A 2yr affair and she's pregnant

[Lifeunexpected]

I know they'll be many people who will tell me to run. I'm prepared for this. I know I deserve better.

But I'm looking to speak to anyone who has stayed with their DH's following an affair, with the OW pregnant. My DH wants to be involved with the baby.

I've been with my DH for 17 years. We have a young son.

Has anyone managed this dilemma successfully? Or tried and it didn't work?

Only read the first few pages but after I left my exdp it took me a long time to be angry with him, to start with I still loved him too much. Once you find the anger it gets easier, we are sill civil for DS but I don’t bend over backwards to accommodate him anymore and it meant I could move on.

Let yourself be angry

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

It's difficult to do NC at the moment given the family bereavement, but we're no longer seeing each other in person or having phone calls. We're sticking to text messages, with info regarding the family/funeral. That's it. We're keeping it formal. Otherwise he says things that mess with my head! Up until last week I wasn't having contact and my family were doing the pick-ups/drop offs re: my DS. I'm not sure what's happening this weekend yet....

On the positive side of contact, last week has shown me is that he's (so far), keeping his promises re: finances and I can stay in the house for as long as I need (he said, months or years). Apparently me and our son are his number one priority. You can probably guess what I said to that!!

What will really hurt, is that perhaps having ruined and messed up our family, he'll learn from his mistakes and play happy families with her. So after being fairly absent and super anxious with our DD, he'll be the Daddy he was meant to be.

@Icklepickle101

I know, I agree. I'm worried though that once I get angry, I'll be bitter. Then again, it seems harder loving him!

On the positive side of contact, last week has shown me is that he's (so far), keeping his promises re: finances and I can stay in the house for as long as I need (he said, months or years).

Make sure you get that in writing before he changes his mind.

He will be saying anything now to get back to you. As long as he hopes he will get back.

If you push for divorce, he may well go back on it.

What if I'm throwing away the possibility of our family working?

You are not throwing anything away. He already threw it away.

Yes, with major alterations and compromises.

100% yours. He meanwhile has zero alterations and zero compromises.

I'm glad you have gone lc. Please stay that way

What will really hurt, is that perhaps having ruined and messed up our family, he'll learn from his mistakes and play happy families with her. So after being fairly absent and super anxious with our DD, he'll be the Daddy he was meant to be. Far more likely that he'll lie, cheat and manipulate. That's who he is.

I guess only time will tell.

It's my first night alone since he left. I'm trying to relax. It's hard! It feels like a long time until bedtime!

You can get angry without getting bitter. You are justified in being so very angry at his selfish behaviour. If you somehow turn that into your fault you will get bitter. This was all caused by choices he made when he put himself first, over you and his new baby. His choices only. He made them and he followed through with them. For two years. His choice.

Be angry on behalf on your son. A man who has a hissy fit and chooses to betray you because his own newborn sons arrival into the world means he is not the center of attention should make you utterly furious. At him, not at yourself.

My brain hurts. I'm feeling low and lacking hope. I really don't want to be alone. I know I sound rather dramatic, but who's going to want a divorcee with a toddler! How on earth am I going to have time to meet anyone? I haven't been single since I was 16!

How on earth am I going to have time to meet anyone? I haven't been single since I was 16!

Change your thinking, enjoy being single and your own company, discover that you can cope perfectly well on your own!

You willl cope on your own, and you might surprise yourself by enjoying it. I became single last year after going from one relationship to another (often overlapping) for the previous 22 years! I’ve been single for 7 months and I’m really enjoying it. I am finding out who I really am as an individual, not a person who is always one of a couple. Focus on yourself and finding yourself and improving your self confidence and self esteem. You don’t need a relationship to feel good about yourself. You don’t need to meet someone right now hoping they will make all this better. It hurts. Feel the hurt, and know it is transient. You won’t feel this forever. Don’t focus on meeting someone else. Focus on yourself. You can get through this, and you will

You aren't throwing anything away, he did.
Your family as you knew it, is already ruined by this man, don't let him ruin your future.

I haven't been single since I was 16!

Well there's part of your problem. What's wrong with being single and taking time out to get to know who you are, what makes you tick and what you want out of life.
Pretty difficult to be selfish this way if you always have a man to consider.

You need to practice being kinder to yourself.

Imagine I'm in your situation. I'm single with a toddler. Would you tell me that nobody would want a relationship with me??

You will be more secure and in control of your life without him. Contentment and joy will follow although it will take time.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you OP. You can do it!

Sorry to be boring/practical but how are your finances set up ? He can say all the right stuff now but there will be financial consequences...even if you decide to take him back and host the baby 50/50 there will still be extra expenses from your family money...

