He finally admitted it

[Help18]

Hi, I’m new to this but really looking for some outside perspective. Been with my husband 7 years, married 3. We both had kids when we got together and have gone on to have more together. For the first 5 years I would always catch him out messaging other females flirting with them. Always got the usual “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, I understand how it makes you feel” he wouldn’t however agree that it was cheating as cheating to him is only physical. Two years ago I was having thee worst pregnancy ever, saw a message to who I can only describe as a child, she was only 19, he told her he couldn’t wait to see her tonight, told me he was staying at his mums as it made it easier for an early start work the next morning, I caught him out on it and for two years he denied anything ever happened. Since then he’s really changed, so open, doesn’t hide anything, treats me so well, just how I always felt it should be like. I couldn’t shake the feeling something happened though and a couple weeks ago I asked him again, he admitted he slept with her and I made him give all details, for the first time I genuinely see he’s telling the truth and that he is sorry, I love him and want to make it work but am I being a fool to do this? Spoken to family about it and they’ve all said it’s worth working through it with just how much he’s changed but I’m stuck at the moment, sorry for the long post, I actually shortened it too!

Also the treating you the way you always thought it should be, could be guilt

When I say I’ve been getting honesty for last two years - really? You think you've had 'honesty' from him? I reckon he's just got better at hiding it. He's got a second phone, or a secret FB account, or he's using work as an excuse.... it's too easy.

He'd be gone.

BTW Op - do you have daughters? Do you want them to get stuck with a cheating loser like this? Don't you want them to respect themselves and to demand respect from their partners?

Does HE have daughters? How old?

He has dc from previous relationship likely he cheated on her, he then had dc with you and when your pregnant he sleeps with a young 19year old sounds like his mo. He has previously been caught flirting.

I wouldn't have chosen to stay with him after I caught him flirting with other women in the first place. Shows total disrespect and that he's interested in other women! I don't know how you have stayed sane but ultimately it's up to you, would you not feel like throttling him every time you see him? I would.

But I lost respect that a 36 year old had behaved inappropriately with a girl who although legal wasnt much more than a child - especially as we both have DDs of our own who will no doubt, in the not too distant future, be fending off, being taken advantage of or misguidedly shagging sleaze buckets like him. Sleaze Buckets like him. Like your DH. Older, married, predatory.

How can you even look at him? Much less respect him - or forgive him. [boak]

I completely understand what everyone is saying and the sad thing is I’ve I was reading this post from someone else I would be giving the same advice, I have daughters and so does he and neither of us would be happy with them getting treated this way, same goes for our sons, never would I just stand back and let them treat anyone this way. In regards to him getting better at hiding things, he’s never been good at hiding things, that’s how I’ve always find out so quickly, he’s not clever enough to have a secret phone or Facebook etc, he’s not that tech smart, it’s me that always sets everything up, or his brother in the past would help him change his passwords etc, I do trust him now and know he’s not telling anymore lies but I’m scared to say no more when this actually could be it, but then again scared to say ok for it to not be the end

Op, how old is he please?

There would be two elements for me in this. The first would be the cheating. The second thr sleeping with a 19 year old.

He’s 30 now, the worst part is that she knew me too, I’ve neber cheated and certainly wouldn’t go willingly with a married man

Please do not blame rhe 19 year old here. Just do not go there.

So he is a liar, a flirt and a cheat, and he is not that clever, surely you deserve better op. He has behaved well for two years, big whoop. If it was me he would be out on his ear but it sounds like you have already decided to stick with him, so good luck.

I’m not blaming her, but she is far from innocent, spoke to her own dad who said it was not the first or even second time she had gone with a married man

Yeah well op she was only 19 and taken in by your much older husband, and it wouldn't have been the first time he cheated on you, would it?

But if he genuinely has changed and is truly sorry is it still worth just telling him to leave?

First time he actually met up with someone yes, it was her that had been messaging him to start with so I couldn’t say she got taken in by him, the other way round

I don’t know, my head is all over the place, I know there is no right or wrong answer, guess I was just wondering if anyone had been in the same position as me and stayed and if it worked out for the best

I doubt he's changed, it seems he has never been faithful. I'd worry he had done something like got someone pregnant and that's why he's behaving. Or he's deep in an affair and getting smarter.

Personally I'd have been out a long time ago, and the thought of him going after some 19 year old would nauseate me, but you have a higher tolerance level than I do.

Maybe I was just dumb to let the flirting pass, he said he realised that flirting is dangerous as it obviously can lead to worse

First time he actually met up with someone yes, it was her that had been messaging him to start with so I couldn’t say she got taken in by him, the other way round

Yes, young girls just decide to come on to older married men with children from several relationships all the time. Seek them out special, they do

Had he physically cheated before that or had it all been flirting by text etc? Because it could well have been that he had persuaded himself that the flirting was no big deal, and that it wouldn't ever lead anywhere. And then when he did sleep with the girl he suddenly realized that he had been kidding himself the whole time, and that the flirtatious behavior was out of line because of what it could lead to, which led to the attitude change.

It does happen. There are lots of men (and women) who have cheated on partners when younger, but then stop. Usually they are in different relationships by then though.

Perhaps he deserves the last chance? if he's a good dad, maybe it's worth it?..

You don't genuinely believe he was just filrting with other women do you? Not really?

A leopard never changes its spots. Your setting yourself up for a lifetime of cheating, lies and misery and you are a fool to trust him. You'll see this when you are back here in a year or so saying you should never have trusted him again. Once is bad enough but he has history of cheating, be it sexting or physical. Bin him op.

It was literally all social media before, this was the only time and he did say he realised the severity of what flirting can cause. It was her that messaged him first, I had actually witnessed that message so asked her what she was playing at, she knew us through her dad