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Original poster

He finally admitted it

121 replies

Help18 · 01/06/2018 14:42

Hi, I’m new to this but really looking for some outside perspective. Been with my husband 7 years, married 3. We both had kids when we got together and have gone on to have more together. For the first 5 years I would always catch him out messaging other females flirting with them. Always got the usual “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, I understand how it makes you feel” he wouldn’t however agree that it was cheating as cheating to him is only physical. Two years ago I was having thee worst pregnancy ever, saw a message to who I can only describe as a child, she was only 19, he told her he couldn’t wait to see her tonight, told me he was staying at his mums as it made it easier for an early start work the next morning, I caught him out on it and for two years he denied anything ever happened. Since then he’s really changed, so open, doesn’t hide anything, treats me so well, just how I always felt it should be like. I couldn’t shake the feeling something happened though and a couple weeks ago I asked him again, he admitted he slept with her and I made him give all details, for the first time I genuinely see he’s telling the truth and that he is sorry, I love him and want to make it work but am I being a fool to do this? Spoken to family about it and they’ve all said it’s worth working through it with just how much he’s changed but I’m stuck at the moment, sorry for the long post, I actually shortened it too!

OP posts:
PsychoPumpkin · 01/06/2018 14:45

He might have changed but do you trust him?

I’m a very black and white type of person and when I found out my eldest’s father had cheated he was gone the same day, no second chance. I just knew that I might be able to forgive but I’d never be able to forget and the lack of trust would make us both miserable.

BetaCarotene · 01/06/2018 14:46

I'm with psycho

Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 14:47

That’s the thing that has me stuck, for the last day year I had completely trusted him and he’s gave me no other reason to not trust him, this was before the change in him but I guess it’s just taken all my previous feeling of mistrust into the present

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 01/06/2018 14:51

Personally, I'm a one strike and your out person when it comes to infidelity. However, everyone has to make their own decisions and if you are prepared to forgive and forget that is your choice. What I would question though is how he went from someone who, by the sounds of it, was up for sticking his dick in anything with a pulse, to a paragon of virtue. How are you so sure that this "change" of his is genuine and he's just not got better at covering his tracks?

nibblingandbiting · 01/06/2018 14:52

I don’t know why you are with him. He knew you didn’t like it and continued to disrespect you by continuously flirt with females. Once a partner says they don’t like this you stop. You don’t continue. And for what to see what else is available? That’s what I flirt for and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Well I’m not. That was his end goal. He flirted and cheated. How many times has he gotten away with it? The only reason he has admitted finally after 2 years is because he cannot keep up the charade. He should have admitted it back then,
Well he shouldn’t have done it but that cannot be changed.

I wouldn’t be with him. But tbph I would have dumped his ass years ago when he continued with the flirting.

PsychoPumpkin · 01/06/2018 14:54

This other woman was playing on your mind all that time though, until you got him to admit it. Does it feel like a weight lifted and that you can now move on?

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 14:56

I know, I do feel like a complete fool at times but for some reason I stayed, I think I kept hoping the person I knew would come back, we’ve been to a couple counselling sessions where he’s admitted his faults. He admitted it as he said he saw something in me that he hadn’t ever seen, he knew I was broken and the funny thing is that day if he denied it I was ready to leave, I’m so confused right now as my heart says stay but my head says leave now

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 01/06/2018 14:57

Flowersfor you op.
Some relationships survive an affair,some don't.You have to decide if you can trust someone who has been unfaithful in your first year of marriage?and who has lied to you for over two years.
I appreciate having a family of children involved makes it so much harder.
But you have to be happy too.Do what you feel is right and best for you.

Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 14:57

Yes it’s actually been a relief in a way, I just knew deep down and I’ve always trusted my gut feelings, I can remember the exact feeling he admitted it and I didn’t cry or shout, I actually felt calm which I found strange

OP posts:
Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 14:58

I’ve never stayed in a relationship for my kids, I actually left one for them, he’s such a good dad to them all and I (maybe naively) think he has come to realise finally just what’s at stake here, it’s not just my life or his, there’s a lot of us

OP posts:
PsychoPumpkin · 01/06/2018 15:01

Maybe becaus you've always known in your heart that he had slept with the 19 year old? The relief of actually knowing for sure and everything being out in the open?

I think what it boils down to is, are you going to want to check his phone? If he’s an hour late from work will your mind jump to ‘who’s he with?’ Etc? If you think you might feel those things then leave, because a relationship is nothing without trust.

