What do you and OH talk about?

[AllIHaveToDo]

I was wondering what you and your other halves talk about? And how much?

My dp has never been great at conversation and I'm actually pretty bored tbh. Been together 6 years, two kids and in the midst of all this I find him boring.

He's never had in-depth conversation about anything ever. His main topics of discussion is his work because he hates his job. I tell him little anecdotes about my day or about random things and he just smiles but never makes conversation. He's not a great listener, you can be in the middle of telling him something and he walks off to do something or he interrupts you with something else where he's got the wrong end of the stick or not got the whole story.

I'm fed up of having little conversation apart from what there is to sort out in the daily grind of life. There's no spark and I don't think there's ever been much of one. I find myself mentally bored looking for stimulation, some debate, something interesting.

He constantly rips me apart for being on MN however it's because you can pretty much discuss anything on this forum and I find it more mentally stimulating than trying to drag a conversation out of him.

That sounds like fun @bionicnemonic. I might suggest that one night this week but I think he wouldn't see the point in it

I don't*

OP I’ve finally separated from my OH and I think it was the lack of stimulating conversation that made me think ‘enough is enough’. I have many friends, male and female, with whom I can talk about anything and everything and this only served to emphasise the lack of connection between OH and I. He would complain about most things I did that didn’t involve me sitting watching him watching tv. Everything he did say seemed to have such negative connotations and I slowly stopped wanting to spend time with him. I tried hard to get him to talk. He admitted he was depressed and eventually saw his GP and got professional help. It took a long time for him to accept we were no longer compatible and we separated amicably at the beginning of this year. He seems happier now and is socialising a bit more. I think he was unhappy too and I was the brave one who made us talk about it. It’s tough but happiness is something you both deserve a crack at.

Possibly a terrible suggestion, but I read about these questions a few years ago in the NY Times - I think the idea was that they were a test as to whether people were compatible/a way to start people who might want to be a couple talking about interesting things.

Link is here: www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

We talk about anything and everything, from the really academic and abstract to the really low brow. I do think we've struggled from time to time due to tiredness and overwork, we recently banned phones from the bedroom which means we talk more at night. I think he's my favourite and most interesting conversationalist, though, and I would feel sad not to have that in a relationship.

Give us an example of a question you might ask. Ie. If you said, 'wow, look at what happened in Ireland with the abortion vote, that makes me feel...'

What would his obvious response be? X

In regards to that question, it's possible that he may not have kept up with that so it' s probable he won't know what I'm talking about.

If he had read/heard about it he's not mentioned it to me. Then again I've not mentioned it either.

If I was to ask him and he knew about it he'd probably respond with 'I think is a good thing' and leave it at that. His mum is a) Irish and b) devout catholic along with his dad. Dp is more open-minded but he probably wouldn't want a deep conversation on that particular topic....

I've talked about what I'd like to do in the future when the kids are older in terms of my career. He just goes along with it and says 'yeah sounds good' but then doesn't really say much more. I don't feel like we are a team at all.

Try a less controversial topic then - any of the top ten news articles on the bbc news app, for example? DP said to me earlier “wow, have you seen what Trump’s lawyer said about the Russia stuff?” We then had a brief conversation about what a twat Trump was, even though I hadn’t read that particular story yet.

Or how about, when he asks “Mumsnet again?”; say something like “yes, there’s currently a discussion about lemon drizzle flavoured Pom bears, how weird is that! Remember when we saw that rhubarb and custard flavoured Jaffa cake in Waitrose?”

If he doesn’t engage, then I get it’s a pain; but just to say - DP and I have some lovely in depth discussions about politics etc; but we also chat a lot of shit I’ve deliberately kept watching a box set on Netflix with him even though I’m bored of it, because then we’ll have discussions about the show: “ooh; I bet that bloke we’ve just seen will turn out to be the creature/ooh, who’s that actress? Wasn’t she in that other show?/Oh what a surprise, those two have started snogging”

Getoffthetable you have described my DH there too. Op you're not alone with this but I wish I knew the answer.

I understand where you are coming from op. I started a similar thread recently.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3263071-DH-won-t-talk-about-anything

There seem to be a few us feeling this way.

Not sure how to help though. Does he have more meaningful conversations with anyone else or is he the same with everyone?

I almost have the opposite problem, because my husband rambles on endlessly (as my early example demonstrates) and it can be a bit annoying if I'm trying to read or listen to something. He gets annoyed if I don't respond very much, and doesn't seem to understand the concept of a companionable silence.

Do you watch tv together? Any number of topics come up, if so. Drama, comedy, filth, horror etc. Can you start a chat from that? X

... he's just gone from talking about some bees he saw while out with the dog, to Michael Fish's gaffe in relation to the hurricanes of 1987, to the behaviour of killer sharks in the space of 20 minutes.

