He finally admitted it

[Help18]

Hi, I’m new to this but really looking for some outside perspective. Been with my husband 7 years, married 3. We both had kids when we got together and have gone on to have more together. For the first 5 years I would always catch him out messaging other females flirting with them. Always got the usual “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, I understand how it makes you feel” he wouldn’t however agree that it was cheating as cheating to him is only physical. Two years ago I was having thee worst pregnancy ever, saw a message to who I can only describe as a child, she was only 19, he told her he couldn’t wait to see her tonight, told me he was staying at his mums as it made it easier for an early start work the next morning, I caught him out on it and for two years he denied anything ever happened. Since then he’s really changed, so open, doesn’t hide anything, treats me so well, just how I always felt it should be like. I couldn’t shake the feeling something happened though and a couple weeks ago I asked him again, he admitted he slept with her and I made him give all details, for the first time I genuinely see he’s telling the truth and that he is sorry, I love him and want to make it work but am I being a fool to do this? Spoken to family about it and they’ve all said it’s worth working through it with just how much he’s changed but I’m stuck at the moment, sorry for the long post, I actually shortened it too!

You have had an awful time of it with DH and good for you for surviving and maintaining family life, its not easy when you know someone is hiding/lying about things.
Would you consider going to a different counsellor for yourself?
It is sometimes easier to discuss these issues independently to clarify things within yourself.

If your DH is truly sorry about the situation/lies he has told you he should have no problem with you seeking this help.
I would strongly recommend this avenue for your own sake - will help in every way. You must choose your own recommended counsellor maybe your GP could recommend one.

Its your first step to re-gain your confidence and self-esteem

Take care

You are at a cross road of life. One path is familiar. More of the same. The other is into the unknown. Whichever you take I'd suggest giving yourself time. Time to grieve because you have been wronged and time to stop blaming yourself. He is irrelevant in a way. This is about you, how you feel about yourself, your dignity, your integrity and what you believe you deserve or are prepared to tolerate. If possible I'd suggest you have no contact with him until you are more certain of your decision.

We are going to couples counselling, he is going for himself too as have I, we both have issues separately to deal with and obviously this together, I think it’s the unknown that has me scared, and as I said on one hand I could just say no but then live to regret it but again, could stay and live to regret that. I have been tested for any sti but that was a general testing as been getting checked over for something unrelated

My eldest sister had actually been through the same thing, her husband actually left her for another woman, she to this day regrets not working it out as they clearly still love each other and get on so well

Help18 I grew up in a home where my DF had affairs and then left my DM. The impact that has had on me is I have an issue with trust and if my OH ever did anything I would have no hesitation but to throw him out. I won't allow myself to live my life in a state of anxiety due to lack of trust. I don't know what has happened to you and your sister but her feeling regret about not trying when her DH left her and you looking for excuses for your DH behaviour makes me wonder what you experienced growing up. It's not for anyone on here to tell you to LTB but use your counselling to deal with your unresolved issues.

Hi again,

I agree with gambaspilpilmyfav that it's not for anyone here to tell you what to do. None of us have experienced exactly what you have experienced, none of us know either of you, and none of us have to live with your decision - we are all just offering what we would do, or what we think we would do, and that may or may not be right for you. Sounds like you still have some exploration to do before you will know what the right thing is.

Are you interested in books and other resources to help you with this? I have a few recommendations if you are.

For what it's worth, I think the way you are approaching this demonstrates emotional intelligence, resilience, compassion, strength, rational thinking, consideration and more.

I wish you all the best in your journey.

Hi, I grew up in a great loving home, my parents married almost 50 years so guess I grew up thinking that was the way it was. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated, I’m so up and down at the moment that I refuse to make any firm decisions about anything at the moment

He is a liar and a cheat. He was constantly messaging other women at the very beginning of your relationship - the part where he should have been all keen and loved-up! He betrayed you with a teenager when you were pregnant ffs! He doesn't deserve any more chances and all that's changed is that he's learnt how to sound honest and sincere. Do you really want to be posting another thread like this in a few years' time?

Yes, you would be a fool

You are going to do it anyway, it's written all over your posts

Staying with a bloke that shags teenagers when you are pregnant. This is as good as it gets ? Deary me.

@Help18

My eldest sister had actually been through the same thing, her husband actually left her for another woman, she to this day regrets not working it out as they clearly still love each other and get on so well.

Delusional. She may love him, but where does left her for another woman fit with loving her?

