My friend’s wife knows that I’m in love with him

[Lou3211]

Hi everyone,
So I’ve been quite stupid. I’m good friends with one of my male co-workers, we work closely together and keep in touch outside of work with very similar interests; it was all quite innocent as we were both in relationships and had socialised with our partners. His wife and I aren’t particularly friendly but I wasn’t too worried as she has a reputation for being quite rude in our social circle.

Fast forward two years after meeting and I was starting to have problems in my own relationship and broke up with my long term boyfriend. My friend was very supportive and offered to help me move out etc but his wife started to feel jealous and insecure about our friendship. I really sympathised as it was affecting both of them: she was unreasonable and he was feeling the strain. I tried to keep a distance but in doing so, realised that I probably did like him on another level. I also thought maybe he was unhappy like I had been.

I tried to keep my distance further until a night out where I got very, very drunk and wore my heart on my sleeve.
Nothing happened, I didn’t touch or try to kiss him but he realised that I like him as more than a friend. (It all sounds very juvenile!)
A couple of days later he raised the issue by text to say he was sorry if I felt like I’d been led in and I apologised, said I was far too drunk and it wasn’t acceptable. It was a brief but honest conversation and we both just said we’d try to go back to normal.

A week later and I’ve just found out that his wife has gone through his phone and seen our messages after the night out.
I have no right to feel this way but I feel embarrassed that she knows, I don’t want her to hate me but it’s surely understandable that she does.

Part of me thinks to just stay calm, I had a little crush but nothing came of it and both her husband and I have acknowledged it was silly. Another part of me is mortified and worried she is going to storm into our work telling everyone what a home wrecker I am.

Should I approach her?
Or should I accept the consequences of what I’ve done and keep well away? She’s unfriended me on Facebook which isn’t very mature but it shows she’s p*ssed off.
Even though ‘nothing happened’ I’m guilty of being attracted to her husband, and letting him know it.

We’ve had to interact at work and he sent me a messsge one evening apologising for the ‘his bad mood’ as he just doesn’t know what to do or say. I said it was understandable and hopefully things will go back to normal soon, aside from me backing off outside of work time.

I let you know as a wife of 29 yrs you will never get away Scot free if you don't cut ties with this man.
What does that mean?
I also think you'd have started an affair. You need to remove them both on Facebook.

There was an ex of my husbands sniffing around 29 yrs we've been married . Not seen her around till 5yrs ago suddenly she starts turning up at the pub he goes to on a Friday . He told me she was getting flirty and made a pass at him. We live in a small village where every one is a fly on everyone's wall , he had to tell me because my neighbour was there in the pub at the time and sure enough told me as I went to the car in the morning. I can still remember the anger to this day I didn't have to confront her as word got back to her and she never bothered us again . Just don't be a fool I know you will not come out from this well . Can you imagine how your work mates will treat you when word gets around .

Of course hes in a bad mood. His wife now suspects hes having an affair when in reality it was all in your head.

Honestly, I think you’re looking at this all wrong. Your ‘friend’ will have known that you fancied him and liked the ego boost it gave him. He should have distanced himself from you both out of loyalty to his wife and to be a decent friend.

Stop viewing his wife as the problem here. You haven’t behaved well here and neither has he. She may be the only one who has.

Leave them both alone and move on with your own life.

That’s really perceptive. I don’t view her as the problem ... I just selfishly wish she didn’t know. I’m not proud of it, it was a poor decision on my part but I can’t take it back. And being honest, I don’t want anyone else knowing but I can’t control that ... trying to though.

Fair. There’s nothing I can do to help her now though is there? I’ve considered dropping her a message to say it’s all on me and her husband seemed unaware, I’m going through a difficult time and I made a poor decision

That’s because you’re embarrassed and ashamed. Of course you don’t want anyone to know.

Honestly just move on and distance yourself from him. The job move will probably be a really good thing for you.

Don't send anything. Bad idea.
Ignore, small talk about work only.
You will be leaving soon as you said.

his wife started to feel jealous and insecure about our friendship. I really sympathised as it was affecting both of them: she was unreasonable and he was feeling the strain.

I don’t think you’re quite clear on the meaning of “sympathised”.

She’s not the one in the wrong here.

My relationship of two years is in tatters because of a woman like you. She was my DP's ex but was his 'friend' and overstepped lots of boundaries. You should be ashamed.

You say you're not proud of it etc but is that because he didn't reciprocate, would it be a different story if he did??

I think as the wife I would have contacted you already. She's probably giving her husband a bad time for this and maybe sending a msg explaining it was all you would help them.. 🤔

Its all about you OP isn't it. you don't give a shit about his wife. You sound patronising in calling her immature and rude. Actually its you. She should tell you to fuck off.

My relationship of two years is in tatters because of a woman like you. She was my DP's ex but was his 'friend' and overstepped lots of boundaries
I think you'll find that bad women cannot be bad women without bad men. Your relationship is in tatters because your partner responded to a woman like OP. Perhaps a change in outlook may help?

Going against the grain here.

You developed feelings - it happens. When drunk you told him because again this happens when drunk.

You didn't act on it nor did he.

You then discussed it and both acknowledged it would never happen.

You weren't trying to steal him away you just felt how you felt. He obviously wasn't interested in that way and let you know it so his wife knows he's loyal to her.

I think it's understandable why she doesn't want to talk to you. But all the nasty comments from posters is just grim.

You made a mistake.
He was sensible.
His wife rightly feels uncomfortable.

Best thing to do is let this friendship fade away. But you are not a bad person and haven't done the sin of a century.

It sounds like you were trying to start an affair with him and he didn’t reciprocate. Just leave them both alone

Well it is a post about what I should do in this situation ... so it will seem quite self-indulgent?
Two sides to every story and maybe I was a bit hasty typing it out as I reread it.
She should tell me to fuck off, she should be livid but ultimately I don’t know how to proceed.

Oh lovey. I've said this before on here, but crushes are bloody awful. They make us do really crap things.
Listen, I'm married to my best friend in the world, and the best looking man I know, and over the years I've had the most horrible, humiliating crushes on various people, and I've been just lucky enough not to have done anything all that awful despite how much of a twat I am. And I thank my lucky stars that have saved me from myself.
Oh and work nights out can bring out a lot of in vino veritas. Oh blimey. How glad I am that I'm a middle aged mummy with wonky teeth and a bedtime to get back to.
Nothing all that bad has happened, you didn't get off with the guy, you're still mates, you've said you're sorry, of course his wife is miffed but if she trusts him (and he sounds decent) then she might get over it. Anyway, that's between her and him, not him and you.
(A colleague of mine outed himself to me once by saying how much he fancied my husband. I took it as a compliment. Ok, that was a different situation because I knew the colleague didn't represent a threat, but - maybe, just maybe, part of her is thinking "What a prince among men I have married! Well, I can't blame her for fancying him..)
You can't control who you fancy, more's the pity, so, you can't be "guilty of it". Nothing bad happened. It's going to be ok. Steer rather clear of him on work nights out and don't get too hammered! xx

(Also - I speak from the heart - again and again I find myself thinking "Oh God! We could have been such good mates, if only I hadn't fancied him!" Bloody awful. I can't remember who it was who said he was glad he'd lost his sex drive because it had been like being chained to a maniac.

Are you hoping if you contact her she'd kick him out? Bad idea!

No, I’m hoping she’d feel a bit better and subsequently not tell everyone we know about my stupidity. As I understand it my friend loves her and wants to be with her. I won’t be trying to change that.