Mine doesn't watch any tv other than sport. Well other than maybe xfactor or bgt which I can watch but not keen on. I much prefer a good comedy or drama but he just will not watch one. He'll sit and mess about on his phone on social media etc. Drives me mad.

I was all set to tell you but I think there isn’t a need now - you already know it’s not ok for you. No real suggestions but just wanted to say I’m sorry this is happening. My dad isn’t a great talker In terms of emotions etc but he does love a rant about politics or an argument about local issues! So I grew up kind of thinking that was normal and now will rant frequently about unreasonable people, Trump, Brexit, local road closures, etc etc.

Same here.
We are seated in the same room again wo a word since the dcs have gone to bed. Not another word will be changed until 10.00pm when I go to bed.
And yes it is soul destroying. And one of the (many) reasons why this relationship isn’t going to last.

Wow just read your thread OP, it sounds very similar to my situation.

With his mates and my dad he can for ages about useless crap and politics. We have discussed politics in the past but it's becoming less frequent now as it depresses him.

We do watch things on Netflix and I will make the odd comment when watching, usually something daft. He just stares at the screen and doesn't register I've said anything even though I'm right next to him. He'll just carry on watching in his own oblivious bubble. Fair enough I suppose if he's engrossed but it's every time he watches something - nothing, not even the kids saying 'Daddy' tying to gain his attention will make him take his eyes off the screen for a minute to hear what they want to tell him. They are only 5 and 2. He ignores them a lot day to day, for instance if he's on his phone or doing something, they can be saying 'Daddy, Daddy' whilst he blissfully ignores them and doesn't respond. I usually have to say 'Ds1 wants to tell you something' to get him to listen to them.

Op your dp sounds depressed. Saying that my dh suffers with depression and we have constant chat. We are on holidays at the moment. A full week with just us. And its been great. We both like silence and reading but for long walks, dinner every night we chat. Sometimes its about family work friends politics funny stuff online etc. We also like to chat about how we met, our early days together our childhood his boarding school how our parents died..we talk over that as it helps us both as we lost them all in last while.
Wonder would your dh get tested for depression?

Over this weekend

Bamboo plants
Maple trees
How I will haggle for a discount
His works schedule
His preference for a fry up
A Game of Thrones episode
DS behaviour
The game I'm playing on my console
Recycling
Gareth Southgate and Euro 96
Out of date salmon and the risk
Garden furniture purchase
His personal best on a 5k run this weekend
Walking as exercise
People running for buses
Two ronnies script being sold for 48k
Bike maintenance
Him being ticklish
My feet aching

That's what I remember, quite a bit I suppose.

I’m sorry op, sounds like you are living in a rut. You can have more. My hubby and me sometimes have silence but we also chat rubbish, it’s one of the things I love about him. No matter how unintelligent it can be sometimes. You need to move on, having children doesn’t mean you can’t both be parents even when apart. But you can have the opportunity to meet someone else someday

It so wrong but I dream about meeting someone new who I can share my life with. Someone who 'gets' me. The thing that makes it harder is the fact that dp has never really been 'interested' in me. I used to tell him this in the early days, like I didn't feel he was all that interested in getting to know me, it just felt like he wanted a relationship for a relationships sake! He used to look at me like I head three heads and come out with such gems as 'I don't know what you mean' followed by 'yeah we'll get to know each other over time' but I have pointed out to him since that he never took the time and it shows!

I have loads of interests that i would like to pursue if I had more spare time and I have good friends who I go out with probably once a month or every couple of months. I have a job in an interesting (to me) field. But he doesn't seem to find 'me' as a person interesting at all, though he generally doesn't find anyone interesting even if they have a wealth of experiences or have done interesting things.

When we got together I thought the sun shone out of his backside, but that soon changed after we got together as it just didn't sit right with me. Once the initial dating stage passed it was almost straight into a rut. I sound entitled but he doesn't make me feel special, he makes me feel like he couldn't care less if we were together or not, I kind of get the impression that if I had a completely different personality type he'd 'settle' for that as he's just not bothered about the person underneath.

I have a really good sense of humour, a lot of interests and things I like to talk about, I have a thirst for knowledge and I love meeting people and being with fun people. Living with him I feel none of these things, he's just not interested. Sorry for the rant.

No need to apologise that's what we're near for to listen and advise. I feel very similar actually although he is interested in some conversations just not engaging and lots of other issues too. How old are you op? Surely you know you can't go on like this! Easier said than done i know !!

I'm early 30s User. Feel like I'm wasting my life.

Thanks for your kind words.

After your last post OP. Seems it's time for you to make a plan and try and move forward. This has been going on for six years now. Sounds like you're flogging a dead horse.