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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal sexually? Should I do it?

107 replies

hangryallthetimee · 30/05/2018 23:38

Ok so for context and not to drop feed... Dp and I have been together for 2 years. I've been in 2 previous long term relationships and him 1 but in all previous relationships we were both victims of DV. So we treat each other very respectfully and can be very cautious with each other. We also find that neither of us have much of an idea of what a "normal" relationship is like.
We have a good sex life but only recently we have slowly started expressing what we like or don't like more.
Last week I was shopping online for some new bras and due simply to the fact that they have %20 off and bras can be expensive I was looking on the Ann Summers site. We were looking down the lingerie and DP made some comments (respectfully not sleazy or anything, just saying that he liked this or that) about some of the items, and seeing as he seemed to be taking such an interest and really liking them, I added some basic bras to basket and then gave my phone to him to have a look and see if there was anything else he wanted to add, like I say were both very cautious so this was easier than having a conversation about it. He had a look and gave it back to me with a big smile on his face asking if I liked them, it was leather look gloves full arm length and wet look leather lingerie/body's.
It's all a bit sexy for me Blush I was your typical nice girl I can't imagine myself in leather lingerie and it's not my cup of tea when I think of what makes me tick, but I do really want to make him happy and I think this is a huge step for us in terms of being comfortable enough to express what we want and need and it's not like I'm putting myself in any danger or he's hurting me in any way, it's just not quite my cup of tea.
Is it normal sexually to dress up like that for your partner if it doesn't float your boat at all? I feel I have no judgement of this anymore, I want to do something nice for him but also don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm doing things I don't want to Blush

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 30/05/2018 23:42

It wouldn't be normal for me - I would feel weird about it.
It's hard to talk about it without offending one another but it is possible.
I don't think you should do things you don't want to do.
Nothing to stop you thinking through why you don't want to do them and refining your point of view. But you don't have to change for someone if you don't want to.

ltk · 30/05/2018 23:45

There's almost certainly a happy medium to be found here. Talk to the man. And no, you shouldn't do anything that you woild rather not.

KirstenRaymonde · 30/05/2018 23:49

Dressing up is totally normal, but you shouldn’t do anything that isn’t also enjoyable for you. Can you ask him what he liked about those things and maybe find a medium you’re both happy with? Communication is really key here, both of you deserve happy and fulfilling sex.

Wildlingofthewest · 30/05/2018 23:49

Maybe start with trying some really nice undies - bra and pants but something a bit more sexy than the usual ones you would wear during the day?
Wearing nice undies is actually really nice, I love buying really pretty sets - nothing particularly sexual about them, but even just a nice satin bra and lacy knickers looks a bit “special” - maybe get some and dress up for a night out/dinner and then you can surprise him later on with your new undies?

NotUmbongoUnchained · 30/05/2018 23:49

There’s no such thing as normal in the bedroom. Everyone is different.

But no, asking you put some lingerie on is not weird at all.

Just talk to him!

LEMtheoriginal · 30/05/2018 23:50

You shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. However Ann summers is pretty mainstream in terms of the stuff it sells. By that I mean it sells a Lot of it on the high street etc and lots of people like this sort of thing.

Also it is a big turn on for me to see my DP turned on so I'll give most things a go even if it's not necessarily my thing.

I'd be willing to give it a try on the condition that a) he pays and b) if it doesn't float your boat you don't do it again. Unless you are totally not comfortable with it and then it's perfectly ok to say thanks but no thanks

ReginaldMolehusband · 30/05/2018 23:52

I suppose when he asked you if you liked them, saying they're not your cup of tea was out of the question was it?

Gates · 30/05/2018 23:53

Think a compromise is in order here. Never feel pressured into doing anything including dress up or roll play etc. If your uncomfortable it will be a atmosphere dampner, totally no point as will ruin it for both of you.

Talk to him, tell him how you feel maybe you pick out a few outfits see what he likes best. Grin

dirtybadger · 30/05/2018 23:53

It's common for people to do things they dont want to, I think. And thats a bloody shame!

Its not normal or abnormal to dress up. Im sure as many people are into it who arent. Personally Im into some funky stuff, but dressing up doesnt appeal to me. I have come to enjoy somethong Dp suggested to me. I wasnt really sure to start with...but I wasnt actively opposed to it. It didnt make me feel uncomfortable. It just didnt turn me on at the idea of it. I gave it a shot, enjoyed it, we do it this thing regularly.

Talk to your DP. If you actively dont want to do something. Dont . Ever.

Its probably best not to think about whether something is "normal" or not in sex. Everyones different and we have no real way of truly knowing who is upto what.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/05/2018 23:54

It's not unusual (and can feel quite good) to do stuff for your partner which doesn't really do much for you but which you think is benign and don't mind doing because it would turn them on. If that's how you feel about this underwear, give it a go: the way to build confidence is by doing things and seeing how they feel.