Please take some time to check out any documents about the house assuming you are still in the home....I know it seems soon but it is very important...unfortunately you cannot belive a word he says....

He may want to buy a house with her etc for the baby.....and do all the family stuff- she equally may tell him to f off as well cos hes lied to her so much as well.....
you dont know yet so gather information when you can ....it will be upsetting ....but is important :(

On his financial promises, you’re hoping for the best - but need to prepare for the worst. Legal advice asap.

Sonyou now have the TV to yourself, you don't have to share a bed, you don't have to do his washing or ironing! (Bonus)

You can start to be yourself, eat what you want go to friends homes..

Just reach out to roses who do love you and be brace

I can see that you still love him. But actually you are allowing this emotion to colour you thoughts. Love is a choice. An action. We are not powerless when it comes to love. respect yourself by choosing NOT to love someone who can treat you and your child with such disregard, disrespect and casual contempt. He has not shown you that he loves, values or respects you. You too have a choice. Try to think logically, what do you 'love' honestly?

Make a decision. You emotions will follow eventually. Objectively he is a cheat and a liar. Decide to build a better future for yourself, alone with your child and in time there will be a partner who is honest and trustworthy. This man is not it. You will NEVER know peace if you stay with him. This will ruin your whole life.

Be strong. decide to move on.

You will, I PROMISE, fall out of love if you give yourself a chance. and it would be so so much better for your long term future.

I'm so glad you have split from him. It may be hard now but no where near as it would be if you stayed with him and had the constant reminder that:
He was sinking his cock in another woman for 2 years
He was doing it without any protection and put your health at risk
He impregnated her

So he is upset. Yes upset she got pregnant and he has not had the whole lot exposed

You will still have to live with the reminder anyway as your child will have a half sibling. You don't need that everyday from him being there as well

It’s sad to read your updates as I feel like you’re shouldering some of the blame.
If your husband put your son at the centre of his universe when he was born would you have gone out and had an affair? No of course you wouldn’t!!
It wasn’t a perfect storm for him, he was still in charge of all his decisions and he chose to do what he did for 2 years.
I can’t understand what you’re going through but you are absolutely making the right choice for you and your son

I think you are being incredibly strong.

I don't have any experience of this but I can tell you the experience of dh'a best friend. He started a new relationship and at the same time got another woman pregnant. She's keeping the baby. He told his new gf as soon as he found out and they decided to stay together.

The baby is due next month. Dhs best friend is still with his gf but it's absolute hell for them both. She's extremely insecure, thinking he still likes the mother of his child (he doesn't, it was a one night stand) and he is in the middle of 2 women and can't win.

Now I know that this is nothing like your situation, they haven't even been together 15 months let alone 15 years. But the insecurities would still be similar in that your lives will not be stress free. Your relationship will not be stress free. Even if you can get past the affair....he's always going to have contact with this woman and how is that fair on you? It isn't.

I honestly cannot see dhs best mate and his gf lasting. It's too much for her.

You deserve so much more than your dh. I'm so sorry for what he's put you through. I hope you find happiness again x

Thank you, everyone.

I'm so touched by people's kindness and wise words. You're all right, I don't know who I am without him. But being alone doesn't feel empowering yet. It just feels really lonely. I hope, with time, that will change.

I do feel like I'm going against my gut by 'leaving'. But I'm trying to ignore those urges and hope that as @lilybetsy notes, the emotions will follow.

I don't blame myself for him having an affair, but I do blame myself for making it easy for him and trusting him when I had suspicions. I have a thousand "What ifs..." scenarios.

The house is jointly ours. I've looked into things as much as I can. But I'm trying to pause things because of everything that's happened over the last week or so. Give myself some time.

U have to give it time.

Go back to doing things you loved doing between the ages of 8 and 14. Tap in to little piece of your old self.

A woman in your own right by anne dickson (or dixon) is a very good start.

I'm sorry for being on repeat. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel so sad, angry and hopeless.

I know it will take time. But it turns out that time is really painful. Physically and emotionally. It's hard not knowing where he is, what he's thinking and what he's doing. I keep running through scenarios where I found out earlier - to stop the affair from happening, or stopping it earlier or preventing her from getting pregnant. All it might have taken was for me to have stayed on Facebook.

Couple's feel like they drift apart when they have a baby, but it didn't mean he could go and find someone else to get attention and affection from. He's lost it all. When I saw him the other weekend, I asked him why 'we' (my son and I) weren't enough for him. He replied - you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Surely that's crap. He could see what he could lose if he continued, yet he continued to have his 'needs' met elsewhere until our family was destroyed.

He's a selfish arsehole and you deserve better