NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Big hug baby

Its only a curtain rail that needs putting up. And we were supposed to be dismantling the wardrobe and moving it downstairs (can't just be moved in one piece). Have now decided not to do the wardrobe and have an actual friend coming to do the rail today. Hate the children being let down by anyone. Their dad's have let them down enough over the years.

@Lit - thanks I need it today, super angry (think its more letting myself being bothered by it than the actual issue itself)

Oh I see, well glad some of it is getting done now :)
That's something, but id feel frustrated by that too.

I was meant to ask if you've had anymore luck with OLD?

Chatting to a guy but not feeling it. Think he's too old as is 8 years older which makes him 49. He's got kids who are late teens/early 20s and I have a 3 year old. He also rarely seems them which I find odd.

@LiteraryDevil
That's a shame? Anyone else or just that guy?

How's everyone coping?

All good

❤️

Just that guy. Not chatting to him now. Something not right there I think. OLD is very unproductive and I have no matches at all at the moment. Eharmony are shit as only give you a handful every few days or so. They eke them out to keep you paying longer. My subscription is nearly up and won't be renewing it at all. I often wonder if NC signed up to any other sites or has met someone but it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I don't miss him, I just miss having someone to do stuff with.

Hope everyone is ok x

Morning all. how is everyone doing?
I'm not sure why but I seem to have developed a lot of anger.. it's a delayed anger. Is this normal?

Back here again as i broke my NC was NC for nover two months then stupidly i let him reel me back in. Two months on it's all gone tits up again with me trying to kill my slef three weeks ago. (Paracetomol over dose). Which ultimately almost sent me into liver failure ten day stay in hospital saved my liver. NC knows i was in hospital spoke twice on the phone while i was there. ( he doesn't know but think he may suspect). Few text then he just went quiet usual pattern really he's full on for about 8 weeks or so then goes quiet. I've text yesterday to ask what's going on? Says he will contact me when he's ready??? I'm done and told him so but i'm not sure i'm strong enough right now.....i'm a wreck really.....all over the place and i have to go back to work Monday. Work don't know the true nature of my hospital stay neither do my family....I feel so alone lost etc. Really just need a hand hold now and a hug??

Hi

I am new to this site. I am in nc with my ex fiancé. Was due to be married this summer. He left 3 months ago.

@Lit - that's a shame. Have you tried other sites?
Oh, I dread getting back to OLD.

@tic - Nope, delayed anger is normal... I think. I've been proper raged recently - but I think that could also be the hormones. Don't bottle it up lovely, let it out. You got to let that anger get out, or it'll fester inside you. Sending soothing vibes lol.

@Oliking
BIG HAND HOLD AND MASSIVE HUG.
Stay away from this man. He'll contact when he's ready?
I'm sorry you felt that you needed to take this route... I canr even begin to imagine what must of been running through your mind.
I think you really need to talk to your family. Or friends. You need support. Thinking of you.

@Confused
Welcome, get it out. vent, rage, type until your fingers bleed.
I'm sorry its happened. What happened? If I can ask

Babyblue thank you. I'm still not sure why i did it....just wanted not feel anything if i'm honest!! I won't be telling anyone in real life what happened as i feel so stupid about it all and regretted doing it almost straight away. Still i didn't take myself to hospital until a full 12 hours afterwards and only did so because i couldn't stop vomitting and wretching. I'm just grateful i haven't caused any life changing damage to my liver. Now i'm just angry with myself for letting NC get to me to that point. Ultimately it's been a lesson learned that i was just kidding myself that NC cared about me because if he did he would be with me. As my daughter says it shouldn't be this hard. Mum if he wanted to be with you he would!!!!

@Oliking

Sometimes irrational thoughts take over and you don't realise how irrational is was until the deed is done.
Maybe not tell them now, but tell them in time.

See this is the thing with the NC
You want them to want you the way you want them, that you'll do anything and everything for them.
When in reality - they where the lucky ones, lucky to have had our love given to them, because (personally) I don't throw the L word around. I give it when I mean it. It takes a lot.

And what your daughter says is true, everyone of us who knows our situation has had a friend or family member remind us
if they want you, they will be there. If they want to talk to you they will contact you. If they want to see you they will see you

I found/ and still find that I want him to still prove he really did mean it when he said he loves me

But I've come to accept he doesn't.
I just need to focus on that

That's what you need, focus. Its hard.
But I feel 1000x better than I did 2 months ago.

Hi thanks for wanting to listen.

He left 3 months ago totally heart broken. We were getting married this summer. I have an 8 year old who he classed as a son and he has just walked out. We’ve been friends for 11 years, together for 5 years. LIved together. We had been having arguments on and off for months which led to him walking out at times. He was out the next before he last left talking to his friends and colleagues about the wedding, then next day he cane home we argued and he left.

Then he ended it by text a week later. Saying we should call it a day before we ended up hating each other.

Seen each other since said we’d make another go of it but he completely shut us out. Then his dad had a heart attacj and his mum died suddenly 3 weeks later. I went the funeral where he promised to contact me, and was talking about things to do with my family etc.

He last contacted son on his birthday early May didn’t contact me on my birthday and I also sent him a letter telling him everything that’s happened. He cheated at the beginning; rent disappearing because he wasn’t paying it for a reason; I have found credit cards and bills he has had that I didn’t know about)

I haven’t heard from him since. I love him so much but don’t understand why this has happened, except for his excuse of the arguments x

Sorry if I ranted

Sounds like cold feet? Using arguments as an excuse, and then the things with his family have just aided him to step back even further.

