NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

@Dimael best of luck for Tuesday babes!! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you :)

I'm with you!! I feel done with it all. I'm very angry, and I'm now thinking ok. We've both not talked, I've blocked and got on.
But in 7 weeks it's all going to change.

I'm glad your in better frame of mind and less stressed!! And I'm glad you feel done, and letting go of the 'HES ignored me, so I'll be shitty'. Anger is good step? Have you been angry about it before.... it's all stages isn't it
Hurt
Upset
Self pity
Self doubt
Desperation
Annoyance
Upset
Anger
Hate
Accepting
Maybe not in that order lol

I feel like I'm posting more on this thread now I've stopped bothering with him.... but I find it's better for me to post and talk to you all, or I'll end up overthinking about him.

@Baby think it fills a void talking here which replaces the contact you have with him plus it stops me from annoying more friends by going on about it loads and loads!

Thanks for the luck! Not the best I have ever felt about an exam but fingers crossed.

I have done hurt, self pity, doubt, desperation, upset x 20, disgust and hate but not anger. I feel like I have accepted it but that to me still doesn’t feel like moved on so maybe I haven’t. It’s tough!
How are you feeling with 7 weeks to go? I would love to be a mum but it hasn’t happened yet for me.

@Dimael
Nervous, anxious, excited and impatient
Just starting to get my hospital bag ready, just really want him here now. The first 5/6 months went so fast. Now it's slowed right down.

It'll happen when you least expect it - believe me lol.

Yeah I agree, sometimes I want to message my friends but I've already had a moan so I don't. I come here.

You're in a better place mentally, that's moving on.
It takes time to want to let someone else in, and regain the trust, have to go through getting to know someone and learn to let them in. Moving on had different meaning for each I guess.

You'll get there :) I think we've all got to a better each personally.

@Baby it’s like that for me and this exam lol! Was going so fast then today time has just slowed right down!! Just keep busy getting things ready to pass time he will be here soon enough.
I know everyone keeps telling me that. I thought I was pregnant in late January/February as was really late and had kept throwing up and that was the reason why I stuck with my NC a bit longer. Getting my period back I had no reason to stay anymore.

These experiences will make us stronger in the long run I am sure. No more bad men for me. Safe and boring all the way! 😂

Good luck on your exam.

Also congratulations on your future arrival. Bet you this weather is tough. And I thought being pregnant in spring was bad.

I don’t get these men, why can’t we find decent ones or real decent ones. I thought I had my life sorted. I was also at uni studying but I’ve had to quit because of it all.

I haven’t got to the anger stage yet sadly because my heart and mind are aching and loving, and longing for him. Just keep saying I wish I could go back 3 months. Or for him wake up and realise what he has lost because he will never be with someone like me.

Doesn’t help when I still have my wedding date to get through, my sisters wedding is also just after mine!

@Dimael
Tuesday will soon be here!! I hope you smash it
I know hate saying the - you're time will come speech. But when it does you'll be like - oh here it is lol.
Sounds awful to say, but I suppose you where lucky, a baby doesn't change a man like that (as you know from what I've said)
You want a baby to be with someone you really see it with, I know things change. But, ideally for me I'd love this to be a real family. That's the hardest part for me, I always wanted that little family. It still bugs me I don't know HIS family, but that's a little niggle now and then

Boring men, sound the way forward 😂😂

@confused3317
Thanks, I've been lucky so fair tbh, it's been hot but tolerable. Also I'm stuck at work all day, so I don't get the extreme heat waves in the day

You're going to struggle. It's not just a break up. It's a break up of a soon to be marriage - it's you two planning a life and him fucking off. It's your having your son get used to a person around. It's you having to cope and deal with it, with no real answers.

It's unlikely you'll get a real answer, so hard as it sounds... I wouldn't hold out for one.

Your wedding date - surround yourself with friends. Tell them you need them on that day.
Sisters wedding, get someone to have little one after wards and party the night away! Enjoy it. Your sister will want you too share the day with her.

@confused.. it takes a while to sink in. Your mind goes into denial I think to protect yourself if that makes sense. With your NC I think he sounds overwhelmed and depressed
@Dimeal welcome back! fingers crossed for you for your exam. At least when it's over you can concentrate on yourself a bit more and get some headspace.

I had a date yesterday but it highlights I'm not ready. He was sweet but not right for me. I also thought about NC. I'm tired of it all. Just numb but thankfully the anxiety has lessoned and I'm in calmer waters. Just a bit of depression now.. feeling ill always be on my own and never trust again.

