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Original poster

Help - texting etiquette when dating someone very busy

139 replies

Userwho · 03/05/2018 20:41

I've been on a few dates with a man I met recently on OLD. It was a bit of a slow grower, I wasn't sure at first but now quite like him. Trouble is, he doesn't text me. If I text him he always replies but I don't want to feel like I'm pestering him or always the first to make contact.
This week he's been really busy at work - I knew it was coming, he'd talked about what he had on. I've barely heard from him since the weekend and I don't really know what to do - I want to hear from him but I don't want to be the first to contact yet again! Feels like I'm playing a silly one-sided game. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Userwho · 03/05/2018 22:07

Well that's the thing, I AM bored stiff! Bored of waiting to be contacted! I've deleted his number now so I cannot text him. If he texts I'll consider it then.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 03/05/2018 22:19

I've had the same thing. Chatting since end of Feb, only met twice but two great dates and sleep overs. This last week ive been super busy but still managed to text and leave messages. All seemed to be going well and hes almost dropped off the face of the earth. Took him three days to listen to my voice message. He's moved house and is busy but he's been online and liked something of social media. Something feels off so i messaged him to say I sense he is losing or lost interest and if that's the case then cool but to let me know. I'm tired of guessing, ball s in his court now.

My friend advised to do nothing but ive other options, but I do really like him. Maybe I've screwed it but if I have he isn't right for me and I'll move on and lessons learnt.

ferriswheel · 03/05/2018 22:22

Youve just said youre bored.

It aint going to be better than the beginning.

So, Wednesday... Who is he? What are you going to wear?

BackforGood · 03/05/2018 22:30

I disagree with most here.
He told you in advance he has a really busy week. It's hardly a long time, 'since the weekend' - I presumed you were talking about 3 weeks or something.
I use texts to ask a specific question about something or to make an arrangement, not to "chat". If I've a really busy week, then I don't necessarily have time to chat to someone either.
You say you are bored, but other people have lots going on in their lives. You say it is a new relationship - he might have lots going on that he obviously doen't want to give up for someone he's seen s few times - maybe he is happy to take things nice and gently to begin with and see how it goes? Doesn't mean he's not interested, just that he's not so desperate for company as you seem to be.
If that doesn't suit you, move on, but it doesn't mean he doesn't want to see you again.

JellyBean31 · 03/05/2018 22:41

How's he on WhatsApp if he doesn't have a smart phone?

SoapOnARoap · 03/05/2018 22:42

I think we’re all different. If your needy on the text front, he’s obviously not the man for you. Others find texting inane between dates.

yetmorecrap · 03/05/2018 22:43

I would leave it, if he's keen he will be in touch. From experience when I was single , if ever a guy was keen, they always found time, me on the other hand, I hate texting unless it's about something specific and people who text about nothing annoy me.

Original poster
Userwho · 03/05/2018 22:43

I do understand what you're saying backforgood but at my age everyone is texting constantly. I'm on my own once I've put my dc to bed at half 7 so naturally get bored and I'm only after one text or call. Doesn't need to be endless!

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 03/05/2018 22:52

Can you say 100% op that's he's unattached , because downgraded phon s and a lot of unavailability often points to one thing, not saying that's the case here.

user1486956786 · 03/05/2018 23:12

Until you are in a very very busy high stress demanding job you won't get it. I'm now in one, in busy periods I genuinely ignore my friends for days. Not even deliberately, I don't even have the time to read the message let alone reply and engage then I forget about it. I get frustrated when my boyfriend rings me because I literally don't have enough hours in the day to do my job let alone chit chat. Trust me!

user1486956786 · 03/05/2018 23:13

I think you are being unfair and putting too much pressure on something that's very much in early stages or perhaps you two just aren't compatible if you want someone more available - nothing wrong with that. Downgrading phone does scream married though after mumsnet experience!

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 03/05/2018 23:30

@user1486956786 I'm in a high pressured very well paid job and always find time for the people dearest . You make time for the people who matter at the end of the day. Work will still be there waiting for you after the phone call / sent the text . Smile

Op , I personally don't think he's that into you, probably really liked you just not enough if that makes sense. If you're planning to see someone the weekend then it's common courtesy to already schedule the time and day mid week . This hasn't happened , i think you were right to delete the number and accept another date. Hope it goes well for you ! Xx

ListenAgain · 03/05/2018 23:53

Agree, its most likely he's not too fussed about purusing you, but can't quite make up his mind. So, really, a non-starter for you. The fact you posted means you have a gut instinct about it.

