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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He finally admitted it

121 replies

Help18 · 01/06/2018 14:42

Hi, I’m new to this but really looking for some outside perspective. Been with my husband 7 years, married 3. We both had kids when we got together and have gone on to have more together. For the first 5 years I would always catch him out messaging other females flirting with them. Always got the usual “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, I understand how it makes you feel” he wouldn’t however agree that it was cheating as cheating to him is only physical. Two years ago I was having thee worst pregnancy ever, saw a message to who I can only describe as a child, she was only 19, he told her he couldn’t wait to see her tonight, told me he was staying at his mums as it made it easier for an early start work the next morning, I caught him out on it and for two years he denied anything ever happened. Since then he’s really changed, so open, doesn’t hide anything, treats me so well, just how I always felt it should be like. I couldn’t shake the feeling something happened though and a couple weeks ago I asked him again, he admitted he slept with her and I made him give all details, for the first time I genuinely see he’s telling the truth and that he is sorry, I love him and want to make it work but am I being a fool to do this? Spoken to family about it and they’ve all said it’s worth working through it with just how much he’s changed but I’m stuck at the moment, sorry for the long post, I actually shortened it too!

OP posts:
Geordiegirl1988 · 01/06/2018 16:16

Why has he suddenly started being so honest and open ? SORRY I couldn't forgive him for shagging a 19 year old whilst you were carrying his child . It's your choice though but if you forgive him he may think he can do it again ? Good luck op

Juells · 01/06/2018 16:18

I did however tell her it was just her fault and that she had no loyalty to me but it was still not ok, I’m not a harsh person but a reasonable one, she added me to some group chat with her friends where they all ripped into me,

I give up

Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 16:19

Just realised what I wrote, I told her it wasn’t just her fault; as in she had a part to play in it but the majority of the blame lays on him

OP posts:
SevenStones · 01/06/2018 16:19

Hello OP,

Reading this thread, everything you've said so far sounds like you're trying to find justifications for his behaviour, and there are none in my opinion.

Sorry, but he wouldn't be getting any more chances from me. I'm with all the others who say something has made him fess up, and it won't be the end of his cheating because you've forgiven it for so long, it'll only be a matter of time before he's at it again - I predict it'll be when he's back in the house, he's convinced you he's changed and your lives are continuing as they did in the past.

Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 16:21

He’s not been suddenly sorry, last two years he’s been different and he says it was ever since this happened

OP posts:
Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 16:21

Our lives will never continue as they have been if we stay together; that’s a given, it would have to be a fresh start

OP posts:
Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 16:22

I’m definitely not trying to justify his behaviour, I wouldn’t even dare, just looking to see if anyone has been in same position and worked things out for the better or if things hadn’t changed

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/06/2018 16:25

He will say whatever you want to hear, to get back in.
He is a cheat, what on earth makes you think that he won't cheat again in the future ..... he is only 30 yrs old.
I think you'll take him back though, that's your choice.

Orangecake123 · 01/06/2018 16:26

For me trust is like a mirror. Once it's broken you could still fix it back together but you'd see the cracks.

It's bad enough he cheated, but you were pregnant at the time.

You deserve so much better.

HollyGibney · 01/06/2018 16:28

I think in the not too distant future you'll feel very angry with him about his years of lying and grow to resent and despise him. At the moment you're relieved and the not knowing has been laid to rest. That will wear off and you'll realise what a sly lying shit bag you're married to.

kateandme · 01/06/2018 16:30

hes an adult she a 19 year old girl he could quite easily have made it clear to back the hell off!sorry im now reverting way to him being a dick and why are you believing or being supportive of such a lame ass excuse.

ciderhouserules · 01/06/2018 16:30

she is far from innocent, spoke to her own dad who said it was not the first or even second time she had gone with a married man - you are blaming her. And the previous 'flirty' one - they all came on to him, golden dick that he is.

SHE has no loyalty to you. HE does. SHE should not be responsible for your relationship - HE is. SHE can shag who she likes - it's up to, errr, HIM to say no, to walk away, to NOT SHAG HER!

Other women do not need to police your relationship.

Stop blaming every other woman on earth and start blaming him. He is the one who is supposed to love and respect you and your relationship, and I don't see much of either. He's just gone underground.

And he will do it again, unless there are consequences.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 01/06/2018 16:34

How old are you OP? How often does your DH see his other kids?