I have no idea how hard this must be, or how terrible you feel. To think you'll be setting a life with someone, for them t basically drop you.

The rent.... and the extra bulls and credit cards... have you looked into this more? Do you want to look into it more? It could be a clue..... was he always around. No odd days of him disappearing or not hearing from him for days?

I hope you're doing ok this morning

He was armed forces but based at home. He would walk out after the arguments about the rent. This would be the 6th time since June. He obviously didn’t pay it when he said he did, which is what caused the arguments because we kept getting letters.

In October after he walked out for s week and totally radio silence he promised he wouldn’t do it anymore.

Night before he walked out, we were wedding planning and he was addressing evelopes and contacting people.

When he came back a week or two later he was still the same about the arguments. Adamant that he paid the rent. Told me he still loved me, and said we needed to find the spark again, start fresh. But then his parent died. The bill was from a previous flat he had for council tax, and the card was one he got out but I didn’t know about. He has never been good with money. Every month we were broke.

I woke up this morning thinking he was next to me and that we are getting married soon, to realise he isn’t here anymore.

Thank you Babyblue everything you have said is spot on i do want NC to want me. I want him to love me like he said he did but i know in my head he just doesn't. My heart on the hand is still not there yet. I will be ok though i've done no contact for over 60 days before and to be fair i had got to the point where i thought i wouldn't hear from NC again. I was even considering dating. Now i'm starting it all over again with more emotional hurt and disappointment. Why do they do this? Really if they don't want us why keep trying to drag us back in?? I don't understand it? Well i have a new resolve and i'm not doing it again no contact all the way now. I'm done.

Confused sending you a hug. I know it doesn't make any sense but like Babyblue said it seems like cold feet and he's using the fighting as an excuse. Please don't hang around waiting for an explaination as in my experience there won't be one. I've been on this merry go round for close to two years now and it has bought me nothing but hurt and confusion. Time to get myself together now and focus on me. Please be kind to yourself. One day at a time you will get through this. x

@confused3317
So when he went radio silence for that week? Where did he live?

It seems crazy that's he's just up and left without a real reason. Ok arguments ruin things, but where they that bad that you had no life or talking apart from shouting and rowing?

Maybe he's spooked? It happens I know that much. Did you try and reach out to his friends at all? Probably not best to now it's been so long.

I don't even know how to help? Or what to say.
Maybe some of the other of girls may have input for this? @LiteraryDevil @Tictactic @meowimacat

The radio silence for a week - I had that.
He was away in exercise,apparently left his phone. I had important news to tell him.
I've had radio silence from him for weeks on end, but I'm also doing the same. I'm not giving in letting him know I'm still here.

@Olikingcharles
It takes time, I still want mine to call me and be like. I'm a dickhead. I'm sorry. Admit his faults. We sit and talk like adults and we fix this.... because it's not just me and him anymore.
But he won't, and I'd rather he stay away, he's let me down constantly. But I can't let him do that to little one now.
you've done the NC. You know yo can do it, aim for it again. And don't break, because you feel at peace. Just don't even talk to him again. If you can go 2 months, go another 2 and then another and another.

He walked out June, July, August, October, then now all over the same argument of the rent and housing. But in between we had been fine. When he left this time it was I can’t deal with the arguments anymore. But I do think it’s all surrounding money and debt.

I sent him a letter with all that’s happened and how he has made me feel but also but in letters he has wrote me in the past of how strong we were etc.

He still has all our pictures all over Facebook. Spoke to his work colleague the other day as we are friends too. I have had to cancel everything in regards to wedding etc. When I last seen him when he said about us working it out, he told me not to cancel anything as he still wanted to be my husband, he still loved me and that it was a mistake that he walked out. Then his parent died and he has not contacted me.

When he leaves he goes and stays in work was there for 3 weeks to begin with then went home to his parents

Confused I'm sorry you've been going through this. He is showing you exactly who he is. And he's a twat. Don't waste any more time on him. Life is too short. He's an immature prick and you'd expect better from someone in the Forces. My brothers were forces and both showed maturity beyond their years.
You deserve so much better than this. Time to move on I'm afraid unless you want a lifetime if this behaviour.

@confused3317 I agree with @LiteraryDevil about the forces (maturity and that) my dads forces I've grown up around it. So you expect more. I expected more from my NC being a cpl training new recruits - expected a little more.

They are bizarre aren’t they. The best of it was he wanted all this. Moving in, marriage, kids etc. I have nc with him now but I am missing him and love him so much. Just don’t understand how he can get up and walk away from all we had and family like we don’t matter

@confused3317
They always tell you what they want to hear.
Mine wanted kids.
Wanted to try. We sat and talked I said not yet, yet I fall pregnant he's run. Not been near since.

You can do this.

This is a big bump in the road. And it'll take you time to over it, but time.

He's cut you off, you've arranged a life together and he's just dropped you.

It'll be hard.

Day at a time x

Hello everyone!!! Hope you are all doing ok?
I have been studying hard and feeling like I’m getting nowhere fast with it! Anyway Tuesday morning then it’s over with until the next time. Started thinking about my NC with anger again. This is a much better frame of mind I have decided- it makes me feel stronger and I am less likely to want him when I am angry and the things he did.

What truly gets me is that there are so many of us all discussing these dead beat men. They keep letting us down, keep saying one thing and doing another!! How do they get away with it. Us. We accept so much rubbish. Honestly I am done with it all. No more leniency from me, no more give him 3 days attitude which my friends thought was strong as it was. Just done.