If you can put this behind you and trust him then stay.

Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 15:05

I’ve had zero feeling to check his phone or anything, it was about two years ago he changed his passwords but wrote them down and stuck them on the notice board, he stopped hiding anything, after this came out and I re questioned him about dumb lies I knew he had told me in the past and saw how easily he told me things I know I can trust him still. I used to live that life of feeling the need to check and it was not nice, I genuinely trust him even after his admission

OP posts:
cjt110 · 01/06/2018 15:12

Two years ago I was having thee worst pregnancy ever You were pregnant when he got his end away with someone you describe as a child, and kept this to himself for all this time.... NO chance

SharpieHorder · 01/06/2018 15:13

OH has lied to you before, what makes you think you have the whole story now?

sunnydaynoworking · 01/06/2018 15:14

He is at best a serial flirter and quite likely a serial cheater. But you have accepted it up to now so perhaps you can accept this too? If you think he really has changed. But will you forgive him next time too?

Fatball · 01/06/2018 15:15

You have very low standards. Of course you’ll never be able to trust him. He’s just got better at hiding stuff.

Juells · 01/06/2018 15:16

I'd certainly give him another chance, because I'm not a jealous person, and I'm pretty laid back. So... my ex screwed around all over the place while I forgave and forgot the affair I'd found out about Grin

Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 15:17

I believe he is telling the whole truth now because I could see how painful it was for him too having to admit to everything, literally asked for every detail, in the past if he was lying his answers would change as he’s not that clever, this time I can ask a million questions in different ways and he is looking me in the eyes and giving the same answers. If I was to forgive him I have already told him the absolute rules but they are the simple things like honesty, faithfulness etc which I’ve been getting for the last two years anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 15:19

When I say I’ve been getting honesty for last two years I don’t mean about this, everything else yes, at the Counselling he said he knew he messed up and was so scared of losing his family which is why he had lied about it this long until he knew I just couldn’t take it and didn’t deserve it

OP posts:
Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 15:20

That’s the thing, I do trust him and have for I’d say the last year maybe more completely

OP posts:
MinorRSole · 01/06/2018 15:21

He was texting/flirting from the start. You've accepted that and now accepting the cheating. He won't stop, ever. He shouldn't need to be told you don't like it, he just shouldn't be doing it. Have you done it? I'm going to guess you haven't and that he has never had to say "i would really rather you didn't cheat on me"

Stay if you want to but he hasn't changed

Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 15:22

No I’ve neber cheated, never would, the counsellor said he’s suffered with low self esteem so things like that made him feel better, I don’t think that’s an excuse at all though

OP posts:
rightknockered · 01/06/2018 15:28

My ex would look me in the eye and lie, it means nothing. He flirted with women in front of me and swore that was all it was. They just get better at hiding it, at least ime.
I think there is a reason he is able to admit it after all this time. I think because there have been others and he has recently decided to turn over a new leaf. I would keep digging OP

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 01/06/2018 15:28

He may have changed but regardless could you trust him staying away?

What if he smiles at his phone - could it be another woman he's slept with.

What about if he's laughing at you because you forgave him?

What if it's a green light to do it again to him?

If he was an 18/19 year old boy in his first relationship and fot drunk at a party a few months in I could see why forgiving him would seem reasonable.

But he continues to text woman even though he knows it hurts you. I assume you mean sexual stuff not just asking how Lisa is doing - even though he knows it deeply hurt you.

He either doesn't respect you and is hiding it well or he's trying to be a better person but it's clearly not just for your benefit.

I'm sorry but I really wouldn't. Perhaps if he owned up the next day you could muster respect but it's only years later he confesses when presumably he feels it's safe to do so.

Respect yourself OP.

Would you treat him this way? Would you expect him to forgive this from you?

If the answer is no then you should only speak to him regarding the children and allow him to work on himself.

Stinkachoo · 01/06/2018 15:29

After being in a similar situation in the past, I would say, it wasn't just about the trust. I had reason to believe my OH had changed and I could have worked on the trust. But I lost respect that a 36 year old had behaved inappropriately with a girl who although legal wasnt much more than a child - especially as we both have DDs of our own who will no doubt, in the not too distant future, be fending off, being taken advantage of or misguidedly shagging sleaze buckets like him.

That's what drove the nail in the coffin