Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - texting etiquette when dating someone very busy

139 replies

Userwho · 03/05/2018 20:41

I've been on a few dates with a man I met recently on OLD. It was a bit of a slow grower, I wasn't sure at first but now quite like him. Trouble is, he doesn't text me. If I text him he always replies but I don't want to feel like I'm pestering him or always the first to make contact.
This week he's been really busy at work - I knew it was coming, he'd talked about what he had on. I've barely heard from him since the weekend and I don't really know what to do - I want to hear from him but I don't want to be the first to contact yet again! Feels like I'm playing a silly one-sided game. Any advice?

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 04/05/2018 15:53

OP. Please don't sleep with him tonight. If you do i fear you may regret it.

PookieDo · 04/05/2018 15:53

For the record I’m not telling OP to dump him I’m telling her to be careful. And yes not sleep with him!

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 04/05/2018 16:02

He doesn't sound very into you. Sorry if that's harsh. He may be busy but no one is that busy that they can't get in touch at least a few times a day.
Having said that, I once met someone who never used to text or phone and gave off the general vibe he wasn't interested.
I couldn't get to know him enough and my enthusiasm for dating him died.
A few months later I got a text saying he saw me in his future and wanted me. By then I had met my now partner.
If he's not getting in touch with you and getting to know you between dates, then it will go nowhere as he's putting a stop to a relationship flourishing.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/05/2018 16:20

I have dc and need notice for childcare. If you want to see me you need to book me in several days in advance

You can't tell him this, you have to show him. When he asked you out for a last-minute date today, that was the ideal opportunity to show him that he needs to book you in advance. He's not really going to believe that your life is hectic tonight, is he? He only had to send a quick text earlier and he's successfully secured you, with about 5 hours' notice.

This is all way WAY too much for 2.5 weeks in.

BackforGood · 04/05/2018 16:33

I'm going to go and I'm going to tell him I want more than he's currently offering and if he can't give more then I'm going to let the connection go.

^ just 2 and 1/2 weeks after meeting ?? Hmm
Wow.
I'd run a mile from you if I were him.
The way I read it is he's not as desperate as you. He's clearly enjoyed spending time with you (hence the 6 dates already) but as it happens this week he had other stuff on. You would be completely bonkers to start laying down demands when you've known someone

BuffyBee · 04/05/2018 16:34

Userwho glad I made you laugh with 😱😱😱😱😱!
Seriously, it's early days and some guys are not that into all this constant contact 10 times a day, or you don't love me, appreciate me!
He has told you that he was going to be busy for a week and then found he had a free night and who did he think about? You!
If you like him! See how it goes!

Or, tell him tonight that you need to be his priority! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 04/05/2018 16:44

I think maybe saying you’d only known him for 2.5 weeks would have been a useful piece of information to include in your OP.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 04/05/2018 16:53

I think even after 2.5 weeks its not really going to progress if one is not contacting the other and is one sided.
How much they get in touch is the best indicator of how much they actually like you. I would maybe give him a bit more time OP, but not too much time, before deciding to move on.

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 17:08

Backforgood I hope I'm managing to hide how bonkers I am from him! You're all right it's too much too soon in my head. He has been keenly texting this afternoon and is enthusiastic about our date. I will see him tonight and calmly and sanely explain to him that I've been lucky so far that my childcare arrangements have matched up with his free time but normally a little notice would be preferable. That sound ok?

OP posts:
StoneStripes · 04/05/2018 17:10

3 dates in 4 days

just a bit Shock

i think you also should have put more in your OP.

anyway now its down to nearly zero, last-minute.

after 2.5 weeks you want to know if you're exclusive Shock.

none of it makes sense to me.

anyway, he's asked you out tonight at the last minute. bad sign in my book.

StoneStripes · 04/05/2018 17:11

cross posted. yeah user that sounds better!

LiteraryDevil · 04/05/2018 17:12

Too much, too soon and red flags. Run. You're desperate and he's already showing signs of being a waste of space after only 2 weeks.

LiteraryDevil · 04/05/2018 17:29

He's basically just said jump and you've said how high. Where is your self esteem or are you just looking for a shag tonight followed by days of no contact from him?

