NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Sounds like good progress is being made

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks NC for me. I finally today feel like I made the right decision, and that I was too good for him. The urge to even have him as a friend at some point, or to see him again has gone now. I FINALLY accept he was deceiving me, and trying to impress me early on but in reality his mask slipped and I just didn't want to accept the real him. I now know who he really is, and I do NOT want a man like that in my life, friendship or otherwise.

I don't even hate him, I actually pity him as he will continue on this cycle of emotional unavailability never fully feeling satisfied with one person.

What I can tell you girls is NC is a horrific roller coaster of emotions for the first few weeks. The first week it's definitely as though someone has taken your drug away and you are feeling the full effect of that. They are on your mind 24/7, you can't stop stalking them online and the constant flashbacks and analysing everything. You feel every emotion from guilt, sadness, hurt, anger, desperation...

There are times when you have this ultimate urge to contact them/go and see them, and if you can ride that out and give yourself time to think over if you really want to do that then you usually realise you don't. If you can get over the closure thing that we all crave so much and just in reality don't always get - sometimes their silence/lack of care/contact is closure enough.

Best thing I ever did was block my NC. I knew once I blocked him my pride wouldn't let me unblock him because that would just look pathetic to him - and he already had pretty much zero respect for me towards the end as I'd gone back a couple of times. I did almost unblock him a few times but I'm so glad I didn't.

He still pops into my mind in the day. I wake up in the morning and he is currently still a thought, however I now push him out of my mind and start to get on with my day. I miss who I thought he was, always will. I'll look fondly over the happy times and take the sad times as a HUGE lesson.

Self love is everything on this NC journey. If we love ourselves enough we won't accept such shitty behaviour. If we know our own worth and value there is no way we will allow someone to deceive us for too long, or take advantage of our love. So work on that, even if you aren't at the blocking him/NC stage.

I probably won't write on here as often now as I don't want to spend my days focusing on him any more. But I'll keep dropping in to see how you're all getting on. :)

Meow that's a great post and I feel very much the same

I'm glad you're all seeing your worth and that the NC arnt truly worth the upset and hurt they caused.

I'm looking forward to being at that stage fully

You'll get there baby but like I've said before, it's going to be harder for you, especially the first year of your baby's life.

Evening all. I thought I'd say hello again, not been on the thread for a few days.
I hope everyone is doing ok. 9 weeks this weekend I last saw him. The feeling is fading plus the connection. Such a strong connection for a short 'relationship'..
I feel bad there was no closure and we didn't really part on good terms.
I actually wonder if he ever thinks of me.. I guess id feel some comfort if he did and I wasn't just a fling and meant nothing.
2nd counselling session tomorrow.
Sorry not giving much back just a little offload, hope you don't mind.
Keep strong everyone

How are you doing @Babyblue32 - I know a lot of us have got over the tough stage but want to be supportive to you if you need it!

Hi @Tictactic I feel exactly how you are now. I hope he thinks of me, sad thing is I'll never know. I do think he'll miss me, but just not that much...he was a user so he had his other female friend and exes he'd chat to, guess he'll just be using them more and going on Tinder to find someone new to use. Amazing how a short relationship can damage you more than a long one.

This Saturday will be 6 weeks since I last saw him. Today is 4 weeks NC

He doesn't dominate my thoughts now. He still is on my mind. I wonder how he's doing with dating as clearly he's back on that already. I bet he's having loads of luck and there's me over here getting flaked on and going out with a guy who had Devil tattooed on his hand and blood on his trousers - thank God he got the hint and has not contacted me since.

Trying to just get on with my life and all the things I put on the back burner because I was so focused on him. Try and see friends more and focus on my kids and business.

@LiteraryDevil slow and steady as they say lol

@meowimacat the tough love has been needed.
I felt myself slipping to just get back into the routine after that weekend I made contact.
I came on here after because I knew I'd get the unfiltered support lol.

I need/ed it.

I feel much better since last week, and even better that I was able to just ignore that message he sent and block. With no retaliation.

If you want to be in persons life, you're there arnt you....
if he wants to be in his sons life.... Well. I'm not holding out anymore.

31 days NC today for me and not seen him since the end of February.
I'm pretty sure he does think of me and I bet his kids and family ask about me as they thought I was great. Not being big headed there but they were so lovely to me, his mum even got my mum a present and card when she had a bad accident before Christmas yet they'd never met. I used to make him breakfast in bed when he was here, gave him the best sex he'd ever had (his words, he said he wasn't that into sex before me and his ex wife was a bit weird in bed he was the weird one!. He'd not had many relationships. He used to stay here so that he was an hour nearer to his work appointments than if he was at home so I'm sure he misses not being able to do that. I made his life much easier and much more pleasant and really spoilt him. I hope he misses that. He did say he missed going out to places with me and of course he's got no one to go on holiday with now. He got banned from the dating site so isn't back on there although he could be on others. With his personality though he'll be ruminating on all the things I said to him about why I was ending things. So glad to be out of that one!

Hope everyone is doing ok and loving the sunshine!

@meow.. yes very true. Such a short amount of time together but had a big impact. I really thought he was the one. I now feel I wasn't old enough for him. I don't have the social status or money like his ex. It shouldn't matter but perhaps it did to him. I'll never know what I was. A fling to move him forward from ex? whereas I've gone all of that and ready for more.
I'm chatting to someone on OLD but I don't think he'll be for me. A meet up suggested for next week. he lives 45 mins away. I really shouldn't as other long distance not worked. He seems a nice enough chap so would feel bad if cancel.
@literary.. I just can't get over your list about him!!

Hello everyone how are you all doing?
Seems a bit quieter on here so presuming we are all doing better now?

