What do you and OH talk about?

[AllIHaveToDo]

I was wondering what you and your other halves talk about? And how much?

My dp has never been great at conversation and I'm actually pretty bored tbh. Been together 6 years, two kids and in the midst of all this I find him boring.

He's never had in-depth conversation about anything ever. His main topics of discussion is his work because he hates his job. I tell him little anecdotes about my day or about random things and he just smiles but never makes conversation. He's not a great listener, you can be in the middle of telling him something and he walks off to do something or he interrupts you with something else where he's got the wrong end of the stick or not got the whole story.

I'm fed up of having little conversation apart from what there is to sort out in the daily grind of life. There's no spark and I don't think there's ever been much of one. I find myself mentally bored looking for stimulation, some debate, something interesting.

He constantly rips me apart for being on MN however it's because you can pretty much discuss anything on this forum and I find it more mentally stimulating than trying to drag a conversation out of him.

Good for you, OP! I'm really happy for you. What a relief.

Happier days are in store for you! ☀️

It doesn't feel like it at the moment but we'll see.

My OH doesn't talk either, unless it's about cars. I'd got used, in previous relationships, to random talk about anything and everything, but OH can sit in silence for hours, he finds it 'restful'. I find it 'boring'. So I talk to other people while he stands staring - he literally cannot imagine talking small talk (or even quite large talk) to other people.

I don't live with him. It would kill me.

Oh and he walks ahead of me too! I feel so sad when I see couples walking hand in hand...

But why are you with him, Zaphod? That sounds so miserable for you...?

I can totally relate to this but the difference is dh is trying to address it and wants things to be better between us. As an aside, he’s asked to be assessed for asd (Asperger’s) but I’m worried that the damage is already done :(

Hope you’re okay allihave - has he moved out then? Our dc are similar ages but because dh is trying, I feel I can’t take the leap and cause so much disruption to the kids :(

He's gone back to his mums. He got abusive today verbally but it's typical form for him. I've known all along the relationship wouldn't ever change and he hasn't addressed the issues he needs to work on despite promising numerous times he would do.

Hope your husband can sort his issues out, it's great that he's doing something about it. Good luck

From my experience 3 points;

1. When a person doesnt enjoy their job it can really impact how they feel and act towards family once their home. My DH had a job he hated for a year til her got something new and much better suited to him and it really has a positive affect on mood etc. Also if its better paid he will have less financial stress too hopefully so maybe things will improve there

1. When your EMOTIONALLY disconnected from a relationship you zone out... ofcourse you have STUFF in common you live together, have kids together so there is topics for discussion but he perhaps deep down has zoned out, as have you. People react and display emotions differently. Maybe he sees you on mumsnet and thinks its more important to you than he is.

1. The grass is alwayssss greener on the side. Looking back at past relationships, theres a reason why it didnt work out and your just going through a bit of a bump in the roas after a fair few years

Afterall, men are from mars and women from venue my friend.

Well done on taking the first step to a happier life.

I'm sorry you've been unhappy for 6 years! I really hope your future is filled with interesting, lovely, chatty people :)

What's the cat doing now? Where shall we walk the dogs this weekend? Have you seen the cat? Did you close the drawers under the bed and lock the cat in there? Where's the dogs collar? Where's the cats laser toy gone? Have you fed ? Do you want to take my mums dog out this weekend too? Have you put my sock in the wash or has the cat stolen it? etc etc

(I'm exaggerating we talk about other things too lol)

@BusyBeeMummy1 you have good insight. Maybe he did feel like my being on my phone was more important than him but it was he who was like that when we got together. I couldnt understand why he was taking his time getting to know me properly. Seemed to be a case of he came round to my house then would sit on his phone all the while. In the early days I recall going round to his house to spend time with him and he spent all his time on his computer while I sat in another room on his settee watching a film by myself. He didn't make any effort then expected this fantastic mind-blowing relationship! I used to ask him why he was on his phone so much when we could have been doing stuff together. This was early on in the relationship, and he'd retort with "you just don't like me being on my phone" then he's get nasty. When I'd try and explain my expectations he'd come out with his classic go to line which he must have said over 100 times throughout our relationship which was "you just want me to do everything you say, you want to just roll over and nod my head and agree with you". He went so far as to say this yesterday when I told him I don't feel safe talking about stuff with him. Suffice to say his nasty bastard self appeared and that's when I told him to go and don't bother me any more.