And how could your sister have "worked it out" when the bloke was shacked up with someone else ?

What kind of upbringing did you both have ?

...any old shit is good enough for you?

Ok.

Recommendations -
Books:
John Gottman is a leader in this field - his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is reliable and practical. Also Harville Hendrix - Getting The Love You Want. There's another one about recovering from adultery but I can't seem to find it - maybe your therapist can recommend something? Or look on Amazon and choose one that appeals to you.

I find this pair of articles very inspiring - www.huffingtonpost.com/elloa-atkinson/i-love-my-husband-but-heres-why-i-want-to-cheat_b_5909882.html?guccounter=1. They are very controversial and evoked a lot of comments like the ones you've had here, only angrier, but I think you'll probably understand better than others who can't look at the options as you can. This is the second one, which is perhaps even more inspiring after you've read the first, especially for you in your situation goodmenproject.com/featured-content/wife-told-wants-cheat-heres-feel-gmp/.

I also recommend studying Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication - you can watch this to give you an intro and if you like the idea, there is a course starting this month - I can tell you more if you're interested - I don't want to overwhelm you with too much stuff.

Let me know if you'd like anything more or different, and give me an idea of what kind of thing you would find most useful at the moment.

Here's another....

chump lady

I was going to say exactly the same her husband actually left her for another woman, she to this day regrets not working it out as they clearly still love each other - if he loved her he would not be shagging another woman, and he would not have left her.

He quite obviously didn't love her. And I would struggle to think any man loved me if he was shagging someone else, whatever the reason. Especially while I was having his baby

Help18 interesting as you have had the same upbringing as my OH. His DP have been together for over 40 yrs but my word his DM has had to put up with alot of crap from his dad. They stuck it out (probably because she was a SAHM and couldn't escape)and the downfall from that is my OH thinks it is perfectly normal to explode, behave like an arse and have lots of arguments about nonsense and sees me as being unreasonable for suggesting if it continues he is to leave. He sees 'it as normal'and all relationships have there ups and downs. You need to decide if this is the life you want and are happy to stay with your DH. You have an opportunity with counselling to explore your issues to help you move on in whatever direction you choose.

I think you are being very wise about this, its not a situation to be dealt with on impulse.
As you say you are both going to couples and individual counselling which shows he is willing to confront and seek help to change his previous behaviour. That's a big thing for a lot of men to do, most are reluctant to embark on any type of therapy - this is a good sign.
I hope you are also continuing with your own counselling, if not think you should pick it up again. With a good counsellor (you must get the best and someone you feel comfortable with) you will be able to express all your feelings without judgement! and with time this will help clarify your decision.
Do not allow yourself to be persuaded by others - only you know how your relationship is and whether you feel its worth fighting for.
Many long term relationships/marriages go through difficult times for many diverse reasons and come out the other side stronger and better for it - I do think you would regret not trying to work at this.
But if you do in time split up you will be stronger for knowing you tried and walk away with dignity.
Thinking of you
Take care

I don’t usually post much but I wanted to add a message for you OP - you knew in your gut something wasn’t right, and you should always trust your instincts... you’ve been proven right. It seems to me that you know in your gut now that his apology and regret is genuine, and that you do trust him. Without trust, you can’t ever move on but if you really feel you can trust him again and you want to give him a chance, then go with your heart and give it a chance if you decide you can live with the past being in the past. For me, it would be a worse case of regret to live with ‘what if’ further down the line than it would if you went with what you really felt and he fucked up again. Sending hugs too! This can’t be easy.

I thank you all for your advise/input/suggestions. Ceestar you are absolutely right, I’ve been sat thinking if I should trust him or not but would only end up knowing that I do and yes my gut has always been right, if I had the slightest doubt as to whether or not I could trust him I maybe wouldn’t still be sat considering things, but at end of day I see the remorse in his face, the way he’s been going above and beyond, I know it will not be a quick fix or an easy road but my love for him hasn’t changed and if anything I do feel this will make us stronger, we know what we both need from each other and we are both willing to work at our relationship and on ourselves, only time will tell but after a lot of soul searching and help I do want to work this out and move on from the past. I know a lot of you will be thinking that I’m just a fool and maybe I am but my head, my heart and my gut are all telling me to stay, I can’t ignore those. Thank you all again

OP, you are not a fool.
You have listened to everyone's input, and made your choice, plus you're now a little wiser.
I really hope it works out.🌸

I hope it works out OP.

I can't help but think you'll be back here.....