My friend’s wife knows that I’m in love with him

[Lou3211]

Hi everyone,
So I’ve been quite stupid. I’m good friends with one of my male co-workers, we work closely together and keep in touch outside of work with very similar interests; it was all quite innocent as we were both in relationships and had socialised with our partners. His wife and I aren’t particularly friendly but I wasn’t too worried as she has a reputation for being quite rude in our social circle.

Fast forward two years after meeting and I was starting to have problems in my own relationship and broke up with my long term boyfriend. My friend was very supportive and offered to help me move out etc but his wife started to feel jealous and insecure about our friendship. I really sympathised as it was affecting both of them: she was unreasonable and he was feeling the strain. I tried to keep a distance but in doing so, realised that I probably did like him on another level. I also thought maybe he was unhappy like I had been.

I tried to keep my distance further until a night out where I got very, very drunk and wore my heart on my sleeve.
Nothing happened, I didn’t touch or try to kiss him but he realised that I like him as more than a friend. (It all sounds very juvenile!)
A couple of days later he raised the issue by text to say he was sorry if I felt like I’d been led in and I apologised, said I was far too drunk and it wasn’t acceptable. It was a brief but honest conversation and we both just said we’d try to go back to normal.

A week later and I’ve just found out that his wife has gone through his phone and seen our messages after the night out.
I have no right to feel this way but I feel embarrassed that she knows, I don’t want her to hate me but it’s surely understandable that she does.

Part of me thinks to just stay calm, I had a little crush but nothing came of it and both her husband and I have acknowledged it was silly. Another part of me is mortified and worried she is going to storm into our work telling everyone what a home wrecker I am.

Should I approach her?
Or should I accept the consequences of what I’ve done and keep well away? She’s unfriended me on Facebook which isn’t very mature but it shows she’s p*ssed off.
Even though ‘nothing happened’ I’m guilty of being attracted to her husband, and letting him know it.

The last thing she needs is you contacting her, leave them to sort it out and move on is best for you. You sound very wounded by your brake up, give yourself time to recover. someone else more appropriate to a great future will turn up, just recover your strength first.

Sounds to me like her gut feeling was right

I can't blame her. I'd personally keep away as you're coming between them

In the kindest possible way, you need to step back and stop any contact with him and his wife. No doubt she is feeling very betrayed and you need to leave them to work out if/how they are going to move forward

And no don't approach her, it's the last thing she needs. And yes you are guilty for letting him know. A crush can be harmless, telling a married man you fancy him is a recipe for disaster

...you said she’s unfriended me on Facebook which isn’t very mature. I'm sorry but I don't think you are in a position to judge what is mature or not. It sounds very much like your relationship went pearshaped and you looked for attention from elsewhere - not caring who you might hurt. Do the right thing now and leave them alone.

I cannot understand how you’re in a position to judge the behaviour of another woman. Looking for solace in another man after your relationship breaks down then berating his wife for distancing herself from you. I think you’re the one, who needs to grow up. Thus far she has behave impeccably. The same cannot be said for you.

she was unreasonable No, she really wasn't. She could clearly see that this 'friendship' was not quite as innocent as you tried to make out, on your part anyway.

And why on earth would she want to remain your friend on facebook? You say that's not very mature, I'd say if that's all she does, you got off lightly. Telling a married man that you fancy him is never OK so stop feeling sorry for yourself and leave these people alone.

FFS. I skimmed through after reading your first few posts.
I'm going to be brutal.
Just step away. He was lovely to you in a time of need. And now you are wrecking his relationship?
Not a good move OP. Not a good move at all.

Mistakes happen, we are human after all.

Let it go, forgive yourself for the embarrassment, move on. Good luck x

What Gaynor said. Chances are the wife will say and do nothing more. He will have told her you are moving jobs anyway (presuming he knows). You feel contrite and embarrassed because you are basically an OK person. Let it go. It will fade and in a year you will look back and go 'phew'. It's a lesson learned.

She doesn’t need, or want, your ‘messages’ and neither does he.

You have made excuses for the whole scenario because you ‘were going through a difficult time’. Fact is, you thought he might be unhappy too so made your move, despite the fact he is in a relationship. You sound very immature and actually quite unpleasant.

You can’t control what they do, only what you do now. If you continue contacting him or her, then you increase the likelihood of word getting round if it hasn’t already.

Don’t contact them.

She was not U. He was behaving unreasonably in having poor boundaries in his “friendship” with you. And you were obviously U.

Don’t look to male friends, especially colleagues, who are in relationships for “support” on your love life.

I agree with notanother

ultimately I don’t know how to proceed

Easy, you don’t

^^ Oops wrong thread. Not sure how that happened!

I agree with NotAnother
People crushes. It happens all the time.
People get drunk and say things they shouldn’t have. Again happens all the time.

NOTHING has happened there. Not a affair, not even the tiny start of an emotional affair. Not lengthy discussions or over sharing. Just someone who shared her feelings when she should have kept them for herself.

The DH was great. Very kindly said NO to the OP, that he didn’t share her feelings. Was true to his love to his dw whilst being respectful to the OP.

The issue OP is that therelationship betwen you and your friend has changed. You can’t bring it back to where it was because at the back of his mind, there will always be a question of ‘does she still love me? Is she doing xxx because of her feelings’ for things he wouod have just taken as an act of friendship before.
If he is weary of that AND weary of upsetting his dw, then it is bond to make any contact with him ackward. Even so if he actually really appreciate you a friend.

I personally think your friend has to decide whether he wants to stay in contact with you or not. He might choose to cut the friendship short the sake of his marriage.
I think you need to be careful of how you behave, lots of self awareness needed there so you don’t put him in a difficult position.
In 3 months time, you won't be there anyway.

what do you do next? absolutely nothing.. don't message her. that won't change whether she tells anyone. yes, you're embarrassed. just get through these next 3 months and then forget about it. put it behind you.

but absolutely leave them alone and don't text her.

What you felt wasn’t unreasonable but telling him was. You could easily have just distanced yourself and said nothing to him like you say you’re changing jobs in 3 months so you could easily justify being distant if it had been raised by him.

You keep asking what to do but people have told you, you just don't like the answer. Leave him alone, you've ruined the friendship, it's now making him uncomfortable to the extent he's being snappy wth you, take the hint he's pushing you away. You will never get 'back on track' because now he'll second guess what you say/do as will his wife, because you crossed boundaries there will be perceived subtext. Walk away, properly.

If I was her I would be pissed off at my partner for even putting himself in a position where this could happen tbh. And seriously, seriously pissed off at you for saying that to him. Married men are not in the market to hear about your feelings for them, even if they don't reciprocate.

That said it's very unlikely she's going to tell anyone in your work that you're a homewrecker (a word, by the way, that's generally reserved for a woman that the married man actually fancies, so I wouldn't use it in reference to this situation to anyone else or you'll embarrass yourself further). Just keep your head down until you move jobs.

God no don’t approach her.
Keep your distance from them both.

** Oh and:

As I understand it my friend loves her and wants to be with her. I won’t be trying to change that.

He doesn't "want to be with her as you understand it", they're married. You sound like you still don't grasp the 'her = wife, you = no one' part. And he's not your friend. And you already did try and change it and he's not interested, so that's not really a noble commitment.

I would go.nc with your Male friend till you change departments. If the wife has noticed,.so have colleagues. Hope you have learnt from.this.

You’re in the middle of a one sided romantic fantasy and you need to back off, from both of them.