Is this normal sexually? Should I do it?

[hangryallthetimee]

Ok so for context and not to drop feed... Dp and I have been together for 2 years. I've been in 2 previous long term relationships and him 1 but in all previous relationships we were both victims of DV. So we treat each other very respectfully and can be very cautious with each other. We also find that neither of us have much of an idea of what a "normal" relationship is like.
We have a good sex life but only recently we have slowly started expressing what we like or don't like more.
Last week I was shopping online for some new bras and due simply to the fact that they have %20 off and bras can be expensive I was looking on the Ann Summers site. We were looking down the lingerie and DP made some comments (respectfully not sleazy or anything, just saying that he liked this or that) about some of the items, and seeing as he seemed to be taking such an interest and really liking them, I added some basic bras to basket and then gave my phone to him to have a look and see if there was anything else he wanted to add, like I say were both very cautious so this was easier than having a conversation about it. He had a look and gave it back to me with a big smile on his face asking if I liked them, it was leather look gloves full arm length and wet look leather lingerie/body's.
It's all a bit sexy for me I was your typical nice girl I can't imagine myself in leather lingerie and it's not my cup of tea when I think of what makes me tick, but I do really want to make him happy and I think this is a huge step for us in terms of being comfortable enough to express what we want and need and it's not like I'm putting myself in any danger or he's hurting me in any way, it's just not quite my cup of tea.
Is it normal sexually to dress up like that for your partner if it doesn't float your boat at all? I feel I have no judgement of this anymore, I want to do something nice for him but also don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm doing things I don't want to

It depends if you’re looking thinking ‘hmmm, doesn’t do much for me and I’d probably feel a bit silly putting them on’ - because in that case I personally would think ahh sod it I’ll give it a go, with the caveat that 1) if I really don’t like it we won’t do it again and 2) he recognises that I’m feeling a bit insecure about it all so I’m going to need him to go at my pace and give lots of reassurance.

If by ‘not my cup of tea’ you mean ‘I really hate the idea of wearing them and really don’t want to’ then that’s different, and you absolutely shouldn’t do it.

It’s just clothes though, you might find you feel good in them, or you might find that you feel like a dick at first but his reaction is so incredible that you feel like the sexiest woman on earth. Or, you try them on, think ‘absolutely no way’ and that’s that.

I’d say to him you really like the fact that he’s picked some stuff he likes the look of, and you really want to do something nice for him, but the leather look is a bit much for your first foray into sexy underwear, you were thinking maybe something more like this ..... give a few examples. Does he like the look of any of those? Is it the black he likes? The idea of gloves? The all in one style rather than separates? What about it do you not like? Would you be happy in a similar style but maybe lace or satin or whatever?

I went out with someone who liked me to wear certain underwear, heels etc. Fine, but it felt like it was the outfit that he wanted, not me, could have been anyone in them. That really did feel like I was some kind of sex doll and was horrid, so I ended things. DP by contrast would make me feel like it was me that was sexy, the fact that I was wearing something special was just an extra bit of fun.

I don't understand why if it's not your cup of tea then why did you pass him your phone and tell him to order what he liked?

Think about yourself here OP
Would buying some new undies make you feel good?
Nothing kinky or anything but just a nice classy set from M&S or something? Or a nice nighty?
If so, start with that as a compromise? See if it puts any sort of spark in it for you?

Italiangreyhound I’m very pale too. I also like black. I think I need to build up the courage to get properly fitted and try something simple but more sexy than a standard bra.

@A4710Rider "I don't understand why if it's not your cup of tea then why did you pass him your phone and tell him to order what he liked?"

She was looking at bras, talking about bras and showed him bras. He took the phone and ended up lookng at something else.

@hangryallthetimee"...like I say were both very cautious so this was easier than having a conversation about it."

I think this is the problem, you need the conversations, why is it so hard to talk to him about this stuff? Is it because of your pasts? I think working around this by actually talking together would do your relationship a lot more good than sexy underwear and may lead to sexy wear you both agree on. Good luck

Italian,

Not that I want to make a fuss about it but she said lingerie, not bras.

Yes A4710Rider you are right*

I read the bit where she said "I added some basic bras to basket" but you are right she did say lingerie, first.

No fuss made.

It depends if you’re looking thinking ‘hmmm, doesn’t do much for me and I’d probably feel a bit silly putting them on’ - because in that case Ipersonallywould think ahh sod it I’ll give it a go, with the caveat that 1) if I really don’t like it we won’t do it again and 2) he recognises that I’m feeling a bit insecure about it all so I’m going to need him to go at my pace and give lots of reassurance.

If by ‘not my cup of tea’ you mean ‘I really hate the idea of wearing them and really don’t want to’ then that’s different, and you absolutely shouldn’t do it.

That's pretty much my view. I think it's fairly normal to try something out your comfort zone that you wouldn't normally do because it might make your partner happy. It's fun to experiment. It might be good fun. It might be that one or both of you think 'never again!' and that's fine.

