NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Thanks @LiteraryDevil

I've done ok, I've pushed the urge away.
Had a little cry, and a nap at work 😂 then was pretty much ok.

@bitchrestingface28 sorry you broke it.... you haven't taken him back have you??

@babyblue32 no I haven't but only because he has ignored my subtle messages. He said he would message me in a couple of days so I'm going to leave it now. I'm not going to get the answers that I want or why.
I think it's just boredom and the nights that are the hardest.

@bitchingrestface I found nights the worst. Now i’m Ok. You get used to it. At first you wait for him to message, desperately wanting to make contact. If you stay strong and don’t say anything then you get used to it I promise you. Messaging him won’t make it better. I did one weeks NC then messaged him, at first was happy for it then felt worse. After that I sat there through all the emotions going until this point. I can’t lie he crops up in my mind from time to time in the day but I am on a whole better now. Stay NC and time will heal you!

@Baby every step along the way is going to be emotional for you. You are doing so well now! Will you have your Mum with you at the birth? I imagine I would want my Mum whatever my circumstances! I am such a baby at times.

@dimeal I know you're right. I just couldn't help it. We were in contact everyday constantly and I suppose I just need to get used to the silence now. I'm really annoyed now as I mentioned some of the difficulties I was going through and he ignored it. I'm so annoyed with myself for falling for these lies again. I'm angry that when I finally learnt to trust again it was with a prick.

@bitchingrestface use those emotions to feel the anger towards him. Anger is good for a while because when you are angry you don’t cry! That’s what I found anyway. I am waiting for indifference still but I realised that I don’t like him anymore, I wouldn’t go back to him and I have zero temptation to speak to him. I saw a photo of him on my friends Facebook page today and he looked different to me, he looked well but it didn’t make me cry.

@bitchrestingface28 anger and annoyance is good, it's not you crying everyday it's a step. You get urges to message, to hear from them. But they just don't want to know.
If they want to talk they'll talk.

@Dimael my best friend and my mum.
My mums not good with childbirth she can't watch it on tv makes her Vom 😂 so, she'll be there but probably my best Friend will do the most.
Five weeks to go 😬

Tell me I'm stupid.
But I really want to hear from him. But I don't. Because what will I gain - upset and hurt and rage.

Ugh.

I'm so over tired and it's only Tuesday. It's feels like now pregnancy has actually hit me - aka the tiredness and hormones. It's actually real stuff, not him.

I so want him to know about what's going on and to be discussed. But he's more interested in chasing other girls, and having a life.

I know I'm doing well and need to keep it up.... I didn't realise how draining it was constantly fighting an urge to speak to him.

💤

@Baby glad you have a lot of support around you. It is exhausting fighting against yourself everyday not to say something to him but remember what you achieved last time you tried. The next message you send him will be to tell him the baby has arrived - then you have done your bit. I can only imagine how hard it must be with 5 weeks to go. My hormones are out of control at the best of times! 😂😂

Bouncing back in.

Today I found I've only been wanted when it suits. Not when family is around. I think I'm a distraction and no more.

I don't recognise myself. I've lost confidence, feel like I'm the one at fault all the time. That it's double standards...I have to be forgiving and understanding but he's very unforgiving, very demanding and harsh. He really doesn't want to be with me and I don't believe he loves me. I think I've just been an ego boost when he's needed it.
We've not slept together in a while. My decision because it messed with my head too much and I wanted to be sure of his feelings towards me.

I wasn't going to message today but I have. I asked how he was. His reply was 'fine'. Just the one word.

Don't know how I'm going to do this. Really wanted it to work. I've really tried. We split last sept and I've been trying to get him back since.

I started counselling last week....I knew this was coming and that I'd have to go no contact.

Don't know why I haven't been able to do this. Really am very embarrassed that I'm this way now

I know I have to think about all the bad things to remind myself how unkind and unloving he was. I've not wanted too...I wanted to hold out some hope.

