NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Yay @Tictactic I feel the same. I see him for who he is now. I miss the fun we have but I realise now I can have that 10x better with someone who 100% WANTS me. Someone who 100% RESPECTS me. Someone who doesn't keep me a secret.

He comes into my head a few times in the day but it's a numb feeling now. If I overthink too much then things can get to me occasionally. But I finally see I made the right decision to go NC - end of week 4 for me woohoo.

@Tictactic
Much better I think (my friends would say the same) this time round I'm coping with it mum better. Now done a full week, as we counted my slip up last Friday as me still sending a message ( he didn't get to read it as I cleared it on what's app).
So yeah, today is week one. Have done alright I think.
Thinking about him a bit, but that's just because I know he'll be close, or is already closer now. Bothers me that I don't know, but I don't want to know at same time. I'll get over that I hope.

Glad the OLD is going well :)
Someone you'd like to try a date with? But yeah no rush if you're not fully ready.
What sort of projects!?
I wanted to re start a quilt I started but I don't have patience lol

Good morning all!
Very quiet on here compared to Easter and early May bank holiday. Hope everyone is doing much better.
@Babyblue32 how is the NC going? Have you heard anything, know where he is?
@Dimeal, how are you? are your exams over?
@Literary. how are you doing?

Projects - I've decorated 2 rooms and General maintenance around the house. I started really well at the gym but I seem really tired and have gained weight again.
I had wine last night and had a few tears over my NC.. more nostalgic. I still have a few pics on my phone. I need to delete.
I'm talking daily to a bloke on OLD.. He seems nice enough. I don't think he will be right for me and also a distance which I should be wary off. I'm enjoying the chat and we plan to meet. I don't want to ghost as not fair. If nothing else may have met a friend?

Morning,
I've been trying to keep busy this week. Trying to not over think, or focus on him. The NC is going well.
I haven't sent a message since last Friday (not Friday just been the one before) and he last text me Sunday just gone. Which I never replied too.
I found it hard yesterday ( had my baby shower ) which was lovely, just one gift made me wish he was there or involved.
I've wanted to message him since yesterday or show him photos. But I know that I don't gain anything from it, and he wouldn't care.

I did unlock on instagram as I felt like it was eating me, bothers me that he follows girls that have 10k or so followers and thy follow him back? It's a holiday instragram page. So I know they each other contact numbers basically. But I talked myself out of being crazy and made myself forget about it :)

I feel much better, not talking about him as much seems to have calmed me down.
But when I do want to talk about it, I feel like I'm saying a lot?

Even gaining a friend from OLD is a bonus, shows you can let someone in and let that guard down. Maybe meeting him might be different to the vibe you're getting? But you can i only go on meeting them.
Want to come and decorate for me haha?
No shame in being upset about NC - sometimes you do sit and think and feel upset. Better out than in.
Xx

And oh @Tictactic have no idea where he is... either up there or he'll be here or getting ready to be here....

When he asked for the photo of me and I dint want to give it he www like I'll see it when I see you. But I'm not expecting a knock at he door. I let go of that hope long ago

Hi, I'm checking into the thread because I'm an idiot and got back in contact with someone I had a very short thing with last year.

It was very confusing; he wasn't honest, not sure of the details but everything definitely didn't add up. I was sexually obsessed with him and very very on edge about whether he was going to text or call or not.

I saw sense and ended it, blocked, moved on, etc.

Somehow we're now texting again and I've just sent a flirty text. Didn't get the answer I wanted and I can feel myself getting sucked into attaching my selfworth to how into me he is in a really self-destructive way. Why did I do this? I thought I was in a stronger place and could maybe have the sex (incredible) without the drama at this point in my life. Obviously not.

Now's the time to get out quick before my head gets messed up again. I really need to be strong and say no to this insane but intermittent and head-fucking high

@Tictactic my exam is a week on Tuesday so still studying for that. Want it over now! Wow so many projects but it does you good to be busy with something positive!! Thinking of getting a new place myself, the memories of him here don’t help me and it’s not so easy to pay the rent by myself when there used to be two of us paying it.
We are all going to have our moments over this for a while yet. I ran 12 miles this morning and out of hunger/exhaustion I felt like crying over him again. It happens and I guess let it out then pick yourself up. These incidents happen less and less.

@Baby hope you really enjoyed your baby shower? All those people there who care about you and your baby wanting to support you that has to be a good feeling! And well done on maintaining NC!

Welcome to the thread!

