What do you and OH talk about?

[AllIHaveToDo]

I was wondering what you and your other halves talk about? And how much?

My dp has never been great at conversation and I'm actually pretty bored tbh. Been together 6 years, two kids and in the midst of all this I find him boring.

He's never had in-depth conversation about anything ever. His main topics of discussion is his work because he hates his job. I tell him little anecdotes about my day or about random things and he just smiles but never makes conversation. He's not a great listener, you can be in the middle of telling him something and he walks off to do something or he interrupts you with something else where he's got the wrong end of the stick or not got the whole story.

I'm fed up of having little conversation apart from what there is to sort out in the daily grind of life. There's no spark and I don't think there's ever been much of one. I find myself mentally bored looking for stimulation, some debate, something interesting.

He constantly rips me apart for being on MN however it's because you can pretty much discuss anything on this forum and I find it more mentally stimulating than trying to drag a conversation out of him.

Any answers?

As an aside, I know it's wrong but I keep thinking back to an ex I had many moons ago. We used to discuss anything and everything under the sun, I never got tired of his company.

We would talk politics, religion, ethics, about films, books, music, popular culture, science, pretty much any topic. We would laugh at the same stuff, we had loads in common and knew how to make each other laugh.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about him but I compare what I had them to what I have now and I fucking miss it.

How come you got with him?

Work, we have 10-15 mins every day for a ‘debrief’.
We tell eachother pretty much everything, so it’s easy.
News, books, things we learnt...we share it all.
Sometimes we just want silence. That’s fine too :)

Is he preoccupied because he's unhappy? Highlighting this and helping him problem solve so that he could be happier may help him see how to do similarly for you?

My OH and I have fallen into a contented rut of having set times for a catch up, but we're older and I think what we want from a relationship has shifted. Generally speaking, when I get in from work I'm full of the day but don't want to talk about it. I just want to sit out in the garden and listen to the birds, or take a shower or a nap. We do a basic greeting and check in for whether the day was a standard one so that we don't get caught up in the tedium. If one of us goes to the other with something that's really preoccupied us about the day then the other listens. Otherwise our big catch up and chats about other topics are saved for the 2 walks, the occasional car journey or random moment where we've sat down near each other at the same time with nothing else to do. It works well for us. On the flip side we are also the couple who text frequently during the days we're not home together though - not about actual events - we make stuff up that makes us laugh. I sometimes worry that when we're old and demented we will remember these many fake stories and think they were real.

We talk about everything no anything. The kids, our schedules, our plans for the house and garden, our friends, things we've seen on the internet, politics, the news, how we're feeling, decisions to be made, sex, TV shows, you name it.

It must be horrible to feel that your partner isn't interested in anything. Do you think there's a reason? Does he know you would prefer it to be different?

In the beginning he was very talkative, he was fun, he appeared to be larger than life. Got with him and that turned out not to be the case, I think it was kind of a front. Too far gone now, we have kids and everything.

I raised the issue with him last night and his response was 'I have nothing to talk about, all I have is work and kids'

However I don't think we even 'scratched the surface' of knowing each other properly when we got together not through lack of trying on my part. Now I just keep telling myself this is it, this is what I've got to look forward to for the rest of my life because he hasn't discovered the art of conversation.

I share loads of my thoughts with him, funny things, stupid things, serious things. I just get a nod of agreement, maybe a sentence of agreement then..... nothing. He doesn't pique my interests, he never has, he doesn't even go in for deep debate or discussion on anything. I feel like I might as well date a brick wall.

Work, hobbies, our friends and family, our life experiences and memories, music, books, films, politics and current affairs, parenting...... anything and everything!

My DH is one of the most talkative people I’ve ever met. I’m much quieter in general but still chat to him a fair bit each day.

Anything and everything. Normal topics of kids, work, friends, hobbies onto films we're watching, books we're reading, current affairs, friends, cultural stuff, games we're playing together, plans for the future, house decorating, what should we have for dinner, the list is endless! We don't text much though. I find texting restrictive and nothing like a proper face to face discussion.

Always been very conscious of making sure we talk about stuff and do stuff that isn't all based around the children, because when they leave home we don't want there to be a huge hole.

So from what you've all said, my relationship is definitely not normal.

I want to be able to discuss all this stuff, I thought it was standard in a relationship and absolutely normal. He will talk politics from time to time but mainly work.

He hates his job and has recently had a conditional offer of another job which is better pay but it's subject to a vetting process. But when he's not talking about these things he doesn't make an effort with me.

He has a terrible memory, he is useless at remembering information, people, places, events so it doesn't help. We can watch something and I can mention for example one of the actors. Then say, a few months I may mention the actor or something and he won't remember the actor or what he was in etc 😂 but it does get tiring quickly.