It worked when I split from exh. I was devastated but then had a eureka moment and realised he wasn't actually very nice to me. In fact he was horrible, hence me leaving. I felt tons better after that.

I think I've been confused. My new ex has said he loves me, wants me part of his life, that I'm a massive part of his life he just didn't know if was a good idea. Didn't want us to stop seeing each other....I heard all that and it gave me hope.

But last night he told me he's seeing his family for a few days so would be

'Off reservation'

I said, huh??

He told me that, he didn't have capacity for this at the moment

Good evening all. I've had a few days away from the thread again.
@Dimeal. well done on completing the half marathon.. not to mention your time - excellent hope it taken you and extra stage in moving on.
@Baby. stay strong. Must he so difficult not to contact him but remind yourself how it makes you feel. It unfortunately achieves nothing and changes nothing. keep the strength for you and baby.

I think about my NC every now and again. No urge to contact him.
I've been chatting to guy from OLD had one date and ive enjoyed chatting and it's also moved me on further. I can't see it coming to anything and he's asking for second date. It's tough.. I'll have to tell him

Hey guys, been a little while since I've given an update. So I'm Week 7 NC and it's been a really tough journey. Tonight I had to sort my old iphone out and that is where we originally shared messages, so I saw all the old messages and photos. In fact even reading a part of it where I told him I wanted to date not just have sex, and he was all respecting of that. When in fact that's all he really wanted from me. I can just see the early effort he put in and then how after a while the cancellations started coming and the excuses. I stopped reading the messages in the end, it hurt too much. I still miss him, I still wish he'd message but I don't think he ever will again. There is no point to him messaging anyway, as it'd just reignite something I can't be a part of any more. But it hurts to walk away from something I didn't want to walk away from :( I try not to think why I wasn't enough, and try to understand it's just his issue that he can't commit. But it sucks as I know he's out dating again, and I clearly wasn't enough. Oh well/

Hope you are all staying strong and any newbies, it really is a difficult journey. Don't beat yourself up for having slip ups, but just remember every time you go back to them the respect is lessened, and things won't change.

Hugs all xxx

@meowimacat well done!! You're doing well :) of course it hurts to walk away, even now it still hurts. I think we all have to come to terms with that in time....

@Dimael thanks bab - I'm just ready for him now. I feel super tense and just had enough of being pregnant (awful to say - but I haven't enjoyed this pregnancy) feeling him wiggle is the highlight.

Father's Day is coming up, the crazy bit of me wants to send a card to his camp ( not sure which one he's at..... so I know it'll get forwarded) or to message him and be like... so happy Father's Day?
I won't.
I can't
I don't want to look mental
I just want a connection..... I want him to reach out and realise what he's going to miss out on.

How can anyone not want to bring up and love something they helped create, when they claimed to want it so badly.

arsehole

Baby he's not a daddy, he's just a sperm donor

I realised late last night as I was dozing that it was my NC's birthday the day before. I hadn't even realised. I realised today that Father's Day will mark a year since we first went away together in the caravan. It was such a good trip and the weather amazing. Think it was the best day of last summer as far as weather went. I had a little pang then but it was fleeting and mainly because of where we went, not because of him. I do often think of him and wonder what he's up to. I suspect he'll be doing not a lot in his child free time as that's what he did before. I know what I said to him (the truth) will have hurt him deeply and will affect any future relationships but I hope he'll use that as impetus to work on his issues. I still feel a major sense of relief not having him around. He stressed me out and I barely realised how much. It was only once single again that I felt like a weight had been lifted. We were meant to be away this coming weekend in the caravan and I don't feel anything at all knowing that it's not happening now. Nothing at all except relief I won't be there with him!