@ticactic how long have you been split from your partner? I know how horrible anxiety can be to our feelings. It’s so debilitating at times.

Thanks for everyone’s support given I am new. Really nice to talk to people that understand why you feel the way you do and the heartache that comes with it all. All my friends are in relationships or married so don’t understand where I am at. Because right now I am not just dealing with the break up but everything that comes with it and more.

@Baby I am relieved in so many ways that I don’t have a child with him because it does make it easier and I am so sorry that you have to go through this without the family unit you dreamt of! Again in time a man will come along and he won’t be babies Dad but he will be the next best thing. My friend from school was a single Mum but has found a single Dad and they have made a little family together and it has worked out for her!!

Thanks for the luck! @baby @confused @tictactic I am shattered now from studying so hard!

@Tictactic I feel the same about relationships now. I am giving them a wide birth until I feel ready again. It was worth a shot to get back out there though and test the waters.

@confused the stages come and go and interlink. The worst stage is the first few weeks then it becomes less frantic. I had a final cry and despair stage last weekend but I picked myself up faster than before. Be really patient with yourself. Take good care of yourself and you will get through it. It really is a time thing. Make sure you book something on the wedding day to distract yourself as best as possible. Life has an awful way of making you feel like you have it all then taking it away again doesn’t it?

Feel like we all need a medal for this!

Had an idea.. so in a short paragraph..what would you say to your ex to 'sum it up.. ' I'll go first.

Dear NC
What a whirlwind it was. I have never had such a short relationship with such strength of feeling. From the moment I walked in the door and saw your friendly face waiting I felt at ease. A lunch a drink for first date and we chatted away comfortably and a bit nervously. We enjoyed each other's company so much that we had a second date a few hours later and a third date when you drove back, all in the same day. A feeling like we'd known each other together, plus the spark was so there! We took things steadily and you were forthcoming with your feelings. You shared some of your vulnerabilities and had an amazing weekend away. You literally took my heart so quickly. you talked about the future, our kids meeting and how you were falling for me. The messages then became less. I became nervous and 'knew..' the end was coming. What made it cowardly is you ended it by text. I lost my shit a bit then walked away. You weren't over your marriage, in was right to be wary and you didn't want to drag anyone down. Plans changed I was wiped out. 3 months later and I'm just getting back in my feet. I've no idea what I meant to you.
Tictactic

apologises it was not a shirt paragraph I'm probably a bit of a romantic.. oops

@Dimael yeah, I'm gutted. But. This little guy will be so loved, and he'll always know who is dad is and what happened. I'll never hide it, I fully admit my fault and blame between our situation. But I refuse to feel the bad persona to keep this baby anymore. I've got my family and friends.

You will do well in your exam, you seem a less stressed than you did a few weeks ago 💙

@Tictactic
That's good!!! I'll type mine up and send it tomorrow or later tonight lol x

@Tictactic great idea!! Will definitely write something up. Mine will be long!

@Baby yes accept your part in the situation but do not take full blame! I know baby will be so so loved and that’s all he will need! He has one strong Mama to guide him through life.

@Baby we will do anything for our kids because we know we won’t and can’t let them down especially when others can.

@Tictactic that letter is good. Are you sending it or are you just expressing what you feel?

Dear NC
I guess I really got Into it with you too fast after ending it with someone I was dating on and off. But, meeting you and having you talk a type or way, telling me you wanted me and chasing me was nice. The way we talked all the time, the first time we met... I knew I liked you. I was cautious. I let my guard down with you, I believed all you said to me. I wish it was different. I knew I was difficult and needy at times, but you made me feel I could be myself, you knew my past. How I’d been cheated on and hadn’t really been in a relationship since then.

You had me convinced you wanted ‘more’. I remember after a few weekends of you being distant and off, not seeing me that I couldn’t be bothered with wasting my time. You randomly arrived and I told you I had enough, and you got upset, you actually cried (tried to hide it) but cried in front of me, telling me you didn’t want to go and you loved me. Things are good for a while and you slip back into being a weird type of way which you assume is normal.

I wish things could be different. I wish we had both been adults and said enough is enough, you didn’t really want me, and I didn’t seem strong enough to let you go and not be pulled back. Here we are though, 7 months into a pregnancy - and I’m alone. You’ve shown me the person you are, and everything that you said was just a lie.
I wish you could be different, I wish it could all be different.
We’ve both chosen our paths now.

