Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

[silverturtle]

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

WTF? You’ve to vacate the home that only you have paid for??

This guy’s a disgrace.

What a shock he'll get when he gets his child maintenance bill and has to part with money.

Get your bank statements together.

I am so sorry op, did he not say anything to you at all about divorce?

You need a solicitor but get one who is familar with dealing with abuse and can match his aggressive solicitor.Women's aid or other organisation (rights of women) will be able to help.

I cannot stress this enough as you need the right person who will protect you.

Ignore the threat, if you are married he cannot force you from the home, its just bullying to frighten you.
How long is he away for?

Did he know you were intending to file for divorce today as you say in your op? Seems more than a coincidence.

He's filed for divorce! Get copies of their birth certificates. You can report their passports lost and apply for new ones.

Lord knows why he thinks you should leave the marital home.

I reckon he has another woman tucked away.

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

No. Do it. Let him come back from his destination wedding to divorce papers. What a disgusting horror of a man.

sorry didn't read the thread, I was so incensed by the OP alone.

My unreasonable behaviour includes failure to maintain personal hygiene to an acceptable standard. Some examples are given (not completely invented). This made him feel unloved and rejected. (I am quoting). Also they quote an incident of incontinence in public a couple of weeks post partum (a real story), which made him feel embarrassed, and it reads as if I was dead drunk at that time and lost bowel control (we were in a pub indeed, but I wasn't drinking, and it had never happened again).
The kids are not specifically mentioned in the petition or the letter at all, just details given in the box. We paid the deposit for the house 50/50, and it is in joint names, so I guess we have equal rights.

You need a solicitor today! He's going to try and hang you out to dry.

I'll take today off and will start looking for the legal help tomorrow.
Yes, I mentioned divorce once to him, last Monday to be precise, when he came back from the stag do (another exotic location), and I nagged him about the school uniform for September (it was just before my payday, and I was feeling broke and low).

Thanks everyone for the support.

My god he’s disgusting. Your gonna be well rid of him and he’s a complete coward he had to go and hide knowing you were gonna get divorce papers. He’s in for a shock when he can’t freeload off you anymore . 💐

Goodness - things are moving quickly ...

Did he see this thread op?

We paid the deposit for the house 50/50, and it is in joint names, so I guess we have equal rights.
If you've paid all the mortgage payments, I would imagine not.

Do you have any joint accounts at all, or only separate ones? Does he have any access to your accounts e.g. would there be any way your password could be saved on an account or device?

He's going to have quite the shock coming, financially. Guess he's built up a decent cushion though.
What a shock for you OP, as others have said, don't leave your home. You've shown yourself to be resilient and brave.

You need a solicitor urgently. He cares not for these children either and never has cared for you at all; he has simply freeloaded off you all these years.

He sounds like a total narcissist so this is all a good thing.
But you need to get yourself to a solicitor very very quickly.
See what they suggest is the best option.
Make sure you take him for everything you can.
Pension, assets, properties, cars, literally everything.

Do NOT leave the marital home.
If he wants to split then he can go right ahead and move out himself.
It's yours and your DC home so don't be pushed out.

You've been a mug and you know it.
Get legal advise - TODAY!!!!
Do NOT contact his lawyers yourself.
Dot it all legally via solicitors.

Cancel the DC passports and apply for new ones.
Apply for a replacement marriage certificate.
If you decide to divorce HIM then you will need this.

Tell everyone - I mean everyone you know. Tell them all the truth.
About the money and how he puts you down and how your self-esteem has been on the floor due to him.
Don't let him get away with anything.
Don't protect him.
You've been doing that for years now.

Time to find your backbone and stand up to this vile bully!

If it’s gone on for this long with him living the life of Riley and whilst you are the financially responsible adult he will never change and in his mind why should he.
He’s almost like a teenager on his first job paying a fiver a week for keep and partying and buying clothes with the rest.
Does he go out a lot OP, could he be leading a double life or is he maybe taking the pee with expensive hobbies what are his family like and are they aware that you are keeping him to this extent, has he mental health issues it’s a very odd attitude and behaviour to have? I would get legal advice ASAP.

I don't think he saw this thread, or has any idea of mumsnet existence at all. The letter is dated Thursday. He was off yesterday morning, and I posted in the evening after the kids were in bed and all chores done.

He should be back next Tuesday.

I'm guessing you have bank statements that clearly show what you have been paying towards to house etc...I would try to talk to a solicitor today if you can..he must have balls of steel, what a freeloading dick!!!

What an utter bastard he is. You will be well rid of him. Get yourself a good lawyer and do not budge form the house. Sell some of your very expensive gifts from him to pay for the lawyers fees!

We even discussed a family vacation on Friday, and apparently he was looking with me at flights / hotels in full knowledge that the divorce petition is on the way. I cannot fully digest this.

Report the passports as list.
Order new copies of the birth certificates.
Search for as much financial information as you can.

Find and see a SHL shit hot lawyer today.

Do NOT leave the house.
Do NOT reply yourself, leave that to your lawyer.

So sorry OP, it sounds like he has been planning this.

silverturtle sending you big hugs

He is an absolute dick . I know you're in shock at the moment, but it may help to actually write a list of what you need to do. There is some good advice on this thread so you can use that to help you. And find a good solicitor. It may help to have all communication through a solicitor.

I would be especially careful if he thinks he can get you out of the marital home . What has he been up to whilst you've been keeping the family together? He has obviously been planning something, hence the passports etc. going missing. Take all the paperwork you can find today and put it somewhere safe with a relative you trust.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this realisation. My guess is he has been having an affair with a richer woman than you.

Be gentle to yourself. You deserve better than this cocklodger.

First things first.

Get a shit hot lawyer, speak to a few and go with one you are comfortable with.
Maybe give us an idea roughly where you are and someone can recommend one to you.

Do not leave the house are you jointly named as owners on the deeds? Ask if you can get an occupation order to remain in the house as his lawyers are trying to scare you into leaving the house so he obviously isn’t going to be nice about it. You can prove you pay everything.

Are you main carer of the children if he has taken the passports I would look into getting a prohibited steps order to prevent him from removing them from the country without your permission.

Take photocopies of all his finances if you can, bank statements last three months of payslips pensions statement.

Make sure all benefits are under your name, child benefit, tax credits. Also start a CMS claim you don’t need to be divorced to get child maintenance off of him and the process takes forever so I’d do it now.

Move fast before he comes home.