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Original poster

Help - texting etiquette when dating someone very busy

139 replies

Userwho · 03/05/2018 20:41

I've been on a few dates with a man I met recently on OLD. It was a bit of a slow grower, I wasn't sure at first but now quite like him. Trouble is, he doesn't text me. If I text him he always replies but I don't want to feel like I'm pestering him or always the first to make contact.
This week he's been really busy at work - I knew it was coming, he'd talked about what he had on. I've barely heard from him since the weekend and I don't really know what to do - I want to hear from him but I don't want to be the first to contact yet again! Feels like I'm playing a silly one-sided game. Any advice?

OP posts:
PippaRose · 04/05/2018 20:57

Glad it’s all going well. When I met my DH we didn’t message much inbetween dates. We’d always book in the next date on the date we were on and it worked for us.

Good luck!

Sugarplumps · 04/05/2018 21:16

Wahoo!! So pleased you're having a good time!!

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 22:40

On my way home, did not sleep with him (obviously!) have arranged next date and now have to fight my urge to text him every bloody 30 mins Shock I think he isn't a phone person - I've seen his phone and I wouldn't use it much either if I had a phone like that!
Thanks all for the kick up the arse and injection of sanity Flowers Cake Brew

OP posts:
BackforGood · 04/05/2018 23:00

Glad you took on board the advice, and that you've had a nice evening.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 05/05/2018 12:20

I haven't breathed a word of the madness on this thread

This phrase really made me smile! I'm delighted you had a lovely, fun date. Here's to the next one!!

GameChanger01 · 05/05/2018 17:16

Well done... in dating I think we women second guess a lot with the guys we have just met and it can actually put them off- just enjoy it

bigchris · 05/05/2018 17:54

Aw brilliant update op

Original poster
Userwho · 06/05/2018 10:57

Ok so we're only 2 days on from the date and we have another one arranged but I've not heard a bean from him and I'm so unused to this! I don't want to be the one always getting in touch but I do want to hear from him!

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 06/05/2018 10:59

You are wasting your time. Sorry but you are. He's not interested in getting to know you, he just wants someone to fill his empty time.

justwishiwasnormal · 06/05/2018 13:58

Some people aren't bothered about texting between dates but you are. This is going to continuously drive you mad so you need to decide whether you can put up with this or you can't. For me I realised that I couldn't and when dating could never continue with someone who didn't communicate between dates.

PollyPutTheCoffeeOn · 06/05/2018 14:35

this so reminds me of a 'relationship' I had a few years ago. He was great fun on the dates and we were really vibing with each other. I even said to him, is this a thing? or is it just a series of really good dates? and he claimed it was the former.

I made the mistake of sleeping with him after about ten really good dates. I should have said ''look this isn't exactly what I want, you're GREAT fun when we're out but I don't feel connected to you when we're not together''. Which would have been the truth. And maybe he would have responded to that in a way that made us feel closer.

I slept with him and it was not good. Afterwards felt awkward. He arranged another ''date'' to go to the cinema and then ended it. I was a bit humiliated but at the same time I felt a lot of relief!? Like I'd just been waiting for it because despite the number of good dates, we just weren't getting any closer in any real sense. Also he'd been to my house but I hadn't been to his. So it was very easy for him to just say 'ok bye'. And like I say, I didn't care but our ten dates had all been on MY turf. I thought about that afterwards too. How great dates are just great dates and how it is nice to be invited on to somebody's turf! or in to their world. Also, I decided after that man, that if I don't feel 100% free to make a call at any moment (not that I'd do it all the time, far from it, I have my job and my life) but if I'm dating a man and I don't feel that I can ring him spontaneously and receive any other reaction than delight that I've rung him, then I won't sleep with him

That's just me.

JennyHolzersGhost · 06/05/2018 15:41

When’s the next date ? If it’s a while off then I’d maybe expect some chitchat but if it’s in the next few days then I’d just check in on the day to see that he’s still available and leave it at that.

Lizzie48 · 06/05/2018 16:02

If you really like him, then you should be direct with him and tell him that you want some communication between dates. If he's just come out of a long relationship, he'll be out of practice. You have nothing to lose after all, it would be better than just being frustrated about it.

Original poster
Userwho · 06/05/2018 16:53

Yes Lizzie think that is what I am going to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Userwho · 06/05/2018 20:18

I sent him a text saying, nicely and I think/hope sanely, that I wasn't used to not hearing from people between dates and I was finding it hard to tell how interested he was. He responded saying that he hadn't been contacting me because he hadn't wanted to appear too keen but now he knew I wanted to hear from him he would do.
I will give it another week to see if he follows through...

OP posts:
Nakedavenger74 · 06/05/2018 20:24

I'm totally of the opinion that if someone is interested then they would move heaven and earth to keep in touch.
As in if you are on a long haul flight then you are desperate to contact them and the first thing on your mind when you land. 'Busy' doesn't cut it for me and means they are 'just not that into you'.
I've never been wrong.

Thethingswedoforlove · 06/05/2018 21:23

But naked he didn’t say it was because he was busy. He said it was because he didn’t want to appear to keen. I wd be inclined to believe him....

KateGrey · 06/05/2018 21:36

I think texting is so hard. It’s hard to read between the lines with texts and how often to do it. Good luck and I hope it works out.

Original poster
Userwho · 06/05/2018 22:35

Naked he's never actually said he doesn't contact me because he's busy - that was my assumption because I know how busy he is. Today is the first time I've questioned him about it and his response was that he didn't want to appear too keen. I'm inclined to believe him but as I said will wait to see if he follows through with action. If he's not a big communicator I don't think I can be arsed as I like to talk a lot!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 06/05/2018 23:17

Well you'd be wrong, Naked with me, or with dh, or with my db or with my dsis or with my dSiL or dBil or LOADs of other people I know.
Lots of people like to chatter all day. Loads of people don't.
The questions 'do you text your partner during the day' and 'how often does your partner text / ring / facetime when they are away' on so forth are regularly asked on here. You get a wide range of answers. Many people need that constant reassurance, many others would just find it really annoying.

Lizzie48 · 06/05/2018 23:21

Well done for spelling it out to him, hopefully he'll now follow through and start to communicate more. It sounds like he is interested in you, so that is promising. Do keep us posted. Smile

RosieLee103 · 06/05/2018 23:24

Userwho I dated someone like this. I don’t think men multitask in the same way as women so when they are at work they don’t necessarily want to text as they find it distracting. We discussed it and in the end we agreed that I should just carry on texting him when I felt like it. On the other hand I wasn’t to be offended by him not replying or replying very briefly. This worked for us. He also preferred calling me than messaging if there was a while between dates, this was not my preference but it worked once he persuaded me to give it a go. Hopefully you will find something that works for you both.

Gemini69 · 06/05/2018 23:31

are you still going on the Wednesday date OP ?

Original poster
Userwho · 07/05/2018 00:11

I don't know if I should gemini as I'm not convinced he's my type and I'm not particularly up for dating multiple people! But the Wednesday date is before my next date with busy guy..

OP posts:
Wendyrichardz · 07/05/2018 00:21

How would you feel if busy guy is dating others?