That’s what I’d say to his face. Not over text or a call. To his face. Because I know text and calls mean nothing. I’d also give him my phone so he could read his POF account and advise him to change it. Because everything stated on it is shit. (Yup he’s on pof - had been the whole time and actively using it)

I noticed I said I wished it could be different like four times.... and I do. Mainly because of how much he hurt me. I'm better with that hurt now. It's not raw like it was.

Have my son crying again tonight because his dad has gone. I have been a mess myself as it was 3 months to the day that my fiancé walked out. How can someone do this to people they love? I couldn’t never hurt anyone like this

@confused3317
You're going to have days like this :(
You just have to fight through it.
With little one, I don't know what to suggest or say.
My answer would be he's very busy and has to go away. But that's me.

Be strong. Focus on the fact of what he's done to you, and not the love you feel.
People that love you don't do it, they don't hurt you like that

Good luck today @dimael

@Bluebaby32 my son is 8, so he knows the truth or most of it. Because he was blaming me at first because he said I caused the arguments and I made him leave. Then he started to blame himself. I put all this into the letter I sent my fiancé. Can’t believe he hasn’t responded to it. Just really wish it wasn’t like this for any of us x

Hello all. I have been lurking and reading your accounts and feelings. It is so helpful. My partner called time on our relationship 4 weeks ago. It's not just him it was me too. I never got over a gambling addiction he had which he concealed from me pretending to work when he was sick and other concealements. He had a breakdown and also had racked up tens of thousands of debt. Turns out it was his second big relapse the first was when he didn't know me. Anyway our relationship floundered and i became almost like his carer always checking if he had money, always worrying about money and always paying for things. We didn't live together and one of his issues is that I should have looked after him more when he had the breakdown. I did my best but i was so traumatised. It's so hard I really miss him.

@Dimael yes good luck!! Keep us updated!!!

@Middleageddreamer I'm sorry? You didn't look after him enough: what an absolute tool.
You might think you miss him, but tbh it sounds like you didn't enjoy any of it. You miss the routine.
That's what it is, routine and having someone there.
You'll pull through, it's not your place to fix his issues. You can help someone, but only help. You can't make i You better and make sure he stays on track all the time. You wouldn't have a life.
That's not a relationship you've just said it - you became hiscarer that's not right

Thank you Babyblue I absolutely needed to hear that.You have knocked a bit of sense into my head. You are so correct and i did not have responsibility to fix him. Spot on with missing the routine.
Anyway no contact fully starts today.
Distracting myself with a friend and planning some walks

@confused @babyblue thanks so much for the luck!! Got myself really wound up with stress last night and didn’t sleep much so am feeling it now. Don’t know what to do with this free time I have back again. Will try and write the letter that @Tictactic suggested doing. It really hit me what you said @baby about slipping into good times again for a while before bad behaviour creeps back in. I have experience of that one.

@Middleageddreamer
I found that here, I got brutal words. Brutal but caring words I needed to here. Sometimes an outsiders view is what you need.
But you can't fix his life. You can't make him stop an addiction. His blaming you and saying you'd not done enough.... that's just an escape because he doesn't want to own up. Don't let him ruin you just because he's willing to ruin himself.

@Dimael oh babes!! I'm sorry you got stressed out not great on exam day :( bu I really hope you did well. Fingers crossed 🤞🏼
Free time

• park run
• make a blanket (I started and found it very therapeutic)
• a new hobby?

Write the letter when you feel ready. Yep, it's always a false sense of security - oh they've changed and they slip back.

@confused3317
Don't blame you.
Also don't get so in-depth with it, he's 8. He doesn't need to see you so upset and hurt when you tell him. Keep it short and sweet. Explain it more when he's older. X

Dear ....
I knew from the first moment I saw you that you would be a big part of my life. I was young and scared and I did my best to keep my distance from you. The interest you showed in me was hard to refuse. Next thing I knew it was 4am and I was still awake sat beneath the stars just laughing and talking to you. I knew I was in trouble that very moment.

I have never met someone who I clicked with so easily. Our interests and values are so alike and our relationship easily built. I can’t imagine ever having this feeling again. We had something special I am sure of that.
You are the first man to see the beauty of me without make up, with the big curls that I always hide. I was natural with you, I could be myself and it felt so good.

Why did you have to change? Why did you stop communicating with me. I needed to know what was going on so I could help you. Cutting me out and pushing me away was torture to me. I felt alone, anxious and on edge. You knew I would stand up for myself eventually. I had to leave μωράκι μου. Not because I didn’t love you but because I love myself. I know you were hurt by me but you was hurting me too.

I forgave you more than I would ever forgive another person. I’m ashamed to say that. I hope one day I can find happiness again. I’m so disappointed it won’t be with you.