If the idea actively turns you off or makes you feel uncomfortable then explain that to DP and talk about things you could do or wear which are mutually enjoyable, and take things in baby steps. Practice communicating in different ways. Ask each other questions. Explain how something makes you feel or what it makes you think. That sort of thing.

happymummy12345 · 30/05/2018 23:55

I think you need to talk to him, you should never ever do something you're not 110% happy or comfortable with. However such clothes wouldn't bother me.

Donkdonkgoo · 30/05/2018 23:59

Communication and compromise with him. If you don't like leather gloves maybe satin, or shorter leather gloves like driving gloves just chat to him, if something is a turn on for him but turn off for you then that's not going to work

Fatted · 31/05/2018 00:03

The important thing is to only do what you feel comfortable in doing and don't feel like you have to do something to please your partner. If you're not comfortable with it, don't be afraid to say so and find a compromise you do feel more comfortable with.

There is no normal. There are plenty of things I like my DH doesn't and vice versa. But we will only do the things that both of us are completely happy to do, not force one another to do something the other doesn't like.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 31/05/2018 00:07

My Dh sometimes likes me to dress up in bed. I feel bloody silly, it doesn’t do much for me but he absolutely loves it and the sex is always amazing so it’s a small price to pay. Grin

Obviously only if you’re happy to though.

Honeyroar · 31/05/2018 00:12

Did you say "darling you'll look lovely in that!"

Seriously you kind of set the ball rolling there by telling him to pick an Ann Summers outfit for you. A heck of a lot of what they sell is "dressing up".

You'd perhaps be better now saying "I'm not sure that's really what I'd pick", or something along those lines.

Did it get ordered?

bumbleboots · 31/05/2018 00:16

Its not kinky or anything, its just clothes. I think you should try it as an experiment.

Lilymossflower · 31/05/2018 00:23

Don't do if it makes you uncomfortable.

Since it sounds like it does, I'd suggest don't buy them. But maybe look around for something that's an in-between

For some reason 'cute harness bra' is what comes to mind

Kinda on the edge of what he's into but cute and less weird and extreme

PolkaHots · 31/05/2018 00:23

It seems harmless enough to me. I would.

HeddaGarbled · 31/05/2018 00:23

I know lots of women do dress up in "sexy" stuff for men, but men don't do it for women so it's always seemed a bit demeaning to me.

You are comfortable with pretty bras but not with leather sex gear. Trust your instincts and never try to be something you are not to please a man.

likelyLilac · 31/05/2018 00:25

It depends how open you are. I'm very relaxed when it comes to sex so often do stuff that isn't a turn on to me, don't worry leather eally isn't that weird, just because it's nice to see my partner enjoy it.
However a lot of people find it difficult to enjoy some of the more edgy stuff if it isn't for them because it can feel very alien (thats not to mean your selfish if you don't do it, it just happens that my turn on is seeing some one else turned on, most people I would say have to find something at least a little bit attractive to enjoy it). you could give it a go in a more subtle way that perhaps doesn't make you so uncomfortable but still gives you that nice feeling of doing something for your partner, seems like he likes leather, maybe go for some leather boots or some other leather/wet look item which you feel a bit more okay with.

tolerable · 31/05/2018 00:31

he doesnt sound like hes the type of guy that wants you to be uncomfortable.if he smiled at the order-imagine what the reality could bring...dont break all your walls down.try...having something outwith tea...maybe....add heels.x

HeddaGarbled · 31/05/2018 00:37

add heels sleazy and grim - you're women, not sex dolls.

busybarbara · 31/05/2018 00:42

It's definitely worth playing this carefully as it could be the start of a slippery slope. You could start off with these only slightly nasty sounding gloves but if you go along with it he might think of suggesting far out gross stuff like strap ons and butt plugs.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 31/05/2018 00:42

You need to talk to him.

From your OP it sounds as though you have a frank and honest relationship so just ask him if this is what he is into, but you might not be ready to embrace it so full on yet- you'll do it if and when you are ready.

Sex is supposed to be fun, not a cause of anxiety- talk to him.

UnsalariedPost · 31/05/2018 00:46

It's just a bit of different material that he finds sexy,

You asked him All sounds pretty normal to me.
I've been married 35 years. if I showed my dh some pictures of ladies underwear, he wouldn't choose the voluminous knickers I choose to wear. I think he'd love a bit of leather. Doubt I'd be able to carry it off though.
Sounds pretty nomal to me, especially if you asked his opinion.

It sounds harmless to me, and you DID invite him to comment.

Don't do it if you don't want to, obviously, but

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