He never bothered with me, never made an effort or took the time to get to know me. If I asked him about himself he didn't really have much to say. I guess the best way I can describe him is he was more like a cardboard cut out of how a person should be. He didn't share his thoughts or feelings and he punished me if I brought it up. So I gave up after our second child was born and started using MN a lot. He was positively disgruntled whenever I went on it. I'll never understand him.

Lustrum - he's ASD and tries to understand. So it's not deliberate, he really doesn't understand how neurotypical people think and believes that how he is is the ONLY POSSIBLE way to be.

He's a lovely guy and I get plenty of interaction with other people. It just sometimes feels like my life is back-to-front!

BusyBees I agree wit your point 2.
However, if someone has emotionally disconnected from the relationhsip, why on earth would you carry on with it?? What is the point?

H is the same and yes I HAVE emotionally disconnected from him. Because HIS emotional disconnection has been so hurtful to me that I didn't really have any other choice than protecting myself and disconnect.
Being on MN or your phone isn't quite the same imo. Disconnection runs much deeper than that. It shows disconnection ALL THE TIME, incl and esp when your partner really needs you/your help/your attention.

AllIHave all I can say is that I wish I was in your position and telling H to leave. Still binding my time and building myself up from illness and ensuring I have some money coming in. My time will come too. It’s no disenheartening and hurtful to live like this.

Tambien, I full understand your predicament. I hope you find the courage and strength to do what you need to do.

It's awful isn't it? It's not up to one single person to fulfil all your needs but they should meet the important ones. My ex was emotionally narrow and stunted almost. He didn't have a broad range of emotions and didn't know how to resonate with a person on a personal level and he took any issue as a direct attack on him and became indignantly and defensive. That was his MO. I couldn't continue living that way although it does hurt now.

As for zoning out, I guess the post I made earlier was that he never really zoned in. When we were first dating he slept around, I found it incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. When he promised to make it up to me and decided to commit to be in a relationship I thought he would be sorry for the shit he put me through but he wasn't and he dealt with it terribly. He didn't seem to think he'd done anything wrong. Hence I don't think he ever zoned in. He was incapable of tuning in to how I was feeling even though he was the direct cause of those feelings.

@AllIHave I really don’t mean this to sound awful but why/how on earth did you get into a relationship with him, move in with him, start a family etc if things were so dire from the very start? I’d have left his house if he sat in the other room after inviting me round, kicked him out of mine if he came round and sat on the phone the whole time!

Maybe it’s worth taking some time to think about why you accepted such shitty behaviour for so long, if only so you demand more in future?

He told me spin and I stupidly believed it as I was lacking in confidence at the time. It's was all a front on his part.

Mumsnet offers a lot of comfort from within a marriage.

Well done OP.x

Think it's a 'man thing'. Sorry to stereotype. But it's generally true.

Develop your interests and conversations elsewhere! Otherwise, you'll go mad...

It didn’t sound like a great partnership and you’ll have happier times ahead.

I don’t think it is a man thing though. My OH is great craic, has an opinion on most subjects, and I love hearing his perspective on situations/events/people. He thinks I am funny and values my insights. He is always the person I chose to spend time with.

I’ve been married for 22 years. He sits in one room (the biggest with the big tv and sky lol) I sit in the other. He eats his meals in there while the rest of us sit in the kitchen. He very very rarely instigates conversation and if he does it’s usually about something to do with saving money ie switching electricity providers. We have nothing in common but the kids. He’s a lot older than me but recently I feel like I’m his mother. Told him today we should split getting frosty treatment now.

Booklover having read a number of threads on here it seems to be a common recurrence of older man, younger woman, and no communication.

I honestly think I'd fare better with a partner who was in my age range. My ex didn't understand anything from my childhood, adolescence etc when I was referencing something. It went over his head every time. I think also the fact he had a weird upbringing didn't help matters and he was definitely emotionally devoid. Things that would elicit an emotional response, it's like the connections weren't there in him. He'd never been brought up learning how to resolve issues in a relationship so he made them worse by shooting his mouth off rather than listening and problem solving. I've thought back to all the arguments we had over the years and how badly he reacted in each and every one of them. I can't imagine any other guy I know behaving that way.