@Tictactic I have experience of long distance and 45 minutes isn’t far but you have to think realistically with a LO after work are you going to see him and then come home in the same day? Maybe meet him and see, nice to get dressed up and be entertained?!

My hormones are playing havoc and I find myself reminiscing again - keep trying to tell myself he has done me wrong and I shouldn’t want that for myself to get back on track. Also I know a second time around it can never be the same anyway. Friend is on about me meeting up with a group which would include him. Pushing me to say hello to him again. I don’t want to. If I sent that message and he didn’t reply I would feel awful again. Wish she would quit it now. I know she just wants the old gang back together again.

Just realised it’s 43 days NC for me!

@Dimael
Well done!!

Hmmm sometimes you just need to lay it out for your friends.
Just tell her, you want to steer clear of him for a while and that's that. She can't pressure you to be around someone you don't want too, she wouldn't do it if it was her I'm sure x

Tictactic I revisited that list a couple of days ago. Added to it how he used to get out of the shower and would still have loads of dried sleep caked in the corners/under his eyes. This prompted me to ask what he uses st ime to wash his face. Nothing, just water. Ex wot obviously he didn't wet his entire face. I always check my eyes for gunk and my nose for anything when I get out of the shower!

Dimael your friend has never had your back over this guy has she and has made it more difficult for you

@Babyblue believe me if I wasn’t going on holiday with her in 7 weeks I would be going NC with her. Maybe I should start hanging around with her ex to show her how it feels! As @Literarydevil says she has made this whole process harder for me.

I've been thinking about all the nice things about my NC and thinking maybe I was too hard on him and I was more to blame for things than him. Maybe I expected too much from him.

Ahhh do you know what ladies, the best feeling in the world is when they don't enter your head constantly. Sure he's still in my mind throughout the day, but it's so much better now.

Blocking is the best thing I ever did.

@LiteraryDevil remember the bad times also and the bad treatment. I have over the last week or so questioned if I was a bit OTT. I did block my guy and cut him off completely. However, whilst we had good times and he didn't always treat me bad, and has good qualities. He also used me a lot. These people aren't all awful that we are NC with, they just aren't right for us and it's time we moved on and found someone better.

It's upsetting me tonight but it's probably hormones. Have got my second period in as many weeks so not feeling too good at all

I'll be honest, he's been on my mind a lot this week.

More because I've sat and thought. Wow I haven't had the urge to add his number back. I haven't had the urge to unblock.
I don't think I miss him?
I think it's just I'm not so preoccupied and badgering him for attention, I'm sitting back and enjoying the last 8 weeks of pregnancy, when I should of enjoyed every minute. But trying not to dwell on the fact I've spent a lot of it being upset.

My cousin is home from camp for two weeks, he mentioned it all to me. He knows that he's due here soon, but didn't elaborate if he knew weather he was close or not. Which I appreciate because I didn't and haven't really given it much thought.

I have my baby shower this week, I'm so nervous. I know I'll probably get upset, but it'll be good upset I think - I'm excited and getting more and more excited. I feel like this week, is probably the most accepting I've been of the whole situation

Hugs @LiteraryDevil I think there are waves of emotions still for all of us, and probably will be for the forseeable future. I seem ok now but I know it can hit me when I least expect it.

@Babyblue32 I'm SO glad you are doing better. Have a great time at your baby shower. You'll be surrounded by people who love you and your bubba. The IMPORTANT people in your life. Enjoy it. It's also totally normal for them to be on our minds so don't think that's a bad thing at all. It's all part of the process of moving on. In time the thoughts will become less and less, and you'll eventually get to a point where you can see clearly that he was a total douchebag and not worth a moment of your time x

@Literarydevil me too - hormones suck!! Probably need to see a doctor as that is way too often! I was so strong last week then the hormones hit and I feel a little wobbly again today. Blame the hormones!!

Yet again ‘friend’ messaged to say she is with my NC. She spends more time with him than me. After this holiday I am NCing her! I got the hang of this now nothing can stop me!

Glad you are doing better @Baby - enjoy your baby shower!

I saw my gp this morning and she's said to keep an eye on things to see if they settle. If not and I feel more unwell I need to go back. If I continue with 2 week cycles I need something doing she said Could be my endometriosis, could be fibroids, could be my body settling after being on the pill, could be my new natural cycle. If new cycle then she'll put me back on the pill as she's worried I'll get anaemic. I was horrified to discover I had leaked all over my trousers on the school run this morning. Thankfully they were dark coloured and hope no one saw That's never happened, even after giving birth. Felt pretty shitty until this afternoon when it slowed down.

Baby hope you have a great time at your shower! You are doing so well bud after that awful weekend!

I'm leaving MN for a while so wanted to say keep strong everyone

@LiteraryDevil fingers crossed everything with cycle gets sorted 😬 it's awful when it's like that.
Hope to see you back soon!! Thanks for the tough love 😘

@Dimael top friend that is, blimey.
Yeah holiday first, then slow it down lol

@meowimacat
Very true, taken a while to realise it. But it's nearly all sunk in lol.
I hope the weather improves it's been raining since last night - typical haha x

Good evening all.. I thought I'd share.
I feel over him.. so over him. I feel I been through the worst and I'm feeling like me. The virtual connection has GONE. It was a short relationship but the end did knock me sideways. I'm not even feeling sad so much now. In fact I'm feeling ready to move on!
I've had little projects on the go to keep busy. I've been chatting to someone OLD and invited on a date, although no rush.
@Dimeal.. you're worth so much more than your NC. Is he with your friend still?
@Literary.. oh, where are you going? keep us updated how you are.
@baby.. I've not kept up with thread.. are you managing NC?