He is also older than me so my popular cultural references generally tend to go over his head plus he was brought up in what he would describe as a chaotic busy household where he never had time or space to do his homework let alone anything else. So I guess his has affected the way he sees the world and maybe thinks conversation without a 'point' is useless or it's just a skill he never learned.

I guess my question is where do I go from here? Do I just accept that's how he is ?

plus he was brought up in what he would describe as a chaotic busy household where he never had time or space to do his homework let alone anything else.

Well, this is a very fair description of my household growing up it makes me sad looking back that, while we were very poor, the one thing I was desperate for as a child was not toys etc but a table somewhere quiet I could do my homework at but I adore talking, and all my closest relationships, as well as my marriage, are based around them being people I never get tired of talking to, about anything from politics to books to strange childhood reminiscences.

You say your husband was more talkative when you first got together -- but what was he talking about then? Presumably his cultural references would have been the same, and his memory for detail no less poor...?

He talked about his music career and bands that he liked. We have bought ventured into music at some stage in our lives (he is a songwriter but currently inactive much to his disappointment), I played in a band so we had a common interest. I am a bit of a dork, I like bands, I like to know who the people are in bands and what they play. He isn't like that, mainly as his memory doesn't allow him to commit that stuff to memory. So I can waffle on at length about why I like such and such and he has no idea who or what I'm talking about

He doesn't read a lot apart from news articles on his phone but he says he doesn't like discussing that because it's depressing.

He doesn't really 'get' science or engineering type things. He says he literally has nothing to talk about. I feel like I am boring to the point that when I go out and have to speak to people socially I never know what to talk about as I feel out of practice as weird as that sounds. I used to have so much confidence going out and talking to people I'd never met before about anything. Now I feel crippled with anxiety over the thought of it.

He just doesn't get me fired up or passionate about anything and anything I mention falls flat on its face as he has no enthusiasm for anything I'm interested in. I am so so very bored.

Could you both join a band again or carve out time to play together?

Is he depressed?

Your partner should be your friend as well as your OH/roommate/lover.... you should have loads to talk about.
Me and my OH go through all the usual boring stuff every day, kids, bills, work etc and then spend time talking about tv programmes we’re watching, funny things that have happened and general nonsense!!

We’re still in the pfb stage (even though DS is 3 lol!) so talk about him a lot. Work, houses (we’re moving) and current affairs are quite big topics also. Art and history are common interests. DH would like to talk about cars and I would like to talk about celebs but we’re never going to have a meeting of minds over those topics!

DH was brought up in a family of girls and so makeup and skin routine and the like is also talked about. I think I’m quite lucky in that way.

My experience is that many men just aren't into conversation or chats. My husband was the same....once he had settled into family life and into his work, that was all he had to talk about. Work, work, work. And it was usually moaning, about what he didn't like or what wasn't right or who hadn't done something properly.

I ditched him. I have built up a wide circle of friends who have chats about everything and anything...TV programmes, books we've read, arts, things that are happening in the world (on the news, current affairs, politics even). Also holiday plans, what we think about education, or the NHS or the neighbours next door....you get the idea.

I have watched my friends who have stayed married and most of them say the same as you. Except that I have observed their partners getting even more 'moany' as they get much older.
I think what you report is fairly normal but what you do about it depends on whether you can put up with it or not. You could leave. You could stay and join book clubs/discussion groups and so forth, or you could try to tackle the problem together...but that depends on whether your DH wants to, of course.

I can’t really help OP but my relationship is the same. I get my conversation fix from family and friends and have kind of given up at home

I couldn't tell if he is depressed or not, he doesn't emote at the best of times.

Band thing is a great idea, however we don't get much time for doing stuff together. Nothing seems to make him happy.

He's just walked past me, I'm on my phone, he said 'Mumsnet? Like he disproves. I feel like retaliating 'Well fucking make life more interesting then and maybe I'd get off here and discuss with you my inner-most thoughts!!'

Sorry to hear that Gravy

Would you go to your OH with your biggest worries/ thoughts. Mine is the first person I’d call or talk to- is it the same for you or do you find all topics are not easy??

Tallula - the big stuff is the worst it's hard enough with small talk and silliness. The thought of sharing big stuff makes me feel embarrassed

I’m on Mumsnet for the same reason. It’s sad really.
I’d love to just talk crap with my husband. He did warn me early on that he ‘doesn’t do small talk’ but I thought he was exaggerating as we had plenty to talk about in the getting to know each other stage.

I don't know what to suggest in terms of going forward but can you imagine that this is it for the next 10,20,30 or even more years? If not you've got to decide if you want to be with him. These things are fundamental to a long and happy relationship and if he is going bore you shitless, why settle for that?