Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - texting etiquette when dating someone very busy

139 replies

Userwho · 03/05/2018 20:41

I've been on a few dates with a man I met recently on OLD. It was a bit of a slow grower, I wasn't sure at first but now quite like him. Trouble is, he doesn't text me. If I text him he always replies but I don't want to feel like I'm pestering him or always the first to make contact.
This week he's been really busy at work - I knew it was coming, he'd talked about what he had on. I've barely heard from him since the weekend and I don't really know what to do - I want to hear from him but I don't want to be the first to contact yet again! Feels like I'm playing a silly one-sided game. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 11:21

He's just text me asking if I want to meet him later. Not sure what to do now. I would really like to continue seeing him but I'm not willing to not be a priority to him!

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 04/05/2018 11:24

Meet him, if you don't have other plans of course, and tell him that Userwho. You've got nothing to lose really. Either he's keen and wants to see you and make plans more than 7 hours in advance or he 's not & that is not what you are looking for in a relationship.

PookieDo · 04/05/2018 11:27

I get what everyone else is saying about busy and texting but I get where the OP is coming from in some respects and the fact he’s now trying to make last moment plans wouldn’t sit well with me

  1. How are you supposed to get to know someone if you don’t communicate very often? Building a relationship even before mobile phones exsisted was usually via letter writing or talking on the phone when you are apart.
  1. If you are too busy to text or call someone you are trying to date you probably aren’t supposed to be trying to date anyone if you don’t have the time to spare them. You can’t ‘have it all’. For those of us who have busy lives with our partners, it’s the fact you managed to build your relationship to be strong to withhold under the pressures of modern busy life, not the other way around
  1. He is... expecting you to be free at a moments notice? This concerns me that he would just expect you to fit him in when he is ready, with no warning or build up. If you go, don’t sleep with him, because you will just be a booty call
Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 12:11

Agreed pookiedo plus I often have to pay for a babysitter! Luckily not tonight, I wouldn't go if that was the case. I think he's being a bit cheeky really.
I'm going to go and I'm going to tell him I want more than he's currently offering and if he can't give more then I'm going to let the connection go. I've been working on my assertiveness lately so this is the ideal time to practise!

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 04/05/2018 12:14

Good plan Userwho. Let us know how it goes.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 04/05/2018 12:22

@Userwho yes it's all about managing each other's expectations, a text a few days before to ask if you're you're free on X date is standard . Hope it goes well OP xx

Sierra259 · 04/05/2018 12:53

I think he's being cheeky too. He ignores you all week and then just expects you to drop everything to meet him today? I hope your chat with him goes well, but I would definitely keep your options open with other dates. It shouldn't be such hard work so early on!

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 12:57

Well he knew I was free and had childcare as we'd discussed, however I was waiting to hear when he was free and he hasn't let me know until today.
It is bloody cheeky isn't it! He doesn't have dc and is clearly blissfully unaware of the childcare/free time struggle!

OP posts:
Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 13:02

I think I'm going to tell him:

  • I have dc and need notice for childcare. If you want to see me you need to book me in several days in advance
  • I'd like to hear from you in between dates
  • If you're seeing other people tell me now
  • If the above isn't possible....jog on
OP posts:
bitzy12 · 04/05/2018 13:02

@Userwho mmm it's a shame you like him so much op :-(

I'd say go on one more date but only because I think you would always wonder 'what if' if you don't. But make him aware that you need more.

Saying that....if I were looking at this as a long term thing....I don't know. He may struggle to adjust to your life as he clearly knows nothing about dc's and the struggle that goes with it.

Balls in your court op....but I do think you can do and deserve better if I'm honest x

Ariela · 04/05/2018 13:06

...but he's also been busy with work all week and now it's a Bank Holiday Weekend with presumably No Work

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 13:08

Takes 2 bloody mins to send a text saying shall we meet friday?! 10 secs in fact

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/05/2018 13:08

How long have you been seeing him? If it's very early stages you can't
expect him to make you his priority, but there's no shame in asking him
what's going on with you guys and does he see this going anywhere?

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 13:11

We had 3 dates in 4 days then 2 dates the following week then 1 date last weekend and then this week was the busy week. So it's only been about 2.5 weeks but we've had 6 dates!!
Maybe he also thinks I'm more easily available than I am, looking at the frequency of our dates so far.

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 04/05/2018 13:21

Personally, I'd tell him you have other plans tonight. And that you thought he was too busy to see you. Then go out (or stay in and watch Netflix). I'd take a dim view of someone not able to send a 1 minute text earlier in the week, asking me whether I was free on Friday Hmm

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 13:31

I don't know now, I've just read the advice on intense relationship thread, and that could be written about me!! Maybe I'm being too intense! (I don't ask what are you thinking though..!)

OP posts:
Thethingswedoforlove · 04/05/2018 13:46

It isn’t that he couldn’t have texted it was that he hadn’t found/ made time to think about when he wanted to meet up/ what his plans might be. Headspace for that is harder to find than 10 secs for a text.....

bitzy12 · 04/05/2018 13:46

@Userwho I think it's just not supposed to be this hard. Surely if a new relationship has caused you to come on here for advice, it's just not worth it? When I look back at me and dh in the early days....aww it was just the best. It really was. There was no wondering on what the other was thinking/doing. We were constantly in touch with the soppy messages. He used to declare his love for me all over fb. I used to find it abit cringe at the time.....now I wish he would still do it lol. Only had eyes for eachother. Now....well he's alright I suppose ....Grin

But then again, you had lots of dates straight away so there must of been some sort of spark between you. I can see why this is a bit of a headf**k for you tbh.

Personally I don't think I could put up with spending some much time with someone then not hearing from them for days on end. At least a few messages every now and then would be appropriate x

justanotheruser18 · 04/05/2018 14:01

In my distant past experience of dating text com, if the person never text first or took a long time to reply, they just weren't interested.

justanotheruser18 · 04/05/2018 14:05

Just read the rest of the thread. It's nice that he's text to arrange a meet. If you're happy to play it casual and on his.. unpredictable terms, then go for. Try and get a read on him later. See if you can sense his interest v lack of interest. He said he'd contact you after his busy week and he did.. now it's FriYAY.

BuffyBee · 04/05/2018 14:09

You want to be his priority after 2 1/2weeks and you're going to tell him this 😱😱😱😱😱

Original poster
Userwho · 04/05/2018 14:10

Haha buffybee tell me am I too much?!

OP posts:
yakari · 04/05/2018 15:04

2.5 weeks Shock
My god I'm so glad I'm not dating these days - I can't abide random texts, I have something to say I'll be in touch but wtf to all these good morning/sleep well messages. He said he would be busy and he probably is, maybe he was just trying to be nice to let you know he wouldn't be in touch but don't worry.
DH often works abroad we can go days without speaking or texting, it's really no big deal. I tease him that we met on the Saturday and he waited til the following Friday to get in touch.
Do you like the guy? Do you like him enough to have dinner with him again sometime soon? If so then Stop, take a step back, carry on with your life like he is getting on with his.
(FYI late at night here, a couple of 🍷 down hence my astonishment but honestly relax...)

PookieDo · 04/05/2018 15:17

It isn’t helpful for married people who work apart to compare themselves to someone who is trying to date and feeling unsure

yakari · 04/05/2018 15:23

😐 Whatever...
2.5 weeks is really short, even if it was intense. He prewarned you that he would be busy, he is. Relax. Just because the technology allows you to be in touch all the time, doesn't mean humans are all conditioned to do it