Is this normal sexually? Should I do it?

[hangryallthetimee]

Ok so for context and not to drop feed... Dp and I have been together for 2 years. I've been in 2 previous long term relationships and him 1 but in all previous relationships we were both victims of DV. So we treat each other very respectfully and can be very cautious with each other. We also find that neither of us have much of an idea of what a "normal" relationship is like.
We have a good sex life but only recently we have slowly started expressing what we like or don't like more.
Last week I was shopping online for some new bras and due simply to the fact that they have %20 off and bras can be expensive I was looking on the Ann Summers site. We were looking down the lingerie and DP made some comments (respectfully not sleazy or anything, just saying that he liked this or that) about some of the items, and seeing as he seemed to be taking such an interest and really liking them, I added some basic bras to basket and then gave my phone to him to have a look and see if there was anything else he wanted to add, like I say were both very cautious so this was easier than having a conversation about it. He had a look and gave it back to me with a big smile on his face asking if I liked them, it was leather look gloves full arm length and wet look leather lingerie/body's.
It's all a bit sexy for me I was your typical nice girl I can't imagine myself in leather lingerie and it's not my cup of tea when I think of what makes me tick, but I do really want to make him happy and I think this is a huge step for us in terms of being comfortable enough to express what we want and need and it's not like I'm putting myself in any danger or he's hurting me in any way, it's just not quite my cup of tea.
Is it normal sexually to dress up like that for your partner if it doesn't float your boat at all? I feel I have no judgement of this anymore, I want to do something nice for him but also don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm doing things I don't want to

No of course you don't have to do something you don't feel like doing.

Caveats: if he's really into it and doesn't see why it's such a big deal for you it might create some frictions in the future. (I'm not judging, not saying there is a right and wrong, just different perspectives)

Bear in mind the "if you loved me you would want to do it" argument which can be used by any partner in the relationship.

And the counter "if you loved me you wouldn't ask me to do it".

It’s not a different kind of sex, it’s just clothes....
Don’t force yourself for him, obviously. But - sometimes - we end up liking things we never thought we would.

Go into the shop. Try them on. See how it feels. You may be surprised.
Or not. It’s OK either way...

How are you feeling op?

Some people are behaving as if asking a partner for anything is some kind of wicked predatory behaviour. It's fine to ask. OP showed her partner the website and asked him if he saw anything he liked; he found some items that he did like, and suggested them to OP.
OP makes no mention of the man sulking or stropping at her lack of enthusiasm - the two of them just had a conversation about something that might be fun.
And a lot of women find it enjoyable to dress up in 'sexy' clothes, because it makes them feel sexy and glamorous and desirable, and the way it turns their partners on is exciting. Sometimes a woman will reject the idea of sexy clothes, not because she is a righteous woman who knows that all male desire is something disgusting to be tolerated as infrequently as possible, but because she thinks her own body is unsexy and therefore not worth decorating.
This is why the best advice given to OP was to look again at the clothing and see if there was something else that she preferred. There is nothing at all wrong with discussing new sex-related things with a partner, and agreeing to try something different, as long as neither is putting excessive pressure on the other.

Well the question you have to ask yourself is will this make you feel uncomfortable? You shouldn't be doing things that you are uncomfortable with to please him and he shouldn't want you to. But if it doesn't make you feel bad but just isn't something you necessarily want to do I see no harm in doing it for his sake.

I think there’s a big difference in trying something you’re ambivalent about but want to please your partner and getting pleasure from that, and feeling like you should be doing something you’re opposed to it don’t like.

I’ll do the first, I won’t know if I don’t try, and would divorce if I felt I was in the second camp.

I'm generally open to give things a whirl even if it doesn't especially float my boat, so long as it's not something that makes me feel personally uncomfortable, or costs a whole lot. My DH has done the same. Personally leather gloves wouldn't be a turn on but I'd have no issue wearing them for him - and would probably get a kick from him liking them - however if you feel unhappy, then you shouldn't.
He should be able to say what he finds sexy and you should be allowed to say no. If you keep chatting, hopefully you'll find your areas of overlap...

"Sometimes a woman will reject the idea of sexy clothes, not because she is a righteous woman who knows that all male desire is something disgusting to be tolerated as infrequently as possible, but because she thinks her own body is unsexy and therefore not worth decorating."