Lizzie48 · 04/05/2018 17:40

How times have changed since I was exchanging emails with my now DH whilst we were getting to know each other! (We've been married for 15 years so it was a long time ago.) I remember waiting several days for a reply to an email. Not many people had broadband back then, only dial up, so no one expected instant replies!

I remember waiting a week for a reply and then contacting him. It turned out he had sent an email which I hadn't received. Grin

This all seems very claustrophobic to me. My DH doesn't text me all that often now, only when he needs to tell me something. I know he's busy at work, a lot of people are.

In your case, it depends what you're looking for. If you want lots of communication, he's clearly not the one for you.

Chocolate123 · 04/05/2018 17:46

It's very easy for someone in a relationship to criticise OP but times have changed and now there usually is a lot more communication. Nowadays relationships which start online then become texting then phone call then meet. The frequency usually depends on both parties involved be it daily or every few days etc. Years ago this wasn't the case. I bet if the people in relationships now ever need to date again they will understand.

Lizzie48 · 04/05/2018 18:05

Is this man new to the dating game now? He might genuinely realise how much communication is expected now, say if he's coming out of a very long-term relationship. He told the OP he was going to be busy, he might genuinely have thought that was enough.

Of course that might not be the case. He might just be a tool hiding behind the excuse of being busy. Clearly we don't know.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 04/05/2018 18:07

@chocolate123 exactly! Your post is spot on .

Sugarplumps · 04/05/2018 18:08

Some people aren't huge texters, and some people pop onto whatsapp to quickly check on a family member or a work colleague without having time to reply to their other messages. This guy sounds like he digs you, so relax about the communication, put him out of your mind when you know he's busy, make your childcare stuff clear to him. Base your judgement of him on how well he respects the real life needs that you've verbalised, rather than your inner dialogue and desire for communication that he has no idea about. He sounds nice!

SevenStones · 04/05/2018 18:21

So you've had 6 dates in two weeks and you're moaning about him not being in touch?!?!

Sorry, but I'd find you way too much for me.

He said he was really busy this week - can you not just take him at his word? He's now got in touch and asked if you're free. Now you say he's taking the piss! Why? He's busy, he's found a free evening, he's asked if you want to share it, and I think if you said no, you've got something else planned, he'd be absolutely fine about it because it's short notice, and then he'd think you might meet up again when he's got more free time.

I downgraded from a smart phone to an ancient old phone because I hated how much I was beholden to the damn thing. I upgraded again after a few months. LOL.

If I were him and read this thread, I'd run a mile. Yes, you do sound too intense!

SevenStones · 04/05/2018 18:24

He may be busy but no one is that busy that they can't get in touch at least a few times a day.

I would hate it if someone was pestering me like that.

JennyHolzersGhost · 04/05/2018 18:42

If you aren’t able to step back from the situation and just enjoy his company for what it is, this early on in knowing someone, then I would stop dating and spend some time working on my urge towards codependency I’m afraid. It all sounds suffocatingly needy.
He knew he was going to have a busy week, he warned you of that, he has now come to the end of the busy week and the first thing he wants to do is see you. And instead of having a lovely relaxing evening with him just enjoying each other’s company, you’re going to drop a State Of The Union conversation on him ? After two and a half weeks?

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 18:47

Ok ok ok I get it!! I promise not to have a serious conversation about how lacking he is. I promise to relax and enjoy his company. Yes I'm a little needy. He doesn't need to know that.

Both of us have come out of 7+ year relationships - mine a disastrous marriage. Neither of us have ever done OLD before.

I'm about to meet him, wish me luck!

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 04/05/2018 18:48

Enjoy your date OP! Xx

Lizzie48 · 04/05/2018 19:28

I hope you have a lovely time this evening, you really deserve this after what you've been through. This is supposed to be fun! Just enjoy it for what it is. It sounds as if he really likes you. Smile

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 20:30

Quick loo update - this is the most fun date yet, I haven't breathed a word of the madness on this thread and he hasn't mentioned being out of touch but he's already booked in our next date Smile

OP posts: