What do you and OH talk about?

[AllIHaveToDo]

I was wondering what you and your other halves talk about? And how much?

My dp has never been great at conversation and I'm actually pretty bored tbh. Been together 6 years, two kids and in the midst of all this I find him boring.

He's never had in-depth conversation about anything ever. His main topics of discussion is his work because he hates his job. I tell him little anecdotes about my day or about random things and he just smiles but never makes conversation. He's not a great listener, you can be in the middle of telling him something and he walks off to do something or he interrupts you with something else where he's got the wrong end of the stick or not got the whole story.

I'm fed up of having little conversation apart from what there is to sort out in the daily grind of life. There's no spark and I don't think there's ever been much of one. I find myself mentally bored looking for stimulation, some debate, something interesting.

He constantly rips me apart for being on MN however it's because you can pretty much discuss anything on this forum and I find it more mentally stimulating than trying to drag a conversation out of him.

DH is my best friend as well as my husband. We chat all the time about anything and everything.

I am very much a talker and DH isn't far behind me. We are both the sort of people who will start chatting to the supermarket cashier or someone on the bus/train.

We talk about music, films (we both love going to the cinema), places we want to visit (we love castles, stately homes, gardens), places we want to go on holiday, holidays we have had, our dogs (existing and previous ones), books, tv, things on the news, his work, what we are going to cook/eat (we both love cooking) - the list is endless.

We also have quite a few silly conversations. We have nicknames for some of our neighbours (not nasty ones) and he makes me cry with laughter with some of the things he says and silly stories he makes up, Sounds incredibly stupid written down and hard to explain but I find it hilarious

Op. This is exactly me, I could have written it. See my post, it's caked is my marriage over? I feel the same re other people sometimes too, I feel I've lost the art of conversation due to our silence and worry if this is how it will always be. I feel quite alone.

Called not caked!!

I couldn't find the thread @falsesmile

How are you getting on?

Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you what we speak about! At home we always have things to say to one another, even if it’s just nonsense, but mainly I would say it’s about our daughter, our day, work, if anything has happened with friends, sport, things in the news....

When we go on dates which is quite regularly we talk about our daughter (I know, we tried to add a rule that we don’t, but we can’t help it), we like to people watch as well, we talk about what we want to achieve in the next 6/12 months 5/6/10 years, plan our next holidays, lots of things really.

Sometimes we don’t have anything to say to one another and as others have said, that’s fine too. I have noticed recently when on double dates etc how open our friends are about things that happen in their relationship compared to us, we tend to be quite private, particularly my DH, and we will only really add something to those conversations where we have experienced the same.

What is he like when you go for dinner together or spend time with your mutual friends or when you are together at social events?

On social events with each other he mainly talks to his friends and I talk to other people. We haven't had a date in a looong time, so I can't recall what we talked about the last time that happened.

He doesn't relate to anything I'm saying and he doesn't tend to pick up on body language etc.

In fact thinking about it, the last time we went out together (probably January 2017) I met this lovely lady who struck up conversation with me. She was a really bubbly woman, early 50's and we got on well. She told me she was a cancer survivor and she talked about what she'd been through and how she was determined to love life to the fullest.

She ended up sitting next to us in the pub with her friends and she then struck up conversation with dp. She told him about beating cancer and he started telling her she should Buy this book, it will help minimise your chances of getting it by eating a certain diet.

She clearly told him she wasn't interested in any self help books. But he carried on at her and he was going on about it. I could see it was bothering her but he wouldn't shut up trying to persuade her to buy it. I could feel how uncomfortable she was with what he was telling her. Her experiences of what she went through are her own and i respect that. In the end she said something like 'well since you really want to tell me about this book then go ahead' but I could tell she was being sarcastic. So he did! I felt like I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.

When he went to the bar, I made apologies for him. It was utterly cringe-worthy. I felt sorry for her.

He's utterly crap at reading people.

You don't like him much any more, do you?

I'm fed up with him.

