My friend’s wife knows that I’m in love with him

[Lou3211]

Hi everyone,
So I’ve been quite stupid. I’m good friends with one of my male co-workers, we work closely together and keep in touch outside of work with very similar interests; it was all quite innocent as we were both in relationships and had socialised with our partners. His wife and I aren’t particularly friendly but I wasn’t too worried as she has a reputation for being quite rude in our social circle.

Fast forward two years after meeting and I was starting to have problems in my own relationship and broke up with my long term boyfriend. My friend was very supportive and offered to help me move out etc but his wife started to feel jealous and insecure about our friendship. I really sympathised as it was affecting both of them: she was unreasonable and he was feeling the strain. I tried to keep a distance but in doing so, realised that I probably did like him on another level. I also thought maybe he was unhappy like I had been.

I tried to keep my distance further until a night out where I got very, very drunk and wore my heart on my sleeve.
Nothing happened, I didn’t touch or try to kiss him but he realised that I like him as more than a friend. (It all sounds very juvenile!)
A couple of days later he raised the issue by text to say he was sorry if I felt like I’d been led in and I apologised, said I was far too drunk and it wasn’t acceptable. It was a brief but honest conversation and we both just said we’d try to go back to normal.

A week later and I’ve just found out that his wife has gone through his phone and seen our messages after the night out.
I have no right to feel this way but I feel embarrassed that she knows, I don’t want her to hate me but it’s surely understandable that she does.

Part of me thinks to just stay calm, I had a little crush but nothing came of it and both her husband and I have acknowledged it was silly. Another part of me is mortified and worried she is going to storm into our work telling everyone what a home wrecker I am.

Should I approach her?
Or should I accept the consequences of what I’ve done and keep well away? She’s unfriended me on Facebook which isn’t very mature but it shows she’s p*ssed off.
Even though ‘nothing happened’ I’m guilty of being attracted to her husband, and letting him know it.

I wouldn't drag her through the mud, I'd be shocked if the wife wanted to. Why would she? Her husband isn't interested in the op. I'd feel pity for the op if I was the wife. It's very cringeworthy to make a fool of youtself by coming onto someone and then being rejected.

Just stay away now. I would block him on social media after you leave. You are not able to be friends with him now.

You've been silly and you need to make sure you don't repeat this mistake in future.

I hope you find a (unattached ) who bloke who treats you well.

* Hope other people will know about it. You deserve that*

Perhaps a 128 posts condemning Op Is enough, without online shaming reaching quite such depths. She's done wrong. We have no idea how the other man has behaved in this, and whether or not he has led her on. We simply do not have this information. We do not know how he has come across during their emotional conversations "supporting" her. Al we know is how he has behaved once things were articulated.

Either way, I try to steer clear of telling people what they deserve.

There are several things going on here - it's already a bad idea to get close to a colleague, let alone a married one!

I would be concerned in her shoes too. Colleagues are strange things - you see each other every day, and probably spend more time with them than anyone else on weekdays. But there has to be a line and you crossed it.

Now you have to work with this guy every day, with him and his wife knowing you're attracted to him. You need to back off and try and get as much space from him as possible.

I think he has done wrong too, no? Would anyone here want their husband supporting a female colleague through a breakup? I'd find that to be a much too intimate relationship. Maybe I have too high standards, but if a boyfriend or husband told me he was supporting a colleague through her relationship breakup I'd be very annoyed about it.

It's also my experience that every single time, with absolutely zero exceptions, every single time a man has made himself generously available to support me emotionally through a hard time he has been trying to get in my pants and using it as a route to get there.

Even my very closest male, lifelong friends who are married would not be racing over for long emotional chats if I'd been through a breakup.

*cafelatte29

If the OP actually shown some real self-awareness and kindness towards the wife, instead of somewhat non-genuine contrition, I’d have not added my part. Her main worry was about minimising the fall-out for her reputation. Her remarks throughout the thread about the wife were really uncaring.

You need to back off and leave them alone.

I have been where the wife is. I know what it’s like to have a partners friend sniffing around being the innocent ‘friend’ but decides one day to ‘pour her heart out’

What about her heart, OP?

It would never occur to me to spill feelings towards another man if he was married/taken! He knew you were single, if he truly wanted you he would’ve made it known. You told him how you felt with the hope it’d lead to something.

I don’t think it’s immature for her to delete you off fb. I think it’s disrespectful to declare feelings for someone else’s husband whilst trying to paint the wife in a bad light ie “she’s always rude to people in our social circle” “she never really liked me” - maybe she’s just rude to people who she suspects is trying to interfere with her marriage? So no, I don’t blame her for removing you off Facebook. I don’t blame her for not wanting anything to do with you at all!

You saw things that wasn’t there in the hope your feelings would be returned. He obviously wasn’t having trouble in his marriage like you hoped, he obviously didn’t have any feelings for you.

You need to leave them both alone.