@ReanimatedSGB is this a point a real woman has made to you or something you have read? Because to me it sounds like a man's argument for getting a woman to do something.

The OP can try anything she likes. But I would be surprised if not buying 'sexy' clothes is because she doesn't think she is worth it.

OP do what id right for you.

Most people don’t dress up Eeugh this is why I rarely come to Mumsnet. People with no evidence making sweeping generalisations. Personally I’ve been with partners who’ve been turned on by stockings and suspenders etc and those who have preferred me naked. I once dated a guy who wanted me to wear rubber crotch less knickers and stripper shoes.... it didn’t turn me on personally but I wanted to turn him on so I wore them. If I’d enjoyed been rubbed down in cold custard he would have done it for me. You don’t need to be “ turned on” by every single thing you just need to feel comfortable and safe with your partner.

Agree there is no “normal”. A big step towards regaining confidence is to start having conversations where you establish boundaries for yourself but do it in a way that is respectful of your partner and it is actually something that brings you closer together I reckon. So rather than it being awkward and difficult this could actually be a moment that helps you both get more comfortable overall. He is learning to say what he likes and so are you. Sometimes it will be simple no, sometimes it will be a maybe and sometimes it will be an enthusiastic yes. But having the open conversation will build the emotional intimacy

There are 3 catagories imo

1. stuff you like
2. stuff which does nothing for you but your partner likes and you don't mind doing .
3. stuff that your partner likes but you don't feel comfortable with.

Category 1 all is good, catagory 2 its good want to please your partner so long as there is give and take, category 3 is a big fat no, you should never be cajoled into doing things you feel uncomfortable with.

I had a gf who likes dirty talk, I it did nothing for me but whatever she found it a turn on so I did it. I've never found giving oral did anything for me but I enjoyed the fact it parners enjoyed it so I did. Had I felt uncomfortable with either I wouldn't have done them.

"Sometimes a woman will reject the idea of sexy clothes, not because she is a righteous woman who knows that all male desire is something disgusting to be tolerated as infrequently as possible, but because she thinks her own body is unsexy and therefore not worth decorating."

@ReanimatedSGB is this a point a real woman has made to you or something you have read? Because to me it sounds like a man's argument for getting a woman to do something.

I’m a woman. This is actually the reason I wouldn’t buy something “sexy” I did once and the sizing must have been a lie as it didn’t fit and I got all embarrassed felt awful and have gone back to how I was before, which is deciding it won’t look sexy on me and I don’t have the body for it so I don’t go there. I’d love to dress up a bit or wear something sexy but I can’t bring myself to do it.

Me too QuackPorridgeBacon and last time I looked I was female Italiangreyhound*

As usual, Harmlesschap is on point and succinct.

If your not comfortable then don’t buy it, but you did ask him to add in anything that he likes which he has so not sure why your upset at his choice?

Just to clarify, I'm not saying some women don't not do things for a wide variety of reasons. Because they may have a wide variety of reasons for doing or not doing a thing.

But the idea a woman sees clothes worn in private as being too sexy for her does seem strange to me.

@QuackPorridgeBacon "...I wouldn’t buy something “sexy” I did once and the sizing must have been a lie as it didn’t fit and I got all embarrassed felt awful and have gone back to how I was before, which is deciding it won’t look sexy on me and I don’t have the body for it so I don’t go there. I’d love to dress up a bit or wear something sexy but I can’t bring myself to do it."

I would definitely agree the sizing is out! I got some knickers called 'Large' and they were tiny. I don;t think that means you are not sex Quack, I think it means the sizing is out.

If the clothes had fit you, would you still feel the same Quack?

Some people are so sanctimonious. Op you can do what you want honestly. It's your choice. But I don't think dressing up in sexy lingerie even if it's leather is objectifying. I'd be happy to have a bit of fun dressing up if I was in a respectful relationship. I'd get him a sexy outfit too.

the OP can try anything she likes. But I would be surprised if not buying 'sexy' clothes is because she doesn't think she is worth it.

