Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

This Is him testing the water. What a coward. Do not respond. He made a decision to send that text. That wasn’t flippant. Someone’s obviously starting to realise the grass isn’t greener. Your plan is working. Back in control.

I agree you shouldn’t reply. Im sure a little part of him will now be wondering if you will text back. And after him leaving you wondering about what’s going on these past few months it’s about time the shoe was on the other foot! He doesn’t deserve a response anyway, all he has done is forward a text. I do think he is testing the waters but with minimal effort. You are being so strong and silence is sometimes the most powerful weapon. Also, what your husband doesn’t realise is that you are currently going through the grieving process. Each day he stays away is another day you are healing. It might not feel like it but as each day passes you are slowly moving through the grief. Whereas your husband is putting all that on hold. At the minute he’s off out doing whatever he wants. But trust me, one day it will hit him. You don’t just leave a 20 odd year marriage and not feel it. But, when he does come back after the novelty has worn off, you won’t be the same person. You will have become stronger and you will have moved on. Whereas he will still have to go through all the emotions etc. It won’t seem like it but you are in a much better position than you think. I understand people wanting to leave marriages. But you don’t just stop caring about that person. The fact your husband has not contacted you once to check your ok makes me think you are so much better off without him. I’m cheering you on from the sidelines x

Cuttingthegrass. Sorry if I came across as sharp, but I don’t need to continually be reminded H doesn’t give a toss. The fact I’ve spent the last 11 weeks alone without any contact is reminder enough.

Angeanon and Somekindoflove. As I’ve said numerous times in other posts, NC is the only thing I can control and I have no intention of giving that up.

I know H will be totally flummoxed that I’ve just left him to get on with it, but I will appear dignified even when I’m as heartbroken as I was yesterday. Only my best friend and the posters on this thread know how I truly feel.

I’m going to watch the last episode of “The Split” now.

Maybe It’ll take my mind off my problems watching a programme full of dysfunctional individuals with relationship difficulties 😂. Chin chin 🍷

You're doing great lily. The NC will be helping you heal even if it doesn't always feel like it.
Another rec for the headspace app-for only 15 mins, it's worth a punt.

Grief isn't a linear process so it's normal to feel good about making progress & then feel floored & gutted when you're back to the initial raw heartache of it. Embrace the tears & allow yourself to wallow in the despair for a short time so it passes easier. You are progressing on this journey & for the foreseeable future, pretend that he has ceased to exist, seems beneficial for you. I really admire your strength.

You're doing so well!

You don't respond to anything. Read, delete.
Carry on as before. We know how hard it is, but it really is easier than engaging. You are all that matters here, and you're doing just fine.

Actually I think everyone is right, don't respond. He will be wondering why you haven't. Everyone always wonders when they send a text if they don't get a response back.

I suspect you've had a better day, and I don't think there is hidden meaning there, he was just passing on thr info the dog needed it's booster. It would be remiss of him not to. It's the bloody dog. So I think you're right he was just passing it on.

He is a prime piece of shit, I'm sorry Lilly but he is. He's not checked your ok once as a pp said. Probably too scared to more than he doesn't give a toss. Too ashamed. I bet he fucking asks others though, because he does give a toss. Too much ego not to.

Enjoy your wine and program, 💐

Yes I thoroughly enjoyed the last episode. Having worked for a lot years in a legal practice, a bit far fetched BUT the actor who played the Dutchman, Christie Carmichael, is just gorgeous. Definitely wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating biscuits 😍

I dont cry much these days, but when I do, its a bit like a storm and then I sleep better and the next day, like after the rain, there are more flowers and everything looks a bit greener. You are grieving for your memory of him and to move forward so you should! Gotta let the pain out to make space for new good things is what I tell my daughter who hates cracking to tears too. But remember, its your memory of things and unfortunately he has infact become an arse unworthy of you!

Whats The Split like? I have started watching Tabula Rasa (womans finds self, susses out husband is cheating, looses memory, gets haunted, its a spooky thriller) on channel4 catch up and very pleased Humans is back on too. Also enjoying some old docs and interviews on bbc website about brave female explorers and dreaming of all the adventures I can have and how cool the grandkids will think I am one day lol. Tc Lily

Bluntness. I was talking to my friend earlier and we were chatting about H not really being able to get any info as to what I’m up to. The only people he keeps in touch with and who are in touch with me, are my neighbours and each time I speak to either him or her I act like I’m doing absolutely fine.

BettyBaggins. I quite enjoyed “The Split”. The papers were a bit critical of it but I thought it had some decent, and sometimes funny, story lines

Well worth a watch for the gorgeous Dutchman 😜

Noted!

