My friend’s wife knows that I’m in love with him

[Lou3211]

Hi everyone,
So I’ve been quite stupid. I’m good friends with one of my male co-workers, we work closely together and keep in touch outside of work with very similar interests; it was all quite innocent as we were both in relationships and had socialised with our partners. His wife and I aren’t particularly friendly but I wasn’t too worried as she has a reputation for being quite rude in our social circle.

Fast forward two years after meeting and I was starting to have problems in my own relationship and broke up with my long term boyfriend. My friend was very supportive and offered to help me move out etc but his wife started to feel jealous and insecure about our friendship. I really sympathised as it was affecting both of them: she was unreasonable and he was feeling the strain. I tried to keep a distance but in doing so, realised that I probably did like him on another level. I also thought maybe he was unhappy like I had been.

I tried to keep my distance further until a night out where I got very, very drunk and wore my heart on my sleeve.
Nothing happened, I didn’t touch or try to kiss him but he realised that I like him as more than a friend. (It all sounds very juvenile!)
A couple of days later he raised the issue by text to say he was sorry if I felt like I’d been led in and I apologised, said I was far too drunk and it wasn’t acceptable. It was a brief but honest conversation and we both just said we’d try to go back to normal.

A week later and I’ve just found out that his wife has gone through his phone and seen our messages after the night out.
I have no right to feel this way but I feel embarrassed that she knows, I don’t want her to hate me but it’s surely understandable that she does.

Part of me thinks to just stay calm, I had a little crush but nothing came of it and both her husband and I have acknowledged it was silly. Another part of me is mortified and worried she is going to storm into our work telling everyone what a home wrecker I am.

Should I approach her?
Or should I accept the consequences of what I’ve done and keep well away? She’s unfriended me on Facebook which isn’t very mature but it shows she’s p*ssed off.
Even though ‘nothing happened’ I’m guilty of being attracted to her husband, and letting him know it.

Nope, not me! Although I’m sure it would be interesting to read my doppelgänger’s story.

It's almost word for word the same as you situation If I find the link I will send it to you.

I think if she was going to contact you she would have done it by now rather than delete you from her Facebook.

The embarrassment will soon fade op and hopefully the distance will make you see the situation a little more clearly.

Don't be too hard on yourself, nothing actually happened.

@mumontherocks1 if is the one on thinking of (v similar!) At the point of posting the op on other thread didn't have colleagues number at that point? But v similar, would be good for you OP to read from external viewpoint.

When I described her as being ‘unreasonable’, this was when the relationship between her husband and I was just friendship. It did develop.

Perhaps without you realising...You showed signs that you were attracted to him. They could have been subconscious, but she picked up on it.

I recall one OW who started out this way...the wife warned her DH to stay away from her (she was a school mum going through a divorce) and she felt it was a vulnerable time.

Long story short...he had an affair and left his wife for her.

My point being that the wife sensed it from the beginning when they were 'just friends'. That's why some married people don't support exclusive friends of the opposite sex.

Ask him to delete your number and not to have any contact with you other than that necessary for work. Delete his contact details.
It's like pulling a plaster off, and it gives you time to detatch before you leave.

You gambled when you decided to act on your feelings. If you'd 'won', he would have shared his feelings and no doubt you would have found reason to justify starting a relationship with him. You've lost and the cost is potentially your reputation, although I would think that people will feel more sorry for you that you thought you had any chance than think you're a horrible person.

In many ways, it all turn out of the best as you've learned that going for a taken man is NEVER a good idea, and that includes becoming friends with a man if there is any slightest hint of your feelings potentially evolving.

i am confused. Your recent posts suggest there was something more than friendship going on between you and your colleague. Everything you wrote before though suggests that nothing was going on apart from him being supportive during your relationship breakdown.

It seems to me that, in your head you still want to believe he has feelings for you. However, there is nothing to suggest that is there? Even by wondering if you should apologise to his wife you are implying that something went on. It didn’t.

This is all in your head. He is a decent guy who is embarrassed by your actions and hoping that he did not lead you on (which he didn’t).

Sort yourself out OP.