@didsomeonesaybunny
You're pregnant me too! Congratulations.
NC is the father, and I'm guessing he's not really making an effort? I've really struggled with this and still do, but not as much.
He wants to meet you and go on a trip to talk about the baby?
Why hasn't he had this chat with you already?
I don't know how to advise on this, I've had major issues.
I mean it's a good thing he wants to talk, but don't try and make something work out just because you have a baby together.
The way I've been treated through my pregnancy is shit, being ignored waiting on days of scans for him to show and he hasn't, not even asking how the pregnancy is or how is unborn child is... but apparently he loves me and he will support me.
Don't get sucked in.
Don't let him head fuck you more. Don't believe all little lies he'll give you.

Maybe dating whilst your pregnant isn't the best idea? Your emotions are all over the place.

@Dimael
Not long to go then!!
Yeah was lovely, got emotional at one present which made me want to to contact him. But I refrained :)
Feeling better about it this time around
Only 53 days to go until little one is here, focusing on being in a good head place lol xx

I found this, and I know most of us have stopped this feeling or are feeling it less and less. I saw it and it made me question what I saw... in someone like him.

@didsomeonesaybunny
It's difficult, I've been offered support.
I'm yet to receive it. I've had no help with things needed. He's also never checked in to see how baby is doing. And never turned up to a scan when he's had dates and times.
His support isn't real, and I doubt I'll be be getting it at all.
He can not talk to me for weeks on end, and is now doing It again. Expect this time I've backed off massively.

Hmmm didnhe want the baby?
Mine didn't, and said things like 'I'm not excited about it, but I'm excited by you still' claiming he loves me, but doesn't love his unborn baby....

This is my first, I believe it's his first.... but I could be wrong, I fell pregnant very quickly in knowing him

He's split up from other women.....and now he's all over you? I guess you just have to talk, but I wouldn't go away with him. If he's happy to drop you, you shouldn't go running to him. (Personally I wouldn't - I'd like too think I've gained some strength that I wouldn't run to mine now) why should you worry? He's been happy to not talk to you, that says a lot too

Hi, sorry I’ve not been around much, trying to keep busy - hope everyone is plodding on ok. Will catch up on the posts tomorrow. What an eventful evening! My NC has barraged me with texts - very passive aggressive - blaming me for his past alcoholism - I’m stopping him from seeing the kids apparently and then to tell me how happy he is 🤷‍♀️ What a complete knob - I’m better off without him and I don’t believe for one minute he’s happy as why would he text me?! Stupid idiotic div.

Feeling crazy.
He messaged me

I put a put photo up of me and balloon saying it's boy. (Not sure how we saw)
Screen shot and she to back to me
Saying congrats

So he sent a text saying congratulations

😩 why?

He knew already about the sex
It's like a random text from stranger.

No reply from me

Then had my midwife apt which I sat and got really upset as because he's just made me feel shit - all over a text.

Rant

@Baby oh what an absolute &@?! he is!! Why is he acting like this! Not surprised you are upset about it!! Glad that you haven’t responded because literally he is trying to play with your head now and it’s not fair what he is doing to you.
I keep receiving songs from him now. With work stress and my exams I feel like I am having a mental breakdown of some sort and I really just want to go back to him. He said if I tell him that I love him still he will fight for this. Maybe it’s a bad idea but am really feeling so low. My doctor said he thinks I have PTSD after a car accident in November which has caused a personality transplant and pushing away friends and family is something that happens. Maybe that’s what I have done here. I really feel confused and muddled.

AntiGrinch, I’m in a similar situation to you re. the sexual obsession (despite the fact I think he’s a horrible, horrible person!). I need to go NC with him and I’m nearly at that point but can’t seem to stop picking at the scab quite yet

@Dimael truly.
I've been emotionally drained all day, then to make everything seem worse, I heard little mans heart beat and my phone didn't even record :( it's just a play back of silence. So today has not been a good day. I feel a bit broken.

Oh no, the songs with hidden messages in the lyrics? Oh dear.
Be strong sweet, I know it's hard, but you know why you don't want him. Don't let him creep back in because you're feeling stressed and over worked. Tell him you love him and he'll fight?!!!
NO FUCK THAT
do not feed his ego.
Be strong

Now youve spoken to gp. Reach out to friends and family give a brief explanation if you don't want to fully get into it, but let them know your are here and you need them, your just needing them to come to you... they'll understand

@OneThingMissing
It's always hard, we all struggle and still do.
Day by day, take one days NC, then take another and another. You'll have days you break and message. But you're human. But think of you. And how you'd be better off, and how you will benefit from not feeling a type of way.

