He finally admitted it

[Help18]

Hi, I’m new to this but really looking for some outside perspective. Been with my husband 7 years, married 3. We both had kids when we got together and have gone on to have more together. For the first 5 years I would always catch him out messaging other females flirting with them. Always got the usual “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, I understand how it makes you feel” he wouldn’t however agree that it was cheating as cheating to him is only physical. Two years ago I was having thee worst pregnancy ever, saw a message to who I can only describe as a child, she was only 19, he told her he couldn’t wait to see her tonight, told me he was staying at his mums as it made it easier for an early start work the next morning, I caught him out on it and for two years he denied anything ever happened. Since then he’s really changed, so open, doesn’t hide anything, treats me so well, just how I always felt it should be like. I couldn’t shake the feeling something happened though and a couple weeks ago I asked him again, he admitted he slept with her and I made him give all details, for the first time I genuinely see he’s telling the truth and that he is sorry, I love him and want to make it work but am I being a fool to do this? Spoken to family about it and they’ve all said it’s worth working through it with just how much he’s changed but I’m stuck at the moment, sorry for the long post, I actually shortened it too!

His flirting was never sexual as such, he would tell them they were good pretty etc but it never got more than that, he would literally flirt with one for a couple days and then stop until someone else came into the picture, I know it was only flirting until this time

I actually think it took a lot of balls for him to admit it knowing how it could affect everything. Maybe he has changed? Maybe him telling you the truth was part of that? And also this reference to a 19 year old being a child is not right. Of course a man in his 20s is going to be attracted to a 19 year old - doesn’t make him a pervert or a predator

Ok op, he only flirted on social media and the 19 year old went after him, he only shagged her once and couldn't help it. He's now a one woman man and realised the error of his ways.

As others said, it doesn't matter what anyone else would do, uou clearly want to believe him and stay, and so you will.

I did have a test as was getting some checks done at the hospital for different reasons and they were all clear, I do trust him completely though, guess it boils down to if I can live with it or not

He knew that I was ready to leave if he was going to keep denying anything happened, he knew just as well as I did that we couldn’t continue with anything hanging over our heads

sorry your going through this hun.it must hurt more because you wondered before and he denied it all.
what do you think.do you think you can trust and get through this.to be posting on here tell me you have doubts you can.
has he realised and changed his way that why hes been so good to you,but still the lying and cheating before this is just bang out of order in itself

He’s definitely been out of order, I already trust him it’s the living with it I’m not sure I can do, it was after his betrayal that he changed as he said he does realise his wrong doings but that doesn’t excuse any of his behaviour in the past

What a horrible situation he has put you in.

I think, at some point down the line, he will do it again. There has been no real repercussions to him doing it in the past.

I hope I'm wrong and I hope, whatever you decide, you find happiness. 💐

Currently he’s not living with us, he’s rented a room round the corner so that he can be here whenever I need him to be, I’ve neber thrown him out before

even the flirty messages to others to me is cheating.and he did it over and over.i cant deal with that level and disrespect.if my dad was doing this to my mum id threaten to chop his balls off an would ahce for my dear mum.and kind of hate dad a bit
how old are the kids.are they aware.

My only doubt is if I can live with the knowing

None of the kids are aware, we’ve never let them aware of anything

I get what most are saying here, but I think you have to trust yourself. You sound very convinced he has genuinely changed, and even as others are saying here that he can't have, you are sticking to your story in a way that sounds to me to be pretty convincing. Of course you will never 100% know, none of us will, but I don't think that's the point. You need to work out what it is you need in order to have enough faith in him and the relationship again to feel relaxed and confident, and strange though it may sound, a lot of that is about you, not him.
I have a friend who is a therapist who's husband had many affairs and even had a child with one and they worked through it and are still together and I would say their relationship is stronger than many who haven't been through such a shit time. They have even welcomed the extra child into their family. The important thing is what do you both need to move on. Ask for what you need. If you still need to build some trust, how can he help with that? Is there anything he needs from you? Crazy it may sound, as he's the one who wandered, but to get through this you need to be supportive of each other, and see that this affair was a symptom more than a cause. Not that that excuses his behaviour (he crossed a line), but an explanation like your therapist gave can help understand, and help to put in place what's needed to prevent it happening again. It sounds to me like he gave himself a shock, and perhaps he needed to risk losing you to appreciate you, I don't know. Still a shit strategy, but not necessarily a reason to chuck out baby with bathwater. Get support, therapy, whatever you need to work through this. And then you can make a rational decision whether to stay together or not, rather than dump him as a reaction. Hope that helps.

I can only give what id feel.and it would be hurt and hurt amd hurt again.it would never leave me that someone could do this to me if they loved me.even before the actual cheating.to be tex flirting with others I wouldn't be able to handle either.
ok so if he has changed lets imagine he never doe it again.can you live with the past hurt. oh gosh that tough.

I expect someone else (possibly OW) has threatened that if he didn't tell you, they would.

You don't need to make any long-term decisions now, and your family aren't the ones who have to live with the lies, deceit, and lack of trust.

The history of the OW is irrelevant, and you shouldn't look to shift his blame onto her.

You also need to consider that he had sex with someone else while you were pregnant. Any STIs he caught could then have been transmitted to you, with possible dangerous repercussions for your unborn baby. This would be the thing I would be unable to forgive and move on from, and the change of character probably stems from relief that the baby wasn't born with medical complications resulting from his shagging about.

He asks me all the time what i need from him, what he has to do, we are going to counselling which is something he’s always hated the thought of, we are going as a couple but also going separately too, I feel if we can work past this it will make our relationship stronger but it’s just getting to that stage of ok we can do this

if you truly believe he changed then the hard work is on your part.he can do no more and you cant ask him to.because nowits whether you can literally put a stop and leave it all behind.the relationship wont work if this behaviour keeps coming up.in moments of down time in the marriage.in arguments.in sniping.it will cause huge tension and trauma if so. you will need to leave it all behind and start from here and now.really diffiuclt but if not you and him will constantly be huriting with what he did.and use it and feel it resenting and building inside it will

I had actually witnessed that message so asked her what she was playing at, she knew us through her dad

Do young girls really chase after their dad's friends? How did she get his number?

Do you know why his previous relationship(s) broke up?

I'm afraid I agree with the majority on here. He's cheated once that you are aware of. And he admitted to the one time he tripped over and accidentally stuck his dick into another woman, in the hopes that you'll let it be and not try and find out if there have been any others. I can almost 100% guarantee you there would've been others. Men like these don't change. They simply don't, especially if they keep being forgiven. How long 'till another pretty young thing strokes his ego and other things? You think he'd actively resist? Of course he won't.

One strike and he's out - that's my motto as well. No man cheating on me will EVER get a chance to do it again.

I messaged the ow to let her know the truth was out and she was too out of order, I did however tell her it was just her fault and that she had no loyalty to me but it was still not ok, I’m not a harsh person but a reasonable one, she added me to some group chat with her friends where they all ripped into me, he has the closest bond with our child who I was pregnant with at the time, he says he feels guilt every day knowing what could had been

He said himself, it wasn’t a mistake it was a bad choice, she did go after him and he wasn’t the first, that’s not me directing the blame to her as he is the one that has the family, he s previous relationship ended after she cheated on him funnily enough

Oh she messaged him over Facebook