I am also confused. "When our relationship was just friendship" and "it did develop." Into what?

Either you were just friends or you weren't just friends. If you weren't just friends that suggests something happened between you such as a kiss/an emotional affair/more..

You're posts have suggested he has never acted inappropriately with you emotionally nor sexually and said he was sorry if you misread the situation. So what do you mean by it did develop?

Tbh from what you have said this was one sided which is probably a relief to the wife but if your feelings have grown it is best all round you keep your distance.

So I just think that you need to:

a. In your head, replace the word 'unreasonable' when describing the wife's actions with 'bloody perceptive and bang on the money'

b. cut contact completely with the 'friend'. You're no longer friends.

I don't understand how people fall for married men.

For me, married men are people my brain knows are not a suitable figure to attach sexual or intimate feelings for, so I don't see them that way. In the same way as I wouldn't see a woman or a 90 year old or a family member as a suitable sexual conquest. It doesn't matter how subjectively nice or funny or handsome they are, I just don't register them as "fair game" so it's never happened for me. And I have fallen for some dicks, believe me.

I think it sounds like you were on a downer from a breakup, so you threw caution to the wind and allowed emotional intimacy with a man who was married. People can make bad decisions or want attention and affirmation after a breakup, but if you developed feelings for him it's because you allowed it to happen. I think it sounds like you pretty much didn't care he was married, and there's no judgement here because we all make mistakes, but also just be aware that it happened because you created circumstances.

Sharing emotional intimacy / supporting after a breakup is a really inappropriate thing to do with a married man, as this is what leads to attraction developing and thus to affairs happening. If he hadn't rejected your advances then you'd currently be having an affair and I am sure that wouldn't make you feel good.

I have a few very close male friends. When they got married, our relationships changed. I no longer called them up and asked if they wanted to go for a beer. No longer went to them for emotional support after breakups. That subtle change is necessary to allow respect to the wife and to make sure you're not creating undue temptation for the man to share emotional intimacy with a woman other than his wife.

I think you can always sense what's appropriate or not, and if I had a husband and another woman at works was leaving on him for support over a breakup, I'd be fuming. It's just not appropriate. It's a breeding ground for that emotional connection that leads to sex, love and broken homes.

I think nowadays, marriage and fidelity are so inherently precarious - we have no social rules on it anymore and men can meet women online at a click of the fingers. It's all become so easy and seemingly there are not even long term consequences. It's a shame, as I think being cheated on by the person you're married to sounds like one of the worst betrayals I can think of.

I think it just makes the world a much worse place if you go after a married man, and I don't think you can ever say "it just happened". I think you have to allow yourself to see them in that light, to spend time or conversations with them that are intimate, to imagine things in your head etc. for it to "just happen", so maybe just try and completely avoid this guy entirely.

You still seem to want to believe that this man feels something for you. He's told you clearly that he doesn't. He loves his DW. You have embarrassed yourself and there is no coming back from it, so don't make it worse by messaging him or her. Especially if you're going to use language like 'it developed', which is totally misleading and makes it sound like you had an affair and not that you made a pass at him and got nicely told where to go.

Stop it. Do you really want to be one of 'those' women?

Sorry if this has already been mentioned or if the OP has already got everything she needs from the thread, but the latest post I’ve read from you is that you were only asking for advice because you were worried about reputational damage.

What do you think the damage to your reputation would have been amongst your social circle if you had actually got what you wanted and he had reciprocated - would you have cared?

I’m not trying to be a bitch. I sympathise with you and we all know relationships don’t work out sometimes so you wonder, if you’re attracted to someone, if they are willing to leave their partners. But it’s not the right thing to do and in my humble opinion would be an awful and jaded way to begin a relationship. So much pain and mixed emotions and difficult practicalities. My above comment was just trying to point out that you really do need to take these comments on board, because while it’s great to be diplomatic we do often act with our own interests, if not at the forefront of what we do, then somewhere not far away. It’s the right thing to do to not pursue this guy, not interpret his contact with you or any other sign of friendship he offers you or has offered you as a window of opportunity.