Hi Lily, I'm almost 8 yrs down the line from where you are. I too was with exH 25yrs, married 23 when he met OW.

Today I'm happy, in retrospect very happy not to be married to him anymore - though I have some real, and very happy, memories of our marriage. My advice would be to detach as much as you can. You have no control over his emotions and choices, he will be justifying it all to himself anyway. I made the decision (within a couple of months) that if he wanted the marriage to be over HE had to do the leg work. He divorced ME for unreasonable behaviour, I didn't even have to read the petition, just say I'd got it. (I read it years later).

We were divorced within 6 months, he married OW 5 months later. All over in less than 12 months.

It meant I could get on with my life.

ExH and OW have a very different marriage to the one he and I had, but when I met her last year for the first time she asked if he was very moody when he was with me. lol, the leopard has not changed his spots and their honeymoon is over.

Detach and ditch him would be my advice. Learn to live again and love your new life. I'm planning a big new adventure / move for 3-4 yrs time, one I could never have made if I was still with him. Life is good. Oh and the unreasonable behaviour thing caused incredulation among family and friends, they all knew the truth, he is the one who crashed in their estimation, not me. I remained reasonable, pleasant, and maintained all of my good relationships with his family - who after 25yrs were my family too. I still see more of his family than he does, get included in events etc. My choice. Good luck, remember, detach and ditch as soon as you can, it's healthier for YOU.

I agree re: the Dutchman. Gorgeous.

Morning.

Catsrus. Thank you for your post. I’m glad you’re out the other side and happy. I don’t know how I feel about divorce at the moment but I’ve obviously thought about it. We’ll have to see what happens.

I’ve got to take my car for MOT this morning, something I’ve never had to do before 🙄, I’m hoping there are no problems and it passes. I’ve then got a counselling session this afternoon. I was supposed to have an induction session at the gym but they’ve cancelled due to being short staffed, so I need to rearrange that.

Bluntness. Your comment about not replying to the text is accurate. H would always check his phone constantly if he’d sent a text waiting for a response. If me not replying to him pisses him off, bonus 😜

Morning lily, you're sounding strong and determined this morning, I like it!

MOT will only be weird this first time because it's new to you, you'll be fine and next time you'll be fearless and confident about it. There'll be lots of firsts, but every time you successfully tackle one, you'll find the next one easier.

Hope the counselling goes well and good to hear you're starting with the gym.

@Lily007 I read your posts with admiration. Your feelings are so familiar to me. I'm two months in since I found out about the OW and their pregnancy. Six weeks since he moved out. It's amazing how one text can make you feel like you're losing your mind. You're stronger than I am.

My sister bought me the book, Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark (terrible title!) and I've got to say that it's been really valuable so far.

Imagine how powerful you will feel once you've taken the car for it's first MOT! You CAN do it!

Incidentally, many things that men 'insist' they do 'because it's easier if I do it', actually turns out to be piss-easy and the only reason they insisted on doing it in the first place was so that they got brownie points for doing a job. Compare it to keeping a house, working and motherhood, and the things they insist on being 'their jobs' turn out to be something any woman can do with her eyes shut.

MOT will only be weird this first time because it's new to you, you'll be fine and next time you'll be fearless and confident about it. There'll be lots of firsts, but every time you successfully tackle one, you'll find the next one easier

Agree with this. Lots of ‘firsts’. I have slowly built up a group of tradesmen I trust and have yet to have a problem that couldn’t be solved by either YouTube or by throwing money at it. Local Facebook groups are good for recommendations, Last year, I had the downstairs of my house remodelled and a new kitchen put in which was HUGE but I dealt with it all and paid for it myself! Very proud. You’re doing great.

Hope the counseling is helpful

Have just figured out on my iphone how to mark a thread as one I want to watch. Sorry for the Confusion caused by my comment.

Well done @wiseoldbird! (I think I am tagging people wrong but they seem to answer lol)

@I just google imaged The Split to peek at the dutchman..... Be very careful looking at images when searching for 'split'. Ohh my eyesss!

Meant to tag Lily above but being a thick fingered dufus typing on kindle.

Well my car passed its MOT thankfully. The mechanic at the garage was laughing at me as I’ve only done just over 1,000 miles since the last MOT a year ago 🙈

BettyBaggins. That post about googling the split has just made me laugh 😂

Had a fair to middlin’ day today. Almost had a meltdown when something reminded me of the holiday we’d booked but had to cancel but I just told myself not to dwell on it and did something to get my mind off it.

Thing is, whilst I know with time I’ll feel better, I can’t imagine ever being happy again. I wish I could understand how H could just switch his feelings off in a matter of months! I’ll probably never get the answer though.