Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

[silverturtle]

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

Just aghast at this. I don't think you'll get anyone of sound mind talking you out of a divorce OP.

If I were inclined to salvage the relationship once I'd woken up and realised I'd been taken for an absolute mug, I'd be working out what I was owed from the past however many years and would insist on receiving it, I'd put that into private savings or investments. He must have thousands stashed away, his mum can swivel as well, you shouldn't be facilitating her reality check.

I'd then either insist on a joint account for all monies or at the very least a 50/50 split on all outgoings.

I would make it crystal clear that it is this or divorce and to facilitate that I would be using the time he is away at his brother's wedding to get copies of bank statements etc. to ensure that I got what was owed to me in either circumstance.

The going to the wedding without you is frankly appalling and another huge problem in your marriage aside from his financial abuse.

OP stop making excuses for him, he is a financial manipulator. he is not a nice guy, he is not a good husband and definately not a good father if you have to bear the brunt of the finances and have to beg a grown ass man for money towards the finances.

Stop making excuses and start making a plan, either he bucks up and starts contributing 50/50 for everything or you split. This is not a healthy environment, you are stressed which will transpire onto your children. You deserve better, your children deserve better.

It is simple either he bucks up or he ships out.

When he get sick home, say to him:
“Glad you had a good time etc. I’m gutted I wasn’t able to come because of money. I’ve sat down to work out why i have so little, and I think the fairest thing to do is to have a joint account. I’ve set one up, we both need to transfer £1500 into it every month. That way we can cover the costs of everything together, and both have money spare. Do you need help setting up a direct debit?”

If his answer is anything other than ‘ok’, you need to LTB as soon as possible.

You paying for everything won’t keep him with you, or stop him cheating you know.

I would do a spread sheet of everything it has cost since he changed his bank account and forgot to set up his direct debit to cover his share of the household cost. Including childcare as they are as much his as they are yours.

I would then workout exactly what I paid for and what he had. I would the tell him, not ask him that he needs to pay 50% of the household cost that you have paid for and that he will set up a monthly direct debit to cover the household/childcare costs going forward. And if he won't then he can find somewhere else to stay.

I suspect he will you the excuses that he buys expensive children presents, that he supports his mum. But none this counts as taking from his children.

You need to protect yourself and the DC.
While he is away, use the opportunity to find out everything you can: bank accounts, NI number, savings, pension, salary, bank statements, proof of all your mortgage payments.
Take copies and keep in a safe place, not anywhere he could find them.
Research a SHL so you are prepared.

You don't have to do anything with it, yet, think of it as insurance.

Then, when he comes back, if you want to try to save your marriage, tell not suggest him that it's a joint account with you each paying £xx into it. If you want you could tell him to pay more to cover all the years he has been a cocklodger, but don't hold your breath!

His reaction to this will show you what to do next. Any thing other than " yes, it's a great idea why didn't we do this ages ago. I'm sorry I've been such a twat" is not acceptable.

If he kicks up a fuss, off to see the SHL and ltb.

I'm sorry OP, but going away like that would be the final straw. What on earth has he told his family?

This is mind boggling if it's real. I am struggling to believe you're serious. You pay for everything apart from the water bill?

WTAF. Fifty fifty is the way it should be. Sit him down, tell him this is the monthly costs, he needs to transfer 50 percent, or go get a divorce.

Personally I'd go straight for the divorce option but then, like the overwhelming majority of women I would not have married someone who would do this to me.

Has he told his family you are staying at home with the kids?

It's quite simple really tell him that finances change and become equal or it's over. Ensure you have collated all your evidence first though

I never say this, but in your situation I would get divorced.

And bluntness - there’s no need for that. Most abusive men do not show their abusive side until well into a marriage.
It’s not the op’s fault she’s in this position. She’s educated and with a well paid job. She’s already thinking - how did I let this happen to me. She doesn’t need people telling her she could have avoided it by not marrying him. She had no way to know he was like this then.

Cant you do some delving while he’s away to see wtf he is actually doing with his salary? How much does he earn?

If you want to stay with him open a joint account and you each put he same amount in each month and all household bills come out of there. I’d also make sure that his name appears on all of the bills too, as currently you appear to be solely responsible for everything.

If you don’t want to stay with him I’d definitely seek legal advice on your rights, as whilst you’ve paid for the majority of the mortgage he would still be entitled to half.

Yes, maybe it was a bit harsh, sorry op.

But do get this sorted, if it's real it really is mind boggling. And shameful on his part.

"At worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way"

^What a bastard. I couldn't stick that op. He's taking the piss big time, such a cocklodger. You'd be better off without him imo, it doesn't sound like you need his money. Make sure you claim maintenence of him though.

He is not “forgetting” , he is doing this on purpose and enjoying his money. He doesn’t know what a partnership is. Sorry OP he is not a good husband. I would either confront him with an ultimatum or to be honest you’d be better off (money wise) with a divorce

I've never read anything quite like this before. How do you even look at him?

Freeloading twat.

I received a copy of a divorce petition with the morning post, accusing me of "unreasonable behaviour" (even the details were given with dates, including very intimate descriptions) and a very aggressive letter from his legal representative asking me to make arrangements to vacate the "Former Marital Home" in a weeks' time, and some sort of a financial questionnaire for the court to fill in. The children's passports and birth certificates are gone from the documents box (first thing I thought about is going back to see my family for a month or so).

I need to think about it. I was almost ready to petition for divorce myself, but somehow this still came as a shock. Last couple of weeks were quite intense and unhappy. Thanks everyone.

Oh my word

The best route would be to throw an absolute fit until he sets up a joint account and a regular payment into it.

Failing that, could you close one or more of the utility accounts - tell him to set up new ones. Having no electricity or gas might focus his mind...you could perhaps make plans to stay elsewhere if needed.

You need a solicitor immediately. You don't go anywhere.

Oh no - I cross-posted and didn’t see you post.

What a shock. Don’t go anywhere.

Oh op, hope that you're OK. Obviously he can't make you leave the house as it's yours to. Go and see and lawyer now. Unfortunately he's probably hidden the money that he's saved but photocopy as much evidence as you can anyway

I don't really understand why do you have to vacate? What is his plans for the kids? What is he saying your unreasonable behaviour was?

You need to see a solicitor fast. 💐

Christ.
You need a shit hot lawyer ASAP.

He’s got no chance of getting the family home if you’ve been paying the mortgage and he hasn’t.