The dog, tv, food, stuff from the telly, what our friends/family have been up to, what we’ll spend the money on when we win the lottery, work, holidays, random scenarios I’ve made up in my head and put to him etc etc. Mostly the dog.

He likes to rant about work at me for extended periods, I’ve learned to let him get on with it and then when it’s out of his system we can have a proper conversation.

@AllIHaveToDo you do sound really unhappy, what are the things you do get out of the relationship? Are there still positives?

I genuinely don’t believe you can get everything you need from one person, but you need to get most of what you need, or at least a lot of it if that makes sense? Are you getting other things from this marriage?

Politics
Religion
The people around us
The future
The kids (endless source of entertainment)
Current affairs
Historical affairs
Things to do on Saturday
What to have for dinner
His MMA training
My CrossFit training
Gardening
Education
Television

Yep I get you.
H has taken his whole ‘not talking’ to also include things that are important ( like not telling me about changing his plans for the weekend) or refusing to engage in any conversations about any future plans (eg holidays).
So I’ve stopped talking too.
And I’ve slowly realised that actually, it doesn’t change a thing because he has never shared anything that is truly personal. Not his feelings, not his hopes, not his ideas about the dcs etc...

One partner cannot be everything for you. But I’ve come to the conclusion that there are some levels of incompatibility that make a relationship not worth it. If he brings very little to your life, because of his lack of discussion etc.. then i think there is a point when you need to reassess and see if you wouldnt be better wo him(or you might not be worse but have the option to make it better iyswim)

I could have written that @Tambien

• H has taken his whole ‘not talking’ to also include things that are important ( like not telling me about changing his plans for the weekend) or refusing to engage in any conversations about any future plans (eg holidays). So I’ve stopped talking too. And I’ve slowly realised that actually, it doesn’t change a thing because he has never shared anything that is truly personal. Not his feelings, not his hopes, not his ideas about the dcs etc...*

Yes! Yes, especially the making plans! He never tells when he has something planned. He either scoots off last minute or drops it on me last minute. He's often late to events we've pre-agreed. He changes plans on me last minute so I end up hanging around waiting or having to juggle my life around (not easy with the kids). He isn't forthcoming with feelings, hopes etc as you say. It's frustrating because he expects me to be the same but that's not me. He asked me why I'm making a deal out of it.

There aren't many positives if I'm honest. It's doomed. He would happily sit in a bubble on his phone for the rest of his god damn days. If we go anywhere it's me who suggests it. If we watch something, it's me who suggests it. If we play a game it's cos I've said I'd like to.
I would love him to say 'hey, you fancy watching such and such with me?'. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of mutually sharing stuff with a partner? It's so one-sided, he just goes along with everything and when he's not doing that he's wrapped up in his phone.

That's really sad OP. Do you think it would be worth arranging some date nights where he would be forced to talk and you could hopefully start to reconnect? Or maybe even try counselling? Or do you think things are past the point of no return?

My DP can be a bit crap with talking about important stuff going on with him (things that are bothering him etc),but he's always there to talk me through any problems I have and we generally have lots to talk about (although I definitely talk more than him). He can be quiet on long car journeys or when he's in the mood to just chill and I find that difficult sometimes, because I'm a talker. On nights out or in social situations, he's very attentive and chatty and if he wasn't that would be a problem. I always see those couple out having a nice dinner who aren't talking and that just wouldn't work for me at all.

When I dated my DH, he was the chattiest man I'd ever met. His texts were 3 pages long, he'd chat really animatedly through every date... he used to tell me he was shy and quiet and I'd think he was insane.

We're now married. He's really quiet! When we see my family, he just sits there. Not grumpily, just slightly reserved?

It does occasionally piss me off. But now I mercilessly drag him into conversations. When he talks, he's hilarious, intelligent and has a really lovely take on things. It just needs coaxing.

I love him so I'm not going to ditch him, but I feel your pain. When I say something particularly brilliant/funny and get no reaction, I could kick him.

