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Original poster

Help - texting etiquette when dating someone very busy

139 replies

Userwho · 03/05/2018 20:41

I've been on a few dates with a man I met recently on OLD. It was a bit of a slow grower, I wasn't sure at first but now quite like him. Trouble is, he doesn't text me. If I text him he always replies but I don't want to feel like I'm pestering him or always the first to make contact.
This week he's been really busy at work - I knew it was coming, he'd talked about what he had on. I've barely heard from him since the weekend and I don't really know what to do - I want to hear from him but I don't want to be the first to contact yet again! Feels like I'm playing a silly one-sided game. Any advice?

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 03/05/2018 20:45

Do not text him ever again. Sorry but thats my harsh advice.

PollyPutTheCoffeeOn · 03/05/2018 20:48

I had this... i got that he was busy but we just had a series of good dates. There was no connection because he didnt nurture it. But if he texts in the evening then it doesnt have to be a bad sign.

Original poster
Userwho · 03/05/2018 20:52

So what happened then Polly did you end it?
Ferris I'm with you to be honest.

OP posts:
Sierra259 · 03/05/2018 20:55

It takes a minute to send a text. Sorry OP, but I think if he was really interested he would find the time Sad I wouldn't bother contacting him again.

Original poster
Userwho · 03/05/2018 21:01

I knew these would be the responses but I didn't want to hear them!!
He doesn't seem to be a big phone person - purposely downgraded from a smart phone and isn't on social media. Does that change your response?!

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 03/05/2018 21:03

Does he make an effort to suggest and arrange dates?

Noqonterfy · 03/05/2018 21:04

Have you got another date planned?

Original poster
Userwho · 03/05/2018 21:07

We probably have suggested an equal number of dates. We don't have another date planned at the moment...he said he'd let me know when he had free time after this week (but hasn't let me know). Not looking good is it

OP posts:
NWQM · 03/05/2018 21:08

This may sound like a daft question but do you mean he doesn’t get in touch at all. If so there isn’t a relationship to grow. I personally think that you can’t get in touch too much if they actually want to hear from you so you shouldn’t worry how often you text unless you aren’t getting replies. Did he make an effort on the actual dates? He might well be a more face-to-face person but he needs to do at least 50% of the sorting of that. It does unfortunately sound as if he might just be too busy at the minute. Perhaps you need to see how it feels dating other people. If it’s meant to be it will be:

Chocolate123 · 03/05/2018 21:08

Does he ever text first? I used to make allowances for guys busy in work etc but I find they can use it as an excuse sometimes. When I'm busy in work I'm busy but I get a break and can send a quick text to say hi.

PookieDo · 03/05/2018 21:10

I am sceptical about the reasons why people do the whole phone downgrade thing, to me it kind of says ‘leave me alone’.
Social media isn’t a red flag plenty of people don’t like that. But the phone still texts and he isn’t using it. If he’s putting no real effort in calling or communicating then this tells you this is probably how it will always be

Flyingpompom · 03/05/2018 21:14

'purposely downgraded from a smart phone' or 'carries a cheap phone for dates so his wife doesn't find his messages'?

ferriswheel · 03/05/2018 21:14

Would he have time to contact lotto to say he had the winning ticket? Yes.

Is he making time for you? No.

Honestly go find the right one. Imagine how much better that will be?

Original poster
Userwho · 03/05/2018 21:17

Hmm the more I think about it the more I feel I've put in a lot of effort and he really hasn't invested much at all. I won't text him again and will see what happens.

OP posts:
NewYear2019 · 03/05/2018 21:18

It is so quick and easy to text. I would wait for him to contact you, if he's interested he will. If you're really keen and haven't heard from him by Sunday evening maybe I'd drop a text then to see if it reminded him...but I definitely wouldn't chase. Too busy to text is definitely too busy to have a relationship (or not interested...sorry...)

meowimacat · 03/05/2018 21:22

Yep sadly this is how it is. Guys use work as an excuse a lot. The guy I was seeing said he didn't have time for a girlfriend because he had a lot of work. Early on he was able to text a lot, then the messaging got less and less. Also a big red flag if they never call you :( I'm guessing he doesn't. As much as you like him, I wouldn't invest any more in him. Start accepting other dates, or at least keep yourself busy. Don't accept the breadcrumbs now. I'm sure he'll eventually send an apology text saying he was 'so busy', but unless he puts in a lot of effort to see you, just know this is who he is and you will always be treated as low priority. I've just walked away from this after 5 months, please don't waste your precious time and feelings.

offupop · 03/05/2018 21:23

Everyone saying it's so quick to text etc. Sometimes I leave my phone for an hour and I've got 5 texts, 10 WhatsApps and 100 emails to reply to. It's over whelming! I'm usually good at responding but recently I've thought fuck it, I'm not a slave to my phone. Not saying this is the same case but unless you've had this on an over whelming level- which is hugely stressful you can't really comment. Then you think if you reply you'll get another reply you have to then reply to. It's a mixture of friends, boyfriend, family, school stuff and work. Sometimes I want to lie in bed and stare at my phone without anyone knowing I'm online, but Facebook tells people so I come to mumsnet instead!!

Original poster
Userwho · 03/05/2018 21:25

I do know what you mean offupop and have had that same feeling before.
But I've just watched him come online on whatsapp, not text me and go offline again. So he does have time to text...he's just not texting me.

OP posts:
justwishiwasnormal · 03/05/2018 21:25

I think that some people really don't like texting and think it's ok to go days between texts with hardly any communication between dates. And that's fine if both of you feel the same but if you both want different and have different expectations it will never work as you will always be left feeling like you are receiving enough from him. I learnt this in the early stages of OLD and only ever dated people who had similar levels of texting expectations as I did. My OH also likes regular texting so it works perfectly for us.

Original poster
Userwho · 03/05/2018 21:26

I actually have just lined up a date with someone else for Wed!

OP posts:
DeniseBest · 03/05/2018 21:29

The cynic is me is feeling that flyingpompom has hit the nail on the head.
I doubt he has purposefully downgraded a phone. You can still have a smart phone and use it for basic functions only. Why go to the bother of downgrading?
It's his cheapy, second phone used for purposes only known to himself.

NWQM · 03/05/2018 21:41

Yeah - good for you re Wednesday. Fingers crossed. Enjoy.

AnaViaSalamanca · 03/05/2018 21:51

I just want to give you another perspective. I hate texting. Like PP, I find it a lot of obligation and even if you respond there would be another to respond to. The communication in text is shallow and slow.

Also why are you policing his coming and going on Whatsapp? Isn't it a bit early for that? So he might be reading a message, or calling someone, maybe his mother, who knows. Are you expecting to be given priority over his family and friends only after a few dates?

If this guy is good otherwise, I would say don't get too attached or controlling, but go with the flow and see what happens. It would be a shame to stop seeing someone good for this reason alone.

MistressDeeCee · 03/05/2018 21:55

It takes but a minute to send a text. He's not interested. What would you get out of dating a man who is super busy anyway? Too busy to text = too busy to see you, surely?

'Busy' is an excuse sometimes to hold you at arm's length and condition you into hanging on for messages and then accepting crumbs of time.

How does it remain interesting if you hardly hear each other's voice, you don't chat and laugh etc? Id be bored stiff

Glad you've got another date lined up,hope it goes well. Have fun🙂

TatianaLarina · 03/05/2018 21:59

I don’t like texting, and only text people for specific arrangements. But then I’d expect to talk to the person on the phone or email or something.

No communication at all means he’s not that interested.