My friend’s wife knows that I’m in love with him

[Lou3211]

Hi everyone,
So I’ve been quite stupid. I’m good friends with one of my male co-workers, we work closely together and keep in touch outside of work with very similar interests; it was all quite innocent as we were both in relationships and had socialised with our partners. His wife and I aren’t particularly friendly but I wasn’t too worried as she has a reputation for being quite rude in our social circle.

Fast forward two years after meeting and I was starting to have problems in my own relationship and broke up with my long term boyfriend. My friend was very supportive and offered to help me move out etc but his wife started to feel jealous and insecure about our friendship. I really sympathised as it was affecting both of them: she was unreasonable and he was feeling the strain. I tried to keep a distance but in doing so, realised that I probably did like him on another level. I also thought maybe he was unhappy like I had been.

I tried to keep my distance further until a night out where I got very, very drunk and wore my heart on my sleeve.
Nothing happened, I didn’t touch or try to kiss him but he realised that I like him as more than a friend. (It all sounds very juvenile!)
A couple of days later he raised the issue by text to say he was sorry if I felt like I’d been led in and I apologised, said I was far too drunk and it wasn’t acceptable. It was a brief but honest conversation and we both just said we’d try to go back to normal.

A week later and I’ve just found out that his wife has gone through his phone and seen our messages after the night out.
I have no right to feel this way but I feel embarrassed that she knows, I don’t want her to hate me but it’s surely understandable that she does.

Part of me thinks to just stay calm, I had a little crush but nothing came of it and both her husband and I have acknowledged it was silly. Another part of me is mortified and worried she is going to storm into our work telling everyone what a home wrecker I am.

Should I approach her?
Or should I accept the consequences of what I’ve done and keep well away? She’s unfriended me on Facebook which isn’t very mature but it shows she’s p*ssed off.
Even though ‘nothing happened’ I’m guilty of being attracted to her husband, and letting him know it.

You need to back off from the friendship. She is rightly furious and hurt and I very much doubt there relationship will work if you and him continue to be friends.

Really, just leave them both alone.

I don't think she sounds immature at all. You came on to her husband despite knowing he was married and knowing her and your calling her immature to unfriend you.
If she tells people and embarrasses you, you only have yourself to blame.
Move on from this and stay away from married men.

You think his wife was ‘unreasonable’ for minding about your friendship? Clearly her got feeling was right. Just back off.

Part of me thinks to just stay calm, I had a little crush but nothing came of it

Not what your title says.

So which is it? A little crush or in love?

When I say gut feeling, I mean the gut feeling that you were after him. I know in your position you will probably tell yourself that she had a git feeling that he liked you. It seems not. If he did then something would have happened by now.

The relationship was never innocent, not on your part anyway.

It was not unreasonable for her to feel jealous and insecure about your relationship because in your head it was already heading into that direct. Shows she's really remarkably astute.

Yes it is understandable that she hates you, unfriendly you on Facebook actually seems very grown up and dignified.

Your "friend", he's an utter shit though. He's led you on, he didn't come running when you made your intentions clear but seems willing to "stay friends with you despite knowing it's caused and is causing his wife distress. He really is a complete and utter shit.

Don't be a shit yourself. Maintain some dignity now. Bow out and let them sort out their marriage themselves

She's not unreasonable. You are.
Have some dignity and back the fuck off.

Really don't be a home wrecker you will never get away from the shadow of that repetition. I let you know as a wife of 29 yrs you will never get away Scot free if you don't cut ties with this man. He's not yours, delete his contact details even change departments or get a new placement just leave this women's man alone. Find someone unattached but first give yourself some alone time.

You got pissed and made a pass at her husband, who is also your colleague, and you think her behaviour is immature? And she wasn't being unreasonable - she sensed you were after her husband and she was right. Leave them alone.

Very fair comment, I suppose I want to play it down now as a stupid fantasy during what was a very difficult time at the end of my own relationship... but I like everything about my male friend and I had feelings which I knew I shouldn’t act on.

So basically her Spidey senses alerted her to danger before you where even aware you were it?

Leave them both alone and get rid of that little fantasy in your head that he'll return the feels.

Leave.him.alone cut the crap and find something else to distract you from the pain of your breakup

Thanks. I forgot to say that I am moving jobs in three months anyway so we can all see a future in where we don’t see each other daily.

She isn’t the immature one.

Don't contact her and leave her husband alone. You can't stay as friends now, because his wife isnt going to like it.

She had female intuition about you from the beginning and rightly so.

You need to leave him alone. You are hoping to have an affair with him. Just stop.

Unless he quits first, then you won't need any contact.

Option b. In military terms duck and cover.
Yes it does sound juveinile.
Your behaviour though not hers.

She had a reputation for being rude? She was being unreasonable and he was feeling the strain? She was immature and ‘unfriended’ you?

Can you see what you’re doing there? You’re painting her as a jealous, rude bitch so that you can justify your own position and get sympathy. I also suspect there’s some projection going on.

Of course she frigging well ‘unfriended’ you! You tried it on with her partner and she should just suck it up?? God I hate Facebook.

My advice is to detach, slink away with your tail between your legs, and spend some time growing up.

You tried it on with her husband, yet you think she's unreasonable for questioning your motives?

Well you’re not a “home wrecker”, because there’s no affair. You attempted to start something with him and he didn’t reciprocate.

Of course his wife would not want anything to do with you, that’s hardly immature of her. She’s distancing herself and no doubt her husband will follow suit.

Just leave them both alone. I doubt she’s going to publicly humiliate you, far more likely that you have done that yourself.

Has he carried on the friendship since his wife found out?

I agree with what you’re saying but I haven’t fabricated that to try and manipulate the truth ... wrong is wrong you’re right.

He’s not interested in you and obviously has a great relationship with his wife as she soon picked up something was wrong.