I see more of my friends now. I think DH is an introvert and "recharges" in silence. I get my energy from interaction.

I've seen lovely couples - long-married, very happy - that are made up of a chatty, bubbly wife and a silent man. I feel it's a better combination than vice versa.

But to be honest, you sound resentful and lonely and unloved, so it's probably on the out. 🙁 I'm really sorry.

we talk about anything and nothing - i would be having a bad day and talking to him about whats for dinner would make me feel better. Is there anything you have in common with? Music? Tv series? Hobbies? I he an introvert and has always been like this?

Well I raised the issue with him. Queue blazing row! He's so fucking petty. He acts like I'm talking another language then takes the piss out of me for daring to talk about it. He mocks me for it.

I explained to him communication is good for building up trust. I guess I just want to feel loved and worthy. He just takes it as an affront if I mention anything and bites my head off. He's never been any different. I've had enough. I'm sick of trying to salvage something where he clearly isn't capable of finding a resolution even when I say what the resolution would be. He says things like 'oh so you expect me to bow down to everything you want?'. A relationship shouldn't be like that, and no I don't expect that from him. I expect to to understand my concerns and take them on board and meet me half way. He really doesn't give a shit.

What more is there to do? We were limping on by a thread anyway. I don't want to upset the kids but I can't go on being with a man who honestly couldn't care less how I feel. He doesn't speak to my heart, he just fired argument after argument at me. I've told him many a time that's not the way to solve an issue but he reverts to type every time.

Everything and anything. We have separate interests so don't live in each other's pockets, which I think helps. DH is a Mason and a Buff. We never run out of things to say and enjoy at least one childfree meal out per week. Our children are 22, 13 and 11.

I meant to say in my previous post that we have been married almost 40 years.

When I was young I used to look at my nan and grandad who had, at that time, been married for around 40 years and wonder how after so long you could possibly have anything to talk about.

Suffice to say I've ended it. The straw that broke the camels back. He doesn't care which tells me everything I need to know.

Good for you OP. Sounds like it's been a long time coming. Best wishes.

Thanks. More bothered about my kids to be honest.

We talk about
The kids
DP 's business and the days events
What friends are up to ( not their secrets or anything personal just things like Bib and Sue are going to Cardiff .........
Films we fancy seeing
New music we've heard
Stuff in the news
Politics
Gigs we fancy going to.
The sports we follow
Planning trips
Receipes we fancy trying.

All sorts of random stuff really.
There's always something going on.

AllIHaveToDo - I think you're right to end it. I was in a similar situation with my ExH. He just wouldn't communicate about anything except household stuff and our son. When we went out he'd walk ahead of us and not talk. He wouldn't talk in the car, at home, anywhere. If we watched something together, it was 'ok' - nothing more, no thoughts on anything. It got to the point where we did nothing together and I would just say 'I'm going out' and he'd say 'ok' - wouldn't ask where, with who, anything. He mentioned once or twice about when we 'retire' and my blood ran cold thinking about us together that long.

So I broke up with him and I'm now with someone who I can talk to about everything and is as chatty as fuck and I'm very very very happy. My DS is fine - I actually think splitting up has improved exH's parenting as he has to do it on his own.

Best of luck!

@TheBeastAwakens wasn't the same guy as my ex was it

The amount of fall outs my ex would have with me cos he couldn't understand why him walk-in ahead of me was an issue. A lot of the times I'd be walking slow with a toddler plus newborn in pram. My youngest is only 2 now so again I do walk slow with him. Partner would always steam roll ahead leaving me keeping a lookout for my kids safety at roads etc.

When it was on the rare occasion it was just the two of us out walking, the same thing again, he walked ahead. I'm not as fast as him. I'd see couples holding hands and talking or enjoying each other's company just strolling along together and I'd wonder what was wrong with me. Ex used to say 'I just walk fast I can't help it' but then I'd always point it that I naturally walk faster than my disabled mum but when I'm out with her I slow down so I can hold a conversation with her. He couldn't understand this and I got sick of trying to explain.