An Undisclosed Child - WTAF?!!!!!!!

[MrsRichardDeVere]

I’ve NC to try not to out myself.

Been dating and starting a relationship with a man for 4 months. Met through online dating. Have taken things steadily and everything going well. Seemed honest, normal, self-deprecating, considerate and lots of other good things.

He said he’s been single since he & his ex split 6 years ago, with 2 boys he sees every 2nd weekend. Seems like a good dad, doing the usual, normal stuff you’d expect.

He’s on Linkedn but not other forms of social media, so I haven’t been able to do background digging. Anyhow found his ex-wife (after he said her first name rather than just referring to her as ‘the-ex’) and to my horror there are 3 kids, with a girl appearing in age between the boys. Definitely a sibling. I know ive got the right family, as I’ve seen plenty of photos of the boys.

I suspect this is curtains on our relationship, as this seems like a shocking omission to me, but can anyone throw any light on what the fuck might be going on?! I’m seeing him in a few days and will be asking him but could do with some MN insight.

How long has he been split up from ex wife? If it's a long time, the girl could be her step daughter and her presence in the school photos would be normal if she lived with them. Just as an example, my friend has 2 boys aged 7 and 11 to her ex partner. Her current partner also has a 10 year old daughter from his previous relationship. So to outsiders looking at either of their Facebook pages, it looks like "they" have 3 kids - lots of back to school pics, family outing etc. But obviously the two boys' dad (so my friends ex partner) has no connection to the current partners daughter. Yet if you were to look at my friend's page, you might think they were all one family.
Just a thought anyway. I hope you get to the bottom of it!

I know I’m not a stalker. Looking on FB doesn’t make me a stalker. I’ve looked for old school friends or work colleagues - FB is only as private as you make it.

I have no bad intentions to the ex-wife, I’m just keen to ensure I’m not being spun tales or going to uncover a very worrying parent/ child relationship.

I can have a conversation in a way that could lead to sharing information voluntarily- which is always preferable but Im ok to ask the direct question too.

OP is entirely sensible to use online research to verify who she is getting involved with having met in the OLD world. I do the same myself fit comfort but don’t reveal it - I’ve chatted to a couple of men online who had been as thorough over researching me as I usually am but they dropped it into conversation thinking it made them look good. One used a nickname that only an old boss uses for me and they’d picked it up from my fb profile pic (I don’t know how to avoid comments on profile pics being visible to non-friends). I didn’t appreciate it and ended the chat.

*You do realise that because you stalked her profile you'll more than likely come up on her People You May Know?

So if she knows your name, she's going to know her ex's new partner is viewing her profile and probably tell him anyway...*

Lol, it's called FB not FBI

Gosh. If, as you say, he’s an ‘oversharer’ and happily told you he had children, why would he leave one out? If he had something to hide, why would he be so careless as to let you find out his ex wife’s name?

You’ve come to a bit of a ridiculous conclusion. My money is on her being a close cousin. He’s likely to feel a bit threatened by you snooping on his ex wife and kids, though, so don’t be surprised if he bins you as a result!

You’ve just got to outright ask I think. I don’t think this is stalking either, just sensible. Good luck.

Erm, perhaps she died? Sounds awful but it could be that and he just doesn't want to talk about it??

Oops. just reread thread. Ignore me..

Relationships may be built on trust, but OLD Relationships are built on documentation!

My guess - He thought claiming 3 children would ruin his chances of meeting high quality women, so he only claimed 2 because it sounded less cumbersome. Now at 4 months in, he's stuck.

It would not be the first time I have heard of OLD members subtracting children to make them more appealing.

Go with your gut. I have an relative who cut his adopted daughter out of his life after divorcing her mother - but not his biological daughter Daughters are adults now, he tells people he has x amount of grandchildren even though he actually has more including his adoptive daughter’s dc (who is nice btw). To the outside world he’s a ‘decent’ man, church minister, does stuff for charity, looks after his infirm mother...

Just another possibility - I have several photos of 3 children (2 boys and a girl) in school uniform; in height order; in football kit etc etc. They are my daughter and my sister's sons. They grew up within streets of each other. Maybe the girl is his or his ex wife's niece?

Four, I hoped that but the comments make it clear that she is the ex-wife’s daughter.

What makes you 100% from the comments? Is it something like "my beautiful daughter" blah blah blah?

Loveyou, it is her own and other people’s comments. Sometimes she says stuff like “who’d have thought my daughter would do x” under a photo of an activity. I’ve changed the words as I’m so conscious of the lack of privacy on her accoun.

This is so strange

That's clear enough then, and understand regarding you being conscious. Bet it's driving you mad.

I think saying your stalking her is a bit over dramatic, I think a lot of people will have ended up looking up people on social media for lots of different reasons. Even if it is just to be a bit nosey!

Hiding one child is odd though
Hopefully there is a reasonable explanation for it OP

I suspect she doesn’t want a relationship with him and he didn’t want to open that can of worms with you yet.

This stalking nonsense is ridiculous.

If you are OLDing someone you don't know from Adam, if you don't google to verify that what they declare about themselves checks out - you're an idiot.

Way too many women end up taken in by married men, chancers, fantasists, abusers with criminal records - when a bit of judicious googling would have saved a world of hassle.

I don't think its stalking either - why do people have fb pages if not to be looked at

my DF adopted my half brother from my DM's first relationship.Later in life, when we were adults, he never referred to him when talking about his DC, although he did remember him in his will.
Maybe he really doesn't regard the girl as his if she is from another relationship, and he is not on good terms with his ex?

Nothing really to suggest apart from what's already been said but I'm really intrigued to know the reason! I hope for your sake it's something simple and reasonable, especially since you've said he comes across as really decent

Me too Chorley.

I don't think it's stalking I'd have done the same curiosity anyone who say's they wouldnt look i don't believe and I would also ask him straight up

Going to have the conversation in person this evening. Really anxious about it. I haven't said anything to him.

He told me about something that happened over the weekend with his boys - nothing awful, just a bit strange - that gives me a good way to open the conversation.

The more I think about it, this is such a significant omission, I wonder if there is any getting past it.