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2018 16:34

Oh god he was shagging this 19 year old when you were pregnant? His friends daughter? Sending her texts saying how excited he was to see her? I'd assume this was more than once if I was you. So doubt he's been honest. He's admitted to the minimum he thinks he can get away with.

kateandme · 01/06/2018 16:35

so what of her choices.she will feel the downfall in that in her own relationships.but your dp didn't need to be one of them.he chose he very much chose to be with her.she didn't put a spell on him like she has with all these other men.the other men were just a knob headed agasint their own spouses to go with her.
she hasn't bewitched these men.theyve gone with her.both to blame.no excuses.

notanurse2017 · 01/06/2018 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bouledeneige · 01/06/2018 16:41

Well OP. You must know there are better men out there, decent honest men, who have integrity, who do not need to be told that flirting hurts the partner you love and that there's nothing harmless about messaging a teenager and then sleeping with her. He is not someone who actually honours or respects his pregnant partner, who is open and honest, or worthy. He just sounds weak and selfish. His idea of the truth has been reluctantly dragged out of him two years later. And why is he being honest now? What else is going on?

I'm afraid you sound naive to imagine that this man will be a faithful, honest and reliable partner by your side for the rest of your life. Its not a fate I'd want for myself or anyone else I cared for. I'm just wondering why you think this is all you deserve.

As for allowing yourself to be added to a groupchat by that girl and being attacked by her friends I can only imagine you are suffering from low self esteem and dont know that you can expect far better from people.

Be careful. If you care for your children which I'm sure you do, you are modelling behaviour that suggests very low expectations about how other people should treat you.

nibblingandbiting · 01/06/2018 17:13

At the end of the day of these guys could keep it their pants the 19 year old wouldn’t be fucking them.
They could have ignored her. But they didn’t.

KioraAdora · 01/06/2018 17:19

It would be a no from me. I think forgiveness is like giving him a free pass to make a mug out of you in the future.

I would probably forgive him for forgetting my birthday, but definately not for shagging a teenager plus then denying it.

kateandme · 01/06/2018 17:20

oh and you say he stopped once he did it.you mean he flirted for years,finally got his leg over and so basically achieved the end result and can now come back to you and having a respectful relationship.

RyvitaBrevis · 01/06/2018 17:33

Going against the grain here, but I don’t think you would be wrong or crazy to give him another chance for the sake of the DCs, and also for the sake of the marriage, if you believe he is genuine in asking for forgiveness. The fact that he is willing to go to counselling means something, at least.

ciderhouserules · 01/06/2018 17:36

OP - you want to move on, to have a meaningful relationship with him now that he's 'confessed' and it's all out in the open?

It can be done, but it's hard. And most women (as shown on here) would be unable to forgive, much less forget. He needs to do everything he can to regain your trust - it's not something that can be jsut handed over. He needs to go to counselling, to be open about taking the blame (because it's HIS FAULT!) and to accept that ultimately, you may, in the future, decide that you cannot get past this. It's not up to him what happens now - you need to take your time and think it over.

And be strong! Whatever happens, you must face either being with him or being alone. Whatever happens, don't be afraid of being alone.
Being alone is better that staying just because you are afraid to do otherwise.

Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 17:47

So sorry, have a spare window of peace again! I’m same age as he is, we get his kids every second weekend, once during the week and holidays, I know there are better men from the beginning but I also know people can make dumb mistakes and be genuinely sorry which I believe of him now, I’m not being supportive of him or his choices but I do like to look at things from both sides and no I do not for one minute condone any of his behaviour, in the past he was very quick to ask me to just drop things and move past them, this time however he keeps telling me to take my time, that it is up to him to show me but ultimately it’s my choice, even if two years down the line I can’t get past it and want to end it he will respect that

OP posts:
Original poster
Help18 · 01/06/2018 17:51

Just trying to read everything and reply, I don’t think he admitted the bare minimum as the little details hurt badly which he could have hidden etc, I think he knew it was time to put everything out in the open, he knows I’ll never forget, I very much care about my children which is why I’ve neber let on to anything that has gone on so they are all none the wiser, their ignorance is bliss to me

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 01/06/2018 17:55

I'd tell him to fuck off, end of story.
He didnt give a shit about you when he was fucking her and you were having his child!!. Hes a right charmer isnt he.
He'll do it again I'm sure of that.
I'd also get checked out for STDs at the GUM clinic, seriously.