NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Good to hear from you NK! Glad you're doing well.

I think after that little foray into AIBU that I'm going to delete mumsnet. People don't even reading the fucking OP properly before they jump in both feet with bitchy comments. Feel totally shit now. Women are so anti-women at times.

LiteraryDevil I can't remember when it was but years ago I posted about my ex and how I wanted to leave him. I remember everyone saying they felt sorry for him or something and how I was out of order. In the end years later I left as he was emotionally abusive. But I remember how cruel those women were to me in that thread and I actually stayed with him for years longer than I may have if I'd got the right response. Just ignore them and don't you dare leave us and this thread.

NC Day 23 for me which is insane. It'll be 5 weeks since I last saw him on Saturday. Got my date that day, but I'm not getting my hopes up. At the moment I'm enjoying the chat - he is very chatty though, like as soon as we start texts that's it he's messaging me all day. Although to be honest I quite enjoy that and especially couldn't be putting up with bad communication like you have LD. But as he's messaged you now I would probably give Saturday's planned date the go ahead but definitely have my options open.

It's so weird with dating now though, as I've been stung by the anti commitment knobs of the world. I don't even know when I'd broach commitment with a new guy I'm dating. I wouldn't even want to waste my time dating someone who is just after a shag, but how do you even know? So many of them play like they want more and then months in they actually tell the truth.

NK.. well done! good to hear you're feeling better. Yes early days are so tough. with 23 years history not sure how you're doing it! It's so hard when they withdraw but we do deserve better.
Literary. Don't go anywhere! not kept up with the thread. How is the OLD going?
I'm feeling low today. My mum mentioned how unlucky I've been with men. I still can't say a bad word about my NC. If he was really awful it might help. I can't get this imaginary 'thing' of him out of my mind. Am I crazy?

Tictactic it's not good but apparently the knowledgeable of mumsnet have me down as needy, full on, hard work etc.

see my post. Can't believe how horrible people are. Glad my self esteem is ok otherwise I think I'd be in tears at how I'm such a dreadful person to date and how he won't give me a second date and how he'll have a lucky escape.

To cancel this date? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3251617-to-cancel-this-date

@Literary I haven't read the whole thread just skimmed over it. Try not to take it too personally. What matters is how YOU feel with regards to this chap. It's impossible to say without meeting him. However If you don't feel right about it, trust your instincts. It's commendable you're getting back out there after NC x

Thanks tictactic! Glad to know you're doing ok.

I'm not sure about him and would like a little more interest shown. Not loads. No love bombing. Just a looking forward to it kind of thing! Surely not too much to ask. However he did text this morning. I'm just so wary after my experiences and probably over cautious.

That’s the thing LiteraryDevil these guys responding in that thread don’t know you, they are going off a few words and giving their stupid strong opinions. Most of them sound like they don’t even use a mobile phone really! They have no idea what you’ve been through or why you’re being cautious. I am cautious too, I’ve cancelled several dates now as I didn’t feel a vibe before the actual date itself. That was usually because conversation stopped and I’d see them online on the dating site. I think it’s good to be overly cautious. Maybe ask for your thread to be deleted and just come back here where it’s safe from strong opinionated weirdos ;)

I'm grateful for the support on here

We love you! We know you a lot more than those losers do so ignore them, get the thread deleted.

I'm grateful for all the support from all of you. I never imagined I would even do NC, and without this thread I'm sure I would have caved and gone back like I have done at least twice before and been used and treated like crap again.

I know now I will be okay and can get through this crappy NC thing and come out the other side a stronger person. x

Meow you're doing great and have come so far in a short time. This time last week you were wavering a fair bit. No you are strong and determined.

I've requested it be deleted. I know they can be harsh over there but some don't read the thread and go off on one and then other posts just post off previous comments. Does my head in.

@nk good to hear

@literary - read your thread, there were some very unhelpful comments on there. I do think communication helps build up the attraction before a first date. And as you say, you don’t want constant texts but texts can give you a sense of the person before you meet them. Maybe the dating thread would have been have been more sympathetic about your very real concerns
@tic hope you’re feeling better, some days are better than others
@meow - Same for me

well I've actually surprised myself. Perhaps it's through feeling lonely.. but I've messaged someone online. Can't actually believe I've done it. I'm not ready but it shows I'm a little more open to it! He lives not too far away from my last NC but around 45 mins from me. I'm viewing it as just chatting. It's kind of scared me!