Definitely true for me. I yoyo with weight. If I'm losing I love lots of sexy underwear and make much more of an effort. If I'm feel grossed out by my belly I feel much more frumpy and don't bother shopping at all.

I have had quite a few women friends say that they thought sexy underwear was only for 'models' or that they were 'much too fat' to wear it. And some, to be fair, think this because it used to be the case that sexy clothes for bigger people were difficult to find, or very expensive.
A lot of women I know who used to think that they were not the type for sexy underwear later got bought some, or a friend sent them a link to a website selling nice affordable plus-size stuff - and they found that wearing it made them feel great, and their partners appreciated both the way they looked and the fact that they evidently felt sexy and sexual in the clothing.

And it's not completely unheard of for a woman (in a heterosexual relationship) to buy something she would like to see her partner wearing. Even (don't all shit the bed at once) for a woman to suggest that her partner dresses up as a fireman or a vampire for a bit of bedroom fun.

Italiangreyhound Actually probably not. I might have felt silly to begin with but my partner would have reassured me I was sexy and beautiful so I would have got over the initial shyness. I wear a size 18 in tops and 16 in bottoms. So quite big, but I bought the all in one style thing in a size 18-20 to make sure it fit. I couldn’t even stretch it onto myself at all, I think I just cried and took it off and just put my baggy pyjamas on lol I’m glad I was trying it on while he was out rather than right before the moment lol

I added some basic bras to basket and then gave my phone to him to have a look and see if there was anything else he wanted to add

You know, by doing that you've given him the impression you didn't mind what he added? You need to talk to him and not communicate by pictures.

My husband is into the same type of things and I do wear them because we try to incorporate each other’s likes, as long as we are both comfortable. The key thing here is you aren’t comfortable. Why not start with something you feel sexy in and then you can always work your way up to the kinky stuff if you both want to.

@ReanimatedSGB "I have had quite a few women friends say that they thought sexy underwear was only for 'models' or that they were 'much too fat' to wear it" Ok if that is the case then I was wrong. My apologies.

I am the first to admit I am sometimes wrong.

I do feel it is very sad if women feel 'sexy' clothing worn in private is not for them but if this is how women feel I cannot argue with that.

Not that I feel it is a great loss to any women, but I do feel it is a shame if a woman feels she cannot wear something like that.

"Even (don't all shit the bed at once) for a woman to suggest that her partner dresses up as a fireman or a vampire for a bit of bedroom fun."

Resisting the temptation to shit the bed! Can't imagine what seeing DH dressed as a vampire would do for me, except maybe scare the crap out of me so we are back to the shitting the bed scenario!!

Not judging anyone whose husband dresses up as a fireman either.

I think you could consider an alternative if you were not comfortable with that particular look, he's given you a hint that he would enjoy it which of course you dont have to act on but if you want to take steps to remove that boundary of being worried about opening up to each other, then maybe you could work with his hint and offer up some suggestions of your own.
Just let him know asap when you wouldnt be comfortable with something.
If you're ever invited to an Ann Summers party try going along to see the products they usually have samples for volunteers to try on over your own undies and there are all sorts you never know perhaps you would feel different about it when browsing with other women as it can help remove inhibitions and can be quite a laugh.

You don't have to do the whole 'role play' gimmick, but sometimes some special occasion undies or a nice nighty can really give you a confidence boost.
I would advise investing in something as simple as some pretty underwear you find comfortable and a nice silky dressing gown to hide everything if you felt too shy, I'm sure he would do the rest

@QuackPorridgeBacon "...I bought the all in one style thing in a size 18-20 to make sure it fit. I couldn’t even stretch it onto myself at all, I think I just cried and took it off and just put my baggy pyjamas on lol I’m glad I was trying it on while he was out rather than right before the moment lol"

That's really unfortunate, I do think the sizing is designed to make them all rather tight and uncomfortable, and sadly for me that does play into the rather humiliating side of what women are expected to do. I wonder how many men would struggle into a fireman suit three sizes too small!

I've personally found just nice, pretty, lacy, underwear, sexy bras or cami tops etc are actually rather nice, (I am very pale so I like black colour) so am not at all against it, as I said before, if that is what people want to do. But the specialist sex shop stuff, was, in my experience, expensive and very small. (I am about the same size as you Quack. XX)