You're surely not going to try to continue your friendship with him now?

You shouldn't continue the friendship with him at all. You made a move he didn't. Get hes the one probably her to g scrutinised but his wife when he was just trying to help you.
You should have backed off as soon as you started havi g inappropriate feelings. Tell him to not contact you unless it's for work. I would also sugest find I g a new job so you can move on fully.

It's probably been said already but it sounds like the alcohol had a big effect on your behaviour. You might be best

to moderate in future if you end up doing and saying things which can have serious repercussions in people's family lives.

I think you've been lucky. You've been a bit of a fool and overstepped the line, probably linked to the end of your relationship, which I imagine was hard. However, you've immediately got your fingers burnt before you stuck your hand too far in the fire. You might look a bit silly, but you'll get over that, and it sounds as though you needed a stop sign.

This man's wife, on the other hand, is now looking at a situation where she had felt her husband was emotionally getting involved with another person and now feels her fears to be justified (whatever the truth of it from his perspective). That's pretty rough on her, and there might be other back stories she has to work through - who knows?

You can't change the past. However, honestly, now just accept that your 'friendship' has to be totally over for their marriage to heal.

And (I really don't mean this harshly, I mean it from experience) why not also resolve to stay away from blokes for six months - take up a hobby or a sport or do something completely new for a while, until you are actually ready to make better choices . Because while you can't make this 'not have happened' from his wife's point of view, you can put yourself in a better place so it doesn't happen again.

I agree you can't continue the friendship. Find some other friends. She probably unfriended you from Facebook because she didn't want you poring over her pictures for clues about the state of his marriage. I have a friend who was in the same situation as you. She often showed me pictures of his Facebook with perfectly ordinary pictures on that she 'could see he was unhappy with his wife'. I bet she's known people who do the same. Stay away. That's the only way to salvage your reputation at work.

I have had women like you sniff around my DH. I don’t tend to worry because I trust DH will rebuff any advances and it is far more satisfying that it comes from him. I refuse to be drawn into any drama by someone outside of my relationship. But I would certainly delete you from my social media and exclude you from my social circle for being an utterly disrespectful snake. Hope other people will know about it. You deserve that.

How you proceed is that you pull back completely from the friendship. You basically fucked it up with your drunken declaration. Own that mistake and move on. He isn't interested and it sounds like he's super uncomfortable because he's bothered about upsetting his wife and/or leading you on.

Remove him and her from all social media. Delete his phone number. Be civil and polite colleagues for the next 3 months. Don't socialise or contact him outside of work at all.

Move onto your new job and learn from this by not putting yourself in position of heavily leaning on or getting too close with a married man when you are single/unhappy. It's a recipe for disaster.

his was when the relationship between her husband and I was just friendship. It did develop

No it didn't. Not even slightly. You need to accept it was all just you, he was not and is not interested in you past being a mate. Don't try to tell yourself it developed as it didn't.

And you need to be honest with youtself. You thought you were in with a chance. He thought his wife jealous and insecure as he had no romantic intent or attraction to you so couldn't understand why she was jealous. So you decided to go for it. . You got it wrong.

So she had a right to be "jealous" in the first place. Sounds to me like all you are worried about is you. Back off and maybe they will have a chance to work things out. Do you want to be a home wrecker?

You can't call her childish for deleting you from her social media - you clearly aren't her friend and she probably doesn't want you having insight into her life. If her h has anything about him, he should be polite at work, if he absolutely has to talk to you and should avoid at all other times. His loyalty needs to be 100% with his wife, who has done nothing wrong. She was right to not be comfortable with your 'friendship'.
While I think men and women can be friends, it only works if there is no sexual attraction on either side. Once there is, it moves out of friend territory.
His wife has no obligation to protect your reputation - in her shoes I'd be dragging you through the mud, but if you are lucky and keep a proper distance, she will be nicer than me and not do this. But you do have to accept there's no going back to friendship and move away from contacting him. Remove yourself from his fb if he doesn't it already etc.

Are you sure you feel this way about your husband? The first paragraph makes it sounding you have been very tempted to have an affair or may have done something!