thesearepearls · 04/06/2018 10:36

Please investigate hidden assets as soon as possible

It's absolutely crucial - he's been planning this for a long time and he's been hiding the money for a long time.

At least we know what he's been doing with the money now .. he's been stashing it away for the divorce

Flowers OP, you've had a nasty shock

Rocinante1 · 04/06/2018 10:36

Just RTFT.

With divorce, it starts off as 50/50 but that’s not how it usually ends. The court will look at the whole situation. Get all your bank statement ready - highlighting all bill payment etc, and highlighting the handful of times he gave money to show who supported the family etc.

He will not get 50%. They will give the most to the person with the most need. You both earn the same, so finances won’t affect that much but the person keeping the kids the most, the person paying for everything etc... you can use it all to help you.

Summerhillsquare · 04/06/2018 10:38

Echoing the advice to get get a lwayer urgently. He's several steps ahead of you already. Cold and controlling - you need as many allies as you can get to assert yourself here. I am wondering if you have a case for coercive control here too.

KateGrey · 04/06/2018 10:39

He’s an arsehole! Who has conditioned you to thinking his behaviour was normal.

Do not leave the house! He’s a bully! He’s happy to leave his wife and children without money whilst he swans off. Fucking bastard. Get legal advice ASAP!!!!

KateGrey · 04/06/2018 10:40

I’d get hold of any of the documents in the house. He’s already had the passports so I’d report them lost.

JustGettingStarted · 04/06/2018 10:56

Don't text him anything. For all he knows, you haven't received anything in the post.

eggncress · 04/06/2018 11:00

Reiterate what @just said. Don’t communicate with him. Don’t even let him know you got that through the post

applesandpears56 · 04/06/2018 11:01

Well that explains why he didn’t want you on holiday with him! :(
Get to a lawyer fast and do not move out of the family home or let him have any sort of custody of the kids

Starlight2345 · 04/06/2018 11:14

Yes also to no contact . Do not respond to any texts .

He won’t be used to you not dancing to his tune . If he does contact you expect it to switch from concerned to angry to the children any way to wind you back in

StaplesCorner · 04/06/2018 11:14

You literally couldn't make it up?

He didn't want that third child with you. You've been taken for a ride for years by the sounds of it - imagine all that cash he's amassed. I want to be really brutal with you OP because it sounds like this man has really manipulated and controlled you - you have been stupid and your kids will pay the price.

Get angry.

Beaverhausen · 04/06/2018 11:22

He knows he does not have a leg to stand on. That is why he got it in first, if anything he will have to leave the property as you are the main carer for your children and pay all the bills. As Lon as you can prove all this he won't get to say much.

What a c@nt!

KateGrey · 04/06/2018 11:24

@StaplesCorner that’s a bit harsh. OP is probably aware this is far from ideal but you don’t walk into a marriage assuming you’ll get completely and utterly fucked over.

Shiftymake · 04/06/2018 11:24

Please read what these ladies are saying, you do not have time to wallow in this, you need to get angry and fight. Investigate, snoop and get your legal stuff going today. Report the children's passports as lost and get them replaced, hunt for paperwork and order in copies of what is missing and get them into folders, print out anything of relevance. You have to do this today! Tomorrow is one day wasted. You need to do this, for your own sake and the children's. Use this site, talk to those around you, friends, family, everyone about what is going on and get support to help you get through the steps. People here will help you and ensure that you have a good idea what steps you need to take on the way.

eggncress · 04/06/2018 11:25

@StaplesCorner... no not stupid but emotionally, psychologically, financially abused. Possibly other forms of abuse too.
You need to understand the impact that has on a victim, their ability to think clearly and rationally when living with someone like that.

3stonedown · 04/06/2018 11:26

My jaw has literally dropped reading this. What the actual fuck.

I wish you the best of luck OP. Get very very angry

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 04/06/2018 11:28

I'd bet there's another woman and she's at the wedding with him. God only knows what he's told his family about you.