Try and be glad its only a few dates in.

Original poster
Userwho · 03/05/2018 23:59

I actually have no real idea that he's unattached. Didn't think that about the downgraded phone. True it's only been a few dates and I don't think I'd over invested so that's good at least!

OP posts:
sundayblanket · 04/05/2018 00:13

A different perspective here: some people are not great at texting, or forget how to maintain texting when busy at work. My husband was like this when we first got together. I persevered and here we are!

Also, I have friends who have downgraded their phone for a range of reasons: to go off the grid a bit, to make a point, it's cheaper, etc. I don't think there's anything that suspicious in this.

I think don't be too quick to write the man off (remember typical MN bias is always to lean towards LTB).

user1486956786 · 04/05/2018 01:54

Fuck it pass me the wine - you are lucky, I'm too shattered by the time I get home and sick of my phone I just don't. I'm also not a fan of texting, I like catching up in person.

You're right though, always make time for nearest and dearest. I'd say after going on a few dates, they aren't at nearest and dearest stage yet. Plus after a few dates I don't get what you would message about other than organising next catch up. Sounds as though he's my perfect match hahaha

LellyMcKelly · 04/05/2018 06:09

If he wanted to contact you he’d contact you. It’s really not that difficult to fire off a quick text or have a chat on the phone.

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 09:47

I've not written him off entirely - if he got in touch about a date this weekend I'd respond. If he doesn't text again well obviously I'll know where I stand! I'm not contacting him though.
Wednesday date - unfortunately I'm not very excited about it, just feel that he's not my type. I will go though!

OP posts:
bitzy12 · 04/05/2018 09:52

Aww I hate hear situations but I'd say you deserve better. You are clearly willing to put the time and effort into starting a relationship so make sure you do it with the right person. If he can't give anything back (and also be the first to get in touch) then he doesn't deserve someone like you. Try enjoy your date on weds, know you've said he isn't your type but will at least keep your dating game strong 💪🏻

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/05/2018 09:58

Can I have him? I'd love the strong, silent type!

I think the main thing here isn't him, it's your full evenings. Ideally you'd fill your life with things you're passionate about -- men being just one interest out of many.

If you're free from 7.30pm, there are a million fun things you could do from home. You could do an online course in something that interests you. You could do YouTube exercise classes. You could write a book. You could play games. You could Marie Kondo your house, take a second job at home, plant stuff in the garden (if you have one), call your friends, have people over for dinner, host a book club, do beauty treatments, read books in the bath, paint pictures, write a film script...

Find fun hobbies and interests that make your eyes light up when you talk about them. All you're doing is dating - there is so much more to life than that!

Learn to play poker and win a fortune online.

You're young with free time every evening - you could be using that time to transform your future.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/05/2018 09:59

*dull evenings, I meant to say. Hopefully you can transform them into full evenings, when you'd be too busy and engaged to even notice messages.

Insanityinthesuburbs · 04/05/2018 10:03

Honestly? Doesn't matter how busy he is, he will find time if you matter. Be kind, drop him and find someone who makes time for you no matter what.

MargoLovebutter · 04/05/2018 10:05

I'd also say don't text him. In the early days of a relationship, he should be keen, really keen. If he can't be arsed to text or call, I'd be wondering how keen he really is.

Glad you have another iron in your fire OP - that's the way to go!

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 10:21

Love the poker idea Whats
I actually do nearly all the things you mentioned - I have a thriving veg patch, brilliant friends who visit regularly, I host a women's night every week, I read and read and read, I do YouTube exercise, I take the longest baths imaginable.......but you know what, there are certain needs that can only be fulfilled by another person!

OP posts:
Olikingcharles · 04/05/2018 11:19

I'm with everyone saying the busy thing is an excuse. I have a demanding job and still manage to text anyone in my life whom i consider important. As others have said it only takes a few seconds to send a text, a quick hello how are you etc. takes nothing. Think you've done the right thing deleting his number if the man was interested he'd be putting in the effort to at least send a quick text no matter how busy he is.

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