Nobody should ever be pressured into doing something they do not want to do and hate the idea of though.

Nobody should ever be pressured into doing something they do not want to do

But! But! oh nevermind.......

Another reason my ex-husband is my ex...... is because the thing that turned him on the most was for me to dress up in a karate outfit.

Not a sexy one.

A normal karate suit.

Like I said..... ex

But! But! oh nevermind.......

I'm not following.
It's pretty normal to go outside your comfort zone when something is suggested you'd not considered and think 'sure I'll give it a go'. (Just like you might try something new when a friend suggests it. You might not initially chose X Y Z but you're open to having a go).

It's not normal to be pushed into doing something you hate.

I'm not following your objection

That's brilliant. Ha ha.

SteppingOnLegos Is that the only reason you dumped him. That is quite an unusual turn on lol

Quackporridgebacon - one reason from a luxury smorgasbord of reasons :)

because the thing that turned him on the most was for me to dress up in a karate outfit

You didn’t have to do the Hong Kong Phooey moves as well did you?

Start off as the mild mannered janitor and then end up faster than a human eye???

I used to love Hong Kong Phooey!

Number one super guy!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

That made me laugh!

Rule 34 strikes again, I see. (I am going to be good and resist the temptation for a bit of blatant book promo...)

I really wouldn't do it. If it's not what you're in to, then it could so easily go wrong. It could affect your confidence if you feel silly in it, or if he is more complimentary/clearly more into it when you're wearing it, and wants it to be a more frequent thing. He also might want to escalate into more extreme fetish type wear, and if even the milder stuff isn't your thing, you may feel pressured into going further, or he'll be disappointed.

Boundaries should be absolute, doing something you're not at least curious about yourself but know already you're not in to, blurs the lines, and may make it harder to enforce boundaries further down the line.

"Another reason my ex-husband is my ex...... is because the thing that turned him on the most was for me to dress up in a karate outfit."

Has nobody said, you gave him the chop?

I think it might be a nice thing to try, given that you did ask him if there was anything there that he liked especially. Of course if you would hate it and would feel uncomfortable then you absolutely shouldn't, but if it's just a little bit out of your comfort zone you might find you enjoy the confidence you feel wearing something that makes his eyes light up! You never have to do it again if you don't want to, but it's nice to give these things a go if you're confident you 're both on the same wavelength.

Also, it sounds like he likes (or thinks he might like) the visual appeal and physical feel of these "sexy" fabrics like wet look, and leather. A lot of men do! If you don't feel comfortable donning a whole outfit, might you be happy just wearing one small item like some pretty wrist length, standard leather gloves with your normal underwear? Or maybe a wet look vest top with some normal cotton knickers? Could be a way to dip your toe in the water, if you like :)

It is normal to dress up, experiment ect. But only if both parties are comfortable and willing. That's why communication is key. If it makes you uncomfortable don't do it! If you want to try then you could start with just wearing nice lingerie then working your way up.

He doesn't seem like he would pressure you, don't feel you need to do anything you aren't comfortable with.

Ok not quite got through all of the replies yet but most of them.
Some great points made. I tried not to drip feed because if I wrote exactly what happened it would have been such a long post but hey.
We had been camping for the weekend and I was braless (I quite like it this way while they are still perky) I tend not to wear one but on reflection looking at some of the photos I was quite shocked DP had not said to me hangry I can clearly see your nipples you need a bra with that outfit. All of my underwear is very basic and all the same colour so I don't own a bra that I could have worn with a white top. Especially after having children things change so much We have a great relationship in and out of the bedroom and it's a normal thing for him to browse online for things for me as well as him he does this all the time! I asked him if there was any discount codes for shops online as he has student beans app on his phone and then I went and had a bath. My phone died and when I came down he had opened a few different shops on his phone one of them being Ann Summers which genuinely was the biggest discount so I sat with a brew scrolling looking at bras on his phone and added some to basket. When I was done I did hand it to him and said is there any others you think but I didn't think he would be looking at bondage outfits for one minute! I genuinely was just sat looking at bras. He had mentioned about a kimono that looked sexy but I had no idea that he was into this kind of thing. I am very "good girl" so I wouldn't have really thought that at all.
To be fair to him he was very respectful and in no way pushy clearly just trying to test the waters and I really loved the sparkle in his eye of excitement and I love that he was comfortable enough to be honest about something like that with me and I wouldn't want to spoil that. That's special. And although he's clearly into leather gloves and wet look/latex/pvc kinds of outfits the ones he picked were not the most risqué of what was there, they were the more flattering of the bunch. Still not my cup of tea and I would just feel silly wearing it but I let him order them because it made him happy and I just had no idea what was normal or not. I don't feel I'm degrading myself and I know I can say no, but is it ok that I feel it would be nice to wear them to make him happy even though I know I'm going to feel like a massive buffoon and I think it's just nice to see him comfortable. He would never pressure me so it's quite an unusual thing for him to do