Can I join the thread? Need help to go NC. Some of you have probably seen my posts on the dating threads and several other threads regarding someone I met on line. Things had not been great from the start, we have had several fall outs. Last weekend I had enough, he was meant to be staying at mine all weekend but Sunday morning I asked him to leave (after he pissed me off several times). I hadn’t made contact with him until today when I caved in and sent him a stupid meme about putting in effort (he has put in hardly any), it ended up turning into a argument and I eventually told him I wasn’t talking anymore as I’m wasting my time, i then switched off my phone. I know I need to go no contact, he’s trying to make me feel bad as he lost a close friend yesterday, keeps saying he needs a hug etc...

I’m trying to remind myself of all his bad points, he doesn’t think before he acts, he isn’t that great in bed (selfish), doesn’t take great care of himself and never makes me feel special. I know he’s no good for me and it would never work. I need to stop myself contacting him, he’s not going to change and I know I can do better.

I’m not short of men wanting to date me, men that would probably treat me better and show me more respect.

I need to be strong.

@Literary. I do think you're over your ex now. In fact I think you've been over him a while. Are you still OLD?
@Lovemusic. You're in the right place. Remind yourself.. why would you want to be with someone who you feel is selfish in bed? lacks respect for you? of course you can do better.

Had a bit of a crap moment tonight. When my NC ended it.. via text! he went back online, changed his username and added a photo. He made some silly excuse that he couldn't get off match and was trying everything. Did he think I was f@#king stupid? Anyway I haven't seen him online until tonight where I could see he was active. I'm ok ish.. Just make a it real and 'realtime' to see him. Was I not good enough?
I'm chatting to someone who I've met and may meet up.with him again. Don't think he's right but...

I have arranged a date with someone (I old iron) to take my mind off of things, he’s not really relationship material but he is kind and we have things in common. Not sure if it’s really a good idea but it’s better than sitting at home looking at my phone all day.

@didsomeonesaybunny it's hard. It's taken me along time (basically all my pregnancy) to sort of come to terms with it. I still struggle. I find it very hard because when we got together the very start he said he wanted to try for baby 😬 I didn't. Gave reasons about timings... but said if happens I'll go ahead. And now he's always like It wasn't supposed to be now. Such shit.
I have one month left - I haven't seen him since the start. And every time i tried to talk - he didn't care. And still doesn't

@LiteraryDevil
I know. Realising it more and more.

@didsomeonesaybunny
Yeah. It's tough. I've called him out over and over and kept holding on to hope that he might realise and be the father he claimed he wanted to be.

But it's not that way, it won't be that way.
I've seen his activities on social media - he can randomly comment on girls stuff and chasing V
he actually said he wished he was
That was great

He's asked how baby has been doing once in 8 months.

I guess they always tell to what they think to you do want to hear, but when It comes down to it they change their tune.

Don't let him in when he dumps her for a bit.... it's tough and hard but try to focus on you and baby..... honestly
Try and enjoy it.
That's something I regret not enjoying it

I burst out crying on the bus! I had a bad day at work and tried to dip my toe into internet dating only to be rejected as not bring their type. It must of triggered something and made me really sad. Also i miss his dog whom I adore and who adores me like crazy.
I really wanted to message him but I didn't know what to say. So I didn't. I feel all sorts of confused. Angry at myself for keeping going despite his gambling problem and alcohol dependency. This is peppered with feelings of nostalgia foe the good times. Additionally I have a feeling he is seeing someone new. Just before he dumped me he talked about a woman who lived in his block of flats a lot.
Gosh I didn't realise my self esteem was so low. Upwards and onwards.
Keep going everyone tomorrow is a new day

@Middleageddreamer
You'll have days like that, they do get easier. Crying is natural sometimes you really do just have to let it flow... it helps.
Missing the dog more than him - that's a pretty good sign!!! And you should let me make you smile at least!

You're not there to make sure he doesn't drink and gamble. If he finds another woman that does that, more fool Him and her. Because she'll realise and run and he'll be alone again.

Don't take the OLD thing personal.
Just keep trying - rejection is a process on OLD and tbh... sometimes it helps thicken the skin a little.

You'll get there xx