@Baby can you buy something to listen to the heartbeat at home just since you lost the recording? If it helps cheer you up it’s worth it.
He is sending love songs about always being together etc etc. I actually think the gp wants me to go back to him the way he was talking. Since I came home I calmed down a bit about it. I know if i went back he would be spoiling me rotten for a few weeks but then the usual ways would come back and I would be back at square one. Just can’t seem to get theirs friends how I feel and I honestly believe I have lost friends over this. So starting to isolate myself so I can’t say or do anything stupid anymore.

@onethingmissing you will never break the cycle if you keep getting in contact with him.

@Dimael
Yeah, but I'll hear him again in two weeks time.
I don't want to obsess over lol, I think one of the girls have one I could borrow.

Some friends don't get it, I broke up with an ex a few years ago. I lost about half of my friends (same group of mates) which really hurt. You'll see out of your friends who is really with you.

I guess the idea of being spoilt and having it all seems really good right now due to how you feel, but you've said it yourself. You'll be back a square one.

Don't isolate yourself - try and reach out to some friends that are still talking or trying make amends with others if you think they'd understand

:( if I could be there to let you vent I would. But I'm here over a message.
Rant, rave do what you need.
You've got support. I know it's not the same

After some more spectacular fuckwittage last night, I’ve blocked him everywhere and unfriended him on Facebook. I feel sad but also strong.

Hi guys, I'm back after a much needed break.

Baby you can do better than this! Come on now x

Just catching up.

Had an awful day yesterday feeling very alone and tearful.

Morning all
@Literary welcome back. It's good to take a break, we are always here! It's great to equally know you lot are here too so we can support each other. Anything in particular trigger yesterday?
@baby. I hope you're feeling better today?
@Dimeal.. focus on study. You have everything going for you. There will always be moments of doubt but I think you know you can do better than him. You're in an ideal position to move, no house to sell, no children. You'll make new friends but you do have to go out there. It's so easy to isolate your self I know, I do it too

I blocked my NC and his wife (seperated) on Facebook. Not sure why though? I've been NC since March and I only block now? does that seem weird? I think it was a way of gaining back my control rather than remaining 'neutral'.. I then felt as if I was being immature but it's done now. Unless I unblock and they may not have noticed anyway?!
I will never get involved with a 'separated' man again

@LiteraryDevil how you feeling now?
Yes I know I know I know.
I was disappointed about how it got me like it did.... but today I'm feeling much better. Haven't cried haven't felt angry. Think I was over tired yesterday anyway _ stuff him. Onwards onwards onwards.
I had to share it though, I don't want to pretend I'm doing great when I really did have a bad day lol

@OneThingMissing it's a step.
A good step. You're bound to feel sad.

@Tictactic everything is done in a time that you feel is ok.
It's taken you time to block him, so what. You've done it and feel ok with it.... if you'd done it sooner you wouldn't of been ready.

Timings xx

Tictactic yeah there was. My best friend and NDN let me down on helping me do my daughters bedroom ready for when she comes back on Sunday. I got me thinking how I don't have anyone to help me with DIY stuff and have no one I can rely on. I don't have the tools to do what needs doing myself and can't afford to pay someone to do it. I was so upset as he knew it needed doing this week and was only free yesterday and Sunday. Couldn't do it yesterday and said he'd probably be out Saturday night so will be too hungover to do it Sunday. He then got asked by another neighbour (who he is always complaining about to me) to wash her car for her and fucking did it! She's got a husband and teenage kids who could easily do it for her and she could have done it herself. He even polished the fucking thing. I always get him a take away or crate of beer as a thank you for helping me with things. Got me thinking how NC was going to help me with her room and now I've got no one to help and she'll be disappointed when she comes back.

Alright

after Tuesday (a bad day) I was ok yesterday, feeling better.
This morning, my mum tells me her and my cousin were talking, and apparently hes now at the closer barracks - so hes about 40 mins away.
This changes nothing. I didn't expect him at my door, and I don't.
But the lack of effort is even more insulting now.
Choice words want to flow from my mouth.
I'm extremely angry this week, I don't know why.
Hate it, hate him, hate feeling bothered by it, hate letting it eat me, hate the fact I seem stuck again.
I knew it would bother me when I found out, and I cant actually know if its true.

Hope everyones doing ok

Lit - id help decorate and paint - but my edging is awful