Again, we do not know how this man has behaved in reality, over their conversations. We do not know what he said, implied, shared, in the course of him choosing to emotionally support a vulnerable separating female colleague. We do not know why he chose to give of himself emotionally, whilst in a fulfilling, monogamous, committed and satisfying conjugal relationship. We do not know any of this. We conjure that the wife's "spidey senses" picked up "something" - but surely this man may have gauged as much too? The thought that this female colleague may be becoming reliant on his emotional support may surely have crossed his mind? And yet he kept engaging. We do not know one single thing of how he has behaved throughout this process.

So, before we continue judging the OP - for her obvious mistakes which nobody is condoning - let us not forget that we know nothing of this man, and that we are all full of flaws ourselves. if we wouldn't ever dream of developing an intense friendship with a married man, perhaps we'd do something else someone else might never condone. Not one of us is perfect.

The message has been sent to the OP loud and clear. Telling her she deserves X or Y or Z - and continuing to berate her will serve no purpose for her any more.

I don't think you have any power to minimise the fallout, op. You've acted like a bit of a twat.

On the upside you are moving in three weeks and all you have to do is keep your head down and concentrate on work.

In yout next place I suggest you only cultivate casual - as in not intense- friendships with colleagues to keep personal drama and your professional reputation at a distance from one another.

Well, the last twenty four hours have been sobering (pardon the pun). Thanks to everyone who has chipped in, I have taken something from every comment. Some of the harsher posters are right - I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and brushed over how the wife is feeling. I will take many lessons away from this.

Just to end the debate about it ‘taking two’: we were friends who went to the gym together, trained for events, he would make me a coffee for when I got in in the morning and leave snacks on my desk. I would do the same. We talked about things openly and confided in each other about non-romantic worries. There’s been compliments over the years about looking nice/positive comments about my personality etc but there wasn’t any flirting and it wasn’t sordid.

Doesn’t matter though. And I do know that.

Thanks so much to everyone has chipped in with opinions. We were just passing and noticed that there were a few posts that were just a little strong. Just wanted to remind everyone that while we're happy for people to disagree with someone, we do think it's always possible to be civil. The OP is just asking for advice so please do be kind with it.

It's also my experience that every single time, with absolutely zero exceptions, every single time a man has made himself generously available to support me emotionally through a hard time he has been trying to get in my pants and using it as a route to get there

Then clearly you don't have any male friends. Your post is irrelevant Becayse he clearly wasn't trying to get into her pants. It was her trying to get into his. If he was trying to get into hers he wouldn't ha w rejected her,

Amd for the record I doubt the wife went through his phone, I suspect he went home and told her, said sorry you were right, she was after me.

Just to end the debate about it ‘taking two’: we were friends who went to the gym together, trained for events, he would make me a coffee for when I got in in the morning and leave snacks on my desk. I would do the same

Maybe it's just me but that all seems a bit intimate? Maybe I have too high expectations with this stuff, but I'd be absolutely not interested in my hubby leaving snacks on the desk of a woman at work. It just feels way too personal or the beginnings of flirtation to me. Maybe it was kept at bay when you had a partner, but once you were single, he swooped in to comfort you.

I personally think a man who does the above and then "comforts" her emotionally while she spills her feelings probably fancies the woman, so he was dicing dangerously close to the wind here.

It's not cheating, but it's all the things that set the environment for someone to have a few drinks and end up cheating, so in my view he is actually equally guilty with the OP here.

@Bluntness100, I have lots of male friends, but when I have a breakup I don't cry on the shoulder of the married ones. I'd find that very strange behavior as it's fostering emotional intimacy with someone who's married which is how affairs often begin.

My married male friends might drop me a text to ask how I am doing when I have had a breakup, or him and his wife might ask me to dinner to cheer me up. We're definitely not spending 1 on 1 time together crying into my drink. It feels like crossing a line to me personally.

All the times I have had bad breakups, some "friend", colleague, old school friend, friend of my ex has called or wanted to take me for a drink to help me and make me feel better, he has shortly afterwards told me how my ex was a fool, and tried it on with me. Maybe a disappointing reflection of the poor quality of men but I do find men often use these moments to swoop in.

It didn't sound like these two were intimately connected before, but he's suddenly all ears when she's single and mourning. It just feels suspicious to me.

It's not cheating, but it's all the things that set the environment for someone to have a few drinks and end up cheating, so in my view he is actually equally guilty with the OP here

That's a leap. He clearly doesn't fancy her. Men and women can be friends you know without fancying each other. I have good Male friends. Meet for coffee, funny texts, gym. I don't remotely fancy them nor them me. Gender is not relevant.

I really don't understand the view if men and women are friends then man must fancy thr woman. It's so old fashioned and 1950s.

I don't think all men fancy all their friends. I have lots of male friends who don't fancy me either.

I just think if a colleague is making her coffees and leaving snacks on her desk and being a shoulder to cry on when she's just broken up with her boyfriend, then it smells dodge to me and I'd assume he either fancied her or was enjoying / encouraging her fancying him.

We can both have different takes on it, that's just mine.

Oof, OP. She wasn't being insecure, she knew her husband inside and out and knew something was off about the friendship. And she was right.