Tictactic I know what you mean as I had an oh shit moment when I started talking to this guy as realised I'd be going out on dates at some point even if not with him. Scared me too! Just see where chatting takes you. Hope you get more chatting than me

Still not sure about this date. I think a lot of is is hesitation after NC and a good dose of not too sure about this guy. I'm normally very decisive about men but my track record shows I've chosen twats so it's probably good that I'm guarded about him. The bitchy comments have made me ten times more unsure though. The ones saying he'll have a lucky escape if I cancel were especially hurtful.

I've had a nice shopping trip with my mum today and treated myself to some things that I needed anyway because it's overinvested to buy anything new for a date.

How's is everyone? Baby you are very quiet-are you ok? I worry about you x

@Literarydevil just had a read of what’s gone on this evening! Ignore those busy bodies. They don’t know you, they don’t know him and they have no reason to make comments other than cancel or go on the date!!

I can honestly tell you that cancelling date was the best decision I made. I feel completely free now and I just want to enjoy being by myself because you know what - when it’s just me i’m good. And it’s like the universe is responding now almost like I am on the right road again - things are going my way again. Only the good are coming with me. You all have supported me so much and I want to say thank you. The stuff we have gone through together makes me feel like you are all close girlfriends now. Lots of love for you all!!!

Ahhh feeling the love tonight!!! You guysssssssssss. Mwah.

I am extremely guarded with OLD. Even though this guy I'm chatting to has been amazing with communication (maybe even a bit too good- there's not even a gap between messages once we start texting which is a bit like WOAH.) But I am so guarded.

I started chatting to other people a few weeks ago and to be honest I used them for chat and it just faded out. But it was a nice distraction and nice to know other people are out there. This guy has 'potential' but I am SO guarded. I am absolutely not rushing anything. I am not going to be naive or get used again if I can help it. If anything NC was a huge lesson on what to avoid. i want dates, I want effort, I want respect, and not just for the short term x

@Literary.. That's it.. like a oh shit!
but it's also a wake up call. I think I have needed to go through what I have to get over him. But I'm moving on.
@Dimeal. Do you think it's because you cancelling gives you your control back?
I'm feeling more empowered. I'm not ready but I have to say it's nice to chat
Yes we've been through and helped each other so much on this journey.. ups and downs, mistakes etc i want to say thank you all too!

Awww it's so lovely on here tonight!

I feel a bit stupid as he's text quite a bit tonight with immediate replies He hasn't got his kids so maybe that's the difference. I'm finding it so hard to judge things right. I'm not too fussed about him at this stage but like Meow said, I want effort and respect and won't settle for any shit. If it goes tits up I'll be disappointed of course but really am content being on my own. There's that freedom and relaxation with that. Nice if it shows potential, not fussed if it doesn't.

@Tictactic I spotted red flags and I did the right thing and said goodbye. I trusted my gut for the first time! Yes I have power back and a man was interested in me without me having to go OLD and I didn’t want him. So yes it’s a self esteem boost also. I thought about my NC today but only twice and it wasn’t about missing him I guess only habit.
Talking to new men is a good distraction method!

Well you know what they say, rather crudely, that the best way to get over a man is to get under another one! Chatting to other men is the much safer and morally sound way though and I admit to loving chatting to people. It's lovely to be flirted with and to feel someone is interested in you even if it's just online chat going nowhere. We've all taken an emotional battering and flirting and chatting with other men is part of the healing process.

This is now like the dating thread for the fingers burnt recently ladies!

@Dimeal. What red flags did you spot? well done following through with your gut!
@Literary. Yes I'm enjoying the chat.. although he may be totally unsuitable.
I found my NC online straight after we split.. he changed his username and password. Incredibly hurtful and he knows he hurt me and admitted to it. I do feel I wasn't good enough or I did something wrong or I showed red flags to him. I really liked him.